Thursday, December 31, 2015

Drew Thomas Learns the Importance of Fractions when Buying Weed

White people, you got good weed. I commend you because you use discretion. You get your weed from somebody called the guy. I don't know who is this guy is... You can ask any white dude anywhere. "Where did you get your weed from?"

"I get it from this guy. I see him on Tuesdays. Do you want me to pick you up something."

That's all you get.

I ask a brother, "Hey dawg, where you get your weed from?"

"From my cousin, he's at the holiday inn, right down the street. Won't you call him from your cell phone, so you can lock the number in."

Then they wonder why they get caught. It's 2 o clock in the morning, and your car is orange. That's why you got caught. You need a guy.

I had to go back to learn fractions just to buy weed from white people. I didn't know nothing about 8ths or quarters or nothing like that. Nobody told me that the bottom number was bigger that you get less. I had to rush down to home depot to get one of them rulers with the lines on them. The guy was like, "What you use them for?"

"I'm buying an eighth from a white guy. What's the eighth? Is that the line next to the quarter? Because I don't want to get ripped off. I want the right length."

I'm on the phone, telling my friends, "Don't worry about it. I got 2164th coming. We just put one in the freezer. This should last us till christmas."

Wednesday, December 30, 2015

Bill Murray Ghost Buster Rants on Technology and R2D2 should Get Gas for Human Race

Who think of all these high tech stuff anyways? You know. First they start with a digital watches, which tells you the time and numbers, to the exact seconds. 2:30 and 32 seconds. Who needs to know that? I don't. How come they don't have hands on the watches like they used to. People have hands. I think watches should have hands. Somebody is thinking this stuff up. I don't think it's good.

Another thing they got is robots. Robots are making all these automobiles -- and working at factory and stuff. Don't get me wrong. R2-D2 is a great little guy. He was funny. He was cute. He was a funny and fine actor, but that's science fiction. That's for the movie. I don't like to be driving in a car that is put together by a robot. I wouldn't feel... I don't think it's smart. I don't think it's funny. Who is thinking up these stuff? Who is thinking up of all these high tech stuff.

I saw an ad the other day for a car with a talking dashboard. If something goes wrong, the dashboard talks to you what's wrong. That would drive me nuts. You driving around, running out of gas. And the dash goes, "Oh bill, you are out of gas." I would put my foot right through that dash board. That dashboard would shut up. It's dumb. Who the hell is thinking up this stuff.

You know what they should do... They should get a robot so we can drive around with in the car. Then you run out of gas. Then you pull this little sucker out of the car, and you send him to go get gas. Now that's smart. And I think of these stuff on top of my head. But you know something, they will never do it because it makes too much sense.

Monday, December 21, 2015

Steve Harvey Yells Yolanda Adams is Sexy because of Victoria Secret's Xmas Sale

I have been hosting the gospel festival for four years now. I have been around. Sometimes you guys are trips on me. Sometimes you guys will go left on me. You know. I'm just being a man. And sometimes you guys get that attitude. And then throw me off a little bit. I tell you what I am talking about. I was hosting gospel celebration last year. Yolanda Adams was on this show.

Now we go to a commercial break. And when I came out of commercial, we are going to go to Yolanda Adams. So they set her in her spot on stage. They move me up stairs to do an introduction, up stairs. During the commercial break, Yolanda was standing there. She is an elegant woman. She had on a nice gown and everything. And it was the light, behind her. And it was just shining. You know. Just right. And I saw that.

I have forgotten I was at the gospel celebration. And I had the mic in my hand. All I said was, "whooo aweeee. Wow. Yolanda sure is sexy." See right there. Just like some of you just did. "ooooo." See right there. All I said, "Yolanda Adams was sexy." Look, I'm a grown man. I ain't on the down low or none of that. I'm a grown man. I saw her, and to me... she looks sexy. And that is all I said. She looks sexy.

You all trippin with me like Christian ain't sexy. Let me ask you all something. If Christian ain't sexy, where all those little christian come from? Somebody is doing something sexy back at the house. You can't tell me Christian ain't sexy.

It's megafest tonight. It's friday night. There is a christian women somewhere in the mall at a Victoria Secret right now, looking at the panty on the table. It's 3 for $20 dollars. I'm in there all the time. 3 for 20 dollars at Victoria Secret.

Friday, December 18, 2015

Bill Burr describes the most difficult Job for a mother is Actually an Easy Job

We were watching the other day. Oprah was on there. She was interviewing some tramp. You know. She is giving this big ridiculous intro like, "She done this. She done that. She done this. And she does the most difficult job on the planet -- she is a mother." Then she continues on.

Immediately I just look at my girlfriend. Like really? Being a mother is the most difficult job on the planet? Oh yeah, all those mothers died every year from black lungs, inhaling all that coal dust.

Women are constantly patting themselves on the back about how difficult their lives are. And nobody corrects them because they want to make love. Yeah, that is what it is. So there is this tornado misinformation, "I have the most difficult job on the planet."

What would you rather be doing -- Drilling the center of the earth, shaking hands with the devil? Every time there is a rumble ground, you wait for the whole thing to collapse down on top of you, so they can write that folks song about you. Or would you rather be up in the sunshine, running around with a couple of toddlers that you can send to bed anytime you want. I couldn't believe it.

"It's the most difficult job on the planet." Oh yeah, I thought roofing in the middle of July. I thought that was difficult. But these mothers are bending over to the waist, putting dvds in the dvd players. I don't know how they do it. I don't know how they do it. Dude, any job that you can do in your pajamas is not a difficult job.

Give me a break. You are 35 years old playing hide and go seek. You are living a dream. You are living a dream. No time card. No taxes. You are off the grid. Making popsticle stick houses. "It's the most difficult job on the planet. Oprah is not even a mother. How the hell she know?!

Thursday, December 10, 2015

Jimmy O Yang questions if it's ok for Asian to say the N word in a rap song like Jay-z

I was sitting here, on the passenger side. And let's pretend this is my black friend driving a car. He's like a skinny tall guy. So this song came on the radio, right. So I start rapping, and said, "Oh man, this song is awesome. Yeah, let's turn it up bro. Uh. Uh. Uh. F the police, coming straight from the underground. A young N... Shoot. Hey, uhm, look Latrell, is it cool for me to say the N word if it's just in a song, man?"

Then he said, "What the hell you think?! Is it cool for me to call you a chick cho rice eating mofo?"

I'm like, "Yeah, if you can find that in a song..."

Wednesday, December 2, 2015

Muppets Fozzie Bear and Kermit do Stand up Comedy Collaboration Skit

Ok, time once again for that fuzzy, furry, funny man -- the fabulous, freewheeling, fast and franic, Fozzi Bear.

Hey, hey, hey. Wait, wait, wait. Not so fast. Tonight I'm going to use your assistance. Yes sir. You and I are going to tell the world funniest joke. This is all spontaneous, unrehearsed. Right froggie?

Yes. It's unrehearsed.

Ok. Now. Frog of my heart, you would just wait until I say the word here. When you hear the word here, you will race up to me and say, "Good, Grief. The comedians a bear."

Good grief! The comedian is a bear.

Ok. Here we go. Ready. Here we go. Now then, hiya hiya hiya. You are a wonderful looking audience. It's nice to be here.

Good grief the comedian is a bear.

Not now. That was the wrong here.

Which is the right here?

The other here.

Hey hey folks, this is the story that you would love to hear.

Good grief the comedian is a bear.

Would you stop that.

I thought you said here.

Well, not that here.

Then which here.

Another here. Alright Alriht, you will know when I point.

Say, a funny thing happened to me on the way to the thearher. At the stage door, I past a bunch of muppets fan. Suddenly I hear, "Good grief, the comedian is a bear." No, he is not. He is wearing a neck-tie.

Tuesday, December 1, 2015

Part of Dave Chappelle Sympathizes Kramer like Siegfried and Roy Tiger Mishap Bite to Throat

They have a real life paparazzi. I see you. What do you think it is, a game? I'm watching out for the media. I'm like big foot. When people see me, they freak out. Even other celebrities get surprised, "Dave oh shoot."

Every time I see this back drop, I think about Kramer messing up. That's why I don't want to see no camera phones on my butt tonight. I'm telling you right now. I'm not wrap too tight. They put a lot of that corporate pressure on me. So this night might be the night. Tonight might be the night that I snap. You guys be lucky.

It's like having tickets to see Siegfried and Roy that night that tiger bit his throat. You will be like, "I was there when Chappelle freak out. I was there." That's why we go to see the tiger show, right. You don't go see somebody be safe with tigers. You be thinking in the back of your mind, "This person might get bit. I would like to see that in person for $35. Never seen somebody get bit by tiger before. It's only 35 dollars." That's freakin hilarious.

I will tell you the truth. When I've seen Kramer's tape, I learned about myself. You know what I learned? I think I'm only 20 percent black, and 80 percent comedian. You know what I mean. You know when you see that it makes you furious, right? The black dude in me was like, "Kramer, you jack ass..." I was hurt. And the comedian in me was just like, " Whew. Kramer is having a bad set. Hang in there Kramer. Don't let him break you Kramer." I wish I was there so bad.