Thursday, September 25, 2014

Kevin Hart Wishes He can be a Rapper with a Deep Voice and Sick Hand Motions

I wish I can be a rapper or some shit. I really do. You know why I can't be a rapper? It's because my voice ain't deep enough. To be a rapper, you need a deep voice. It's the only way people will listen to you on a regular basis. I don't think anybody would buy my album because my voice is too small. "Yeah bitch I'm killer. I shoot you in the face. Ping ping. Everybody's going to die. Ping ping. Everybody. Everybody's going to die tonight." Did he just say, "Ping Ping." I ain't going to buy that shit if somebody's going, "Ping ping."

Certain shit keeps you being tough. You know what's keep me from being tough. This is really holding me back. Look at this shit here. Look at this. Look at this shit. This is really fracking me up man. There's nothing tough about this. It doesn't matter what you say. Not anybody going to take you seriously if you swing your feet. It don't matter. I will kill everybody in this bitch tonight. I'm not fracking playing with you all. What you all think this is? A game? I'm sick of it. I'm sick how people treat me around here. Would you talk to guy who is swinging his feet? If you are at the club, and I tried to talk to you, "Come here baby. Let me have you a few seconds. You girl. You know damn well who I am talking to. Wait a second. Let me climb down there, and get my feet together. Wait a minute now."

Rappers make me laugh. I square rappers are funny, man. You ever see rappers freestyle? When they are like battling each other, the more angrier the rappers get, the higher the hands get. Have you ever notice that? They all start off so calm. Like this rapper is free-styling. This dude would listen to the other guy.

"You ready?"

"Nah, I'm got him. I got him. Real talk. I kill nicks. I sale nicks. I nicks. I nicks, nicks want to give back."

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Dr Ken Jeong Married a Vietnamese Girl and Explains why Vietnamese is like Koreans on Weed Rainbow

This is the happiness time of my life. I just got married 6 months ago. Give it up. Give it up. No joke. Check it out. Check it out. Check it out. Sorry fellas. Ah. Sorry guys. She's Vietnamese Doctor last name Ho. I'm not joking with you. Doctor Ho. I'm a comic. This is pure joy, "Get in the car, Ho." You know what I'm saying. "Make me some rice, Ho." You know. "You complete me, Ho." You know.

She's Vietnamese and I'm Korean. Where are the Koreans in the crowd. Koreans, we are like the angriest mofo on the planet. Are we not? Are we not, Koreans? "Annyeonghaseyo!" That's mean hello in Korean. Do you know what I'm saying. Give it up you. Give it up.

Vietnamese, where are the Vietnamese?  Right. Right. Kind of gay. Right? Kind of gay. You know what I'm talking about. Very fagot, "Tại sao bạn rất đẹp ? Cảm ơn." What the heck. "Tại sao bạn rất đẹp ? Cảm ơn." And when they speak English, they're like gay, retarded, def mutes. You know. "Would you like to eat some Vietnamese pho?" You know. What the heck. "Vietnamese pho? Tại sao bạn rất đẹp ?"

Vietnamese is like Koreans on weed. Think about it.

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

The Cosby Show Story About A Shiny Ford GM Car Broken Down For Sale

We are talking about a car now. I knew something was wrong when we down there and the man saw she brought her father. So the man said, "I don't think I can find the keys to the car." So I said, "I don't think I can find the money." So the man found the keys.

So we get into the car now. First of all, to be honest, this is a beautiful, beautiful looking car. I mean, if Denise is sitting in this car, her friends are going to say, "Look out Denise or Chilly down or Cool back or whatever those people say."

I put the key in the ignition, turn the thing, and it went, "koo boo boo boo bump bump bump pump pump pump." The two of us are sitting in there. And the car is not running yet. It's just thinking about it. The car is just in the right side now, just the right side, and it said, "how how how plow plow plunk plunk." And she is sitting there like this like she's dancing, see. "hubba hubba hubba." The car has not started up yet. The car has not started up yet. "how dee how dee how dee." So I press down on the gas, and you're going to think I'm lying. The car said, "What?" The car said that.

So I put the thing in reverse. I let go of the emergency brake. Then push down on the gas, and the car said, "Oh, you want to go backwards?" So now we back out. And the thing goes, "hiccup." Now it's vibrating. I mean this motor is doing, "bee bee bee bleep bleep." Now I'm looking in the rear view mirror, and whatever I run over is. There's twelve of them. And she's sitting there blaming on me, "Daddy?!"

Sunday, September 21, 2014

Pete Holmes sleeps with Ray Romano and dreams about Bedtime Funny Facts and Ideas

I should have went to Disneyland.

Ever since I was a kid, I always wanted to work with Ray Romano. Is it weird that this is exactly how I pictured it?

Well, what's weird is I had this dream before. I wake up, turn over, and see what I would look like if I was a lesbian.

Kangaroos hold baby kangaroos in their pouch. But What if there was even a smaller kangaroo in the baby's kangaroo pouch? How far does it go?

I wonder if i can beat up Brad Garrett He's about half a foot taller than me. But Come on... that goofy bastard would never see it coming.

Why do they call it a bathroom when all it needs to have is a toilet? Should I be taking a bath in my toilet?

I killed a spider in my house the other day. I didn't have to kill it, but he saw me masturbating. Funny. Funny cause it's true.

People are complaining that barbie is too skinny. But she probably does not eat very much because she does not have a butt hole.

The show is called Everybody Loves Raymond, but isn't more important that Raymond Loves Raymond.

Thank you Ray Romano everybody.

Friday, September 19, 2014

Jo Koy sleeps like a Bear Who has a Heart Attack According to His Filipino Mom

I didn't know I had sleep apnea. My mom told me I had sleep apnea. I was asleep at her house 6 years ago, sleeping in the guestroom. The same way I always do. Just like this, "huh huh huh." And I woke up, "ah ah ah." My mom at the foot of the bed like this, "Oh my gawd Joseph. You're dying."

"Mom, I"m not dying. I'm snoring."

"Joseph that's not snoring. You look like this, 'arrrr arrr arrr.' Joseph you have to go to the doctor, and get that check or else you are going to die. I don't want you to die because I'll die of heart attack. If you die, oh my gawd."

I'm like, "Mom, I'm not going to a doctor for snoring. How long were you watching me? That's creepy." And I kick her out, "Get out of here. Get out of here mom."

"Ah... I'm sorry Joseph. I did not mean to startle you. It just that I was walking to the kitchen, and I heard a noise coming from the guestroom. It sounded like someone was killing a bear. I was like, 'I don't have a bear.'"

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Jamie Foxx votes Shaq for President Cause He is Cool Calm and Collected in the Championship Interview about Kobe

So you got to pay attention. Whoever you want to be the president, let's pay attention. If we got to ride the boat, let's make sure we do the right thing. You know what I'm saying. Now you'll be careful when you start picking your president. Am I right? Make sure pick somebody that you know is going to be cool in situation. That's why with me, or maybe I bug out sometimes. But if I had my choice, I'll pick somebody like Shaq. Cause he's cool. He never get excited about nothing. He's cool all the time. Did you see the interview that Shaq did right after they won the championship? The dude that was interviewing him was more excited than he was, "So Shaq, How do you feel?!"

"I feel good. I just want to thank my mama and my father. Thank god everyday. Making sure I'm gifted and everything. You know. It's a new thang. You know what I'm saying. I'm trying to do the best I can do. Can you dig it? Can you dig it? uh uh uh."

"So you and Kobe never get in a fight?"

"We were just playing with you all. You all thought we were serious or something. Me and Kobe were just kidding. You know what I'm saying. We gotta gotta wana wanna."

Don't tell him cause that mo will whoop my ash.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Harland Williams British Fake Accent Greeting and Motel 6 New Slogan

How are you doing? Are you having fun Miam? Have you ever wake up at 3 in the morning cover your ash in Harvey relish, and shove your ash in the freak-in ceiling fan? So dig this. I'm in downtown today. Check it out folks. I know there are some tourist here. We got some, some. Are you a tourist buddy? Where are you from guy?


London? "Oh, you are from London, mate? That's freak-in brilliant. Me too. How long have you been here, mate, in the united states of america. How long have you been here."

"2 weeks."

"2 weeks? Is it? Maybe it's time to lose the fake accent."

I love the way British people say hello, right? Like, "Cheerio." They use a breakfast cereal to say hello -- and good bye. It's like, "Hey man, I had a great time. Count Chocola."

So dig this. I'm downtown yesterday, right? And all of this. I'm wandering around, weird people in downtown. I'm wandering around downtown. All of the sudden, out of nowhere, I hear this, "whooooooooooossssshhhhhhhhhshhhhh." A homeless guy making wind noises.

"Where are you staying while you here, mate? Where you staying while you are in the united ah  uh ah uh states? Are you staying at ah oh oh hotel? Where are you staying mate? At KFC?"

"I"m staying at your house."

"Oh you are staying at my house? Well, good. Get up, and make my bed, you wanker."

Sir, put your money away. I don't work take tips for jokes.

You guys should stay at the motel 6 while you are here man -- Great hotel in America. You know their slogan, "I'm tumble death in Motel 6. We'll leave the light on for you." Shouldn't their slogan be more like, "I'm tumble death in Motel 6, and we'll leave the blood fart on the sheet for you. We'll leave the diarhea arc on the wall for yeah."

What the hell are you eating there? Chewy corn chips? Can I have a chewy corn chip? Look at that little treat, yeah buddy? Every put that in your eyes, and pretend you are a dolphin?

How you doing buddy? Have you ever made love to an old lady? Check it out buddy. Check it out. "MMMMmmmm. Mmmmmm. Crack."

"I bet you don't hear that in England? Hey mate?"

Monday, September 15, 2014

Dane Cook complains about the Drive Thru at Burger King Because Customer Voice too High or too Low

We all have some crappy jobs, right? Everybody has a crappy job. Whatever. You got to do it. First job I had -- Burger King. He he ha ha. I'll come up there man. My brother got me the job. My brother got me the job. Yup. He was the manager. And he got me the job. You'll think it would be cool. You know. Because he is my bro. But he was a duck. He thought he was the burger king. You know what I'm saying. He would put me through drive thru every night.

Why do people assist on yelling at the drive thru. You know it's modern technology. I be there with my headset, "Hi, Welcome to burger king. May I take your order?"

"Blah bla Blah Bla!"


"Blah blah bla bla!"

"Excuse me Chewbaka. I'm bleeding from the ears here Pacino. Let's calm down. Alright we are dealing with food, not missiles here, governor, so drive around."

I would rather have people yell when people didn't talk loud enough. That drove me crazy. 10 cars are out there. I'll be like, "Hi Maim, may i take your order?"

"My squeek squeek. Pickles. Pickles. Cheese. Pickles.

"Main, can I help you."

"And the pickles. And the pickles."

"Apparently, you want pickles. Are you trying to molest me."

"Sauce. All over my body."

"Hurry. Somebody give her some sauce now. She wants it her way."

Saturday, September 13, 2014

David Alan Grier Runs the Los Angeles Marathon for 6 hours and 23 minutes best personal time

I actually did some sports myself. I ran a marathon.  Last year I ran my first marathon. It was a Los Angeles Marathon. I finished. Uhm. Let's not get too excited now. It took me 6 hours and 23 minutes. People were walking faster than I was running at the end of this race. And I trained for it. You know. Cause you get all hyped up. Cause on the marathon day, after months of training, you  have to wake up 5:30 in the morning. You go to downtown Los Angeles -- thirty thousand people all different shapes and sizes and color races. Everybody is running the marathon.

And everybody is grouped together in their marathon clubs. You know. Like you got the old lady over here is the grandma running club. And you can tell by t shirts. Cause they got cute little messages that the kids made. They put it on, and it would sparkle with peanuts and stuff.  Then you have the military guys over here. They are hard.  They're wearing camouflage shorty shorts and combat boots, singing a marathon song. You know, "We will run a marathon. We are about to get it on." So they are hard.

So finally at 6 AM. There's a guy on the podium that says, "Runners! Get on your mark! Get set! Pow!" And you are running, and it's exciting.  You wave to your friends, "Look at me. I'm running a marathon." Ah it's exciting. It's exciting  for about a mile and half, "What we doing man? 25 more miles?" Now you're just running. Now about 5 miles, this is where society as we know it begins to break down. Grown men begin urinating on public streets, "I can't stop. I got the time." At mile 7, 8, they run out of food. Those slices of oranges, the power bars, now we're hungry and thirsty, but we're running a marathon. After a couple of miles, we become like a pack of wild animals. We were snatching fruit off of trees. Then you get deep, deep into the race, mile 17, mile 19. You get to mile 20. They call this the wall. Cause a lot of people don't get pass the wall. Cause they start to hallucinating -- running the wrong way.

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Godfrey Makes Fun of the National Anthems in Play off Sports and Olympics

Now listen. Our anthems are cool. Like the national anthem is cool, not in American sports though -- like play off games. I'm going to keep it real. I don't want to hear that shit -- even the players don't. "Ah say can..." Hurry up. You know what I mean. And stop getting some R and B singers. Keep black people away from the national anthem. "Oh say... Can you see... by.... the... oh say..." Is this the remix?! Damn!

Jay-Z busting, "Yo, it's the national anthem. Oh shit. It's over." Oh no. How did he get in this?

I just want some old war veteran that forgot all the words to sing it, "Arrrr say... Damn it. Go on. Start the damn game. Pull my underwear out of my ass arrr." That's what I want.

But during the Olympics it's serious. Our national anthem sounds so great. When they raise our flag, you know usually people watching at home, "like raise that bitch. We got that gold bitch, what. It's our sports. I don't know what it was. It's our shit." It just sounds so good. "deh deh like yeah." Right?

Then I get mad when other countries win a medal cause you got to hear their shitty anthem. "And now time for the Russian National anthem. Eee Neee EEee Neee Nhaaa Neeet RRReeeet. Thank you Russia. That's enough. We don't know when that shit is going to end."

"And now time for the Chinese. Chinese Nationa anthem - Hummm thayyy Chay Seee. Oh thank you. Just end it."

"And now time for the Jamaica anthem. Raaar. Jama. Jama. That was the shit. We will do that one more time."

Monday, September 1, 2014

Long Hair Nick Guerra Mistaken for A Drunkin Girl at the Club which Aggravates him Like Chiwawa

What's up? How you guys doing? Alright! Yeah! We're going to have some fun.

So I get hit on by a lot of lesbians, alright. I know man. It sucks. That's why I don't drink. I can't get drunk with this silky hair, and enjoy it. You know. I can't have my back turn at the bar just standing there like, "Oh my god. I love this song. Oh wow. This is great. Yeah."

Guys come up to me, "What's up baby?"

"Hey bro. Stop that. We came together. This is weird."

I know my hair is long. I know exactly when it gets long. It's when people start mistaken me for celebrities. They like, "Hey you look like somebody famous."

I'm like, "Who? Johnny Depp?"

Like, "No. The girl from Juno."

Really? I know. Somebody told me I look like blanket. What do you say to that?

I'm like, "Really? Blanket? Blanket Jackson? What do I, 'hee hee.'"

I don't know what to say. I'm like, "I'm a man." That's it. That's all I did. That's as violent as I get. I'm 5-5 ok. We don't get violent for short people. We don't. We get aggravated, but not violent. We are like chiwawas. You know. We're like, "screw you. Screw you. Puppy Power." That's how we are.

Short chicks are the worst - Short chicks, biggest smack talkers ever. Any girl 5-5 and under, "What's up! I'm a boss. What's up." With their big eyelashes, "What's up. You want to fight,  huh?" When they get drunk, it's like down here, "Come on. Let's fight." come on hold my heels, "Come on. Let's do it. Come on. I'm right here." Tiny aggravated people man. That's how we are man.

I'm getting more aggravated. I'm 29, right. I'm getting older. I know I'm getting uncool. Cause I don't like music anymore. I can't stand music. Music is so bad. There's no more good love songs anymore. You get all these kids, trying write about love. Justin Bieber trying to write about love. Really?! He has half a nut in his rectum. He doesn't know what he's talking about. It's still up there. You can't write about love until you know about love. And you don't know about love until  you have that first pregnancy scare. You know what I'm saying. That's when you know. I'm going to say this.

Guys, it's our fault. Ok, we got to take care of that, alright. Cause we don't do anything else in the bedroom. We don't, alright. News flash - none of us are sexy. We aren't. We try to be, but we look stupid, okay.

Thursday, August 28, 2014

Brian Regan UPS trouble with Girth and Procedures of Box Deliver Pickup

We just moved. I called UPS. Ask them to help out with some boxes. They are good service, but you gotta have information ready about your boxes before you can call them. I had no idea. I called them up, "Yeah, I have 10 boxes. Can you come over and pick them up?"

"We need to know the weight and the girth."

"Ok. Good bye."

So I called back. "We need the weight and the girth."

"Ok. I don't know what the weight is, and uhm I don't know what girth means. So now what's the procedure?"

So this guy talks to me like i'm four years old, "Well, do you have a bathroom scale?"

"Yeah, but if I put the box on the scale, it's gonna cover up the NUMBERS." What I do? take it off very quick? "Ah, zero. I'm not fast enough." What's he talking about?

So then he gives me like his Mr. Wizard formula, "How about if you stand on the scale, and then weight yourself. Then get off the scale. Pick up the box. Get back on, and where you and the box together. Subtract your own weight."

I'm going, "slow down. Hold on professor."

I know this guy never tried this cause I tried it, and you can't still see the NUMBERS.

What am I, Mr. Olympia? "3 pounds."

And then I had to hang up in the middle of his girth formula. He kept on ensuring me it was easy, "You know the girth is very simple to figure out. You take the length and double that by the smaller height after yoiu triangular the hypothesis of the thrid side."

"Ok. I gotta go. I'm getting another call. Yeah, I'm too stupid to talk to you. I just don't want to get along with you any longer."

So this is true. I figured I call up, and make up some numbers, you know. Let him come out and pick them up. If it's wrong, I'll pay the difference. Just dispatch the truck. Please. So I called back, "Yeah, uhm. I have 10 boxes. And... Uhm. No. I'm the other guy. And they all weight exactly 22 pounds, and they all have a girth of -- 3."

"Three what?"

"Three -- girth units. Come pick them up. Please. I'm begging you. They're boxes, and they're brown. And they have tape all on them. And they probably fit on a dolly."  Why must you torture me?

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Russell Peters Shops For a Purse at Pacific Mall Bargaining with Chinese Man to be The Man

Are you Chinese?


Ooo. I said. Ooo. I just said your last name.

That you can't do business together - Chinese people and Indian people cannot do business together. Cause Indian cannot live without a bargain. And Chinese people cannot give you a bargain. Their objective is to get every penny from you. And our is to keep everything. This is a really power struggle here. I went to this Chinese mall, some of you may know it, pacific mall. That's a wrong place for an Indian guy to go. I saw this bag. I wanted to buy this bag. I go, "How much?"

He goes, "35 dollars."

"um. How about 30?"

And Chinese people never tell you no. They will tell you no, the longest no you ever heard in your life like you just said the most ridiculous thing that they ever heard in your life.

"I give you 30."

"Noooooo. Nooooo. I can't do 30 dollars. If I sell you 30 dollars today, today you come tomorrow I close down."

I'm like, "Alright, give me a deal on the purse. I don't want to pay 35 bucks."

"Ok. One second. Let me talk to my wife. One second. Thank you. Dim lah. Xing. Xing. Chew Chew Wah. Han Goi. Ok. You seem like a nice guy. I give you best price, 34.50."

I'm like, "That's 50 cents."

He goes, "50 cents is alot of money! YOu save 50 cents here, and then maybe you go somewhere else and save another 50 cents. Then you have 1 dollar. Then you take your dollar. You go to the dollar store, and you buy something else."

This guy starts turning into my money manager or something, "Let me financial plan for you."

I'm like, "You know what dude. Forget it. I don't want it. It's not a deal."

He starts telling me some stuff that has nothing to do with anything.

I'm like, "I'm leaving."

He goes, "Hey! Be a man! Be a man! Do the right thing!"

"What you talking about doing the right thing?"

"Maybe you don't buy the purse right now. You go some other mall, and you see something else. You don't buy. You come back. You say, 'eh, I want the purse for 34.50.' I say, 'Noo. You don't get for 34.50.' Now price goes up 40 dollars - Be a man."

Monday, August 25, 2014

Dave Chappelle Sesame Street Impressions of Big Bird and Count Dracula and Snuffleupagus and Cookie Monster

I turn on Sesame Street. I'm like, "oh, Sesame Street. It's much better cause you can learn how to count and spell. Now, I'm watching it as an adult, and I realized Sesame teaches kids other things. It teaches kids how to judge people and label people. That's right. There's a character on there name Oscar. They treat this guy like shit, the entire show. They judge him right in his face, "Oscar, you are so mean. Isn't he kids?"

"Yeah Oscar, you're a grouch."

He's like, "Bitch, I live in a trash can! And nobody is helping me."

And you wonder why kids step over homeless people, "Get it together grouch. Get a job grouch."

Nobody tell me how to get to Sesame Street. That is a terrible place. I wouldn't go there if I knew. Who would want to live in a neighborhood like that, a 6 foot pigeon walking around, an elephant who's a junkie, "hi bird." Yeah, that's right Snuffy, "Hi bird, I'm sick. I need some snack bird."

And cookie monster with his eyes popping out of head, "Cookie! Cookie! Cookie!" Like uh, what kind of cookies are you talking about?

And they had the nerve to put a pimp on there. They did not come out and say he's a pimp, but I know a pimp when I see one. They call them the count. He had a cape and everything. He says the pimping, "Where is my money? You've been late 4 times. I've been counting. How many times must I smack you before you act right? Psh 1, psh 2, 2 smacks. Ha ha ha ha ha."

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Mixed South African Comedian Studies Black Culture in America Trevor Noah

Good Evening. I grew up in South Africa. That's where I still live, and I enjoy it. Grew in a time called the partite. For those who don't know, partite is a law in our country that made it illegal for black and white people to interact with one another. You know. It was against the law. So this law was awkward for me growing up cause I grew up in a mixed family. Well me being the mix one in the family. My mother was a black woman. Born in south Africa. That's part of the language is the click. My father is Swiss. They didn't care. You know. They were mavericks, fighting the system. My mom was arrested for being with my dad. She'll get fined. She'll get thrown in prison for the weekend. And still she comes back, "I don't care. I don't care. Come tell me what you love. I want a white man. Oooo." She's crazy, my mom. You know. And my dad, was also like Swiss. He can't have enough chocolate. So he was... He was in there. You know.

So they got together, and they had me, which was illegal, so I was born a crime, which is something they never thought through. Because as a family, we could not live together. You know. Like in the streets, we couldn't even be seen together. My father had to walk on the other side of the road. He would wave at me from afar like a creepy Pedophile. I didn't have to say creepy. I mean like a Pedophile. Creepy and maybe some other Pedophile. Actually there is none. There's no classy Pedophile. No need. Like, "Afternoon ladies. Afternoon. No. No. Just browsing. It's so classy." No. No. It's a Pedophile. My mom could walk with me, could walk with me. But if the police shows up, she has to let go of my hand and drop me. Then act like it was not hers, every single time. Cause we're suppose not to exist as a family, so my mom would let go. It's like a little game we play. Like police would show up, "whooow." She be like, "ooops. I don't know. I don't know. No. It's not mine. It's not mine." It was horrible for me. I felt like a bag of weed.

It was a tough time. The down side of being light was just that I was different. People mocked me, calling me names like mix breed, half cause. Why half? Why half? Why not double? Or twice as nice? I don't know. They can give you weird names. I wanted to be black to be honest. That's what I ever wanted. Especially when I was growing up, I met an American. And uh. He was shocked that in South Africa we have all these titles. He said to me, "Well you know. Trevor. If you come to America, they will label you as black. I said, "really?" He goes, "Hell yeah. Ha ha ha. Yeah, everybody is black out there. Yeah, you'll be super black." I'm like, "Well, that sounds good to me, super black."

I made a choice. First chance I get to America, I'm gonna get that piece of that black. And I did. I bought a flight. It was a 18 hours journey, Johannesburg to New York. I didn't sleep a wink. I sat there in my chair like a mad man, watching every single black american movie i can find, siting there, going crazy, practicing like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, you naw what I mean. Yeah. King Kong ain't got shit on me. Yeah. Yea." I'm like, "Oh sorry. The chicken please, the chicken. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah. Put it in your mouth. Yeah."

18 hours of flight, 18 hours of practice -- I landed in New York, and I was fluent in my black american, "Fo shizzle my nizzle." I had the walk. I was so black, even I was laughing. I was like, "ha ha ha. Yeah, ha ha ha. Oh my man. My man. Oh that's you? This you? This you? Ha ha ha."  That is the coolest thing in the world. Black Americans are so confident that they make you feel good about yourself just by asking if you are you. It's just magic. They just walk up to me, and "A yo, Aye Yo. Is that you? This you? Nah, nah. For reals man. This you?" And you'll be like, "yeah, I think it is." And I was that black.

I was super black. I was loving it until this guy walked up to me. He didn't even know me, didn't even know me. He tapped me on the shoulder, and was like, "Que paso? Que el anos? No? Come on papi. Que como?" I said, "Say what? Are you talking to me?" He's all, "Yeah, I'm talking to you, man. I'm just saying. We made it baby. We made it, yeah? Now that we are here. Our kind - We gotta stick together, hombre." Our kind? 18 hours of flying, and I was not black. I was Mexican. Mexican.

So I started learning Spanish. If not, why not. And I also started learning German. I learn German to connect with my father. You know. Lost contact for many years because of the partite, so now we started to learn each other, which is taking time. We are doing it slowly. I think the language will help me. You know. I don't think he's proud of me. He loves me, but I have not earned his pride. I think part of it is my job. As a comedian, I don't rank that high world of German anythings. Comes across in a small conversation. You know. One day we were having lunch, my dad looks at me, "Trevor, what do you do now, eh? You got a job? You work?" I said, "yeah dad, I'm a comedian, stand up comedian." So, "yeah, yeah, a clown, yeah?"

German is holding me back. I dream impressing him with his language. I go to his house one day. He'll welcome meet me at the gate, "Oh, ah, clown boy." I'll be like, "Guten tag father." It's epic. It gots that feeling. So I started learning. I learn in different ways. You know. Watch German movies. Play German speeches in my iPod. When I sleep, your brains remember things that you don't know. That is beautiful. The only hiccup was I downloaded some of Hitler's speeches. It's not like google warned me. Don't judge me. Google was not like, "not those ones." They just let me download everything. And uh. So I learned some of his nuances, not his philosophies. It's just that. I was told that when I speak german sometimes I sound like instinctively Hitler-ish.

Which I found out in Germany is not the best place to find out that you got Hitler vibes. I would rather find that at home. And uh. It's funny now, not much so then. I was in Cologne, Germany - Beautiful area. I would never forget. I was walking around. I went into like a sandwich shop - One of those subways where you make your own sandwich. I walked in. The woman was really nice to me. She was like, "Guten tag." I looked at her, and I was like, "Confidence Trevor. Confidence." I was like, "Guten tag. Ich en nine." At least she said I was black.

Monday, August 18, 2014

Bill Cosby talks about the Lord and Noah Behind the Scene Conversation

I want to talk to you by a fellow name Noah who built an ark. Now everybody knows when I ask you a question what he does. They will say, "Well, he built an ark." But very few people know the actual conversation that went on between the Lord and Noah. You see. Noah was a carpenter, and he was in his rec room, sawing a way, making a few things for the home there. "woo-pah. woo-pah. woo-pah."


"woo-pah. woo-pah. woo-pah."


"Who is that?"

"It's the Lord, Noah."

"Right. Where are you? What do you want? I've been good."

"I want you to build an ark."

"Right. What's an ark?"

"Go out into the woods collect all the animals in the world by two and make the ark out of cubic, 80 cubic, 40 cubic, 30 cubic."

"Right. What's a cubic?"

"Let's see a cubic. I used to know what is a cubic. Well, don't worry about that. Just go out and collect all those animals by twos: male and female, and put them into the ark."

"Right. Who is this really? What's going on? How come you want me to do all these weird things."

"I'm going to destroy the world."

"Right. Am I on candid camera? How are you going to do it?"

"I'm going to make it rain for a thousand days, and drown them out."

"Right. Listen. You do this, and you'll save water. Let it rain for 40 days, and 40 nights, and wait for the sewers to back up."


Friday, August 15, 2014

Bill Cosby describes Chess As the Game of Life Created by Women

The game of chess: supposedly men made it up. And it's about war, men, savageness, bravery, genius, commanding, moving, pieces... NO. It's marriage. The queen - moves anywhere she wants, picking off people. And what happens to the king? He's moving one square...

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Robin Williams Impression of Scotsman Inventing Golf in a Drunk Bar Whacking Away with A Stroke

If you want a linguistic adventure, go drink with a Scotsman. Cause you can't understand him before. You land in Scotland,  "Dude la in way. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. begin yeah. Fuk yah born la bored. Lick la luck in yeah. Sure. Fook yah. Sure eh? Creeks luck on the floor butt yeah eh. Oh sure. You dumb fookin bastards. You realize i'm here."

And then you realize how drunk they get. They wear a skirt, and not care. And all they can invent is a sport like golf, "Here's my idea for fookin sport. I knock a ball in a golfer hole."

"Oh you mean like pool?"

"Fuk off pool. Not with a straight stick, but with a fuk up stick. I whack uh ball, and goes in a golfer hole."

"Oh you mean like cricket?"

"Fuk cricket. I put the hole hundreds a yards away. Oh fukin yeah. It's great fun eh."

"Oh like a bowling thing?"

"Oh Fuk nooooo! Not thing? I put shit in a way like trees and bushes and high grass, so you can lose your fukin ball. Then go whacking away with giant iron. Whacking away with each time you miss like you are about to have a stroke. Fuk! That's what we'll call it. A stroke. cause Every time you miss, you feel like you going to fukin die. Oh fukin! This going to be brilliant. Straight at the end, I'm going to put a flat piece with a little flag - to give you fukin hope. But then I put a pool and a sand box to fuk with you balls again. I'll be there trashing your ass, jerking away in the sand."

"And we do this one time?"

"Fuk no! 18 fukin times."

Then we have a sport. We can dress like a pimp, and no one will care. Where you can wear clothes where a blind gay man will go, "Oh dear crises. Those are loud. This is no carnival.
 What the fuk are you on?"

Even the alligators are going, "Ass hole."

It's just an athletic, exciting sports too. I hit the ball. I get in the cart. I hit the ball. I get in the cart.

And the commentary are electrifying, "on the green. can people be quiet? I would like to hear the grass grow."

I want the guy that does Mexican soccer to do golf one time, "The ball going. The ball is going... Hoooooooooooooooooooole. Oh lay!"

Just to see all those motha fukers go, "Oh dear crises. Oh my. Oh shit."

They were the king. That  was their dominance until Tiger. Son of a black man and son of a Thai woman. Not even a German genetics can think of that one up. Black athletics ability, Buddhist concentration. Chi-Thai.

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

iLiza Shlesinger talks about Girls Night Out Fun Drunk Time About Hating Each Other

Girls hate each other. She hates you, especially during the day. But when the moon comes up and there is white wine involve, "Oh my gawd, Stacy! You look amazing! I freaking love you. You notice the more drunker you get, the more spanish you speaking. "Oh mama sita. Muy caliente. Whoooo! Freakin love you chica."

But the more love you give to one girlfriend, the more love you must take away from another girlfriend. It's how we keep balance in the girl universe. "I love you. I love you I do. You know who I hate -- BECKY! She's a bitch. I hate her; eventhough, she drove me here, and I"m wearing her top.  Can I just tell you that? Can you not tell her that? Will you promise? Do you... will you not tell her? Do you pinky square? Do you pinky square? Even when we are freakin grown women that pays taxes and votes... This is iron clad. Do you pinky square? Come here. Take my hand. I want to talk to you here. No. Like earlier. She was like being like a bitch. Like what's her problem. I was like why you been like so rude. What like are you like bi polar, maniac. Like I freely use these phychological terms that I don't know what i'm talking about. Wait. wait. Is she looking? Did she hear me talking about her? Pretend we are not talking about her. Is she gone? Like earlier she was like being passive agressive. And like crazy. And like Muahahahahahahah."

Like she was being like a freak. Disrespecting me. I'm like no. When you do it, it's fine. Right? Because we get each other. Because we are both pices, which means nothing. Do you want to do that? Do you want to do a girls night? Freak yah! Why don't you come over? US weekly, Jennifer Aniston, hangout, but actually, watch a movie, and braid hairs, boogie board, light as a feather, have some candy, have some cake, have some cookie, have some martini, and a low fat pizza, and a gawd damn muffin, have a piece of cake and grande, 50 shades of gray. Sounds great Cindy! Sit on your couch till 2AM with no boy to makeout with. You have Grace Ananotomy on dvd? Awesome. Pop it in let's, let's. Where's your brother.

Thursday, June 26, 2014

Christian Comedian, Michael Junior, Out Prays the Professional Priest

I remember going to church as an adult, right. For the first time I started going to church, and I would walk in. And the pasture said, "I want you to pray with your neighbor." And I'm like, "My neighbor don't go to this church. You want me to call my neighbor on the phone? That's creepy. I ain't going to do that."

And then he explained to me. Your neighbor is the person sitting right next to you. Listen. I'm brand new at this christian stuff. I don't. I don't even know I'm suppose to pray out loud. Let alone this lady.  I don't even know this lady. What am I suppose to pray about? "Lord help these bump goes down on this lady's face." I don't know what to pray about. I don't know what to pray about, right.

She went first, praying all good. She must have been John's Baptist Little sister. She was like, "Dear heavenly father, you said your word  in the sixth chapter, on the 33rd verse, the book of Matthew's, 600 first word on page 1248, Lord you said, but see as in search for anywhere, e as in excellent, k as in kingdom, alpha Lisa, jay ray, Jehovah, rota." I'm thinking, "Man she even knows her nick names."

Now, it's my turn to pray, right. But I don't have the spiritual vocabulary as this... But I am not going to let her out pray me, "So OK god. First of all  you are a good people. You know you are good. Lord, you were good to the last drop. Lord, uh. Lord, I just got obey
my thirst lord. You know cause choosy mom choose Jesus, so... Is the rocket red glare lord? It gave proof to the light lord. I believe I can fly. A men."

Monday, June 23, 2014

Gabriel Iglesias describes Indian People Robbing a Bank

I love and respect Indian People. I'm gonna tell you something right now. Indian people in the United States are the hardest working people that I have ever seen. And that's coming from a Mexican, okay. And I'll tell you why I say this. You will never seen an Indian person with a sign that says, "we'll work for food," in the United States. And you will never see an Indian person committing a crazy crime. Like when was the last time you remember an Indian robbing a bank. Everybody, "ah, I can't remember, bro." Cause it doesn't happen. First of all Indian people are so nice. And they are so  sweet. And I  can't see it. When you rob a bank, you need authority. You need come in gun blazing, "I said, get your ass on the ground now."

I can't imagine, "Would you please take the money. Why are you laughing?! I am talking to you. Forget this. I"m out of here. I don't need this."

He gets in the car. His partner waiting for him, "You get the money?"

"They would not give me the money."

"Did you show them the gun?"

"I show them the gun."

"We gotta to hurry. They are gonna call the police."

"They are still laughing."

"Where did you get the computer?"

"They thought I was tech support."

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Jerry Seinfeld take on Airplanes with their little tiny details: directions, seat belts, and the snotty look

And then you get on the plane. The pilot, of course, has to always come on the P.A. system. This guy is so excited about being a pilot. He cannot even stand himself, "Well, I am going to take it up to about 20,000. And then I'm going to make a left by Pittsburgh. And then I'm gonna make a right by Chicago. And then I'm going to bring down 15,000." He gives you all this room and all his moves. We are in the back going, "Yeah, fine. That's all... You know. Do whatever hell you gotta do. You know.  It end up where we're going on the ticket, really."

Do I ever bother him on what I'm doing? Knocking on the cockpit door, "I'm having the peanuts now. Yeah, that's what we're doing back here. Thought I keep you posted. I'm not going to have em all now. I'm just gonna have a few. I don't want to finish it cause it's just a big bag."

Then the stewardess has to come out, and they have to do their little emergency equipment show, you know. That thing they do as the other one raise and acts it out, "Hey we have seat belts and oxygen mask. These are the things for you to use." They show you how to use the seat-belt. Just in case you have not been in a car since 1965. "Oh you lift up on the buckle? oh? I was trying to break the metal apart. I thought that's how it works. I was going to try to tear the fabric part of the belt. I thought if I get it started."

Then they always point out the emergency exit. It's always with that vague point. Isn't it? Where the hell would these places be? Planes in a 90 degree angle. Your hair is on fire, and you are looking for this. How do you think? She is thinking I'm getting out before you're getting out. You're dead. You're dead. I'm gone.

And then they always have to close that first class curtain too. And they always give you that little look, "Maybe if you were to work a little harder, I wouldn't have to do this."

It's all tiny world on an airplane. Isn't it. It's always that little tiny table there for the tiny computer, food, cramped seats, tiny utensils, tiny liquid bottles, tiny bathroom, tiny sink, tiny mirrors, tiny faucets. So the small problem will be a slight delay, "We will be a little late."

I always go in the airplane bathroom. Even if I don't have to go, I always go in there. It's nice. It's like your own apartment on the plane. Isn't it? Go in there lock the door. The lights come on after a couple of seconds. It's like a little surprise party.

But i know with the amount of equipment they have in that place... I mean it's a little, but they have tissue, towels, closets, compartments. There's a tiny slots for used razor blades. They always have that. Who is shaving on the plane? And shaving so much? They're using up razor blades. Is this what's happening? what is it? Is the wolf-man flying for crises sake? Who can shave that much?

Thursday, June 12, 2014

Esau McGraw babysits his 3rd Grade Uncle

Got to get the money, so I can continue to avoid my family. They think I'm rich because I'm on tv. They all irregular man. Starting with my Grandma. Have 13 kids when she was way to young when she isn't suppose to. My mom also 13, get 8 kids of her own. She started getting them way to young when she isn't suppose to. I'm the middle of her 8. Long story short: I'm raising my uncle. He 9. I'm a grown man. He in 3rd grade. I'm his nephew. I pick up this punk from school. He jumps into my car, and he pulls up a family rant, "Fool make a left."

"I know where your house is. You living with me punk."

"When you go home. You better go to bed."

"No, you go to bed."

"No. you gonna go to bed."

"No. you gonna go to bed."

"You know my mama is yo mama's mama."

"I know. Yo mama is my mama's mama. Get your hands off my face uncle James."

My whole family is irregular. My cousin lost 115 pounds. They don't tell you is when you lose that much weight. You are gonna have all that extra skin left. This dude come to my house to go swimming. He took off his shirt. I'm like, "Man, what you doing, wearing that leather cape. Tuck your saggy back in. Nobody want to see that." He jump in the water. His skin expanded. He glide around the pool like a sting ray.

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

James Adomian loves Playing Gay Football at Center Position with the Hottest Quarterback

Hey Y'all, How you doing? Uh, I'm excited because football season is around the corner. Yeah, I play football for many years. I'm just curious. Anybody else here play football? No? Oh okay, I got a couple of them. Were you by any chance a closeted gay kid on the football team, like I was? That was fun. That was fun. I was really good at that. You should try it sometimes if you have eligibility. I was actually a center. That was the position I played, and center is the perfect position for a gay kid for the football team. Because you are the one bent over and you are hiking the ball through your legs to the quarterback, the hottest guy in the known universe. And that's your job. And you just like, "I'm ready whenever you are, Patrick." That's obviously not my radio voice, but that's still my inner closet voice that I carried with me. Outwardly, it's more like, "Alright dudes, let's show this other Christian team which side Jesus wants to kick ass. And I know what you want to do, Patrick. I don't need to know the snap count because I can feel the energy in your fingers. And you want the ball now. And now I gonna keep all the other boys away from you. You're mine." I was good at football. That's how  you play that sport. Well, I should change Patrick's name because he is a real guy. He's out there.

So I am gay. I'm openly gay. It's my thing. I'm a proud homo american. That's a weird. That's a phrase maybe George W. Bush would have used, "I'm proud of all those homo americans out there. And I'm solely salute for their service. But I firmly believe that the constitution between 1 man and 1 woman. God bless you all to death."

I'm gay. Sorry ladies. Your welcome fellas. Are there any gay people here tonight? I'm just curious. We got a few. That's alright. That's enough so we can fight our way out of here if we have to. Is anybody here in the closet? Uh, I thought I check as long as I'm asking. I think it would be amusing if you could pull off being a public figure and be openly in the closet. If you can somehow make that happen, like a comedian. Like, "it's my thing. I'm a comic, and I'm in the closet. What? It's my life. I talk about it on stage. You gonna see my show, you gonna see some hot closeted comedy.

The guy come on the street, and says, "I want to know you sexually." I look him right in the eyes, and I said, "Never mind what I said. The point is words were exchange. And maybe something else. You don't know. I'm telling it as it may or may not be, here in the closet. Open the door. Take a peek. Then close the door. We like it dark in here. I do my thing. You do your thing. I pretend to do your thing."

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Bill Burr on Marriage, Divorce, Equal Opportunity Women, and Why Titanic is a Scary Movie

How's it going? Great. It's nice to be here.

I'm at that age where everybody is getting married. Let me ask you question. Why do people keep on getting married? You know what I mean. Anybody looking at the stats? I mean 3 out of 4 marriage go right down the shit hole, right. If you were going skydiving, and they told you 3 out of 4 parachutes were not going to open, yo f this. I'm not going. I don't like those odds. I have a 75% chance of splatting on the ground. But there is something about getting married, people just have to do it, right? They are like, "Is this the one, to lose half my shit? Awesome. This is gonna be great."

Nah, I'm just kidding. I love women. I'm just not compatible with them. They have too much energy for me. They always have to be doing something. You know. They can't take a day off. You know. You can't get a day off when you have a girlfriend. They just like sees that open day. They'll be like, "Oh my gawd. Let's fill it up with shit." It just come with you with one horrible idea after another. They have the worse ideas. They do. Have you ever get this one? They'll be like, "Do you want to go to brunch? You want to go to brunch on Sunday?" Inside, you are like, "F-in no!" You can't say that. You got to keep her happy, right? So what do you do? You agree, "Yeah, let's go to brunch. What a great idea. Why would you want to sleep in on a Sunday. When you can pay $52 for eggs. Now you're thinkin." Then we can sit around, and listen to your friend make moronic conversation about the eggs. You know like, "Is that pesto? Is that pesto in your omelet? Oh, it's asparagus. It's asparagus."

I was dating this girl recently. She was really into women issues. You know. Like women always go on tv, and they say all they wanted to be treated exactly like guys. But if you listen to them, they don't. All they want is the good shit of being a guy. They are cherry picking. They look at a guy's life like a buffet, right? Like you start picking out stuff  like, "Staying for an hour. I'll take some of that. You paying for the movie. F that. You can keep that. No nah nah. That's nice. This is yucky.  That's icky." Come on people. You can't choose. This girl gives me shit. Why does guy get paid more an hour to do exact same job. I'll go I'll tell you why. Because in unlikely event when we are both on a titanic, and it starts to sink, for some f up reason, you get to leave with the kids. And I have to stay. That's why I get more dollar per hour. It's a dollar an hour surcharge. You hear a bump in the night. I got to go check it out, "Yes, he does have a knife." Anytime there is a hostage situation, who they negotiate for? "At least let the women and children go." Well, what about me! You think I want to stay in the vault, with 20 other sweaty guys, sharing a bag of peanuts. You know. Praying to god i'm not the hostage that get dragged out by the psycho, with a gun to my head, asking for the cops for a helicopter. Which I know he is not gonna get, right? I know he is not getting a helicopter. Now, I gotta make idle conversation with the 38 to my head, going, "Go for a rent a car. I think you should go for a rent a car."

See what I am saying. Where are all those feminist then? You can't find them. They have no feminist in a house fire. You can take the most hard core feminist, and go, "you showoff sonny bitch, you know." Little short hair cut you know. 2nd those flames break out, she twist those hair into pigtails, "I'm just a girl. I want to go play jump rope."

That's why I hate the movie, titanic. Every girl I meet, think that movie is romantic. It's irritating. "That's really romantic. Don't you think?" It's like, "No!" It's a f in horror film. Then they are always like why. Cause all the guys die. See you watch it, trying to relate, "who I'll be?" You will be that chick float away in that piece of luggage, right? I'm watching like who I be. I'll be that dude. The boat breaks in half. The dude falls straight down. Bang off the shit, and goes off the water. That's who I be. I'll be wearing a tuxedo. Not cause I wanted to, but because you wanted to dress up that night, right?

Bill Burr on Justin Bieber Epic Basketball Shot and Glaring Look

The Justin Bieber thing upset you at all? Or do you feel... I mean this is a guy who is getting alot of attention.

I have no problem with any of his behavior. Like if I was his age, and you know, I had, you know, like... What does he have? I really do not know what he has. Ferarri? A lamborgini

Something like that...

Yeah... Every chick out there wants to bang yah... Like how are you suppose to... how are you suppose to behave? Limos? He has a limo driver at 19, and he is not going to a prom. It's like he is going to an arena, where everyone is screaming his name. His behavior is completely normal. The only thing that I didn't like was that... that shot he was playing hoop.

It went viral I think. He was playing basketball, and he took a shot. It went in.

Yeah, he was playing with his black friend that he paying to lose. Dude, if that dude wins, he is onto the entourage. You know his phone is blowing up, and was like, "You don't understand how this works. I have to lose, or else I gotta get a job." I just didn't like... He hit a layup, a 12 footer. And then he turns around, and he's like glaring at the camera. Like I said he couldn't do it or something.

He does. He looks into the camera like, "I showed all of you."

I never saw Jordan do that.

There he is...

Like he just did something... Doesn't even look like the net was regulation. Like one of those. And he just sittin there... Nah, I'm just watching it, and having empathy for him. Like, "yeah, like that what I would be doing." I'm surprised he is not doing blow. That's what I would have done, right. And then I get that look, and I was just like, "you know what. Just F this guy." He is gonna look back, "I shouldn't have done that." He's 19 years old. I'm rootin for him.

Saturday, May 31, 2014

Baron Vaughn sings Disney Theme Songs Duck Tales, Dark wing Duck, Rescue Rangers, Gummy Bears

Around of applause if you have useless information in your head. Yes! Exactly! Speaking of music cause I have... I can't...can't get useless information out of there. You know. My brain just stacks up information like an episode of hoarders, and I can't... There's just things I can't just do anything... like it took me forever to figure out to be in a relationship... cause every time I want to put that somewhere, there's always someone like, "Sorry, Duck Tale theme songs are in here." That's them stacking the lyrics, fragmenting the lyrics.

And you know what that is not use for knowing that information. You cannot use that information in some sort of relationship in a fight that you might get into. Someone is like, "You know. I don't think you know how to communicate, relax, or just express yourself to anything to any human being. Any response to what I'm saying to you. "Life is like a hurricane. It is Duck Berg." What the hell are you talking about? "Race car blazing, airplane. It's a Duck Blur." And then she walks out and slams the door, which is great, and then I can freaking jam out man."Life, it's all a mystery or we rewrite history. Duck Tales. oooo oooo." I believe that was Pavlov was talking about. Yes. Wooo oooo. I was checking to see that is how you were feeling tonight.

By the way, I'm sorry if you just listen to that and you have no idea what I'm talking about. I'm sorry. I apologize if you do not know. I apologize to you as a human being if you do not know the early 90's Disney cartoon theme songs. Because it means you have missed out on THE definition of someone going for it. Because whoever sing those songs. Pulled no punches. There was a level of commitment that went straight into your soul. It's the closest... sadly, i think, the closest of my generation to Sam Cook or Marvin Gaye at their prime, at their prime... Donnie Hathaway commitment. Where you like, "Oh shit, is there danger right behind me?!" All of those. All those lyrics, such passion...

Cha cha chip and Dale, Rescue Ranger! Chip and Dale! When there's danger! Oh weeee oh Tale Spin. Oh wee aye. Tale spin. Dark wing Duck! Uh! Let's get dangerous! Goof troupe. We will always live together. Gummy Bears!

Then there's a key change that Aretha Franklin goes, "oh shit, I will live up to it."

Friday, May 30, 2014

Ron Funches Belongs in Oregon, and Loves the Muppet Babbies

My name is Ron Funches. I'm originally from the south side of Chicago, Illinois. Thank you. It deserves respect. Chicago is a rough place to grow up in. Especially if you are the only brother around the block that's bumpin Alanis Morissette. If you all want to know, I moved to Oregon, and I love it here. It reminds of Chicago with subtle differences. In Chicago, it was like, "oh snap, it's a crack head," Or "Oh snaps, it's a gang member." In Oregon, it has been, "oh snap? the blackberry season. It's a delicious situation I'm in.

Very happy that I left Chicago. I feel that I have never left I would have never tried some things that I would love and enjoy like ice coffee or white women. Those are both good. I'm just kidding. Coffee is gross. Every time I drink some, I get really sick, which leads me to believe I maybe allergic to energy, which I later found out it's not something you can put on a medical marijuana application. That's ridiculous. Marijuana has so many uses. when i have it, i write pretty much awesome jokes. When I run out, I still write pretty awesome poetry. I'm gonna share one with you guys, "I don't need new friends." That one is called just my thoughts.

Cause there's always one that tries to make me feel bad about what you enjoy. I call these people my parents-in-law. We have a weird relationship. I kind of treat them like a Walmart, which I'll explain. It means I really don't like going to them for anything. I prefer it that they stay out of my town, but I get a strange satisfaction from stealing from them. Glad that I'm not alone on that one. Mostly we don't get along cause they don't think I can smoke pot anymore now that I have a child. That I should be more responsible. I don't believe those things relate. In fact, I believe if we are going to sit around, watching cartoon, all day anyways. My son does not like the cartoon that I enjoy. We have to watch his.

I want to watch my favorite, like the Muppet Babies. Some people don't know the Muppet Babies. Everybody knows the Muppet. They did it, and have babies.  The babies were given a show, and it's a little weird. You can tell by the theme song. It starts off beautiful. It's just, "Muppet Babies will make our dreams come true. Bop doo wop doo. Muppet babies will do the same for you." And that part is beautiful. There were dreams coming true for everybody. But then it takes a turn. The next verse is, "If your room looks kind of weird and you wish you weren't there, then close your eyes, and make a believe. You can be anywhere. Oooo oooo." And that's pretty f*cked up. And I told my son, "If your room looks kind of wired and you wish you weren't there, do not make believe. Call the cops." They have made an error of some kind.

Perhaps I should get a real job, but they are so difficult to get. I don't currently have a good job hunting look I believe. You guys kindheartedly agreed. I have a useful look. I found out I have a look that makes a homeless go, "Can I have a... oh never mind."

John Mulaney is a Terrible Driver. He only knows about the Cosby Show.

Now when people make fun of me, I deserve it. Uh, I do. When people get mad at me now, it's all my bad. I'm a terrible driver. I know nothing about cars. I meant to learn about cars, but I forgot. Nothing that I know can ever help out with your cars ever. Unless you're like, uh, "Oh, I got a flat tire, does anybody here knows a lot about the Cosby Show?"

"Oh perhaps, I can be some assistance."

I'm one of the worst drivers I have ever seen. And I just want you to know that if you are in highway behind me. Uh I hear you honking. And I also don't want me to be doing what I'm doing. I don't like that I am in that lane either, but i sure like to get out of it.

I was on the highway in Texas recently. Highway filled with 13 years old, and I was on the far left lane. And as I was in the far left lane, it turned into a U turn, a U turn only lane. And I started to make a U turn. Then I panicked cause I didn't want to make a U turn, so I put the car in reverse. And then merged right back on the highway. The best thing about that was that after that, cars were pulling up, and looking over to see who just did that piece of shit move, expecting to see like a hundred year old blind dog whose texting while driving and drinking a smoothie. Instead they see a 28 year old, healthy man, trying his best.

Friday, January 31, 2014

George Bush and Waitress Asking for a Quickie

When George W. Bush was campaigning during an Ohio primary,
he and an assistant dropped into a small luncheonette.

"Oh, Mr. Bush," smiled the attractive waitress. "We're
so honored. Have anything on the menu on us. What would
you like?"

Bush studied the menu for a few moments and then said to
the waitress, "You know what I'd like, honey. I'd like a quickie."

The waitress slammed her pad on the table and said, "I
don't care if you are running for President, no one talks that
way to me." And she walked away.

"I don't know what she's so huffy about," said Bush. "It says
right here on the menu: quickie."

"Mr. Bush," said his assistant. "It's pronounced quiche."