Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Bruce Lee is dynamite in the Dojo by Eddie Griffin

That Bruce Lee is a bad mo-fo. Five foot seven, 140 pounds -- dynamite. You understand me. That mo-fo in the movie walks in the dojo -- 300 mo-fo. Bruce walks in, and I love his walk. He had this walk... Oh he was a chigga, a Chinese iggy. That little mo-fo has some little chocolate in him.

"We can fight one at a time or all together."

If you sit in that dojo, you gotta ask yourself two questions. Either he got a bomb oh his ass or he is really a bad mo-fo. Neither one of them are good.

If I was in that set, I would be like, "hey, hey, hold up. They got black belt. My crap is orange. You're the teacher, teach. Now if you whoop his ass, then I will take your class."

Wednesday, June 3, 2015

Jo Koy Loses his Keys While His Mom Makes Fun Of Joseph

When I lost something, I lost it. My mom will never help me find crap, right? Normal parents help their freakin kids, right? Normal parents help, right? "Okay, did you lose something? Your keys? Was it in here? What jeans? Were you wearing jeans? Well, let's look for those jeans." That's how you freaking help your kids find crap. Not my mom.

When I lost something, I guarantee my mom is right behind me messing with me. She enjoys that kind of stuff. If I'm looking under the coach, I guarantee my mom is right behind me, "Oh, what? what? What's under the coach? What's under the coach Joseph? Is it your keys? Did you lose your keys again? Oh, maybe they walked under the coach like that..." Now I gotta ask my mom for help. That's the worst mistake I can make.

"Mom, I'm late for work. Do you know where my keys are?"

"Joseph, did you just ask me where's your keys are? Isn't that a stupid question? That is a stupid question Joseph. Excuse me person that does not drive my car, do you know where my keys are? That is stupid Joseph. Why don't you ask me where's my keys are? I know the answer to that. Go ahead Joseph. Ask me. Come on. Ask me right now."

"Mom, do you know where your keys are?"

"Of course I do. Of course I do Joseph. I know where my keys are all the time. You know why Joseph? Because I put it in the same place like I always put my keys. I hang them over here on this wooden plaque. That says keys. Joseph, when you lose something, do you use your eyes to look for it or do you use your mouth? Because every time you lose something Joseph, you use your mouth to find something. You can't find anything like that Joseph. You just walking around, "Has anybody seen my keys? I don't know where my keys are." Open your eyes. Look for it.

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Martin Lawrence takes survey on who believes in Prenuptial Prenup

Let me ask you a question. Do you believe in prenuptial? 1, 2, 3, and lady right there -- ok. Wow, you all believe in that. Oh uh, who don't believe it that? Whow. Over ruled. Pop. Over ruled.

I see you. I see don't believe it that. Well, that's cool cause believe in love, and let it be. You will roll with that, and let the heart take over. Then see what happens. That's a beautiful thing. That's a beautiful thing.

Let me ask you something -- hypothetically speaking. Uh mmm... Let's say uh... We were getting married -- some crap. This is hypothetical, right? And coming into the marriage, I got uh... 400 hundred million. And that's what I am coming in here with... And uh... you coming in with a bag. Do you still think you should get some of that 400 hundred mill?

Monday, June 1, 2015

Shia LaBeouf how he got Arrested in cabaret burlesque

How does one get arrested from a cabaret?

So I land in New York, coming back from Ireland, visiting my girl. And in Ireland, like you go to Rome, you have spaghetti. You know. When you go to Ireland, you drink whiskey. So I have been drinking a lot of whiskey in Ireland. I come back, and land, and it's the world cup. And you drink a lot of whiskey during the world cup. So I sitting at a bar. I'm drinking a lot of whiskey, and watching the world cup, South Korea vs Lithuania. I really cared at this point. I'm drunk enough to really care. So I'm all Lithuanian. And I go outside to have a cigarette, and there's this homeless man. I'm here with this homeless marine. And I start talking to him. Start to get into a conversation. And a woman runs up start taking pictures of me with her cellphone. And it trips him out. I can't really calm him down, so he starts running down the road after 30 minutes of conversation. So I start running after him. I'm trying to calm a homeless man in middle of time square. And he doesn't want anything to do with me. But I'm not giving up. I chase him for a while. He's gone.

I turn around to the bar to pay my bill. Then I see this dude come towards me. He says, "hey Shia, i'm a big fan. what are you doing tonight?" I'm like, "I'm looking to turn it up a bit. You know. I'm trying to have a good night here. Done with this Lithuanian thing. What's going on?" And he says, "Well, why don't you come to my show? we have cabaret." I was like, "Cabaret, yeah. I love cabaret. Cabaret is exactly what I want to do." so he gives me a ticket.

And the cabaret is a block away from my bar. Now the drink is starting to kick in. I'm good and drunk at this point. I make it into the theater. What i know of Broadway is this kind of setup. And this show, it had many tables.

Comedian John Mulaney chases Lady in Queens Long Island by mistake

I live here for a while now, and there is a new thing where like late at night on the street where women see me as a threat. That is funny. Yeah. It's kind of flattering on it's on way, but at the same time it's weird because I'm still afraid of being kidnapped.

But I give here a best example of this. A couple of months ago, I'm at a subway station in Long Island city Queens. Oh yeah. Do go if you get the chance, a beautiful place. I'm changing between subway trains, and it's 2 o clock in the morning. And you have to walk down this long corridor in order to change trains, 2 o clock in the morning. It's just me and this woman. And she is walking a few yards ahead of me. And we're walking down. And she starts giving this like, "the over the shoulder." Like that. And then she starts picking up the pace. She starts to walk a lot faster.

So I think, "Oh, she must here the train coming." You know. Or she feels it in her feet like a native american in the movies. So I start to sprint down the hallway at her. And she looks back, and was like, "ahhhh." Then she gets chased. So we're sprinting down the corridor at 2 o clock in the morning. And I'm gaining on her. I'm gaining on her, and we're at the end of the hallway. And she goes into that dead end shuffle. You know. What women do when you chase them.

And I'm almost there. I'm almost at her. Then it dawns on me, "Oh she's running away from me." Because in her eyes, I'm an adult. And adults rape each other -- kind of a lot. So I want to go up her, and be like, "whow. no. no. no. no. I'm not like a, a, a... like a man." I'm just a stupid punk.