Friday, January 15, 2016

Should I have kids by Sebastian Maniscalco

You know I have a huge family. I got a sister. But I don't know. I don't know if I want kids of my own. I'm at this point now. My friends all have kids. They are always asking me, "Sebastian, when are you going..."

"I don't know if I want kids."

They are like, "What??? Oh Sebastian... Sebastian kids are a miracle. It's an amazing thing. Once you have one of your own, it's not about you any more. It's about them."

"Why the hell I want to do that?"

And it's not the kids that I have the problem with. It's the parents today. It's a different parent how we grew up. First of all, is everybody's kids fantastic? Why is everybody bragging about their kids? Don't we have anymore dumbs kids? My parents were honest with people. They never bragged about me. We went to the aunts and the uncles. As soon as we walked in, my father was, "Yeah, We don't know what the hell is wrong with him. I don't know. Something is off with this kid. Something is loose. Look how big his head is... Look at the head on this kid. Go in the basement. Play pong."

I always got my friends coming over, bragging about the kids, "Sebastian, she is so advanced. She is reading at a 4th grade level. She is only in 2nd grade. Show Sebastian the face... the face you make."

"I don't give..."

If your kid could fly from my backyard to my front yard, yeah, I might want to see that. "This is unbelievable. How is this happening?"

Whatever your kid does, nobody cares. They got their kids in every sports now a days, every activity. What are you doing? The kids are exhausted. Pick one thing for this kid to do. But no, the father, the mother can't fathom that child just might not be good at something. It's never the kids fault for lack of talent. It's the coach. You know they have to complain to the coach, "Coach, coach. Come here. Hi, we are the Gibsons. We are just wondering why our child is not participating in the game with the rest of the kids."

"Because he stinks. That's why we got a bench."

Thursday, January 14, 2016

Wet n Wild Palm Springs Waterslide Black Hole Bit by Sebastian Maniscalco Live

I did have a good summer. I took my niece to the Wet n Wild Palm Springs water-slide. Anybody have been in the Wet n Wild Palm Springs waterslide lately? I went to the Wet n Wild Palm Springs. I have not been there for 20 years. Things have changed people. When I was a kid, I had 2 bucks to get into the park. They give you a little shammy. There's one slide. I think it was called fun run. You go up 10 steps. You get your shammy. Throw yourself down. Whoosh. Wow. You would go so slow you would stop in the middle. Some more water would come. Whoosh. Oh ok. Ease yourself into the pool. No problem, right.

I went this pass summer. It was $29 dollars to get into park with no shammy. Instead the guy gave me a liability form. "Hey Sir, I want you to sign this please."

"For what?"

"Oh just in case you die of cardiac arrest on one of the rides here."

"How bad are the rides?"

So I go... The first Wet n Wild Palm Springs ride I go to is called the blackhole. It's 30 story up in the air. I get up there I'm out of breath. They got this carnie running the damn thing. "What's going on. Get in."

"Get in?"

You just don't throw yourself down in there with that silver bar. They don't got that anymore. This thing in a coffin... Threre's a door on it. "Get in there. Get in..."


So I get in this thing. The door slams shut. Speakers pop on. "Puff Puff. Cross your arms and your legs." Then without any warning. Puff. The floor drops under you. And you just... It's like a free fall. I didn't think there was a slide behind me. They just drop me 30 stories into a 3 feet of water. I'm careening down, and I happened to open up my legs in the entry into the pool. I still don't know where the bathing suite lining went.

So you know how it is... You go underneath water. And we pop up, and we don't know where the hell we at... We look like an idiot right. So what I do is I hold. I stay. Collect myself. Make sure my shorts are on. I do my hair. Then I come out of the water, cool, nothing happen. The guy next to me... didn't take the time. He just popped up, naked. Hair everywhere. He had this swimmer snot wrapped around him... People never noticed that wrapped around them, "Hey that's a good ride."

O'Hare Airport Busy Check In and tough on Baggage Weight by Sebastian Maniscalco

It's time for me to check in, right. Now the check in process at the O'Hare airport, they don't even want to look at you -- head down, right. No smile, nothing. I feel like I'm working. I feel like... I'm working... "Hi, How you doing?" Right? The only time they get happy is when the bag go over the weight allowance. They love telling you, "You are going to owe extra, on this bag."

And you know it's heavy. When you are packing it at home, "I tell you what... We are not going to make it."

"It's ok."

So heavy, right. You put it up there. You know it's heavy, so you kind of, trying to release it. You do that soft release like that's going to... take weight off the bag. And her mood changes, "Ooooo, I'm sorry. Your bag is 2 pounds over. You gonna have to take 2 pounds out of your bag."

Now like an idiot I gotta open up my bag in front of 187 other people. I don't know what 2 pounds is... I'm taking out a boot, sock, toothpaste. "Is this 2 pounds? Does anybody knows what two pounds is?? They are going to charge me extra, $8000. Do you think the boot is half a pound? I mean. Where do you want me to put this?"

She, the flight attendant at O'Hare, said, "Put that in your carry on."

I said, "It's still going on the plane. What does it matter? If it's on top or underneath... The guy behind me is 500 pounds. That does not matter? My sock is going to take the plane into the pacific, but you are prepared for this type of weight? It's a scam."

Every part of that airport bothers me. The TSA O'Hare, the security check point. This is what's guarding our country? Have you seen what's in the blue shirts at O'Hare? Do you feel safe with this type of security? I have been all over the world -- Egypt, Lebanon, Peru... I have been all over. Security at their airport are unbelievable, all military. Neat, hats, machine guns.

Have you seen our first line of defense at O'Hare? You see the first guy they sent out? "Take down your laptop. Your liquids, your creams, your gels..."

Tuesday, January 12, 2016

Hampton Inn & Suites Hotel Late check In by Gabriel Iglesias

By the way you guys, I want to let you know now, here in this theater and all over the world, watching this special. If you ever see me in public, either at a Hampton Inn & Suites restaurant or at a hotel, or anywhere, and you want to stop me to say hello, take a picture or anything, please. I welcome it. And it's an honor if you were going to do that. I do not mind at all. Stop me anytime you want. I'm the same person, the same guy. Seriously the same guy you see now. It's the same guy you see outside. I don't change. You can walk up and go, "Gabriel, can I talk to you?"

I'm not going be like, "Be gone from me. Gabriel is my stage name. I'm not even Mexican. I'm Scandinavian." No, trust me. I'm the same pandero. I don't mind. I love it you guys. Trust me. You guys make it possible for me to have an incredible life, taking care of my family. I'm all for it. Not a problem. Trust me. Right now, it's so crazy. I'm still adjusting to people walking up to me. I'm checking in the Hampton Inn & Suites hotel. And they already knew me. I'm like, "I'm checking in Hampton Inn & Suites."

"Here your keys sir. We know it's you sir."


I think that is awesome. I needed that like 6 years ago. One time I was trying to check in a Hampton Inn & Suites hotel in Chicago at 1 o clock in the morning because I miss my flight. Nobody is at the front desk. Just a little bell, and a sign that said, "ring for service." So there I am. Ching. All of a sudden, I heard this, "I hear the bell." All of sudden this lady came out, "Are you the one ringing that damn bell? What the hell you want?"

"I'm checking in Hampton Inn & Suites."

"Do you know what time it is? It's tomorrow."

"I know. I miss my flight."

"Mmmm. Whatever you say."

"What's going out there?"

"Girl, you gotta see this. I got this big ass mexican showing up late as hell."

"Ok, what's your name?"

"My name is Gabriel Inglesias."


"Yes Inglesias."

"Ok. Inglesias. E-G-L"

"No. No. No. It's with an I."

"Girl, you gotta see this. Nacho Libre is trippin. You would have gotten a queen size yesterday, but it's today."

Thundercats Craziest New Episode Watch in Home Movie by Lavell Crawford

Your mama got your back. Your mama wiped your ass; wiped your nose; wiped your whole damn face -- all with the same rag. I learned my lesson, "Ah. I got enough of that rag."

My mama is old school. When I was growing up, there was no need for amber alert. Hell nah. I was not getting abducted. Back then, hell no. When my mama put that Vaseline on my face so I can look shiny at the bus stop, she gave me some real good advice, "When your ass get off that bus at 4:30, I want you in that house. I mean in that house. Don't let anybody in that house until I get off work, 9 o clock tonight. You got it?"

"I got it."

When I get out, I go straight to the house, and lock it like fort knox. Go get me some chocolate milk. And watch my favorite cartoon, thundercats. Thunder-cats. Thunder cats. Oh hell yeah. Thunder, thunder, thundercats. Hoooooooooooo. Durr Durr Dur. Go lionel, go. I be like drinking my chocolate milk, "This is craziest episode that I have ever seen in my life." That door bell ring. I'm like, "Who can that be? Who is it?"

"Baby it's grandma. Let your grandma in the house."

"Sorry Grandma. My mama said to let nobody in the house. She meant nobody until 9 o clock tonight."

"Oh baby. Grandma came all the way from Tennessee. You know you can let your grandma in."

"I love you too Grandma, but mama say nobody is allowed in the house. Now if you excuse me. I have to watch Thundercats."

Monday, January 11, 2016

Hugh Hefner Playboy Mansion 200 million Dollars Entrance Party by Pauly Shore

I'm just happy that I'm still allowed to go to the playboy mansion. That's all I really cared about now. I square to gawd. The playboy mansion is crazy. Cause when you walk in there, it's like Willy Wonka and the house of cats. Hugh Hefner is in the front, greeting you like Wonka. Like, "Come with me, you will see, all the cats for your imagination. Take it look. It's time for master bay tion."

"Oh my gawd, cats waterfalls. Can I drink them? Yum Yum Yum. Playboy midgets, can I F them. Diddy diddy diddy."

I always get laid when I'm at the playboy mansion. I'm not saying that to make you think I'm cool. Any guy would get laid at the playboy mansion. It's awesome. No competition. It's like me, Corey Feldman, Scott Bao, and Bob Saget. It just gets worse. But once in a while Colin Farrell shows up. I'll be like, "What's he doing here? Shouldn't you be filming a movie? Come back in ten years when your career is down the drain. Hugh Hefner, relax. I got this."

Friday, January 8, 2016

In the Jungle the Lion Hunts, and The Cheetah Dust Through the Gazelle by Richard Pryor

In the jungle, when you see a rabbit, you get nervous. Cause the rabbit will be looking at you like, "..."

"Roll the window up Dear."

"It's just a rabbit."

"F U. Ain't no rabbit look at me like that."

And you see a lion in the jungle. That's what they look like. They be in the bush like... "Yeah, get your butt out the car. And bring that camera with you. Cause we are going to eat all that stuff."

I saw three lions, chase down a buffalo. That is the baddest mofo on four legs, except these bitches chasing them. And the lions they are working around like in teams, in signals. You know they can't talk...

And the buffaloes saw one of them right. And he tip away from the rest of the herd. And two others jump on him. And the other buffalo was like, "That fool did not warn us... let's leave."

You know how the buzzards circles in the movies? These mofo drove in a truck. Talking about, "What are these?"

Cheetahs. You don't see nothing but dust. I saw two cheetahs. Look like they were talking about jumping on some gazelle. "Do you want to go after that herd?"

"Nah, man. They too close. Let's just give them another hundred yards. How the wife and family man? It's going to be tourist season soon. That's far enough. You ready?"

The gazelle can hear, "Run."

And the mofo that can't hear is in trouble, "what?"


"What?! Huh?"




"What you say?"

"It's your butt!"

Thursday, January 7, 2016

Americans Gun Amendment Rights Laws Controversy by Rich Hall

People ask me all the time, "So Rich, does everyone in America owns an assault rifle? Is it mandatory?"

"Um. No."

"Then why?"

"I don't know because America has guns."

"Why can't they get rid of them?"

"Well, that will be like trying to stop obesity by getting rid of spoons. It's not going to happen."

Americans have guns, and we are not getting rid of them. Because there are always some guy in a camouflage outfit with an AR15 going, "Arrr... 2nd amendment says I have the right to get..." That was written 220 years ago, you prick. I don't think they foresaw you own an AR15 with the laser sight on top of a 200 magazine clip. I think they were thinking of muskets. That's why they pull a quill out of a duck's back and dip it in ink and wrote it into law.

I was reading a cover of a magazine in America because you have all these guns magazines. There's one called guns and ammo. This is the headline of the article. I didn't even read the article. This is the headline, "Which is better for capturing a Mallard,  crowning or browning? How about a piece of bread?

The state of Iowa has just passed the law. It's now ok to get a honing license in Iowa if you are blind. I think that law was introduced by deer and peasants.

So the government has all the opportunity to pass the gun law, but they never do, "It won't happen again. Don't worry."

"But What if it's going to happen?"

"But it's not going to happen."

"Well, we need to pass the law."

"Nope. We are not going to pass the law because of the National Rifle Association. That's the gun lobby. Well, it's not our problem. People go a bit nutty. You can't regulate nutty."

"What if somebody get tooled up because they just watch the Batman film, and he goes off to the cinema and shoot other people dressed as batman characters? Don't you think that has something to do with violence on television?"

"No. People know the difference between see on television and real life."

"Oh yeah, then how come there's advertising? You people will go out and buy insurance because an aflack duck."

American Gun Violence Control Safety Protection Rights Issue by Jim Jefferies

I'm all for 2nd amendment rights. I think you all should have guns. It's in your constitution. What I am not for is bullshit arguments and lies. There is one argument and one argument alone to have a gun. And this is the argument. F off I like guns. It's not the best argument, but it's all you got. And there is nothing wrong with it. There's nothing wrong with I like something; don't take away from me. But don't give me this other bullshit. The main one is, "I need it for protection. I need to protect me. I need to protect my family." Really? Is it why they call it assault rifle? Is it? Never heard of these protection rifles you speak of... Protection? What the F are you talking about. You have a gun in your house. You are 80 percent more likely to use that gun on yourself than to shoot someone else. People think, "That will never happen to me." You don't know that because you know why, "From time to time... We all get sad... One day you happy... then you sad..." Protection? I had a break in Manchester England. I was tired and had a hair cut. I came through the window with knife and hammer. Americans always go, "Imagine if you had a gun." I'm like, "Alright. I was naked at the time. I was not wearing my holster. And I was not staring at the window, waiting for constant knife to go through." What world do you live in where you constantly get ready. You have guns because you like guns. That's why you go to guns conventions. You read gun magazines. You don't give a crap about homeland security. Nobody goes to homeland security conventions. None of you read padlock monthly. None of you have a Facebook picture of you behind a secure a door, "bang bang yeah." Like you are going to be ready when somebody comes to your house, and have it ready. By the way, most who break into your house just want your tv. You think people are coming to murder your family? How many enemies do you have? Geez you think a lot about yourself if you think everyone is coming to murder you. See if you have it ready available. It becomes unsafe. You have it at your bed side table. One of your kids pick it up. Thinks it's a toy. Shoots one of your kids. It happens everyday. That would never happen in my house because I'm responsible adult. I keep my guns lock in a safe. Then where is the protection? They will be like, "Wait there. You came to the wrong house here. Is it 32 to left or 32 to the right? You mother's birthday? How would I know that?

Tuesday, January 5, 2016

Aliens and UFO built the Pyramid documented in Netflix Documentaries Bit by Ryan Singer

I love thinking about aliens and space. You don't have to convince me that Aliens built the pyramid. I got Netflix, which mean I already believe that stuff. Obviously you have Netflix too. And if you are like me, you have seen one of the three thousand documentaries, streaming on Netflix about how the pyramid were built. And you too have probably been convinced, at the very least, we had a little bit of help, building those super structures, thousands of years ago. The way the light shaft lines up to the constellation, the geographical location of the pyramid on the globe, the way the line up geometrically to one another. We can fit 35 empire state buildings inside the biggest pyramid. Think about how enormous that is... And you think we built those by ourselves. It has been taken over 10 years to repave 2 miles 5 north of Glendale. And you think we built the pyramid? You are the crazy one dude, not me. I ain't crazy. Your rubber bounces off of me. You coo coo. I go even further than that. You can convince me with quite ease that aliens help us build any super structure that I have ever seen in my entire life.

Have you ever drive down the freeway and two other freeways cross over on top of you, the giant concrete formation? Good thing that my 99 Camry does not have a sunroof. Any building over 10 stories tall, "How does that building not fall down? It's so windy up there." How a dude over 6 feet 7 walk around all day? You top heavy. How you moving?

Any bridge over large amount of water like the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco... There's a bridge in the American South land that stretches over 30 to 40 miles of swamp land -- No solid land in plain sight. How the bridges stand still? How do they not collapse? It's so mushy down there. It's mushy man. Maybe those poles aren't even steel. Maybe those poles are made out of concrete. How did you get those concrete hard under water dude? How did you get concrete hard under water? You put a sexy lady in there. No. Sexy lady don't make everything hard -- just dicks and life.

Mrs. Meyers Liquid Hand Soap Coconut Scent Issue by Demetri Martin

Clothing sizes are weird. They go small, medium, large, and then extra large, extra extra large, extra extra extra large. Something happen at large. They just gave up. They were like, "I'm not doing anymore adjectives. Just keep on putting extra on there." We can do better than that -- Small, medium, large, wow, easy, slow down, stop it, interesting, American. I don't like it when I go into a clothing store, and I pick some clothes. Then I go to the dresser. Then they come and bother me when I'm in there, "How is it working out for you in there? You alright in there? How are you doing in there?" I go, "Ahh... not too good. I think I'm going to kill myself. Can you get me a belt please?" "Are you alright in there?" "Yeah, I'm naked. Just popping some zits. Do you want to hop in?" Just leave me alone. "How's it going in there for you?" "Ah, alright. I couldn't find the toilet so I just went. You got to finish these bathroom stalls man. Also can you get me a few tshirts?" My friends have Mrs. Meyers Liquid Hand Soap that smells like coconut. Mrs. Meyers Liquid Hand Soap is nice unless your hands are dirty from coconut. Then it's the worst soap possible. "I can't make sense of any progress in this situation. This is how I started out. This sucks."

Nsync Tour Irresistible Halftime Show Bit in NFL superbowl by Lewis Black

Then it was halftime. Halftime to the Super Bowl was the best. Because halftime to the Superbowl have gotten exponentially worst every year. I use the word exponentially because I was taught in math class. And that was the first sentence I used it. Exponentially worst means crappier and crappier and crappier. Last year, the half time show was presented by MTV. When I think music, oh yeah I think MTV. The people that have done everything they could in my life time to destroy music as I know it. In case you don't realize it. MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken.

So who did MTV get to play at halftime? They get NSync. Sure, when I think football, I think NSYNC. It was interesting. I never heard Nsync play because, you know, when they come on, I like to take a pencil; shove it in my ear. And that would have been enough for a halftime show, but no. Quiet shortly there after, they are joined by arrow smith. I have Nsync and arrowsmith, and I am confused. Nsync and arrowsmith are two bands that shouldn't be in the same state at the same time. So Nsync and arrowsmith began to play, but what they play was not music. What you heard was the sound of chaos. I know that sound strange, but it's true. Because I can hear the sound of pigs being slaughtered. Women were weeping, and men smashing their teeth. I heard sounds that were so horrible, and if I were to repeat to you, you would just leave from this room with horror.

I'm like, "This is going to be over soon." I have been watching the half time show since I was eleven years old. But no. The boys are joined by Britney Spears. I have Nsync and arrowsmith and Britney Spears. I have the trifecta from hell. But I was lucky because I have a spoon in my hand. And I shoved it up my ass. You may wondering why. To distract myself from the pain. Because if I'm going to hurt that much, I'm going to do it to myself. Oprah calls that empowerment.

Step on Lego Pain How it feels in the brain

I can't hit my kids. I am not going to do it. It only teaches them how to lie. Don't put fear in them. But last week, I stepped on a lego barefoot. I almost murdered my whole family. Almost killed them all. Family anilihotor. Start a new life. I would have kept the beer. Have you ever stepped on a lego on a barefoot? Did you ever do it? It would make you reevaluate your life choices. Everything you held sacred about your life, out the window. Because you are just an innocent by stander. You are walking around your own house. You don't know. Barefeet. Bam. The pain starts here, and travels quickly to your brain. Your brain goes, "What the F is this." It does not know how to compute the pain. Wires shooting off smoke. That's not the worst of it. Now you are jumping up and down. That's not the pain what you have to look for. Let me tell you something. Legos. Legos are like cockroaches. When you see 1, there's 10 more hiding out in the shadows. You don't even know they are there. Now you are hopping up and down on one leg. Then all your weight lands on top of that second lego. Your brain is like, "Shut this system down." I hit the floor crying with tears, streaming down my face.

Gabriel Inglesias describes Sexy Commercial in Telemundo Channel and Pepsi

Man, this country. I love living here in the United States. I can't think of anywhere else I want to live. Some people would say, "Well, you're Mexican. Wouldn't you want to live in Mexico?" I love Mexico... just for visiting. I like it right here. That's why it kind of bothers me when people go, "What is it like to be a Latino comedian."

I go, "I don't know. I'm a comedian who happens to be Latino."

"What's the difference?"

"The difference is my special will air in Comedy Central, not Telemundo."

It's hard you guys. You know... Espanol. You speak a little Spanish. It freaks people out, "Oh my gosh. He is speaking Spanish." Don't get me wrong. I like watching Spanish programming. Some of those stuff are really cool.

My favorite things are the commercials because it's always about sex. You don't know what the product is until the last 2 seconds. It's always some model walking all sexy, right. "Hola, aye... que Rico..." And on the 28th second right, "Ayeeeeeeeee... Pepsi." And you are here, sitting going, "I gotta get me some Pepsi." I have a thing for soda I love it. I know they gave me water, but... oh a soda.

Pepsi. Oh, that is actually diet. I am not on a diet. It's funny because people go, "Well, why do you drink diet soda?"

"So I can eat regular cake." I love cake, man.

Monday, January 4, 2016

The only Asian in Alabama by Jo Koy

I'm in New York Baby. This is it. It's a long journey. I'm in New York dude. You know how long it took me to get here. I have been on the road for a year and half. I have been on the road. And you go to there places that you don't want to go to. Like I couldn't wait to come to New York. But there are other places that I have to go to. And you go. And you like, "This place is a state? Like Alabama. Oh no Alabama." I had to do a show in Alabama. Son of a bit. I was the only Asian in Alabama. I was the only Asian in Alabama. They didn't even wait for the show to start to see me. They were outside my hotel room just looking, "Come to the window. Come on man. We want to see you."

I waited outside of my window for like 15 minutes, standing on the side of the curtain like this. Take a peek.

"We see yah. He thinks he's a ninja."

Alabama scares the crap out of me. This guy picked me up in a pick up truck, and threw my luggage in the back. There's a dog standing. "He'll watch you luggage."

I get in the truck like, "Ok."

"Is this your first time in Alabama?"


"Do you want to go to the hotel first?"

"That's the only option." Like I flew all the way to Alabama to hang out with this guy?! This guy scared the crap out of me. I'm in a pick up truck. I'm scare out of my life. The dog is sitting with my luggage. This guys could of have easily go, "We are going to drive into the woods. And F you real quick."

Russians are the Scariest White People on Earth by Dan Soder

I'm currently living in New York City, which you know, it's there. I have been living in New York about 6 years now. And when I first move there, I had a huge fear that I am going to get mugged constantly like every time I left the house. It's like, "here it comes. Someone is going to take everything." I got over my fears because I learn a trick. And now I use this trick all the time. Whenever someone ever might beat me up or mug me, I fake a Russian accent. Your welcome. It's genius. I'll be walking home late at night. 2 dangerous looking thugs walk up to me like, "Yo. Man. You know what neighborhood you are in?"

"You think this is bad neighborhood." Russians are the scariest white people. They have earned it. I'm so scared of them that I guarantee if I was lost, dangerously lost. There would be no way I'm going to ask a Russian for direction. Just real quick like, "Sir, help me. Please help me. How do I get to the subway?"

"The subway? Walk down street. Around corner."

"Ohhhh. Screw that. I think I'm just going to stay lost."