Drew Thomas Learns the Importance of Fractions when Buying Weed

White people, you got good weed. I commend you because you use discretion. You get your weed from somebody called the guy. I don't know who is this guy is... You can ask any white dude anywhere. "Where did you get your weed from?"

"I get it from this guy. I see him on Tuesdays. Do you want me to pick you up something."

That's all you get.

I ask a brother, "Hey dawg, where you get your weed from?"

"From my cousin, he's at the holiday inn, right down the street. Won't you call him from your cell phone, so you can lock the number in."

Then they wonder why they get caught. It's 2 o clock in the morning, and your car is orange. That's why you got caught. You need a guy.

I had to go back to learn fractions just to buy weed from white people. I didn't know nothing about 8ths or quarters or nothing like that. Nobody told me that the bottom number was bigger that you get less. I had to rush down to home depot to get one of them rulers with the lines on them. The guy was like, "What you use them for?"

"I'm buying an eighth from a white guy. What's the eighth? Is that the line next to the quarter? Because I don't want to get ripped off. I want the right length."

I'm on the phone, telling my friends, "Don't worry about it. I got 2164th coming. We just put one in the freezer. This should last us till christmas."

Bill Murray Ghost Buster Rants on Technology and R2D2 should Get Gas for Human Race

Who think of all these high tech stuff anyways? You know. First they start with a digital watches, which tells you the time and numbers, to the exact seconds. 2:30 and 32 seconds. Who needs to know that? I don't. How come they don't have hands on the watches like they used to. People have hands. I think watches should have hands. Somebody is thinking this stuff up. I don't think it's good.

Another thing they got is robots. Robots are making all these automobiles -- and working at factory and stuff. Don't get me wrong. R2-D2 is a great little guy. He was funny. He was cute. He was a funny and fine actor, but that's science fiction. That's for the movie. I don't like to be driving in a car that is put together by a robot. I wouldn't feel... I don't think it's smart. I don't think it's funny. Who is thinking up these stuff? Who is thinking up of all these high tech stuff.

I saw an ad the other day for a car with a talking dashboard. If something goes wrong, the dashboard talks to you what's wrong. That would drive me nuts. You driving around, running out of gas. And the dash goes, "Oh bill, you are out of gas." I would put my foot right through that dash board. That dashboard would shut up. It's dumb. Who the hell is thinking up this stuff.

You know what they should do... They should get a robot so we can drive around with in the car. Then you run out of gas. Then you pull this little sucker out of the car, and you send him to go get gas. Now that's smart. And I think of these stuff on top of my head. But you know something, they will never do it because it makes too much sense.

Steve Harvey Yells Yolanda Adams is Sexy because of Victoria Secret's Xmas Sale

I have been hosting the gospel festival for four years now. I have been around. Sometimes you guys are trips on me. Sometimes you guys will go left on me. You know. I'm just being a man. And sometimes you guys get that attitude. And then throw me off a little bit. I tell you what I am talking about. I was hosting gospel celebration last year. Yolanda Adams was on this show.

Now we go to a commercial break. And when I came out of commercial, we are going to go to Yolanda Adams. So they set her in her spot on stage. They move me up stairs to do an introduction, up stairs. During the commercial break, Yolanda was standing there. She is an elegant woman. She had on a nice gown and everything. And it was the light, behind her. And it was just shining. You know. Just right. And I saw that.

I have forgotten I was at the gospel celebration. And I had the mic in my hand. All I said was, "whooo aweeee. Wow. Yolanda sure is sexy." See right there. Just like some of you just did. "ooooo." See right there. All I said, "Yolanda Adams was sexy." Look, I'm a grown man. I ain't on the down low or none of that. I'm a grown man. I saw her, and to me... she looks sexy. And that is all I said. She looks sexy.

You all trippin with me like Christian ain't sexy. Let me ask you all something. If Christian ain't sexy, where all those little christian come from? Somebody is doing something sexy back at the house. You can't tell me Christian ain't sexy.

It's megafest tonight. It's friday night. There is a christian women somewhere in the mall at a Victoria Secret right now, looking at the panty on the table. It's 3 for $20 dollars. I'm in there all the time. 3 for 20 dollars at Victoria Secret.

Bill Burr describes the most difficult Job for a mother is Actually an Easy Job

We were watching the other day. Oprah was on there. She was interviewing some tramp. You know. She is giving this big ridiculous intro like, "She done this. She done that. She done this. And she does the most difficult job on the planet -- she is a mother." Then she continues on.

Immediately I just look at my girlfriend. Like really? Being a mother is the most difficult job on the planet? Oh yeah, all those mothers died every year from black lungs, inhaling all that coal dust.

Women are constantly patting themselves on the back about how difficult their lives are. And nobody corrects them because they want to make love. Yeah, that is what it is. So there is this tornado misinformation, "I have the most difficult job on the planet."

What would you rather be doing -- Drilling the center of the earth, shaking hands with the devil? Every time there is a rumble ground, you wait for the whole thing to collapse down on top of you, so they can write that folks song about you. Or would you rather be up in the sunshine, running around with a couple of toddlers that you can send to bed anytime you want. I couldn't believe it.

"It's the most difficult job on the planet." Oh yeah, I thought roofing in the middle of July. I thought that was difficult. But these mothers are bending over to the waist, putting dvds in the dvd players. I don't know how they do it. I don't know how they do it. Dude, any job that you can do in your pajamas is not a difficult job.

Give me a break. You are 35 years old playing hide and go seek. You are living a dream. You are living a dream. No time card. No taxes. You are off the grid. Making popsticle stick houses. "It's the most difficult job on the planet. Oprah is not even a mother. How the hell she know?!

Jimmy O Yang questions if it's ok for Asian to say the N word in a rap song like Jay-z

I was sitting here, on the passenger side. And let's pretend this is my black friend driving a car. He's like a skinny tall guy. So this song came on the radio, right. So I start rapping, and said, "Oh man, this song is awesome. Yeah, let's turn it up bro. Uh. Uh. Uh. F the police, coming straight from the underground. A young N... Shoot. Hey, uhm, look Latrell, is it cool for me to say the N word if it's just in a song, man?"

Then he said, "What the hell you think?! Is it cool for me to call you a chick cho rice eating mofo?"

I'm like, "Yeah, if you can find that in a song..."

Muppets Fozzie Bear and Kermit do Stand up Comedy Collaboration Skit

Ok, time once again for that fuzzy, furry, funny man -- the fabulous, freewheeling, fast and franic, Fozzi Bear.

Hey, hey, hey. Wait, wait, wait. Not so fast. Tonight I'm going to use your assistance. Yes sir. You and I are going to tell the world funniest joke. This is all spontaneous, unrehearsed. Right froggie?

Yes. It's unrehearsed.

Ok. Now. Frog of my heart, you would just wait until I say the word here. When you hear the word here, you will race up to me and say, "Good, Grief. The comedians a bear."

Good grief! The comedian is a bear.

Ok. Here we go. Ready. Here we go. Now then, hiya hiya hiya. You are a wonderful looking audience. It's nice to be here.

Good grief the comedian is a bear.

Not now. That was the wrong here.

Which is the right here?

The other here.

Hey hey folks, this is the story that you would love to hear.

Good grief the comedian is a bear.

Would you stop that.

I thought you said here.

Well, not that here.

Then which here.

Another here. Alright Alriht, you will know when I point.

Say, a funny thing happened to me on the way to the thearher. At the stage door, I past a bunch of muppets fan. Suddenly I hear, "Good grief, the comedian is a bear." No, he is not. He is wearing a neck-tie.

Part of Dave Chappelle Sympathizes Kramer like Siegfried and Roy Tiger Mishap Bite to Throat

They have a real life paparazzi. I see you. What do you think it is, a game? I'm watching out for the media. I'm like big foot. When people see me, they freak out. Even other celebrities get surprised, "Dave oh shoot."

Every time I see this back drop, I think about Kramer messing up. That's why I don't want to see no camera phones on my butt tonight. I'm telling you right now. I'm not wrap too tight. They put a lot of that corporate pressure on me. So this night might be the night. Tonight might be the night that I snap. You guys be lucky.

It's like having tickets to see Siegfried and Roy that night that tiger bit his throat. You will be like, "I was there when Chappelle freak out. I was there." That's why we go to see the tiger show, right. You don't go see somebody be safe with tigers. You be thinking in the back of your mind, "This person might get bit. I would like to see that in person for $35. Never seen somebody get bit by tiger before. It's only 35 dollars." That's freakin hilarious.

I will tell you the truth. When I've seen Kramer's tape, I learned about myself. You know what I learned? I think I'm only 20 percent black, and 80 percent comedian. You know what I mean. You know when you see that it makes you furious, right? The black dude in me was like, "Kramer, you jack ass..." I was hurt. And the comedian in me was just like, " Whew. Kramer is having a bad set. Hang in there Kramer. Don't let him break you Kramer." I wish I was there so bad.

Dance Dance Revolution Arcade Game with Iglesias Techno Music

I said, "Frankie, whatever you want to do, let's do it."

"Ok, can we go to arcade?"

"Arcade? Dude, you have a nintendo wii at your house."

Then I had a flashback to 20 years ago. "Que, Que, nintendo en la casa. You have a nintendo at home."

I'm like omg I'm turning into my mom. "Come dude. Let's go."

I take him to this big arcade right. I felt so out of it because I didn't know you couldn't put money in the machines anymore. I remember quarters. I'm like, "Here, here's $5 bucks." He's looking at me. "What? Go play." He came right back, "All done."

I didn't know this. You had to go to another machine. Put in money, and then they give you a card. Then you use that card to swipe to play video games. The game he wants to play does not cost a quarter. It cost $3 dollars a game. It's a big old machine called "dance dance revolution." Some of you know this game, yeah. For people who don't know the game, it's pretty simple. It's a dancing game with a big screen. Then arrows come out to music. And whatever arrows come out, that's the arrow you have to step on when it comes out. Kind of cool, but all the music is techno. And it's loud. I know I am going older cause I'm like, "They need to turn that down."

Dance Dance Revolution, Revolution! Get ready! And the kid is like, "I'm ready." Select music. Pop Techno and that's what they dance to. Ready go. Perfect. And the kids like, "Whow." I'm like, "Whew. I love this game, but they need to have something fluffy friendly, so fluffy people and parents can enjoy." We are watching this game for over an hour.

I told Frankie, "Let's play another game and wait till the line goes down."

"The line never goes down."

Great, I'm watching kid after kid after kid. "Serious. How much is it?"

"It's $3 dollars a dance."

"$3 dollars a dance?!" Then I thought about it. I paid 20 two nights ago. I guess three dollars ain't that bad. Now that I think about it.

Kanye West and Kim Kardashian Stirs Issue On New Song in Ronny Chieng Bit on MTV

Hey Everybody, Thanks for coming down. Apples are red with thin edible skin and white flesh. Ok. As in oranges are rounder with orange color skin and orange color flesh. And the skin of an orange, hey, are generally discarded before eating. You know what just happen there? You know what I just did? I just compared apples to oranges. It can be done. I don't know what's the fuss is about. I just did it. It helps if you speak english.

Hey fellas, hey guys, have you ever gotten into trouble with your girl over something Kanye West said in a song once? Have that ever happened to you? Well, it happened to me. This girl I was dating at a time, at my house, on my sofa, watching MTV. Ok. Kanye West comes on with his new Music Video for his new song, Bound 2. Bound 2, ok. If you don't know the music video, the song, the music video has Kim Kardashian in it. She is on a motorcycle, right. It is very tacky on purpose because he is a geniuos, alright.

So I am watching this video, and Kanye West comes on. And one of his lyrics on the song happens to be, "Have you ever asked your Batch for other Batches?" K. So he is singing this song, "Have you ever ask your Batch for other Batches?" Immediately the girl, i'm dating, turns to me -- angry and disgusted. Alright. "Oh my gawd. Can you believe he said that? That is disgusting. Is that you want? Do you want batches with more batches? Is that what you want to do?"

"Whow Whow whow. How is this on me? I didn't say that. I didn't pick the channel. You pick the channel. This video randomly came on. How is this on me?"

And she keeps on going, right. "That's what all men want. They just want more batches of more batches. It's disgusting. Men are pigs." She won't stop.

So I said screw it. You want to have this conversation. Let's have this conversation. Ok. Because I went to an elite law school. I don't lose verbal arguemnets. K. I debate this until I win or one of us dies. You want to do this? Let's do this. Let's break it down. Let's break down what Kanye West is saying. First of all Kanye West is saying, "Have you ever have Batch for other Batches." He is not even asking for Batches for other Batches. He is just asking the question. "Have you ever ask your Batches for other Batches?" It's a hypothetical. You don't know what kind of relationship they have. Maybe they like open relationships. Maybe they like threesomes. You don't know. You just applying your own moral values on to this couple. Who is the Batch now?

And that my friend is how you win the battle, but lose the war.

Tammy Pescatelli joins Playboy Mansion Party with Donald Trump and Paris Hilton

I did a charity show for the playboy foundation. I don't know what their charity is... 13 year old boys go blind for reading too much magazines. I don't know.

I don't know. I go to this party. I don't fit in. I'm not very girly. These girls are like size double zero. I mean they are beautiful, but they are mean because they are hungry. You know. What the?!

I'm just a girl from the neighborhood. You know who was there? That Paris Hilton Girl -- Oh, I am proud of her. She is breaking down barrier, really. Proof you don't have to be poor to be white trash. You know what I mean. Somebody needs to say that.

You don't have to be perfect. What's going on women. We don't have to be perfect. You can't be. This girl came up to me and goes, "Uhm... Excuse me. Who did your boobs?"

I go, "God."

She goes, "Where his office?"

I go, "Juerluseum. Now get away from me. Don't you think if I have that kind of money, I would have my nose fix first. What's wrong with you?"

Who cares. I'm a female comedian. How good looking do I have to be? Who said the president, Rosanne. I win. You know. Who cares? I said it. I don't care. What are you going to do? My people are a phone call away.

It's just fun for me. I don't know what I was doing at that stupid party. I drank a little bit too much. When women get drunk, they have to announce it, "I'm drunk. Oooh." Hi five. Hi five.

You know who was there at the stupid party? Donald Trump. His hair is so bad that it would be less distracting if he hired a hairy midget to sit on his head. What the hell is going on? I got so distracted...

Bob Proctor Impression of Sir Winston Churchill Judo of Insults

Judo is where you take the strength of the other person's shot, and put them down. You don't win much doing that. You know. It's reported that Sir Winston Churchill was a master at physiological judo. One time Betsy Braddock, from liver pool, said, "sir Winston, you are drunk and disgusting."

"Yes madam I am." and he said, "You are ignorant, you're ugly." but he said, "tomorrow morning I'm going to be sober."

what he do? He won the battle and lose the war.

Lady astir one time, said to him, "Sir Winston, if i was your wife i would be put arsenic in your coffee."

He said, "Madam, if i was your husband. I would drink it."

Russell Peters anticipates Chinese Comedian in Hong Kong and Indian Accents different usages

You know what really upset me when I went to Hong Kong. Where ever you go and perform, where ever I go they have local comedians open the show for us. South Africa -- They have South African. I go to England. They have an English comedian. I went to Hong Kong. I kept picturing in my head, a Chinese comedian. I get there -- no Chinese comedian. I was so upset. I keep on picturing a Chinese guy comedian. A little Chinese brother coming out, opening the store, "Hey, hey. Excuse me. Your mother so fat. Da when she jumps, jumping for joy, she got stuck. Oh, OK. thank you." Didn't happen. Didn't happen, very upsetting.

I am going to let out a secret about Indian people. For all the people here, for all the people watching where ever you are, if you are not Indian, this is the message to you, behalf of all the Indian people, all my brown people don't get upset, I'm letting out our secret. Just to let you guys know. Indian people are fully aware of what their accent sounds like. We don't actually need you. We know exactly what it sounds like. We know it's not the coolest accent in the world, you know. You never going to see two Indian guys in a club, saying, "Hey man, aren't we cool. Don't we sound really hip. We are going to meet all the bitches tonight. I'm pimpin." We know what it sounds like, you know. And don't think for one minute that we don't know you guys are mocking us when we are not around. It's an accent. We are not death. Don't think when we walk into Home Depot and go, "Hello, I'm looking for paint."

"Yeah, it's right down that aisle over there."

"Hey Jim, did you hear that guy? He was looking for paint. Paint. Paiiiiint... Let's grab a cigarette and talk like this for half an hour. We know you are doing it -- you bastards. But any people know what their accent is good for and what is not good for. We know it's limitation. We know it's not good for getting laid. It's not going to help you. "Hello babe." Nothing is going to happen for you. You know what the Indian accent is good for... is cutting tension. You got a tense situation -- pop in the Indian accent. Tension's gone. Picture a serious court room drama.

"Your honor, my client... would like to plead guilty."

Dave Chappelle works at Burger King and Went to Jail twice

It feels good to do stand up again. Not that I don't like stand up. I just don't like microphones. I'm sick of talking in them. I mean. I used to work at Burger King for six years. I didn't work the mic. I worked the grill. A guy, named Steve, worked the mic. I thought it was a pain in the butt. Every time someone orders something, "Hi, how are you? Can I... Can I have a whopper with cheese?"

"Sure. Arrr... A Whopper with Cheese!"

You son of a beach. I'm right behind you. Just turn around and ask me for it, for a whopper.

You know Canada is nice. It's like a kinder and gentler America in a way. Even the police are nicer. I'm not saying they are nice. I don't know, but they just smile, at least. You know. I've been to jail before, twice -- not as a prisoner. One time was from childhood. I was suspended from school 23 times, during February. I wasn't bad though. I was just mischevious. I got hold of all my teacher's phone numbers. By the time, I thought it was funny. I was calling in death threats. I know that's bad man. My English teacher, Mr. Johnson, I called him up. He's all nice on the phone, "Hello, Johnson's Residence."

"Is this Mr. Johnson?"

"Yes it is. Who might this be?"

"You're a dead man Johnson."

"Who is this?"

"Shut up. Punk. You are going to die, unless you give Dave Chappelle good grades."

I don't know how he caught me. They put me on a program called Scared Straight. You ever heard of this? That is where they put bad kids like me in prison. And the prisoner start yelling at us with some scary stories. You know. Scare us into being good. And the other kids were scared. But I was not scared. I was having none of it, "Oh shut up convict. Like I'm going to take advice from you. You look like you are the right person that made all the right choices in life. You better wrap this up. I gotta be home by 3. What time you leaving?"

Another time I went to jail, it had nothing to do with me. I was bailing my friend out of jail, which is probably no big deal to you. But if you are black dude, you have to walk right into the belly of the beast. "The black dude wants to go to jail." I was scared. I had to look non-threatening. "Hey how are you? I'm here to bail out a friend of mine."

"Oh. Ok. While you are here, you do fit a description. If you just walk this way."

Discipline in Arab versus United States Teacher Described by Egyptian Clock Comedian

Wow. I am really nervous up her on stage. That is not actually pronounce my name. It's actually Arabdomeabdee Mohamdfalal Shelaman Abduhlla Ali. Ok. Now we are all a little nervous. And that's ok. It's fine. It's ok. That's fine. We relax. It's ok. I'll make sure we'll have a blast. Geez, everyone is so nervous around Arabs. I think it's the way we convey tone. Car salesman in Frankenstein, for instance, may say, "This one here mate. I'm not going to lie to you. It's a bit of a bomb." Put him in place someone from a scummy third world middle eastern country say Colbert. "Oh, oh. This one here is a bomb. You will have a blast."

I have this insight because I'm Egyptian actually. This means I'm African. I'm Arab. And everyone thinks I'm Indian. I'm the most discriminated against group in Australia all rolled into one easy to establish in a train package.

A few months ago, a girl jumped out of the third floor of their high school building in Egypt because she feared what her teacher would do to her for not doing her homework. I don't know about you guys, but when I didn't do my homework my teacher would come up to me and go, "Colin, have you done your homework?"

"Oh Gawd, I haven't." I put out my hand. "Oh gawd, ah ah. She is going to cut it off."

Then she goes, "That's it Colin. I'm going to put your name on the board."

"Sss...So."

"Ah, smart. Are we? Well, I'm going to put a tick next to your name."

Can you imagine if my parents implemented the same discipline? If i went home one day to my mom, and I said something horrible like, "Mama, I just talked to a girl."

"Oh my gawd. Abdella abdulla althalative. Mahanda valvalageesh. Sleeplavine. Moohadlava. Ali. I'm going to put your name... on the board. Eh hah. And if she is pregnant, I'm going to put a tick, next to your name."

Drew Lynch Struggles During Date Life Giving Out Numbers on Americas Got Talent Finals

So I'm currently not sexually active because I'm saving myself -- some money. I would never be a good parent because I don't have conviction in my voice. I'd be like, "I'm going to count to 3."

"Oh good, we have time."

Numbers are so hard for me. When I first met my girlfriend, by the time I gave her my phone number, it was our aniversary. It's a nightmare. I was like, "okay, it's 818." She was like, "Is that one 8 or two 8s?"

"No there's no two. It's just 818."

She was like, "888."

"Three 8s? What am I? Customer service? It's area code, 818."

She was like, "I got two 8s, two 1s, one 8."

"That's a zipcode. I'm not telling you where I'm living. Just take down my email. It's d."

She's like, "I got two Ds?"

I'm like, "Ah, you're Cs."

Demetri Martin describes a New Model Cigarettes that can Motivate Addicts to Quit

Smoking is a big problem. We can't get people to quit smoking. And warnings don't work. I think you got to change the cigarette. You know what I mean. If you change the shape of the cigarette, maybe that would do it. You get a cigarette that has like 2 balls hanging from... "This does not look as cool when it used to. I got to quit. This is ridiculous." Surgeon general warning: Cigarettes may contain tiny hairy balls.

When somebody commits a murder suicide, that is somebody not thinking through the afterlife. "Bam, you're dead. Bam, I'm dead. Oh, hey, f.... this is going to be awkward forever."

When there is somebody who is dead and someone does something that the person would not have liked, they say that person is spinning in their grave. But I don't understand why they say that. Why is spinning the corpse shows disapproval? That does not make any sense. I mean if we show disapproval, when we are alive, then that would make sense. "Man, I am so piss at you right now. You have no idea how mad I am."

"Awe crap. Demetri is spinning. Let's get out of here."

If I live below a tap dancer, I would put really powerful magnets on the ceiling. "What's that? We aren't tapping anymore. Are we? More of a tap stander we got up there. Oh now we are moving, through the window. Oh, there we go."

Bill Burr loves Ebola and hates First Lady President Michelle Obama, and Hillary Clinton is like Tom Brady's Wife

Alright, how are you? How is it going? Thank you for coming out in the wonderful evening. I just got back from southeast Asia. I did some stand up over there. Really cool people. Wonderful people unbelievable poverty and stuff. I almost fall off the stage. It makes it hard to complain though. You know. You see that level of poverty. Come back, and your throat is all itchy and stuff. Probably got Ebola. You know. It would be a good thing to bring that here. You know. Just to thin out the traffic a little bit. Why don't ever let it burn through one time? Why do always have to jump on it?

Do you ever have one of those selfish thoughts? When a bunch of people that died, no one you knew or loved, right? And then the next day you tear right through the tunnel, 5 evening, right? The only thing you have to suppress is the guilt of not missing those people that you didn't know, right? I should not make fun of Ebola. I don't know anything about it. Other than that you get it, you have the unbelievable urge to go to the airport, alright. Yeah, I don't know what it is? Nobody get's Ebola, and has the decency to walk out into the woods by themselves, and just bleed out like a gentlemen, right? For some reason, you got to go right down to the airport, "Oh, can I downgrade to the middle seat. Blah. blah."

So I am sick of Obama's wife. Yeah. This isn't some republican rant either. It's just the first lady in general. You know. I don't know what it is. All throughout of my life, which each presidency, like these first ladies. They got more and more like chatty. You know. More and more chiming in. Like leaning into the frame, spitting out there ideas. It's like why are you talking? Right? You weren't even elected. Shut-up. Your husband is not running a lemonade stand, here. He is running the country. You just don't chime in.

Let me guess. It's considered sexist. It is? Why? OK. Let me ask you this. Let say you have a leak in your house. OK. You call the plumber up. He shows up, and he goes, "Yeah, the leaks coming from the upstairs bathroom. We got to shut off the valve." All of a sudden his wife walks in, who isn't a plumber. And she goes, "Yeah, I think it actually coming from the outside." What you be like, "With all due respect, shut the fuck up. I need a plumber in this moment."

I'll extend an olive branch here. At some point, there is going to be the first female president. Alright. Exactly. Which means at that moment, you are going to have the first male first lady, right? And when that happens, that dude needs to shut his trap. I don't want to hear a word out of him. I want to hear from the president. You sir, do some first lady stuff, alright. Go get yourself some gloves that goes up to your elbows. Smile and nod during speeches. Go put your own flares. Decorating the white house. Alright. Which leads you to Michelle Obama. Right? Now she is sitting there, holding out those hashtags, "Bring back our girls." Remember that. That blew my mind. Why are you showing me that? I'm a stand up comedian. Like what am I going to do to get those girls back? Won't you just look across the dinner table. You see that guy? That is the leader of the free world. Tell him to pick up the phone. Call some navy seals, and solve it. What am I going to do? Show up with a sharpen mic stand? "Oh, Michelle said to bring her back." Oh it's unreal.

I will tell you what kills me. Hilary Clinton might run. She might run. I don't know how she became a senator. She went from being the president's wife to senator. Just like that -- lateral movement. That's like Tom Brady wife becomes next quarterback for the rams. It's like what? You hanging out. You just pick it up. "I sucked at sports. Then I bang Tom Brady, and I don't know what happen. I just picked up a ball. I started lacing it. I'm leading receivers. It was incredible." I knew it is going to be like this.

You know what's funny. Some people think that a woman being president is a good idea. You know. Do you believe that? See that. They do. "That would do something. That would change things." How? How is that ever going to change things? Do you know how much a president makes a year? A president makes 400 grand a year. That's it. They are trying to keep billionaires in line. 400 grand a year. He makes less than people blogging on the internet. President should have F U money. right? He shouldn't be sitting with his pocket turns inside out, "I need your help. Give me a job." What you guys? Donate to the campaign? Is that what it is?

Really Really 2 BAD words of all time by Elon Gold

My nine year old boy -- He came home recently and he... It was the cutest story, 100% true story. He came home, and he said, "Daddy, I learned two really bad words."

"Ok son, let's hear them. What are they."

He's all, "No, no. They are so bad that I can't even say them. I'm just going to spell them."

I was like, "Alright, fug it. Spell them." I should have not said that. But I figured that was one of the words, and then we have that covered. And move on, but it wasn't. It was worse. It was worse. I was like, "Ok, spell it."

And he goes, "K..." I'm going through the list.

Elon Gold makes Languages sound Funny with Russian French and Japanese Accent

Accents to me are so strange. But languages are even weirder. Like the Russian accent, it's kind of weird. The Russian language -- Oh my gawd. Have you ever hear anyone speak Russian? It's like, "Knee-vah-shnush-vee-nee-reed-eeem-nighee-sheeeed-sneeet-veeet-boo-boo-snheed." It's like, "Are you talking backwards? Russian language literally sounds like English, played in reverse -- with somebody pressing pause and unpause every 3 seconds. Like, "veed-chdreem-zeet-nreed-moosh-need-waaz-shneed."

Japanese -- They say Japanese is you know... It's a nice language. Is it? I don't know. Every time I walk into a sushi restaurant, they start yelling at me, "Arigatou gozaimashita!!" That's not a nice language. That's the noise my blender makes when i put something in it that I shouldn't of, "arigatou gozaimashita!!" Oh I left my spoon in there. That's the problem. I knew there was something weird.

And they say french is a beautiful, romantic language. No, it isn't. Whenever I hear two french people talk, it's sound like they are just mocking each other. Like, "Nha frank, frank. Wee. Wee. Poo. Poo. Blee. Blee. Blah."

Mitch Hedberg famous Yogurt, Bigfoot, Pringles, Turkey, and Wait list Party of 3 bit

Some Canadian television exposure, finally. I gotta find out when this airs, so when I come into this country, I'll be ready for the adulations. I have been to David Letterman show twice. Anybody see me? Hey I be damn. Like 4 million watching that show, and I don't know where the hell they are. That's my favorite introduction that I ever had. "You might heard of this next comedian on the david letterman show, but I believe more people have seen me at the store." And that would be a better introduction. "You might have seen this next comedian at the store." And people would say, "Hell yes I have."

I opened a yogurt. And underneath the lid, it says, "please try again." They were having a contest that I was unaware of. But I thought I might have opened the yogurt wrong. Or Yo-plait was trying to inspire me, "Come on Mitch, Don't give up. Please try again. A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait. Fruit on the bottom. Hope on top."

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to too.

I like to play black jack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle. My friend is a blackjack dealer. And on his forearm, he has a tattoo of an ace and a jack. You see. I'm a blackjack player. On my forearm, I'm gonna get a tattoo of a 10 and a 2. And maybe later a king.

I think Bigfoot is blurry. That's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me because there's a large out of focus monster, roaming in the country side.

One time this guy handed me a picture, and said, "Here is a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger. Ain't it about time someone said that.

I think pringles initial attention was to make tennis balls. But on the day the ball was suppose to show up, a big truck load of potatoes arrived. And pringles said, "What the hell. Cut them up."

I think a roaster is a really morbid Ferris wheel for chickens. It's a very scary piece of machinery. We will take the chicken and paint it and rotate it. And I'll be damn if I am not hungry. Because spinning chicken caucuses makes my mouth water.

If you go to the grocery store and you stand in front of the lunch meat section for too long, you start to get pissed off at turkeys. You see like turkey ham, turkey pastrami, turkey bologna. Some one needs to tell the turkeys, "Man, just be yourself." I already like you little brother. You don't need to emulate like the other animals. You got your own thing going.

I had a apartment in Los Angeles, and I had a neighbor. whenever he knocked on my wall, I knew he wanted me to turn my music down. That made me angry cause I love loud music. So I knock on his wall to mess with his head. I would say, "Go around. I cannot open the wall. I don't know if you have door knob on the other side, but over here there's nothing."

I like Kitkat unless I am four or more people.

When I wear t shirts, I can only wear v necks because my neck is very fragile. I cannot wear regular neck shirts. It hurts. And I especially hate turtle necks. Wearing a turtle neck -- it's like being strangled by a really weak guy -- all damn day. If you wear a turtle neck and a backpack, it's like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

You know restaurants over the weekends get busy, so they start a waiting list. They start calling out names. They say like, "Dufran party of 2. Table ready for Dufran party of 2." And if no one answers, they would say the name again, "Dufran party of 2." But if no one answers, they go on to the next name, "Bush party of 3." Yeah, but what happened to Dufran? No one seems to care. Who can eat like a time like this? People are missing. You people are selfish. Dufran is in someones trunk right now with duck-tape over thier mouth, and they are hungry. That's a triple whammy. We need help. Bush search party of 3. You can eat once you find the Dufran.

Jeff Allen's 20th Wedding Anniversary Spent in Hawaii with No Clue about Entertainment and Activities

My wife is here tonight. By the way, we are celebrating our 20th anniversary last July. Thank you. I knew it was the special anniversary, and I messed up the previous 19. I am not going to mess this one. I went to her about a month out. I asked her, "Where do you like to celebrate? I know this is going to be special." I was thinking restaurant. She almost hit me in the head with a brochures. She said, "Hawaii." You know. I would be happy staying home as long as near you buttercup. She goes, "You want to get near me. Get on the plane. I'm going to Hawaii."

It's the first time in 10 years my wife and I get away from home without children. And you parents know after 10 years... By the second day in Hawaii, we had no idea how to entertain ourselves. It was the most pathetic display of human behavior that I have ever witnessed. Two losers standing in a hotel lobby. "What do you want to do?"

"I don't know. What do you want to do?"

"I don't know."

"You want to eat."

"Yeah, we can eat. That be good."

"What you want Mexican?"

"I don't know. Can we get Mexican in Hawaii?"

On the third day, we just did thing that came natural to us. We went to the beach, and started yelling at people's kid. "Yeah, leave your little sister alone. Never mind who are we."

"We are the losers of beach patrol of Tennessee."

Donald Glover talks about Kids that are Sugar Addicts and Crave Cocoa puffs Vs Kix Vs Cheerios

Kids love sugar. My brother, Steven, loves sugar. He loves sugar. We were not allowed to have any sugary cereal as a kid. We weren't. We weren't allowed to have any sugary cereal as a kid. My mom would like get... We would only allowed to have to types of cereals. It was cheerios and kix. And cheerios is like cardboard doo doo. And kix is like the handjob of all cereals. It's like a little sweet. It's the hand-job of cereals cause it's like, "this is pretty good, but you really know what I really want." So like we would always go to the store. My brother was like, "I really want co co puffs. I really want cocoa puffs. Can we get cocoa puffs?" My mom would be like, "No. No. No. No, we are not getting coco puffs. No sugar. No. No. No."

And then one day my brother snapped. He just snapped. He's like, "Mom, everyone is eating it." My mom goes and grabs and goes, "Fine!" Throws it in the cart, and walks away. Me and my brother was like, "What?! It was that easy?"

So we go home, and we be skipping around like, "Yes. Yes. We are going to get coco puffs. This is so awesome. Yes. Yes. This is going to be so great. We are going to tell everyone at school that we had coco puffs."

And she... My mom was a Tupperware woman. And my mom goes over to the cabinet. And does the most devious thing that I have ever seen anyone do. She takes a big Tupperware container meant for cereal -- One of those big things you pour in and stuff. Opens it up. Takes a quarter of the coco puffs -- Just like the top, quarter. Pours it in there like, "blah blah." Then take a big box of kix, and pours like the whole thing on top of it. Shakes it up, so like the ratio was like 13,000 kix to 1 coco puffs. It's like spots of brown. It looks like a Kanye concert. That's what it was -- a Kanye concert. She takes the box, and slides it across table. And she was like, "there you go."

And my brother was like, "boo hoo." And he continues to pour some into the bowl, "You witch. How could you ruin this to me?" My brother was crying, and he still ate it. That's how much kids love sugar. That's how much my brother love sugar. He was an addict. He could have been, "F this. I don't need this." But he was like, "I still want it. I still want it..." It's like... If you love pizza, "Hey, you like pizza? There you go." You are not going to be like, "Oh you A hole." Don't eat the pizza. Don't eat it.

Donald Glover Hates Kids and Rather Have AIDS over baby Babies thank you Condoms

Kids are awful. You don't know. You don't know. Do you know the testament of how awful the kids are? I was walking down the street in LA. Just walking down the street from my favorite restaurant with a bag full of food. And it's right across the street from school. I saw two kids fighting over a basketball. I was walking by. And one of them goes, "Gawd dang." And pulls it, and the other one goes, "that's why your mom is on a freakin wheelchair."

And I drop my shit, and I was like, "Wha wha!! What!!! You can say that?! You can say that word in that order?! And you don't explode?!" Like the people police don't go, "This person is a demon. I don't know how. I don't know how he got out." That is the most awful thing in the world. Nobody in this room can get away with that.

If ou went to work tomorrow, and he goes, "hey man, David has been a real jerk."

"Yeah, I know. what's doing on?"

"I don't know, but... that's why his mom is on a freakin wheelchair. Alright, I'll see you later. I see you basketball later."

"No. No basketball later. I'm not playing with a monster."

I'm tired of Hitlers.

Seriously that's why I wear condoms. I'm not going to have a baby. I'm not ready to have a baby. I know a lot of people would be just say, "I wear condoms cause I don't want to get AIDS." But I gotta be honest. I'm sorry. I'd rather much have AIDS than a baby. Sorry AIDS beats baby by this much. Seriously, people get all upset when they hear about it. Think about it. They are not that different. They are not that different at all. They are both expensive. You'll have them for the rest of your life. They are constant reminder of the mistake you made. And once you have them, you can pretty much only date people who have them. What's the difference. What's the difference. The only difference is you can't go to jail by accidentally dropping AIDS. So AIDS win by this much.

I'm serious. At least people, when you have AIDS, people are aware and they want to help and feel sorry for you. People want to help you out, and make other people aware when you have AIDS. People don't give a shit when you have kids. No ones like, "Yeah man, I'm living with kids. I have been kids positive for about 5 years now. I lost many of my friends from the 80s from kids. It's just... We are doing a kids walk tomorrow. Ugh. I'm sorry. One of my kids cough on my face. I have to leave." No one cares.

Henry Cho talks about How to handle Talkative Women in his Knoxville Tennessee Accent

Thank you very much. You guys are too kind. My name is Henry Cho. I'm full blooded Korean. I was born and raised in Knoxville, Tenseness. I don't speak Korean though cause they didn't offer it in high school. I took spanish.

I did go to Korea though one time. 25 years ago, I went with my dad. It's weird because Korean people walk up to and start talking to me. I don't know what to do. I'm like, "How are you all doing? Get away from me." I did go with my dad. This is where you are going to follow me on this. Back in Knoxville, we are the only Asian people. My dad is the only Asian man that I have ever seen in my life before I went to Korea. So I can pick my dad at any crowd like that. This reverse on me in Korea. We got in the plane. Then he walked 20 feet away. And I just lost him, "Ahhhh." I found him like an hour later. "Dad, don't you ever leave me man. They're talking to me."

The only traveling I do now, across the world, is mission trips -- 3rd world countries. You know. I was India. The weirdest thing that they don't got there, show curtains. Unbelievable. No show curtains. Same kind of bathroom. No shower curtains. The water goes everywhere. So I start thinking, "Wow. the movie, psycho, will not work here." There be no, "whff." There be, "what are you doing here man. Close the door. It's cold."

One thing I noticed in 3rd world countries that they all have in common is lack of food. We have so much food in this country. It's unbelievable. We have the food network. We have eating competition. We have so much food that we develop allergies to food. Doesn't happen in 3rd world. I guarantee you. There is no one in Honduras that is lactose intolerant. Not one kid that was given a sandwich, in a little village in India, not one kid went, "Uh, does that have peanut butter?" No peanut butter by the way.

My wife is going to Haiti soon. My wife is awesome. We have been married for 13 years. 13 years of marriage is great. I'm in show biz. That's like a 112. My wife is great. My wife is like most wives. My wife can find anything. The other day, my oldest boy lost his DS in my truck. He and I go looking for it. My truck is not dirty. It's not in there. I came in like, "Honey, not in there." She was like, "Well, let me go look." I'm like, "Go look." No, she was outside when I said that. So she is back in 30 seconds, "It was like right there." I'm like, "Man." She walks off. And my boy looks at me, and goes, "How she do that?" I'm like, "Well, she is a witch. Have you ever seen your mom float. Witches can't float. Your mom is a witch."

It's like mom can find anything except for her own cellphone. My wife loses her cellphone like 20 times a day. She has two phones so she can find the other phone. Luckily she is on her own 5 circle of friends, so it's cheaper. I thought with all the cellphones that she'll be done with talking now, but she don't. You know. Women have to talk. This is scientific fact. I'm not being sexist. Women use more words than men. It's not like 12 more. It's like thousands more. If they don't get it out, they build like rollover minutes. And we pay the penalty. If my wife finds out that I don't care about 95% of the stuff like our house, I don't care about my house, our lives would be so much smoother.

Other day I was watching the ball game. She just paused it. She goes, "Henry, do you like these curtains?" I said, "Yes."

"What do you like about them?"

"No."

One of those would get you out, right?

Bill Burr Disses Steve Jobs as Hero because Apple Tech Garbage Pollutes into the Ocean with Sea Life

Actually nerd Jesus died last year, right? - Steve jobs. Yeah, he died, right? I know. I know. Lot of nerds are here tonight. I know. You are sad. I didn't get it. I didn't get the big deal made about that guy. When he died, they're like, "He changed the world." That's insane. "He changed the world! The world was one way! And then Steve Jobs came, and it was another!" What did he do? Somebody, for the love of god. What the freak did that guy do? What he do? He told other people what to invent. "I want my entire music collection in that phone. Get on it!" Right? Then these poor nameless faces scientists gotta go into the back room, and figure it out. "How the freak we are going to get all of this into this? I mean. What year is this guy think it is? This guy is crazy. This is like Buck Rogers. Dude, my kid has a birthday like in 11 months."

Steve Jobs just walking by, "I don't want to hear any thinking going on in there." He be strutting around the office, eating some pretentious fruit like a pear, right? Just throwing out ideas. "I have another one. Here's another one I just came up with on the way to work. I was reading a magazine the other day, turning pages. You know. I like to turn pages on the screen that aren't even there. Yeah, wrap your freaking head on that one guys. See you in 8 years. Where are going Michael - big, little, big little. Get on it."

Right? Then all these people slave away to make his vision come true, and then they have the big nerd fest, right --down there in comic con. Then all the nerd mecca -- they are all showing their acne and their hulk shirts, limping in the arena, right? Does Steve jobs go out in a whole chorus line of scientists? Naw, he goes out there by himself -- sneakers with no belt like it's no biggie. Like he's Tesla, tapping in the atmosphere.

I know. This is always uncomfortable. I know. You bought into it, right. That whole advertising. How they align themselves with the greatest people of all time. Jesus, Gandhi, me. Remember that? Mohammad Ali, John Lennon, this guys... How the freak was that dude like any of them? Gandhi didn't have a sweatshop. Nah, he didn't have people leaping to there deaths only to get... catch a net and get ricochet back to the window to have to put together yet another iPad. John Lennon didn't have children in his basement, pressing those freaking albums.

I know. I know. New phone can't fit the old charger. This is your hero? This is the guy? This is what all the silence is all about. New phone can't fit the old charger, so you gots to throw it out. It ends up in the ocean around some octopus's neck. Do you realize how much sea life is ecstatic that that man no longer walking the earth.

That's where it all ends up. You know. It doesn't go to landfill. It all goes into the ocean. Do you guys realize that? I hate people say that they don't pollute. "I don't pollute." Yeah, you do. You use shit, and you throw it out. What? Do you think you put it in the basket it poofs, disappear? Everything you ever use goes somewhere. Do you ever think about that? Remember that flannel shirt that you bought back in the day when you got into Pearl Jam? That is out there somewhere. Probably on some corpse's face, trying to get it off. Stupid little flippers.

All the fads. Do you remember rollerblading? Remember that? Everybody had them. We set up cones. We did little tricks, right? What little homophobic joke killed that entire fad. What's the hardest thing about rollerblading? "Uhm... telling your parents that you're gay." Full grown adults going, "I'm not gay. I don't have the cuties. These mean I suck dick." So they just threw them out. They end up in the ocean. They made out of plastic. They can't biodegrade. They just break down into little cubes. Fishes are breathing them in. 6 months later, you going out for sushi. You thinking you being healthy. You're eating your own roller-blades.

Jim Gaffigan Loves McDonald's Fries Big Mac and admitting His Obsession

I reference McDonalds a lot cause I go to McDonalds. I love the silence that follows that statement -- like I just admitted to subordinate dog fighting or something, "How could you? McDonalds?" It's fun telling people you go to McDonalds. They're always give you that look like, "Ah Oh. I didn't know I was better than you?" No one admits going to McDonalds. They sold six billion hamburgers a day. There's only 300 million on this country. It's like, "Hmm... I'm not a calculus teacher, but I think everyones lying." Have you ever been to McDonalds, and you see a friend for a second? You're like, "Oh crap." Eventually you are like, "Hey, Hey, What's going on?" They're like, "I'm just here for the 99 cents ATM. What are you doing here Jim?"

"I'm just meeting a hooker. Certainly not eating here. That's for sure. Yeah, she should be here by now."

Cause we all should know better by now, right? We all read the articles, seeing those documentaries. It's the same message, "Look McDonalds is really bad for you. It's really high in fat and calories." And we don't even know where the meat comes from. And we're like, "That's disgusting. I'll have a big mac, a large fry, and 2 gallon drum of coke." Because there's a McDonalds denial. We all embrace it. No ones going in there innocent. We are walking in a red and yellow building with a giant M over it. "What is this? A library? Well, I'll get some fries while I'm here." Because those McDonalds fries are truely amazing, right? Have your mother made anything good as a McDonalds fries? Not even close. We lie to ourselves when we eat at McDonalds. We like, "It's so thin. It couldn't be that fattening." Have you ever eatten too many McDonalds fries? Of course not. There's never enough of them. There's always that moment when you're eating McDonalds fries that you were like, "What happened? Where they go? Then you go scrouging for the fry crumbs. You're like,"Hmmm... oh that's just a piece of paper from a straw. But it was touching the fry so..." Sometimes there's a loose fry in the bag. You know -- the bonus fry? It's like Jesus up in heaven, "Give him an extra fry. He'll pay if forward."

By the way, that's how Jesus sound -- or at least I hope. You don't want to meet Jesus, and he's like, "Hey, yah, how you doing? You been turning the other cheeks. I gave you the bonus fry for a reason."

The bonus fry is always extra long, and you're like, "How did i miss you? Bonus fry, you get your own ketchup packet." You always savour the last fry. I'm going to turn this into 10 bites, "Oh I meet you up later. I'm going to eat this bonus fry." These fries are amazing -- for what, 7 minutes? Then they turn into something like not biodegradable.

Have you ever made a mistake reheating McDonald's fry in the microwave? They become packing peanuts. It doesn't stop you from eating. You're like, "These are not even good anymore. How is yours? Yours aren't good either."

Fries can't get cold. Shakes can't get warm. Have you ever leave McDonald's shake out for an hour? Reality sets in, "This is not even made from milk. It's just some kind of chocolate mucus." But we all know this. We know McDonald's commercial aren't realistic. I would like to see one commercial that shows people 5 minutes after they ate McDonald's, "Ugh... Now I need a cigarette. I deserve a cigarette break today." But they get us in there, you know.

Some of those deals they offer are just cruel -- 2 big macs for 2 bucks. I drive by, "Well, I don't wanna lose money on this. I'll get 80 of them." I know some of you are like, "Sorry white trash guy, I don't eat McDonald's." I have friends that brag about not going to McDonald's, "Oh, I would never go to McDonald's." Well, McDonald's would not want you because you're a dick. I'm tired of people acting like they are better than McDonald's. It's like you never set foot in McDonald's, but you have your own McDonald's. Maybe instead of buying a big mac, you read US Weekly. Hey, that's still McDonald's. It's just served up a little different. Maybe your McDonald's just telling yourself that Starbucks frappe-late is not a milkshake. Or maybe you watch Glee. It's all McDonald's. McDonald's of the soul. Momentary pleasure followed by incredible eventually leading to cancer. Oh, I'm loving it. We all have our own. We all have our own McDonalds. It may take me a while digest my quarter pounder with cheese, but that tramp stamp is forever. Do Do Do Do Do. Mistake.

Really, it's all McDonald's out there, right? How can we all name 3 different people that dated Jenifer Aniston. It's McDonald's. And we gobble it up like McDonald's fries like, "Who is she dating now. I know I shouldn't but so salty. Is she pregnant yet? It's not even my business. Johanson got a haircut? Why do I give a shit?" Because it's McDonald's. And it feels good going down. By they way if you care who prince William married, that's burger king. That's not even our gossip.

I just love this societal outrage of McDonald's, "McDonald's has no nutritional value. It has no vitamins." McDonald's is like, "Excuse me, we sell burgers and fries. We never said we are a farmer's market. Heck, our spokesperson is a petefile clown from the 70s. What do you want from us america? But I always raised from McDonald's, and I turned out... well, that's not the best reasoning. McDonald's has given us so much. We wouldn't know when breakfast ends if there was no McDonald's. I'll be eating eggs at 5pm like a moron. Thank you McDonald's. How are we suppose to know Saint Patrick's day without the shamrock shake. Thank you McDonald's. Without McDonald's, how would I communicate to the world that I give up. Cause if you are over the age of 10 and you are eating McDonald's, you have given up a little bit.

Chris Tucker describes Life with Michael Jackson in Neverland Story Singing Dancing and Joking Around

Give it up for my boy, Michael Jackson. I miss him man. I miss him. King man -- he's a true life king. Did you all see him in a video? Did you all see him in of those videos? Rock my World? I couldn't believe that I was in that video. I kept on messing up the video, looking at Michael. I was like, "Gawd damn. I'm doing a video." Michael was getting mad, "Chris, what the hell are you doing? Chris look straight. What the hell are you doing. You're messing up my video, chris." I'm like, "I'm sorry. I can't believe I'm on the video with you man!"

"Chris believe it. Chris believe it. You're messing up my video, chris."

"Michael, I'm sorry man. I can't believe it."

Micheal was so cool man. Michael change my name, and I didn't say nothing. He started calling me christmas. First I didn't know what he was talking to. He was like, "Hey christmas."

"Michael, who you talking to?"

"I'm talking to you. Your name sounds like Christmas. It's beautiful Chris. It reminds me of christmas -- Christmas trees, presents, fire places. It's beautiful chris. You should keep it chris."

He convinced me. It does sound kind of good. Christmas Tucker. Ok. Christmas Tucker. Sounds pretty good. I will keep it for a little while.

I went to Neverland. Michael had it cold. Michael had it cold. Neverland was really like Neverland. You go there. Michael had this golden gate. You go throught this gate. The music comes on. It was like, "La la la." Gawd damn. This is really Neverland. I don't ever want to leave. He be fly too. He ride a little train to the house. There is some shit right there. Michael got a train in his house. We get to the house man. Michael would be sitting like michael collooney. He would be sitting in the living room. People gets their bag. Michael be like, "How are you? How are you doing?" He be sitting and talking and all of a sudden something magical would happen -- like two giraffe walk by the window. I be like, "What the hell is happening. Michael, was that 2 giraffes just walk by the window?"

"That was 3 -- three giraffes."

"Michael, that was fly as hell..."

"I know. I know. That's why I bought them."

"Man, how many animals are free like that?"

"A couple of elephants, one lion that we can't find..."

"what?! What?"

"It won't bite you Chris."

"It won't bite you Michael. That lion only like meat. You better find that damn lion."

Michael was cool man. Man, we would hang out with Mike. Michael like rap. He like that 50 cent song -- in the club. He liked the beats so he be jammin to the beat. We be riding in the car. Michael be jamming in the car. He be like, "Bump bump. Bump bump. Ta. ta. ta. Bump. bump." Michael be getting down. All of a sudden you know... It's cool until he started singing the words. That's when he sounded crazy. He be like, "You see me in the club with a bottle..."

"Michael, Michael, no... No... Don't sing the words."

"Chris, I love that song, chris. I love that beat. I love it. That is some cold blooded beat. I love that... Of course I would not go to a club with a bottle full of bud, chris. I would not do that. I love that song."

"It doesn't sound right."

"I know, but I love it."

He love Rick Ross too. Sometimes he be going around the place in the summer and be like, "RRRR."

"What the hell was that?" I was like, "Michael, was that you?"

"No... No..."

"Did you here that?"

"I didn't hear nothing. I thought you did it."

One time I caught him. He was like, "RRRRR."

I said, "Michael, I saw you. I knew it. It was you."

"Chris, I'm sorry. I love Rick Ross. I love him. I love that music. It's so cool. He's so crazy. Rrrr. I love that. He so free. I want to do that on my album -- RRRR. He's so crazy -- so silly. Rrrr. So crazy guy."

One time I did something cool with Michael. I went over to Barry Gibb's house from the Bee Gees. I was like, "Damn this is fly." We were watching the Oscars at Barry Gibbs house -- the Bee Gees. And we all sitting there, and hanging out in stuff. I was like, "Gawd damn, Barry Gibbs and Michael Jackson." All of sudden both of them started singing how deep is your love. I said, "Gawd dang. This Michael Jackson and Barry Gibbs are singing right in front of me. Man, noboby is going to believe me with this shit." It was just me and the dog. The dog was even surprised, "Dwwag ruff ruff."

"Do you see this shit?"

"ruff Ruff I see this shit."

So they start singing. Michael started singing first. I never heard him sing live before. He was like, "How deep is your love... How deep is your love. I really need to know cause we're living in the world of fools, breaking us down and we all should let us be. And the world should..." Then Barry came in, "I feel you... feeling the love that you believe in me." And I caught up, and came in, "talk to you on a summer breeze, and your love. I felt like I know it." Michael was like, "Chris, no. Chris, no. Chris... Chris... No... Chris... What are you doing? Chris... Barry, I'm sorry barry. Chris..."

"I'm sorry Michael. I got caught up."

"No Chris... No... Stick with the jokes Chris... No... What are you doing?"

"Sorry, I got caught up. It sounds so good man."

"No Chris... No... You said you would not sing nothing. Chris..."

"Barry, I'm sorry."

"Chris, what's wrong with you? No..."

"Sorry barry. Sorry Barry."

"Chris... what are you doing?"

"You guys sounded so good. I thought I..."

"No chris... No chris... Go to the car chris. Go to the car."

"I won't say nothing else."

Michael is the man -- Man. Michael performing live. Michael was incredible man. Michael would go out there, and start...

Looking Out Across The Night-Time The City Winks A Sleepless Eye Hear Her Voice Shake My Window Sweet Seducing Sighs

Get Me Out Into The Night-Time Four Walls Won't Hold Me Tonight If This Town Is Just An Apple Then Let Me Take A Bite

If They Say - Why, Why, Tell 'Em That Is Human Nature Why, Why, Does He Do Me That Way If They Say - Why, Why, Tell 'Em That Is Human Nature Why, Why, Does He Do Me That Way

KT Tatara describes ESPN Headliner About Jeremy Lin -- Chink in the Armor

I really don't like to make a lot of Asian jokes. Man, we get made fun of all the time, right? We're the only minority that get made fun of when we are still in the room. No one hesitates. People go right into it. Asian guy smells like fish man. And I was at this store. This guy walks in... No offense man. Anyways, the Asian guy... Like what the hell?! No one does it with black people. Someone makes a black joke, "Shhhh... Hey man, there's a black guy right there. He is gonna beat our ass, and start a march and some crap. Shut the hell up." Asian jokes -- no one cares. I go to comedy shows every night. I'm standing in the back waiting. The comedian would go on. The comedian makes an Asian joke. What does the whole crowd do? They start laughing right at my face, "Ha ha ha. He's talking about you, and you do have a small wee wee. ha ha ha."

I don't like that, "ohhhhh."

You guys here that story about Jeremy Lin -- the chink in the Armour fiasco on Espn.com a few months ago? right? you guys remember that? For you guys that don't know, Jeremy Lin plays basketball for the New York Knicks, and he's Asian american dude. Did you just boo -- The Knicks or him being an Asian american? "Boo I am racist. I don't care about basketball." Alright, that's cool. So he is a basketball player. Anyways, so there was a headline. They put a picture of him after the knicks lost the game. And they wrote the headline, "Chink in the Armour." A lot of Asians were pissed off because that's racist. Now, if you watch basketball a lot, they used that phrase pretty commonly. So it's a gray area whether they are intentionally try to be racist or not. Because first of all, let's be honest. Espn is owned by Disney. It's very PC organization. I don't think anybody over there is that racist. They are like, "I'm not gonna get fired for over this crap. Watch this... ha ha ha." Like you gotta know you are gonna get fired if you do that, right? But I understand, it made a lot of people mad. That's cool. Take it down, ok.

But lot of my Asian friends, are like, "Nah man. You are not able allow to say that phrase in public because it might make asian feel uncomfortable because it's racist." But I'm like, "Yeah, the phrase isn't inherently racist." They be like, "You can't say it at all." I'm like, "Ok, so that's what you want to do? Just like. Ok. fine." Don't say Chink in the Armour in front of Asian people. Don't say spill the bean in front of Mexican people. Don't say that's a cheap shot in front of Jewish people. Don't say raise the roof in front of homeless people. Don't say look at the horse's mouth in front of Jessica Sarah Parker. Don't say It's not over until the fat lady sings in front of Adele. Don't do these things.

RTCA Dinner for President Obama and Vice President Biden with Guest Comedian Joe Wong on C-SPAN

Good everyone, My name is Joe Wong. But to most people, I am known as Hu, which is my mom's maiden name. And it's the answer to my credit card security question. But joking aside, I just want to reassure everybody that I am invited here tonight. I grew up in China. Who didn't. My childhood memory is totally ruined by my childhood. When I was in elementary school, as part of the curriculum, I had to work in a rice patty, right next to a quarry, where they use explosives to break rocks. And that is where I learned that light travels faster than sound, which is as slow as a flying rock. My dad was a grumpy guy, but occasionally tries to cheer me up with jokes, but he doesn't do it right. When I was 7, one thing he said to me, "Hey son, why is tofu better than centralized socialistic economy?" So 5 minutes later, I asked, "why?" He said, "Because I said so."

I came to the united states when I was 24 to study at Rice University of Texas. That wasn't a joke -- until now. I was driving a car with lots of bumper stickers that was impossible to peel off. And one of them said, "If you don't speak English, go home." And I didn't notice for 2 years. And like other immigrants, we want our son to become president of this country. And we are trying to make our son bilingual. English in public and Chinese at home -- which is tough to do. Many times I have to say to him in public, "Hey listen, if you don't speak English, go home." He would say to me, "Hey dad, why do i have to learn two languages?" I said, "Son, once you become president of the united states, you would have to sign legislative bills in English, and talk to debt collectors in Chinese."

When I graduated from Rice, I decided to stay in the united states. Because in China, I can't do what I do best here -- being ethnic. And in order for me become a US citizen, I had to take this american history lesson, where they ask us questions. Like, "Who is Benjamin Franklin?" I'm like, "Uhh... The reason our convenient store gets robbed."

"What's the second amendment?"

We're like, "uh... the reason our convenient store gets robbed."

"What is Roe vs Wade?"

We're like, "uh... 2 ways to come to United states."

I read so much about american history that harbor wide skills. And in america, they say all men are created equal. But after birth, it kind of depends on the parents income, education, and healthcare. I read in Health Magazine that President Obama every 2 weeks have 4 cardio days and 2 weight lifting days. You see I don't have to exercise because I have health insurance.

I live in Massachusetts now where we have universal healthcare. Then we elected Scott Brown -- Talk about mixed messages. I think there was a movie about him. It's called kill bill.

I'm honored to meet vice president Joe Biden here tonight. I actually read all your autobiography. And today I see you. I think the book is much better.

To be honest, I am really honored to be here tonight, and uh... Prepared for months for tonight show. And I showed the white house my jokes about president Obama. And that is when, he decided not to come. We actually talked about immigration reforms. Take that Stephen Colbert. And president Obama has been known for being so soft, but he was conducting two wars. And they still gave him the Nobel peace prize. And he accepted it. You can't be more bad ass than that. Well, actually, the only way he can be more bad ass than that if he took the Nobel peace prize money and gave it to the military.

We have many distinguish journalist tonight, who i considered as my peers because I use to write on campus newspaper. I think journalism is the last refuge for puns. Only in the newspaper you can say things like, "I was born in the year of the horse. And that is why I am a nay sayer." -- My point exactly.

And tonight is my first time on c-span, which is the channel I love to watch -- when I could not stand the sensationalism and documentary of pbs and qvc. If I could not still fall asleep after c-span, there is c-span2 and c-span3. Thank you very much.

So I became a US citizen in 2008, which I am happy about. Thank you very much. America is number 1. That's true because we won the world series every year. After becoming a US citizen, I immediately registered to vote for Obama and Biden. Your welcome. You had me at, "Yes We can." That was their slogan. So after getting Obama and Biden elected, I felt this power trip. And I started to think, "Maybe I should run for president myself." Well, I have to take a step back and explain a little bit. I had always been a rose and pessimistic guy. I felt that life is kind of like pee in the snow in the dark winter night. You probably made a difference, but it's really hard to tell.

But now we have a president, who is half black half white, it just gives me a lot of hope -- because I'm half not black, not half white. Two negatives make a positive. What would be your campaign slogan? You see I spent 10 years in the past decade. Oh you too, okay. So I understand that american people are suffering. So my campaign slogan, "Hu Cares." If elected, I would make same sex marriage, not only legal, but required. That would get me the youth vote. You see I'm married now. I used to be scared of marriage. I was like, "wow. 50 percent of all marriages end up lasting forever." And I will eliminate unemployment in this country by reducing the productivity of the american workforce, so 2 people have to do the work of 1 -- just like the president and vice president -- or like the Olsen twins.

Joe Wong Driver License Organ Donor, Afraid of Bear, and Ugly Baby on Ellen

Hi everybody, so uh... I'm Irish. When I first got my driver's license, I decided to be an organ donor. And give my brain. Because it makes me happy to think that some guy wakes up from a coma, and goes, "Wassa Michelle Yahm. Whor Sheeur Shay La."

So I went to the amusement park a couple of years ago, and towards the end it's a scary ride. They took a picture of me screaming like this... And they try to sell it to me. So I bought the picture. And I put it on my driver's license -- Just to keep it real.

I have a friend. His name is Wie Di. And recently he said to me, "Hey Joe, Let's go to Canada to see some bears."

"Uhm. I'm kind of afraid of bears."

Then he said to me, "Hey Joe, you got to remember. The bears are more afraid of you, then you are with them."

I was like, "Well, I'm pretty sure that the bears are wrong."

And on top of that, I don't want to go near any bears with some guy whose name is Wie Die.

I was watching TV late one night. And uh they have this thing called the emergency broadcast testing on. I was like, "What if this was really an emergency? And I was asleep?" They should let us know when it's on, so I can tivo it.

I came into this country in the mid 90s. I watch lots of TV shows like the Jerry Springer's Show. And uh the funny thing is that, at the time, when i was really new to this country, I thought the people on the show were normal average Americans. It seems I was right.

A lot of bad economic news this year -- were you guys worried about the economy? I'm not. Cause I grew up poor, if i become poor again, I just feel young.

We have a two and half year old now. And uh... here's the thing. I came from a long island people that have kids. Oh you too, ok. But still, it's amazing. My son is really cute now. When he was first born, he was ugly. And I was not prepared for it. I was looking at him in the delivery room. And uh... tried to remember some of my ugly relatives, and to decide exactly who pass the ugly gene to my son, you know. And the doctor came in, and was like, "Congratulations! He looks just like you."

Funny Jim Gaffigan on Seafood Lobster Crabs Oysters Clams Octopus and Snots Obsession in Boston

It's good to be here in Boston. This is... Boston is a tough city. Right? It's like, "Boston! Boston. Boston." I love the Boston energy. And you guys... All of Boston... You guys love your seafood, and it's just disgusting. "Lobster. Lobster..."

I was vacationing in cape-cod cause i'm white. And I was at this seafood restaurant, right? And this guy came over to our table. And it wasn't even our waiter. He came up to us, "Ah you not even eating Lobster. Is there a reason why you are not eating Lobster?" I was like, "Uh, I thought I ordered what I want. I was not really in the mood for bug meat." Cause that's what shell fish are... They are just creepy, crawly giant insects at the bottom of the ocean. You know fish are swimming are like, "We gonna get an exterminator up in this space." They're bugs. They have a shell like a bug. They have spindle legs and crawl around like a bug. They have an antenna like a monster. They're probably monsters. Like if you went home and you saw a chicken in the house, you'll be like, "What the hell a chicken doing in my house." But if you saw a lobster, you'll be like, "We'll moving." Cause there's not a nickel worth of different between a lobster and a giant scorpion. Yeah, I understand everyone loves lobsters, "I love lobsters." Hey, I like butter too, ok? "How can I eat three sticks of butter. Oh, I found this giant swimming sea scorpion." It's just a spoonful of butter that helps the bug meat go down -- in the most delightful way.

Lobster tail? "Is that the area near the butt? Mmm... Yummy... That's what I want -- a little bun turd butt. Yum. Yum. Yum." How about those restaurants that you have to pick out your own lobsters. You're like, "I guess I'll take that one that's really struggling with the rubber-bands. He sees appealing. Why don't we boiling him to death."

Why am I involved with this decision?

But in the northeast, it's all shellfish -- Maryland with the crab. Isn't it a red flag that you need a hammer to eat a red crab. "Oh, you are having a crab? Let me get you some tools, so you can crack open that bug shell, and get that half a bite of bug meat." Crab -- it's too much work. It's like the pistachio of seafood. And there's that nasty part that you are not suppose to eat. I think it's called, "all of it. Cause there crabs as in they're sexually transmitted disease. That has the same name cause it exact same thing." They're just the baby version of the dinner crab. You know gods up in heaven going, "What I gotta do to stop them from eating the crabs. I gave it a rock hard shell. I put it at the bottom of the ocean. I named a disease after it. Jesus, you would have to go back down there." I don't even know how people order crabs with a straight face. "You know. My wife and I... You know I'll get crab, and I'll give her some. Don't tell her. I want it to be a surprise." Even crab as a creature is creepy. It looks like it's trying to avoid an awkward situation. "Oh I owe that guy money, crap."

Clams and oysters? How do we even start eating those? "Hey I found a rock with a snot in it. I was think of eating it." Go ahead. "Alright." What does it taste like? "Anemone." Oyster in a half shell? As suppose to what? Kleenex? Even the was you suppose to eat an oyster, "Just squeeze some lemon. Put a little hot sauce. Throw it back of your throat. Then take a shot of vodka. They try to forget snot rock." That's not how you eat something. That's how you overdose on sleeping pills. "Pearls come from Oyster." Yeah, I try not to eat things that also makes jewelry. Oysters are an aphrodisiac? Why would we ever believe that. "Why don't you and I grab some snots from rock? See what happens... We might end up in my place or the emergency room?"

Clam chowder -- "How can we sell more clams? Why don't we put in a soup that looks like vomit." He went to far... Let's kill him.

But most seafood gives me the willy, like anchovy. What exactly the difference between an anchovy and a sweaty eyebrow. Cause every time I see an anchovy, I go, "Someone has attacked Tom Sellick. Why would you put that in a salad?" Squid is more like a swimming sea spider. "But I like calamari." You can deep fry a rubber hose, and it would taste good. "Hey, a little cocktail sauce. It is good hose."

Octopus? really?! Octo meaning 8. Pus meaning "Really?" Yes pus part is my favorite. The suction cups reminds me we need new bathroom mats.

Funny Abortion Idea for America by Ted Alexandro Comedian

War is difficult. Come on. I'm not making light of war. War is difficult. War is difficult because we send people that we care about -- people that we love. Which is why we should ban abortion, and then raise those babies as our military. Right? Nobody gives a crap about them. We send them over. 20 years later, they get a telegram. "You remember the abortion you wanted? Done."

God Bless America. Beep Beep. Beep. Beep. Flute. Drums. Sound of liberty.

I realized that joke is not for everyone. Just think of it like the specials. You don't have to order the specials, but you do have to hear them. "Shalin and Seabass? No thank you. I'll just get the burger."

Funny Jo Koy Drives Lexus into Highway 5 During Mexican Latino Protest

Ha ha ha. Yay for me. This is great. I love this crap. We are having fun -- Latinos. You are a scary looking one too dude. I'm not going to freak with you alright. We are here to do laugh-ti-do. That crap made first -- the Latinos, the Mexicans. You guys walked out of the border crap. And million of you freakers walked out. That crap brought tears to my eyes. That crap is something to be proud of because the traffic was empty -- that day. Son of a beach -- I was going 85 on the 5 freeway, 5 in the afternoon -- freakin protest again. Gawd damn it. Here's the thing. If I got into accident, the guy I hit; I knew he had insurance. Just joking freaker. You got to tell him because there freakers pretend to laugh, "Ha ha ha. Real funny Freaker. I have no insurance. I get it. I get it freaker. I get it." At the end of the show, " Mr. Funny freaker."

They make fun of us all the time when it comes to driving. Asians? Where are all the freakin Asians? Right? They freak with us all the time. Can't drive? We can freakin drive. I drove here. I didn't hit a bunch of freakin people on the way here, "Oh Shuu. Oh Shuu." Crap we build the best cars. You don't think we can freakin drive them? You think the engineer at Lexus is bragging about what he built, "Oh yeah. Power Steering Wheel. Zero to 60 in 4.9 seconds."

"Won't you take it for a spin."

"Oh, no, no. Are you crazy?!"

So I'm just joking dude, alright. We are just freaking around. We are all having fun. Plus, I can't fight. So don't start crap with me. I can't fight. I'm a beach, dude. I'm such a beach dood. I can't fight man. Dude, check it out. If you don't know how to fight, don't take self defense classes, or buy a gun -- Just Scream. Scream at the top of your lungs -- who is going to fight a guy, screaming like a beach. You know what I mean. Right before he is about to punch you go, "No. Nooooo. Noooooooooo." Then pee. I always pee.

Dude, I'm such a beach. When I walk to my car, I put my key into my fist. "Give me your car."

"No."

John Pinette World Buffet Outbreak on Las Vegas Wizard of OZ buffet, Chinese Buffet, and Japanese Buffet

Well, it's a pleasure to be here because I was just in Las Vegas, so I need the money. I lost a lot of money. I really did. I mean. I get them back in the buffet. Don't get me wrong. $9.95 all you can eat -- well, let's see who win this freaking hand out. Won't we. I do believe I have blackjack. I was at the prime rib counter, going hit me again. The buffet manager was horrified. You should have seen him. He looks like a dear caught in a headlights, "Get the prime ribs back in the kitchen." He finally gave me my money back, "Here's your thousand. Get out!"

Actually they have a buffet in Las Vegas. It's called the OZ buffet. It's the wizard of oz theme. And it's a buffet. You walk up, and it's the emerald city. It's an all you can eat buffet. I ran to it, "we're out of the woods. we're out of the light. Prime ribs, and Pork chops. Scampi. Oh my. Prime ribs, and pork-chops, scampi oh my."

You know I talk buffets, not because I'm a big guy. I'm actually writing a book -- around the world in 80 buffets. And in my research, I found that some foods that shouldn't be all you can eat -- like Chinese food. Chinese food should not because you get hungry again. I don't know what it is. They put something in it. They must. Because I ordered take out and they are always real happy, "Oh, he's going to be back. I give that big boy 1 hour." Because you do get hungry again. What is it. You go to full to starving. There's nothing in between. You go to, "Oh my gosh. I can't believe I ate all that chow mien... Hey look they brought egg-rolls."

So I went to this Chinese all you can eat buffet. Mother of all -- He got pissed. I mean... He was rude. He comes out every hour, "Son of a bitch still here. Look he go again." He started to scream at me, "You go now! You here four hours. Why you here 4 hours. You not come here anymore. Why you have spare ribs? You so big. Eat vegetables. Eat broccoli. Your scare my wife."

I love Chinese food. It shouldn't be all you can eat. Now Japanese food -- for the all you can eat sushi place -- mmm... All the raw stuff I can eat, huh? It was $22.95 -- $22.95 for raw fish?! $22.95 you can throw this on a grill. $22.95 I can't even get a dollar worth. I brought a seal. I put him right under the table. "Arg, Arg. Another plate please." That seal ate buckets full. The owner thought I was eating it all though. I got yelled at again. This guy scared me though. He reminded me of lord Margarito from shogun. "Hey you. Big Boy. Big Boy. Come here. Eat you like free." It's, "You eat like free willy."

John Pinette Understands Vegetarians, but NOT Vegans eating Almonds

So now I shop at these health food stores when I'm on the road. And there's some healthy things that I like. Some people over there have boundaries issues. They walk up to me, and one lady said to me, "Do you like your beef cruelty free?"

"Oh yah. I would have it no other way. Take that cow to Disney world. Put them on the rides. Give them mickey ears -- couple of pictures. Then whack them all they way into the airport. Didn't you like taking your pictures with mickey. Put it right into your huff. Alright don't turn around."

Vegetarians -- I completely understand. You have health issues with it. You have ethical issues. I completely understand. Some... A vegetarian said to me, "But I'm a vegan."

"Oh what is that. What is that?!"

"Well, we don't eat meat or dairy."

"What do you do?!"

"I'll tell you what to do. They lose their minds."

Vegans go to the store, and they buy 50 pounds bag of almonds. And they make them into stuff that they wish they could eat. They don't have a stove. They have a play dough fun factory.

"what's you making there?"

"It's a pork roast."

"No, it's not! It's almonds mushed together. Have a cheese burger!"

Bill Burr tells Conan He Hates Superbowl Commercials, Superbowl Parties, Superbowl Halftime

No superbowl parties. If you are a true football fan, you do not go to a superbowl parties because it's a bunch of losers who don't watch it all year. Then what they do is they talk during the game. Then they shutup during the commercials. And then the game comes back on, "How much do you think that one cost? Oh, that's funny. I thought that one stunk." It's like the rage that goes through me -- through the game. I just end up fighting. You know -- with somebody.

What I do is I tape the game. I let it go for 90 minutes. For 90 minutes, I shut off everything. Then I start watching. Then that way I can fast forward through all the crap, all the fireworks, the band...

No, no. I love Bruno Mars. I'd rather go to his concert. I don't need to... And they keep on talking about the weather like that's going to be a problem. It's going to be for the band. They are going to have the hardest time, not the players. The players will be fine. It's the band. They have to sing in that weather. Flea never wears a shirt. Alright. Those are the guys... Everybody else will be fine.

Yeah, I don't like it. It's the most important game of the year. And they turned it into this... I don't know what it is. I don't know what it is anymore. It used to be a little high school band that came out -- played their little song. Then that was it. Now, they are shooting tshirts into the crowd.

Louis CK tries Vape Vaporizor and Text Texting at the same time -- Say No to Weed Drugs

Having children is a big responsibility, and I have never done very well at it. I made a lot of mistakes -- Some of them big, some of them small. You know. Like... I am still a person. I am an idiot. You know. I'm still like... I got high one night -- really high because I don't do drugs. I never do drugs -- never. So when I do, they are way more fun. To me that is my best advice. If you really want to enjoy drugs, never do them -- never. Because when you do, they are actually fun. Cause when drugs are part of your life, it's just another pain in the ass in your life. It's just, "Ahh, all my drugs suck." I don't want to have that problem. I always want to be that person where it's a new thing. Somebody is like, "Hey do you want to try this." I'm like, "Oh, ah, I don't know if I should. This is crazy. I don't even know how to do it. I mean what is this."

Anyways I got... My friends got this vape. I'm little worried about the young people with the vaping. Then they just do this. And then they just vape. And then they just stand at the corner, puffing. Looking at the freakin thing. And I miss the... I miss you. I miss you people because you used to stand around like this. And I get to go, "Ewww, freak that one. That one was ok." But now, I'm just seeing the top of people's head now. But I didn't realized... my friend... My younger friend vapes. She told me, "It's just to calm. I can barely feel it. It helps go to sleep." So one night I was hanging out, "I am going to go home, and go to sleep. Maybe I'll try it." So I took one tiny hit. I was insane. I was completely insane. I was in my house. I couldn't even walk pass the window. I had to go under the window because I was afraid to look inside of my own brain.

So I start texting people. Just texting. Texting, "I'm so high. I'm so freaking high. I'm so high." And i text another friend, "I'm so high. I wan to suck my pot jeez on my won crock, and get higher." That's what I wrote. I'm not bragging. I'm just telling. That's what I wrote. And I sent it, "whoosh." And then later. I looked at my text. I was like, "I think I might of sent that to my 12 year old daughter. I think it's possible." I didn't, but I could too easily could of. We need... Now my kids are in my phone. There needs to be a reliable firewall that says these numbers are much harder to text. You can't just, "whoops." Traumatized her irreversibly. You go to write to these numbers I have to solve the hell raiser puzzle. And there's two guys with the key at the opposite room that turns at the same moment. And there's a warning, "Wahoo. Are you sure?! You want to send this picture of your pubic hair to your ex wife's mother. That's how you want to break the silence of six years since the divorce. "This is my pubic hair. How have you been?"

Ben Bailey Rants About Google Predicting Our Future

Do you know what else has pissing me off lately -- Google. Do you guys know google? A couple of people might have heard of it. Rest of you guys are like, "Google?! What's google?!"

Google it, and find out. That's the only way to learn anything anymore -- Google it. Well, that was fine at first because things were simple. It was like Google was my friend. I would be like, "Hey, Google. What do you know about this?" Google would be like, "Well then, here is what I got for you." Things were simple then. Google was my friend.

But somewhere along the lines. Things change. And google turned into that annoying friend who would never let you finish the story because it keeps on interrupting you -- trying to guess the ending before you can get to it. Right, now I sit down. I type the letter p. And google is like, "Pacific ocean?! Is it pacific ocean?! Is it?! Is it pacifier?! Is it pack rat?! Is it peanuts?! Is it piss-bag?! What is it?! I need to know! Right now! Tell me what it is! I can't wait anymore!"

Ryan Hamilton describes Tinder App Dating on Late Late Show with Drew Carey

I'm from Idaho. And uh I look like where I am from. Don't I. You don't look at me right away, and go, "That guy is from Idaho, but when I said it out loud. It makes sense." I live in New York City Now. It's a great city. There's a little attitude. I mean. New Yorkers say stuff like uh, "If you can make it here, you can make it anywhere." -- The audacity of that statement. I mean the assumption that you have to jump to, right? I'm from a town of a thousand people in Idaho. And I don't think New Yorkers could make it there. "What happened?"

"I don't know. He wandered off looking for gluten free cupcakes and uh... 3 days later. We found a body. Turns out he can't make it here."

Maybe New York City is the easiest place to make it. You are going to get lost. Sure. You can pop out of the subway, and go, "Oh the street has numbers. I see six delis. I think I'm gonna make it. I made it."

A lot of people in New York city -- It's difficult to meet someone. People can meet on the internet now. You know. Nobody wants to talk about it. It's very taboo. There are people now looking straight ahead going, "Please drop this topic." But you know I know solid couples meet on the internet. If you ask them, "how did you meet." This is what happens. Women goes, "We met on the internet. Like they are a little quicker to get there. Then the men say, "Please stop telling people that." Now I think because the attitude is different. When women get on the internet to find someone, I feel the attitude is "I'm just exploring my options." When a man gets on the internet to find someone, do you know what the attitude is? "I have exhausted all my options. There is nowhere else to go. Let's search the universe because that's all it's left. It's just a hail Mary pass into the ether, "Someone please catch that." I don't know.

But all my friends now are on this location based dating apps like tindr. Do you know that. We all have a device that just constantly broadcast our location. So here is what dating has become in the modern world, "Who is right here right now." Right? It's like we're hunting a fugitive on the run or something you know, "7 to 10 miles perimeter. Close all the roads. She has a 5 miles head start. Move. Move. Move." It's like who are you interested in? Everyone within a hundred yard radius, basically. Uhm.

I'm not really into long distance relationships. You know. It's just nothing substantial about it to me. Yeah, it's real people -- yes with feelings and emotions. But through your life so quickly. It's like, "No. No. No." Who are you? What kind of power do you think you wheeled? Are you a sixteenth century king, you know. "No. No. No. Not good enough. Off with her head. Next. Next. Maybe. No." That's who we'd become. You know.

I don't know how people feel anymore. I want to know how people feel -- constantly guessing. We all have this ability to interpret expressions. There's nuance. You just send out a smiley face, and go, "That should cover it." Little salsa dancing girl -- I think I made my point. You know. Every time I send out a smiley face, there's a voice behind my head that goes, "You're not the man anymore. I thought you were a man." I sent a smiley face to another man. I hate myself for 10 days. I get a smiley face back from that man -- I collapse. I don't know what to do. Right?

We ruined exclamation points. There finished. People send to many -- 4, 6, 8 exclamation points. It's not unheard of. Everybody. 1 means excitement. It's not a scale. It's just one. If I send one exclamation point, people gonna go, "Is this sarcasm? I don't know what this is." Little things that have too much meaning. Right? A period in the wrong place -- It ruins my day. You know. "You want to go to dinner?" No period. Ouch. I get it. I get it. We are not going to dinner. Let me say. Your period is unnecessary and hurting my feelings. I don't need it in my life. There's enough finality in no. I don't need it.

Jay Larson On Conan about Prank Phone Call in New York

I have a question. Your cellphone rings. You don't recognize the number. What do you do? Ignore it. Don't answer it. Not me. I like life.

The other day my cellphone rings 917. It's a New York number. I don't know who it was. I picked it up anyways. Hit talk, and said, "Hello." The guy goes, "Hey Bruce, what's going on?" My name is Jay, not Bruce. So I said, "Nothing much man. What's going on with you?" And he said, "I'll tell you what's going on. I just got an email about the budget. It's suppose to be 15,000. Now, it's 10,000. And I would like to know what's up." I got excited in my chest.

I grabbed the steering wheel. Ok, focus. Your name is Bruce. There's a budget. It was at 15,000. Now, it's 10,000. No one is happy about it. That's all we know.

So I just repeat what he said to me, "10,000? It's suppose to be 15,000."

He goes, "Yeah, I know. I just got an email, and now it's 10."

I said, "Listen man, I don't know what to tell you. I have been on the road all day. I have not even seen it."

And he goes, "Did you send this out?!" -- giving some attitude to Bruce.

I didn't like it. I said, "I listen man. The budget was 15,000. We are a couple of expenditures. It went to 16 2. I reworked it. Got it down to 14 7. I had 300 to play with. I call the 15, and I sent it out."

And he goes, "Yah, well now it's 10 man."

I was like, "Oh my god. That worked. That worked. Phase 1 complete." Now, I'm in the door. I have a 401K. I was at the Christmas Party.

So he goes, "Did Larry Ok this?"

I go, "Listen man. I took the budget to Larry. Larry said it looked fine, but I knew it was my ass on the line. So I ran it by Jennifer. Just in case. Just to double check. Jennifer said it looked good. I sent it out."

He goes, "Yeah, now it's 10 man."

And I realized this guys does not know what' going on over there. He hasn't talked to Larry. And know he hasn't talked to Bruce because he doesn't even recognized my voice. I know he hasn't talk to Jennifer. I just made her up.

So he goes, "Listen man. What are you going to do about this?"

And I go, "Listen. I'm on the road right now. I have not even seen the email. Why don't you give Larry a call. Check it with him, and see what he says, and call me back." Just praying he will. Cause that return phone call would be amazing.