Thursday, November 3, 2016


My sister freakin scared me this morning.  I was asking my mom if this is her money.  All of a sudden, my sister woke up and said, "That's my money!"  I was terrified and shocked.  I was like, "you are so dramatic and very emotional."  Yeah, I know.  First thing you wake up, and you start shouting -- so intense.  My heart almost jumped out of my throat. I was about to open my wallet, and give her all my money.  Worst yet -- I felt like putting my hands up because she acted like I stole her money or something. "That's my MONEY!!!!!"  I square -- I almost thought our neighbor was about to call the police.  And I was thinking an escape route at my own place.  Plus, my sister's new eye brow tat did not help the situation either.  She looks for very serious and animated, "That's my money!!!!"  All of that drama for 5 bucks. 5 bucks?1!? She acted like we stole a crap load of cash from her bank account.  

Thursday, June 2, 2016

Batman Never Fights Crime in the Hood in DC to face Convict by Dave Chappelle Star Search Edition

Thank you. Thank you. I don't know if Ed did mention this. I was recently in Black Entertainment Television. I kind of having feeling that most of you haven't seen it. I don't know why. Last week I went to the movie. You know what movie I have a problem with? The Batman Movie. Have you guys noticed? Batman never fights crime in neighborhoods that need it. You know. I would love to see Batman fight crime in my neighborhood. I can see him now. He just, "Robin."

"Yes Batman."

"Didn't we park the car right here man?

I'm telling you man. Growing up in D.C. D.C. is a crazy place to grow up. I had the most dangerous job in the district of Columbia. I used to deliver Pizza for Dominoes. They would rob me everyday. I had to get a gun, man. Have you ever seen a dominoes pizza boy with a gun? I used to bust some people's apartments... Just..."Poof... Dominoes freeze. Put the money on the floor, on the floor. Don't move. Alright."

Thank you. Thank you very much folks. I'm killing already. Like Ed mentioned. I am original from D.C. man. Alright I got some people from D.C. Good to see you alive folks. Let me tell you something. That is a dangerous city man. People end up doing whole bunch of crazy stuff. There is this guy in my neighborhood named Curtis. He used to walk back and forth on my block. Complained about stuff all day. Just you know, "Damn. Damn."

I said, "Curtis, What's wrong?"

"Man, everybody thinks I'm a drug dealer just because I have a beeper." I had to explain to him about something, "Curtis, you got to understand. 6 is young to have a beeper. Don't you think?" Oh, man.

I'm glad you guys are clapping about it. Cause Curtis got real mad at me. He got into his car and drove off. It's a nightmare man.

I was a bad kid myself, man. They turned me around. They sent me to this program called Scared Straight. That's where they send bad kids like me to prison, and all the prisoners are yelling at us like, "Err, Err." You know. Try to scare us to being good. I was heckling, "Ehhhh, shut up you convict. Like I'm going to take advice from you. You like a person who made all the right choices in life." I mean. You know. I don't want you think like I'm a bad guy. The only reason I said that because I knew they would not touch me -- until they did. The guy grabed me by my throat, "Huh, listen here boy. I'm going to tell you now. If you come to prison, you will be my woman." That worked too. Thank you very much ladies and gentlemen. You have been a lot of fun.

Thank you. Hey... Thank you guys very much. Like Ed said. I am gonna appearing in court. It's a crazy story. I'm eating dinner at a restaurant with my best friend. He has a little argument over the check with the waiter. The next thing we know... The owner, the manager, all the employees come out and beat the crap out of him, right in front of me. Kapow. He is suing them for half a million dollars. Kaboo. He probably win the case because the whole incident was recorded on video tape. Yeah. Now, I know what you guys are probably thinking. You probably saying, "Man, that Dave, is amazing." No, it's not. That's why me and my buddy always carry a camera recorder with us. Really. Everyone should cause you never know when the Kodak moment might pop up. We'll be hanging out, and be like, "Alright Dave, go ahead. I got you."

"You ready man."

"Go ahead do it."

"Alright, just be ready."

"Hey! Officer! Kiss my bootie!"

Friday, May 27, 2016

Witches and Bats are Scary in the Country House by Louis CK

I'm not a big animal person. Some animal I hate. Uh. Bats. I think bats are disgusting. I hate bats. I hate rats with leather wings. Have you ever seen one? They look around. It's like somebody. They have a face. It's disgusting. Hate bats. Oh I am sure there's a whole thing, "Did you know that bats make all the french toast in the world." Whatever. I don't care. Hate them. I had a bad bat experience.

It's summer. We rented a house in the summer for me and the kids. My ex wife shares custody with the kids. So one month with her and one month with me. We have a nice house out of the country. It's beautiful. The kids loved it. The kids go to sleep like 8 o clock at night. So I am laying awake. Terrified. Terrified. I'm so scared in this country. It's just quiet and just mystery. Trees and darkness. I live in New York City. I feel perfectly safe there. I'm surrounded by murderers, child molesters, Jews. Ha ha ha. There are, there are. There are bunch of those.

So one night I'm in the country house, laying awake, begging for the freakin sun to come up, so I can sleep through the day with the kids. I'm laying awake. My bedroom is near the kitchen. Suddenly I hear this sound, "hee hee hee." I heard that clears as a bell. Immediately my heart is pounding. I have a heart attack right now because there is a witch in the kitchen. First of all there are no witches. No doubt in that moment. So I go down stairs. I'm terrified. I'm standing outside of the kitchen door like this for an hour. Too scared to go in... A little of logic just seeped in. Even if there is a witch in there. She wouldn't just make a noise, and stand there for an hour.

So I go in the kitchen. I hear the noise again. And it was the dish washer. The dish washer has weird tubes. As the soap goes through them, it gets kind of vocal. It was the weirdest thing to see my dish washer do it. So I was like alright. It's cool. Fine. There is no witches. I was about to go upstairs, and a bat... A freaking asshole bat. He was like, "Hee hee." He flew right by my head like this... I went, "Ahhh." Fell on the floor. I immediately crawl into the closet. I closed the door and called 911 right away.

I don't if you ever called 911, and you don't realize that you shouldn't be calling 911. "911, tell us your emergency."

"Uhm I'm very sorry. Very sorry to be bothering you."

"Sir what's the problem."

"There's a bat in my house. And I don't like it."

She was nice to me because it was country 911. If you call 911 in New York City, "there's a bat in my house." He would be like, "Sir, we will send a car right over to shoot you in the face." But she was nice, "Sir, we understand. You are divorce. You are over staying in the country house. You are in over your head." She said, "Call this guy. He's the guy that takes care of bats. Bat is his focus." She did a lot of work, so she will not have to say the word batman. She was like going around. He is a male human. Bats are his... I'm not gonna say Batman. I'm not going to say it.

So I called the batman. He comes over. I'm in the closet, looking through the crack. The bat is on the ceiling, hanging upside down, looking around. It's the most disgusting thing. So finally there's a knock on my door. I crawled to the door, and I opened it. He was like, "Hello, where's the bat." I'm like, "Ahhhh." So the guy walks over, and he just takes the bat. That's it. He just took it. He was like, "Alright." I was like, "Yeah, you pretty much nailed it. That's amazing." It's like, "Help, there's a box of tissue on my table. Oh thank goodness. What a relief to have a man in the house. Would you like some sweet tea. Wasn't expecting company. Oh my rob fell open."

Thursday, May 26, 2016

Roasting David Hasselhoff, Pamela Anderson with Genie and Lamp Rubs by Gilbert Gottfried

Seth McFarlin. Come on everyone. Take it easy on Seth. It's gotta be hard for him to do a roast, especially because the Simpsons haven't done it yet. If only the Simpsons were wiping it's ass in front of Seth McFarlin, he can learn to do it too. But sadly Seth McFarlin's bulky ass is caked in layers of unwiped excrementing shame because the simpsons haven't done it yet.

Lisa Lampernitie. I saw lisa had a little trouble choosing what to wear this evening. She couldn't decide between the honey glaze or the pinapple slices. Lisa, I do have on question. Where are all those black guys you claim to be having sex with. Do you really think that this day in age there is a single black guy who would be caught dead inside anyone who is the size of a slave ship. Actually, Lisa has an important role in African American history. It turns out the last black man to pick cotton was yanking out her tampons.

Here's a joke. Pamela Anderson is walking on the beach. She stumbles upon a magic lamp. She rubs a lamp, and genie pops out. And the genie says, "I'm here to grant you one wish." Pam says, "I want you to make VIP the hit show it should have been." The genie says, "Even with all my powers I can't do that. Can I grant you a different wish?" So Pam says, "Ok, Can you make my vagina tight again?" And the genie says, "Let me take another look at VIP."

David Hasselhoff walks into a bar. Every morning and stays there until it closes. You know. I always heard that David Hasselhoff has sold millions in Germany. But like alot stories that are from Germany, those numbers are probably inflated if not a complete hoax. David Hasselhoff is running on the beach in slow motion. He stumbles upon a magic lamp. He rubs the lamp. A genie pops out. And says, "I'm here to grant you one wish." David says, "Can you make Baywatch Nights the hit show it should have been?" The genie says, "I've seen Baywatch Nights, and even with all my powers I can't make that show go any good. You have to pick a different wish." So David thinks and says, "Can you make Pamela Anderson's Vagina tight again?" The genie says, "No, no, a thousand times, NO. There's nothing that can be done about Pamela Anderson's vagina. Then David Hasselhoff says, "Ok, can you make me a great singer?" So the genie's thinks and goes, "Alekazam, you are a great singer." David Hasselhoff immediately embarks in a singing tour. And the genie laughs his ass off. He goes, "Oh my gawd, look at that David Hasselhoff, thinking he can sing. What an asshole."

Friday, May 20, 2016

How to connect with People by John C Maxwell

How to connect with people. I just wrote a book. It came out about 3 weeks ago. It's entitled, "Everybody Communicates, Few connects." It's very true. Isn't it? Everybody talks. Have you ever seen people when they talked nobody was home? Have there been a time when you listen to somebody, and you want to raise your hand? Then tell them it's okay. They can quit. You all are too young for this. But when I was a kid, they had a TV program called the GONG show. And the GONG show would simply when you talked and nobody want to hear anymore, they just a big mallet and just gonged you. I said dear god we need a gong in every church. In fact, when I did the book, Everybody Communicates, Few Connects, I put it on my blog last September. And release a chapter each week. Then take it off, and put the next chapter on for the next 10 weeks. Over thousands of people read the book with me on the blog. I ask them to come back and talk to me. I said, "As you read the book, tell me, give me a good story. Give me a better quote. Help me. Help me improve the book." And they started to improve the book, literally by the hundreds and then by the thousands. We literally changed 7 things in each chapter. We rewrote the book. And then I discovered. None of us is smarter than all of us. And some of my best thinking has been done by others. I told them that I give them credit. I literally put their pictures on the cover of the book. Put their name on the inside, the pictures on the inside. I told hundreds of people that I will give them credit. I didn't tell them I give them royalty.

Jesus was the great connector. If anybody ought to know how to connect, it gotta be his children. Yet to be honest with you. I find some of them not even close, not even close. Let me define connecting. Connecting is the ability to relate to and identify with people in such a way that it increases your influence with them -- the ability to identify with and relate to people in such a way that it increases your influence with them. When we do it right, influences increases. What did Jesus say? He wanted to be soft. He wanted us to be light. He wanted us to connect in such a way that fulfill the Great Commission that everywhere we went -- we can draw people under him.

I want to give you three simple connecting thoughts tonight. These thoughts are going to be applied to your spiritual life. It could be applied to your business life. These thoughts can be applied to your family life. Thought number 1 about connecting -- very simple -- connecting is all about others. That's the grand foundation and principle about connecting. It's not about you. It's not about me. It's all about others. I was in my 20s in Dayton, Ohio. And I didn't understand this. I was a pasture, and I thought connecting, as a leader, was getting everybody to buy into my vision, to get others to get to the things I love -- the principle that I held that was true. I was constantly working hard on getting people to buy into me and to buy into everything around it. I was constantly, "Come on. Come on to the team. Here. Here. Come and join us. Here where's we going. Let's get on the train." When I was in my 20s in Dayton, Ohio, I heard a man say, "If you want to help people, first get what they want. Then they will help you get anything you want." It literally changed my life. It was a eureka moment for me because at that time I realized that I was approaching, connecting the wrong way. I was trying to come where I was and connect with me. And so many times I see leaders, basically leaders who are up on the mountain and looking down at people, "Hey folks, hey folks, come on up. Come on up. I am up here. Come on. Let's go." You've heard the expression. It's lonely at the top. A leader never said that. You are on top alone and nobody is following you. If you are on top all alone, you are not a leader. You are a hiker. And in my early years, I tried to get people to come to the top. I try to get people to join the team. I try to get people to get on the train. And I didn't understand that I have to get off the top. I have to go find the people. I gotta go where they are. And when I find where they are. They hey, guess what? I can help them go to the top together. That's why leader never cross the finish line first. People who cross the finish line first are running alone. You see. Leaders never cross the finish line first because when they come across, they bring people with them. Connecting is all about others.

Now, I look back at my early ministry. I know why I didn't understand that. I was immature. I was immature. Immature people don't think of others first do they. They immature because they think of themselves first. That what makes them immature. I know you are saying, "Let them get a little older. Then they grow up." Not necessarily. Maturity does not always in company with age. Many times age comes alone.

I share with you. I have 5 grand-daughters. We live in Atlanta. Our two oldest granddaughters, at that time, Hannah and Maddie, were 5. At that time, Maddie and here family lived on the west coast California. We were in Atlanta, so the cousins did not see each other alot. When the cousins got together, they always stayed at our house. Every morning, every morning, when Hannah and maddie, these cousins, 5 year old cousins, they come down to the living room. In the morning, they call me papa. That's my name. They call me papa. The called Margaret, Mimi. In fact before the first grandchild was born, I want them to call me mimi. I say I like that, but I don't want them to call me pee pee. So they call me papa. Every morning they have a list for me. You see. Hannah and Maddie thought God created Papa to server them. Oh yeah, they are five. And they come down and say, "We want to do this and this." They would give me the list. I just hang with them. Whatever they said, I think it's my responsibility to spoil the grandchildren. After all, that is what grandparents are for. So we had our list, and we go towards our day. I promise you. We live on the golf course, so they wanted to get on the golf cart. And they wanted to ride around the golf course. And John, he was two, followed along. He was allowed to because of Hannah and Maddie. John was named after me, so he gets the inheritance. We get on the golf cart. Before we get on the golf cart, Hannah and Maddie would say, "Papa we are hungry. We need snack. Which means the first thing we go is between the 9th and 10th hole. We all go and sat down. We all ordered the same thing -- Hot-dog with Ketchup, potato chips, candy bar, ice cream, diet soda. I know what you are thinking. You are saying, "That's not a very healthy diet." I know that. I don't care. I'm a grandparent. Trust me I fed my kids healthy stuff. It doesn't help. It doesn't help. There was only one rule, and that is they couldn't tell. They couldn't tell the parents because parents are paranoid with such things. So that was our secret during dinner time. When they were not hungry, the parents could not figure it out. Hannah and Maddie looked at me with a wink and a thumbs up. Now they are 5 years old. Everyday they had a agenda for me. It's all about them. Not one time. Not one time. They come down and said, "Papa, we've been thinking. You have done so much for us. What could we do for you?"

You see. It doesn't enter the 5 year old mind that they should do something for someone else. It's ok when you are 5. It's sad when you are 35, and 45, and 55 when you have not figure it out. It's not about you. The first very simple principle of connecting is all about others. Leaders understand that the day they take up leadership -- they give up the right to think of themselves first. Leaders understand that the day they become leaders -- no longer they live for themselves. If Jesus were here and was talking about leadership, he would tell you that leadership is servant hood. That's what it is. It's not about titles. It's about towels. And only the secure can stoop, only the secure. Insecure people cannot do that. It's all about others.

I followed the founding Pasture in San Diego. Great man has been there for 27 years. Done a terrific work. In fact, he is still alive today. He is 90. He is a precious godly man. The church adored him. He was out a little bit of energy, so I came in. I had the priviledge, trying to serve him and Congregation for the next several years. I have only been there for a few months. I looked at a lady named Sue who husband was named was Harry. I noticed Harry had not been to church for the last couple of weeks. I said Sue I'm missing Harry. Is he okay? She said, "Well, he is ok. He is having a little problem with you. He loves Pasture Butcher. You are new. And he is feeling guilty because... He felt pasture Butcher was everything to him. He just missing him. He is trying to stay away right now. Trying to figure it all out." I said I understand. Is he willing to talk to me." I said, "I know you love Pasture Butcher. Can you tell me about him? Would you please? Tell me all the reasons you love him... I want to listen." For the next 40 minutes, that dear precious man cried as he talked about that Pature Butcher burried his parents. Married his kids. Baptized the family. Talked about the wedding. Talked about the incredible things that the pasture gets to do with people. Now about 40 minutes, he is crying. I am crying. I said, "Harry, I understand. I think I need to share something with you. I give you permission harry to always love Pasture Butcher more than me. To be honest with you, I could never take his place. He should be number 1 in your life. I should not be number one. I should not even be number 2. But I do know this, I should not feel guilty him being your number one. He is your pasture. He was your pasture. Always keep him where he is. Always love him. Just give him all your love. Harry you got me permission. Don't ever feel guilty about it. You should always love him first. Now harry, I do have a request for you. If after you are done loving pasture butcher first, if you have any love left over, maybe just a little bit, it could you just throw it my way." He said, "Are you kidding?" I said, "I not kid at all." One day he puts his arm around me and said, "Guess who?" I said, "It's Harry. It's Harry." He said, "I just want to give you a hug. And tell you that I have just a little love. Just a little love, left over." Can I tell you something. There is nothing worse in this world than an insecure leader who somehow thinks that the world should worship him. Get a life. Understand. It is not about you. Connecting is all about others.

Number 2 -- connecting requires energy. One of the reason that we do not connect as much as we could or should is because there's a tremendous requirement of energy that we have to continually expand to connect. Can I tell you? The only difference between a great dating life and an average marriage is you worked harder when you were dating. Of course you did. Everyday you got up and said, "How can I please her? What can I do for her? What could I buy for her? Is there something I can do that add value to her? Everyday you got up, it was all about the other person. The day you get married, you said, "Oh my god. How are you going to meet my needs?"

Number 3 -- Connectors find common grounds. They understand they have to find common grounds. The great connectors find common grounds, and lift them to higher grounds.  Once we connect them to common ground, then we bring them to higher ground.

Wednesday, May 18, 2016

Why Dawn of the Planet Apes should have more Asians and Gay people in the Movie by Bobby Lee

It's getting better for Asians on TV and movies, but it's still not good enough man. We are still not in movies where we are suppose to be in. We are suppose to be in the movie, Dawn of the planet of the Apes. I will tell you why. That movie is set in San Francisco. Have anybody been in San Francisco? There's a lot of freaking Asian people. Not one in the movie? There's a lot of gay people in San Francisco. Not one gay person in that movie. What kind of San Francisco is this? Put one gay guy in it... you know. "Get away monkey. No monkey. No." In the restaurant, an old man says, "Come here monkey. Come her mofo. I will tell you. Don't be afraid monkey. Come in here." The monkey walks in, "You got freak up. This is going to be good."

Hollywood does a lot. They made a movie called 21. It's a bunch of MIT students, going to Vegas. In real life, the MIT students were mostly Asians. When they made the movie, they cast mostly white people. Like we are not going to notice it. That made me so angry. That's why I'm going remake white films and put Asians in it. I am going to remake brave heart. I'm going to put asians with really bad accent. Nobody is going to able to say William Wallace.

Monday, May 16, 2016

What to do on the First Date, Step by step Guide by Mr. Bean Rowan Atkinson

Good Evening. Welcome to the University of London. This is the 14th part of our course, Elementary of Courting for Men. Tonight we look at the first date. Obviously taking out a girl for the first time is a very complex issue. The first crucial step is... not to look like a complete idiot when she opens the door. Best to take your attention like you have been distracted. But when your attention is there, it is vital to tell her how pretty she is looking, straight away, but don't over do it. If at this point you are introduced to her parents, attitude is all in important. You can be too casual. You can be too keen. When you say good bye to the parents, again don't over do it.

Lead her to your car. There are various ways of driving. If you drive like this, you might lose her respect. If you drive like this, you should have taken a taxi.

Before long, you have arrived at the restaurant. Tuck your date into your seat. And ask the waiter for the wine list. Selecting from the wine list is important. Completely ignorance is not cool. When the bottle arrives, there is much of a tasting of it, but don't be too professional. With eating, again, moderation is the order of the day. Don't eat too fast, but don't eat too slowly. Next is receiving the bill. This is a very important moment. You must be sure not to lose your cool. This is right. This is wrong. The girl may offer to pay for the meal for herself. In which case, you should refuse, for a while.

Then we are going to look for a fashionable disco. This will make a difference. Most people don't know how to dance, so do too much. Other people do too little. Some people dance if there was something up their bottom. And some other people dance like there's something coming out of their bottom. Once said and done, it's prolly not to dance at all. The well mind sporting injury is always useful -- a good excuse for leaving.

Wednesday, May 11, 2016

The Best Way to get More Quality Tinder Tindr Dates by Liz Miele

There is too much internet. There's all these new dating websites. There just funny at this point. They are not even helpful. It's kind of ridiculous. The new one is called tindr or tinder.

You guys know what tinder is? I would love to tell an old man what tinder is... It would bring me joy. Even if you don't understand any of it. I know you would be prolly upset, holding your grandchildren like, "I'm so sorry. This is what you have to do in life." I just had to buy a girl a Popsicle and that was your wife. Well, that is how it use to be. Now there's made up words and apps and stuff.

This is what tinder is sir... Tinder, all it is, is an app on the smartphone. I don't know if you know what an app is... Then you are already lost. All it a face, name, and an age. Alright. So face, Jason, 30. That's it. From that information, you are either interested in Jason face or you are not into his face. You prolly not. So you press that X in the corner. It goes no across his face, and he flutters away.

Not going to freak that guy, not gonna freak that guy, not gonna freak that guy. No, not gonna freak that guy. Just that for 20 minutes. I'm like, "Oh my gosh. This is so fun. I'm amazing at dating. Really. It's like the Angry Birds of dating. It's an addiction that cannot be justify. It can't really be a dating tool. It's too fun to be a dating tool. There is actually another step. And if you are really into Jason face, there is a heart. You press the heart. If he also presses the heart, it opens up into a chat room. Then you just start talking... We are all ok with this.

All I know for sure is that this dude has a nose, and now we are talking. Sorry that is not enough information for me. I have preliminary questions. Question number 1: Do you have a job? I don't have a job. If you also don't have a job, it's like eye contact for 3 days -- fast relationship. You need to be busy for us -- for our future. Question number 2: I need to know if you are uber religious. I'm so nonreligious. I don't want to go into any big building or read any big books. If you prayed for anything like a parking spot for the last 6 years, I'm not into it. Not going to work out. Question number 3: I need to know if you live in long island. I live in Brooklyn. I don't care how hot you are. I'm not going to long island. At this point, if you don't live at least 5 blocks from my apartment, I don't know if we can even be friends.

Tuesday, May 10, 2016

How Italian Weddings Culture is like by Sebastian Maniscalco

Plan a wedding: Italians do it a lot different than most people when it comes to wedding. Italians don't register at bed bath and beyond. We don't bring a toaster to a wedding. Italians bring cash, OK. We put it in an envelope. Sometimes there's not even a card. Just Cash. With a post-it note - Congrats.

Now the bride and groom know they are getting cash. They are sitting there with a satin bag that says cash in diamonds. And people walk in, and you know, they make their deposit.

Some people don't give the cash. They hold on to it. They wait until dinner is served. They go to dinner. They are eating the chicken. Chicken is kind of dry. They take a hundred out of the envelope, "The food stinks. Take a hundred out."

Then at the end of the wedding, the bride and groom go up to the room. Before they do anything, they start opening these envelopes. Now, the groom takes out the black log book. What they going to do is they log the amount and the name that everybody that came to the wedding, right. So she will be like, "How much did Tina leave?"

"Ten dollars."

"Cheap bastards, 10 dollars."

The reason for this folks is because when Tina gets married... You go back to the book, and you look up Tina.

"You put 10 singles in that envelope."

Monday, May 9, 2016

How to treat a Nerd at work by Dane Cook

There's always that one creepy person somewhere in your life. I guarantee it. That's just when you were little. Then when you finally grow up, nee nee nee. That is the sound of growing up. Even now, at your job, there's a freak. There's a weird guy at every job that make you concern whenever he is around. And the strange thing about it. It's the same guy at every single job you go to. Right? He's there. You quit. Then you go to the new job, and you are like, "Oh my gosh. Is that the same guy from the other job? That's the guy -- The scary guy. Why am I talking at such a high voice. It's ridiculous. It makes no sense."

I can describe the guy. I can tell you right now. I can list all the features of this guy. First of all, he is not a fat guy. You would not say he is fat. He is shapes. He is like an amoeba. He has a different consistency like a lava lamp type of individual. He walks around very slow. He got this perfect orb, front butt right here. "What is that? It's perfect." It's like he has a botanical garden, and he growing potatoes on his tats. "What is that?" You want to see it, but you don't. You want to see, but you are awesome.

Nobody talks to that guy. He got those Blu blockers glasses on. You never sees his eyes. He gots the pocket with the jubilee of pens, coming out there. Just in case he has to write a lot. And nobody talks to that guy.

And if you were in the break room with a couple of friends and you see him coming morphing in out of your periphery, second he comes in, they like "Do you guys want to get the freak out of the break room? What do you guys want to do? Let's go up on the roof and break dance. Let's just go behind the vending machine. Can someone pull the vending machine, so I can go behind here? Move the machine please. Please."

Nobody talks to that guy. Let me tell you something. Any job that I had in my life. I talk to that guy. I would talk to him. I would find him on purpose. I would have little chit chats with him. I will be interested, I would be like, "By the way, here's a Snickers. It's for you. Peanuts and caramel. Put that in your mouth. Enjoy that."

You know why I talk to that guy. On that day finally comes, when he snaps, and comes to work with a shotgun, walking in the hall, "Pow. Pow. Pow." When he finally gets to my office, he'll be like, "Thanks for the candy."

Pow, Pow, Pow.

You laugh now, but you know Monday morning, you'll be like, "Hey, Marcus. How's your weekend. What did you do? Here, I bought some pens for your crazy pocket. I know you love pens. I love pens too. We should talk about pens some day. Inks, pens, caps, I love them.

Tuesday, May 3, 2016

Why Back to the Future is the Weirdest Movie by John Mulaney

Back then we would go see movies, any movies, like back to the future. That was the movie that everyone can see. Kids can see it. Great movie, right? I re-watched it recently. It's a very weird movie. Marty McFly is a 17 year old high school student. Who's best friend is a disgraced nuclear physicist.

And I shed you not. They never explained how they became friends. They never explained it. Not even in a lazy way like, "Remember when we met in the science building?" Like they don't even do that. And we were all fine with it. We were like, "What? Who's the best friend?"

A disgrace Nuclear physicist?

Alright, proceed.

What a strange movie to sell, to be a family movie. 2 guys that had to go in and do that -- They had to be like, "Ok. We got an idea for the next big action family comedy. Alright, it's going to be a guy named Marty. And he is very lazy. He always sleeping late."

Okay. Is he cool like Ferris Bueller?

No. But he does have his best friend. You know. Who is a disgrace Nuclear Physics.

I'm confused here. This best friend. Is it another student?

No. No. No. This guy is like 40 or 80... Even we don't know how old this guy supposed to be. But one day the boy and the scientist go back in time, and they build a time machine. Whow.

Ok. I see where you are going here. They build a time machine. And they go back in time. And they stop the Kennedy Assassination.

Ah... that is a very good idea. We didn't even think of that.

Alright, do they do with the time machine?

Well, now, I am embarrass to say. Alright, alright, we thought it would be funny... You know... If the boy, if he went back in time... You know... And tries to freak with his mom... I don't... We thought it would be fun for people... Good point. He doesn't get to. He doesn't get to. His family friend name Bif... He comes in and tries to rape the mom in front of the son. The dad has to beat the rapist off of her. And we are going to imply that a white man wrote the song, Johnny be good, so we are going to take that away from him.

Well this is the best movie idea that I have ever heard in my life. We are going to make 3 of them. You say they are going to the past. How about we call it Back to the Past.

No. No. No. Back to the Future.

Right. But you say. They go to the past.


Friday, April 22, 2016

Boy Band Sausage Party featuring Bobby Lee's Butt Tattoo Hosted by Steve Bryne

I would like to tell you all about my dream that I thought I would fulfill here tonight. Now, I was up here earlier, talking about different kinds of music. How I don't like dancing. That's not true. I love dancing. Love it. And one of my dreams was to always be in a boy band. Yeah. And I thought to myself, "You know what Steve. You are only one. You need a few more members." See, I want to create my own boy-band.

I just need a few good men. You, come on up here. You, up here. Come on up here. Get up here. I need your demographic. Let's go mustache. Yeah, let's go. Wait. Hold on. Oh yeah. Look at this one. With the glasses. Let's go. With the glasses. Let's go. I need that heat. Alright, good to see you fellas. Good to have you. Come up here. Alright gentlemen. Move it down a little bit. Let's just stand on this line here. Ok. Wow. Give them a round of applause. I got to grab something.

Here's what's going to go down. I am going to walk you girls. And I repeat. You girls. You are not men yet. What are you laughing at. I am going to, repeat, the hottest dance routine that you have ever been a part of in your life. For example, when I do this. What would you do? You would copy. You will follow my heat. Keep up. Now, eventually I am going to post up. What happens when I post up? You all kick back and relax. Why? Because I will jump start solo style. See. Each one of us is going to show case off our own hot moves for one special one lady. As you all know. In every boy band video, they only pick one girl. And this girl is america. She sitting there. Basically, going, "There is so many flavors. I do not know which one I want." So we need america up here. Boom. Let's go. Girl in the white. Come on up here darling. What's your name? How about that for amber everybody. Amber, you have a seat right there. Thank you. Your welcome.

As you all know, every boy band, they all have their real full names. Not tonight. We are going to make it more marketable. We are going to give each one of these gentleman a cute boy band nickname. Ok. What is your real full name, my friend?
Are you illegal? How come you can't tell me the whole... I just want to get a vibe from you.
Alonzo Margariana
Ok ok. Cute one. You are going to get a cute boy band name. Tonight you are going to become Prison Freak Toy.
Real Full name
David Mutree
You get uncle creepy.
Real full name
Jay Park
Good Good. here is something about this gentleman. Very nice guy. Sweet demur. Behind close doors. Sexually he is a degenerate. Stay away ladies. He is a bull in a china shop. You hear terms like Donkey Punch. Dirty Sanchez. Who does this? He does that? Ok. Tonight. You become Tequila.
Real Full name
David Wright

Ok, i have a gift that my friends know about. I can put my hand in front of somebody's hip, and get their sexual history. Oh, romantic. Hold up. I will go down the line. Quick. Very quick. I'm not getting anything. I will come back to you. Don't take offense to that. I can't. I just...

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

NBA Detroit Piston and Indiana Pacers Brawl Fight versus the Fans by Bill Burr

I had a wierd experience when I came down here. It was in Nashville, right. It was a sort of awkward social situation, right. I was sitting in this bar. There was this white dude sitting 2 stools away. I don't know him. He doesn't know me.

And that Latrell Owen story was in the sports news. I tried to make conversation. "Hey, look at this guy. This guy just signed a 40 million dollar contract. He is already complaining. How much money do you need to make?" And the dude looks at me, "You know what i say?" Then he looked over his shoulder, which I now know is the tale tale sign that the N word is coming. And it's coming hard.

Oh yeah, it's not going to be pronounced with the A. It's going to be with the R. And he hit the R - like he stuck the landing. It was like a dismount. Clan members high fiving in the background. Like doing the wave. Just out of nowhere.

Now, immediately, I'm looking over my shoulder. Like dude, "What the hell you doing?" You know what I mean. I'm just waiting for this hail of black fist, coming, raining down on top of me. I hate when people do stuff like that. That dude made me a part of a potential butt kicking that I have nothing to do with. You don't do crap like that. You just have that word. Hot potato. He just threw it on my lap. "Aye." Try to pass it down to the next white dude.

I hate when people do that. It's like dude. Feel me out first. Ask some basic questions. Do you like to fish? Have you ever kissed your sister, right? I start rattling off answers. Then you go old school. You give me a pamphlet. You don't just dive right into it.

I like violence man, not when it happens to me or I see it live. I like watching it on tv, seeing people attack by animals. Just get blasted in the face or something. I'm a huge sports fan. My favorite moment of last year was Detroit pistons and Indianan pacers brawl. Wasn't that great? That was one of the greatest thing I have ever seen. I was so confused when I watched ESPN when they say, "that was absolutely disgraceful... basketball fans. .. "

I'm a basketball fan. I loved it. I thoroughly enjoyed to see an out of shape civilian the crap kicked out of him by professional athletes. It was fascinating. I think as sports fans. We kind of had it coming. How many times do you go to a game, right? You get a little to drunk. You start to scream at some dude on the field who can clearly kick the crap out of you, right. You saw him in the parking lot. You be like, "Hey can you sign my stamp collection? I think you are awesome." You get in the game. "You suck. YOu are a piece of crap." And then they always calling them up. "come on up here. naw, come on up here. " Well, they came up there. They did. They kick the crap out of everybody. It was great. It was like a cartoon.

They beat up whole rows of people at once. I love every second. I love how Ron artest punched the wrong guy. wasn't that great? He taught that dude a valuable lesson in life. When crap goes down, you just don't stand there like you are watching a movie. "wow, it's coming right at me. Must be in 3d or something." He is an idiot. "Well, I still have my cup intact. It's totally not me." He's an idiot. Pow pow.

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

TV Romantic Comedy Love Scene is Over Rated by Bill Burr

We fight a lot over television. I don't know. She comes my way. I come her way. She watches a little sports. I occasionally watch Romantic Comedy, which I don't care. The nerds freak the cheerleader. I watch it right. I don't mind him. It's an uplifting story. I just don't like the love scenes in Romantic comedy. They creep me out. They are just freaking nice. It's like missionary style, candles, and the stupid saxophone music. Blah, blah, blah, and it always goes down. Like the saxophone implies the penetration, right. Cause they can't show it. They have to make it one dimensional -- this little angel. They ignore the other 90% of sexuality -- no hair pulling, no butt slapping, none of that crap, none of that taboo stuff of a women sexuality that is never brought up. You know. The whole, hold me down, but let me up. Choke me, but let me breathe, but scare the crap out of me a little bit. I want to feel your power, but let me be safe. You know. If you really want it... That whole 50 shades of rape. Whatever that is...

I don't even pretend to understand it. I remember the first time that a women wanted to get like choke her a little bit. I don't even know what she was doing. I was just so hype to get laid. She just kept on taking my hand, and kept on putting it like right here. I didn't know what she was doing. I thought she was testing me core strength. Finally i was like, "what are you doing?"

"I don't know. I was like hoping you would squeeze a little bit. Why don't you want to do it. It would be fun."

Why I don't want to do it. I don't think I want you to pass out naked women with my finger print all around her neck. Having the cop show up. "Yeah, she is in her officer. I square. It was her idea."

Yeah, they always make it nice in those movies. The raciest they ever do is like kiss up against the wall. I guess women likes wall. I didn't know that. There is alot of up on the wall, kissing. "Oh my gosh, it's the wall. Maybe it will support me. Or maybe he will support me. It's a metaphor. I love it."

Yeah, I saw that the other night. They were doing that. Then out of nowhere they started to get crazy up against the wall. I was like finally something more interesting. They were doing it, facing each other, missionary style. Arguably the most difficult position there is. They were doing it with little with no difficulty.

All she did was lift her leg like this. That was it. And he was off to the races. That ruined the movie for my wife. That is freaking bull crap. Bull crap. What does they guy have? A u shape wanker. He was not like doing anything. Did he greased up her thigh? If all she is doing is this? She has to bring it up. If not, you got to make some adjustments. You have to grab the other leg, and pick it up. I tired of this. I cannot do anything that create any sort of damage. I cannot even feel you. I cannot even rock your world.

I'm not trying to be rude, but every woman is heavy. Yeah, you are heavy. You are an adult female. when did you stop picking up your kids, 5 or 6? I'm like, "get off of me for great sake. You are going to throw out my back." Adult woman weighs 115 pounds to 120 pounds to all the way up to... And it's not balance weight. Most of it is in your thighs, your butt, your heads hanging off. Yeah, it's ridiculous.

Sunday, February 28, 2016

Back to the Future -- Comedy Material Workout

Today you see them as they are. It's a fact. Take the fact and use it to create another dimension of jokes. We accept today's premise as they are, leaving it as they are, and find your exaggeration somewhere in the future. Use your creativity to go beyond the limit, take it to the limit.

The future is yours to create. Open your imagination to any possibilities. Be inventive, be innovative, be creative, be wild with your imagination. Have fun creating a humorous future.

Traffic may eventually stop, everyone get out of their cars, pave over the whole mess, and start over again.
traffic may eventually get so bad that wealthy people will be born with a silver parking spot in their mouth.
Traffic is getting so congested. Today you have trouble finding a parking spot. Someday you may have trouble finding a moving spot.
Pretty soon you may not be able to pull onto a freeway until somebody dies and lets you have his place.

- today's generation gap
- the greenhouse theory; science says that the earth is getting warmer
- the pollution problem
- salaries of athletes
- the cost of housing
- the skimpiness of bathing suits
- poor workmanship
- adult language in films
- new technology
- sources of energy

Saturday, February 27, 2016

Bending Abstract Ideas -- Comedy Material Workout

Adjectives are adjectives, describing something or someone. How can we make a statement, and deliver the message to the audience. We want the audience to say, "Oh snap! Really?! That bad, huh. Or That good, huh." If the person is lazy, how lazy is the person? If the place stinks, how much stinkiness is it? Any adjective that describes a person, place, or thing must have some kind of degree or level of exaggeration. How nice is the place? How mean is your spouse? How rough was the lawyer to you? How smart or dumb is your friend? How cheap is your parents? You get my point. Let your mind expand on the idea. As long as the concept is intact, within the comprehension, the abstract concept of the adjective, such as how lazy, how cheap, how stupid, etc, can standout, magnifying the point, which will probably, mostly highly, lead to laughter, or at least an "ah" moment.

Examples: How conservative my community?
My community was so conservative...
1. you had to have a prescription to buy a training bra.
2. in the drugstore, Reader's Digest was sold in a plain brown wrapper.
3. in the supermarket, breasts of chicken were labelled, "boobs of chicken."
4. in the display case, all the legs of lamb had to be crossed.
5. when a tourist went into the drugstore to buy condoms, he had to describe them to the pharmacist.

how polite was your date?
how mean was your spouse?
how rough was the nurse to you?
how poor was your family
how rough was your neighborhood?
how much did your coworker kiss up to your boss
how lazy was your friend?

Wednesday, February 24, 2016

Ebola Virus Check on Flight by Trevor Noah

Flying have been particular stressful for me in the recent month -- mostly because of the Ebola crisis. As a South African traveler, flying anywhere in the world has been extremely stressful because of the extra stringent measures that has been placed on us. Flying to America has been particularly worse: extra line, extra checks, and what they consider high risk Ebola region. Apparently is the whole continent. We were coughing on each other on one big hut.

I really don't really blame them. Look, the truth is much of American don't know much about South Africa. Well, they don't know Africa as a whole. Most of them, don't know much about anything. But still... It just weird cause you land in America. The questions that they would ask you at border control is so interesting. You get there, and a man would look at me. As soon as he sees that I'm from South Africa, he would be like, "Sir, South Africa, Have you been in contact with Ebola."

Like my answer would be, "Yes... Next stop. Disney World."

Would I still be traveling if I had been in contact most deadly diseases on the planet. What time of person do you think I am. "Oh, I paid for that trip. I'm going; even if it kills everybody." Like why would I do something like that. And the way they ask as well sound like Ebola was a distance relative of mine like a cousin. "Have you been in contact with Ebola."

"Yeah, I spoke to him last week. He's doing well. Thanks for asking."

It's just a strange world. It was honestly the worst trip that I have ever took. Because what happened... We flew in, so I was flying to Los Angeles. Because of that, we had to stop at Atlanta and change plane. And when we got off of our plane. We went off and got into another plane. And when we did, they made an announcement as we got onto the plane. They told other passengers that we were from the South African Plane. So they would be spraying the cabin for their safety. They say this as we walked on. The air host was like, "Ladies and gentlemen please note we got some passengers joining us from the south African flight. And due to the Ebola crisis right now. We are going to spray the cabin. It shouldn't be too harmful. You can cover your eyes and nose if you think it would harm you. It should be ok. We will be on our way shortly. Thank you very much."

We walked on to that. That's our introduction as we walked on the plane. I was walking, "Hello." It was like a scene from Forest Gump. Everyone was like, "Can't sit here." It was honestly the worst flight I have ever taken in my life. It was so tense.

I coughed once. The plane shook. There this one guy that couldn't even hold his. I couldn't even hold it any longer. He was like Ebola. Calm down. Calm down. It's just Aids. You are safe for now.

The stress. Everybody. We landed. Finally. Los Angeles. Still we had to disembark. The air host came back to make another announcement, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please stay in your seats. Before we disembark the plane, we have to do a quick safety procedure for checking out. Just to make sure everything is up to standard. We should be on our way shortly. Thank you very much."

So we had to sit there. The safety official came aboard on the plane. His job was to go around and scan each passenger; make sure everybody was healthy. He had a laser thermometer. He had to go to each African and pointed at our heads. And they way it works is if you are very hot, then you got Ebola. That's what I think how it works. He came down to my row. Walked all the way to me. Scan the people around me. Saw me. Just shook his head. Then walked away. Almost like I was not African enough. A few rows later he was short one name on the list, which was mine. So he called the air host over. There is this commotion, and it's growing. It's growing and growing. And now I think they are talking about me. But I won't be the guy, "Excuse me, I am the... the Ebola threat." I'm not going to say that.

So I'm just listening. The commotion is growing. The whole plane start listening. And at it's height, there was a man, three down rows behind us, middle eastern decent. He had a big beard. I would never forget this. He leaned in into the conversation with no hint of irony. He just leaned in, "Excuse me, pardon me. You probably want to check that gentlemen over there. Something suspicious about him. I notice him coughing."

I was like really?! Ach too Admin. How the wheel has turned my friend. You forget the time when the Muslim was the black people of the skies. Now you have turned on me. I thought he would be on my side.

Friday, February 19, 2016

Why NFL football teams should only Draft Players According to their Team Name by Greg Fitz Simmons

Football season is a little scandalous this year. A lot crazy stuff going on. Washington Redskin -- Should they able to call themselves the Redskins? I don't know. Yes? Some people say no? I think they should be able to. But, but, they can only draft actual Native Americans to play for the team. Think about that. That would be a bad ass football team. Just imagine 11 screaming Navato, coming down the field. And they would have the best defense in the league because they are not giving up any more territory.

That's right. But that's what it should be. Whatever your team says they are... That's what they have to be. If you are the San Francisco 49ers, your entire team should be forty niner year old men. That's it. Just in the huddle, complaining about hemaroid and bad backs, losing every sunday.

The team like the Vikings, real vikings -- horns coming out of their helmets. Come out and rap all the cheerleaders because they are vikings... Bucaneers would come out, with eye patch, and rap all the cheerleaders. Oakland Raiders... It would be a lot of rapping.

They should be what they say. Chicago Bears should come out with real bears with helmets on, playing against 11 dolphins... just dead on the field by halftime.

Why is it that Native Americans are upset about the Redskins? You don't hear African Americans complaining about the Cleveland Browns.

Friday, January 15, 2016

Should I have kids by Sebastian Maniscalco

You know I have a huge family. I got a sister. But I don't know. I don't know if I want kids of my own. I'm at this point now. My friends all have kids. They are always asking me, "Sebastian, when are you going..."

"I don't know if I want kids."

They are like, "What??? Oh Sebastian... Sebastian kids are a miracle. It's an amazing thing. Once you have one of your own, it's not about you any more. It's about them."

"Why the hell I want to do that?"

And it's not the kids that I have the problem with. It's the parents today. It's a different parent how we grew up. First of all, is everybody's kids fantastic? Why is everybody bragging about their kids? Don't we have anymore dumbs kids? My parents were honest with people. They never bragged about me. We went to the aunts and the uncles. As soon as we walked in, my father was, "Yeah, We don't know what the hell is wrong with him. I don't know. Something is off with this kid. Something is loose. Look how big his head is... Look at the head on this kid. Go in the basement. Play pong."

I always got my friends coming over, bragging about the kids, "Sebastian, she is so advanced. She is reading at a 4th grade level. She is only in 2nd grade. Show Sebastian the face... the face you make."

"I don't give..."

If your kid could fly from my backyard to my front yard, yeah, I might want to see that. "This is unbelievable. How is this happening?"

Whatever your kid does, nobody cares. They got their kids in every sports now a days, every activity. What are you doing? The kids are exhausted. Pick one thing for this kid to do. But no, the father, the mother can't fathom that child just might not be good at something. It's never the kids fault for lack of talent. It's the coach. You know they have to complain to the coach, "Coach, coach. Come here. Hi, we are the Gibsons. We are just wondering why our child is not participating in the game with the rest of the kids."

"Because he stinks. That's why we got a bench."

Thursday, January 14, 2016

Wet n Wild Palm Springs Waterslide Black Hole Bit by Sebastian Maniscalco Live

I did have a good summer. I took my niece to the Wet n Wild Palm Springs water-slide. Anybody have been in the Wet n Wild Palm Springs waterslide lately? I went to the Wet n Wild Palm Springs. I have not been there for 20 years. Things have changed people. When I was a kid, I had 2 bucks to get into the park. They give you a little shammy. There's one slide. I think it was called fun run. You go up 10 steps. You get your shammy. Throw yourself down. Whoosh. Wow. You would go so slow you would stop in the middle. Some more water would come. Whoosh. Oh ok. Ease yourself into the pool. No problem, right.

I went this pass summer. It was $29 dollars to get into park with no shammy. Instead the guy gave me a liability form. "Hey Sir, I want you to sign this please."

"For what?"

"Oh just in case you die of cardiac arrest on one of the rides here."

"How bad are the rides?"

So I go... The first Wet n Wild Palm Springs ride I go to is called the blackhole. It's 30 story up in the air. I get up there I'm out of breath. They got this carnie running the damn thing. "What's going on. Get in."

"Get in?"

You just don't throw yourself down in there with that silver bar. They don't got that anymore. This thing in a coffin... Threre's a door on it. "Get in there. Get in..."


So I get in this thing. The door slams shut. Speakers pop on. "Puff Puff. Cross your arms and your legs." Then without any warning. Puff. The floor drops under you. And you just... It's like a free fall. I didn't think there was a slide behind me. They just drop me 30 stories into a 3 feet of water. I'm careening down, and I happened to open up my legs in the entry into the pool. I still don't know where the bathing suite lining went.

So you know how it is... You go underneath water. And we pop up, and we don't know where the hell we at... We look like an idiot right. So what I do is I hold. I stay. Collect myself. Make sure my shorts are on. I do my hair. Then I come out of the water, cool, nothing happen. The guy next to me... didn't take the time. He just popped up, naked. Hair everywhere. He had this swimmer snot wrapped around him... People never noticed that wrapped around them, "Hey that's a good ride."

O'Hare Airport Busy Check In and tough on Baggage Weight by Sebastian Maniscalco

It's time for me to check in, right. Now the check in process at the O'Hare airport, they don't even want to look at you -- head down, right. No smile, nothing. I feel like I'm working. I feel like... I'm working... "Hi, How you doing?" Right? The only time they get happy is when the bag go over the weight allowance. They love telling you, "You are going to owe extra, on this bag."

And you know it's heavy. When you are packing it at home, "I tell you what... We are not going to make it."

"It's ok."

So heavy, right. You put it up there. You know it's heavy, so you kind of, trying to release it. You do that soft release like that's going to... take weight off the bag. And her mood changes, "Ooooo, I'm sorry. Your bag is 2 pounds over. You gonna have to take 2 pounds out of your bag."

Now like an idiot I gotta open up my bag in front of 187 other people. I don't know what 2 pounds is... I'm taking out a boot, sock, toothpaste. "Is this 2 pounds? Does anybody knows what two pounds is?? They are going to charge me extra, $8000. Do you think the boot is half a pound? I mean. Where do you want me to put this?"

She, the flight attendant at O'Hare, said, "Put that in your carry on."

I said, "It's still going on the plane. What does it matter? If it's on top or underneath... The guy behind me is 500 pounds. That does not matter? My sock is going to take the plane into the pacific, but you are prepared for this type of weight? It's a scam."

Every part of that airport bothers me. The TSA O'Hare, the security check point. This is what's guarding our country? Have you seen what's in the blue shirts at O'Hare? Do you feel safe with this type of security? I have been all over the world -- Egypt, Lebanon, Peru... I have been all over. Security at their airport are unbelievable, all military. Neat, hats, machine guns.

Have you seen our first line of defense at O'Hare? You see the first guy they sent out? "Take down your laptop. Your liquids, your creams, your gels..."

Tuesday, January 12, 2016

Hampton Inn & Suites Hotel Late check In by Gabriel Iglesias

By the way you guys, I want to let you know now, here in this theater and all over the world, watching this special. If you ever see me in public, either at a Hampton Inn & Suites restaurant or at a hotel, or anywhere, and you want to stop me to say hello, take a picture or anything, please. I welcome it. And it's an honor if you were going to do that. I do not mind at all. Stop me anytime you want. I'm the same person, the same guy. Seriously the same guy you see now. It's the same guy you see outside. I don't change. You can walk up and go, "Gabriel, can I talk to you?"

I'm not going be like, "Be gone from me. Gabriel is my stage name. I'm not even Mexican. I'm Scandinavian." No, trust me. I'm the same pandero. I don't mind. I love it you guys. Trust me. You guys make it possible for me to have an incredible life, taking care of my family. I'm all for it. Not a problem. Trust me. Right now, it's so crazy. I'm still adjusting to people walking up to me. I'm checking in the Hampton Inn & Suites hotel. And they already knew me. I'm like, "I'm checking in Hampton Inn & Suites."

"Here your keys sir. We know it's you sir."


I think that is awesome. I needed that like 6 years ago. One time I was trying to check in a Hampton Inn & Suites hotel in Chicago at 1 o clock in the morning because I miss my flight. Nobody is at the front desk. Just a little bell, and a sign that said, "ring for service." So there I am. Ching. All of a sudden, I heard this, "I hear the bell." All of sudden this lady came out, "Are you the one ringing that damn bell? What the hell you want?"

"I'm checking in Hampton Inn & Suites."

"Do you know what time it is? It's tomorrow."

"I know. I miss my flight."

"Mmmm. Whatever you say."

"What's going out there?"

"Girl, you gotta see this. I got this big ass mexican showing up late as hell."

"Ok, what's your name?"

"My name is Gabriel Inglesias."


"Yes Inglesias."

"Ok. Inglesias. E-G-L"

"No. No. No. It's with an I."

"Girl, you gotta see this. Nacho Libre is trippin. You would have gotten a queen size yesterday, but it's today."

Thundercats Craziest New Episode Watch in Home Movie by Lavell Crawford

Your mama got your back. Your mama wiped your ass; wiped your nose; wiped your whole damn face -- all with the same rag. I learned my lesson, "Ah. I got enough of that rag."

My mama is old school. When I was growing up, there was no need for amber alert. Hell nah. I was not getting abducted. Back then, hell no. When my mama put that Vaseline on my face so I can look shiny at the bus stop, she gave me some real good advice, "When your ass get off that bus at 4:30, I want you in that house. I mean in that house. Don't let anybody in that house until I get off work, 9 o clock tonight. You got it?"

"I got it."

When I get out, I go straight to the house, and lock it like fort knox. Go get me some chocolate milk. And watch my favorite cartoon, thundercats. Thunder-cats. Thunder cats. Oh hell yeah. Thunder, thunder, thundercats. Hoooooooooooo. Durr Durr Dur. Go lionel, go. I be like drinking my chocolate milk, "This is craziest episode that I have ever seen in my life." That door bell ring. I'm like, "Who can that be? Who is it?"

"Baby it's grandma. Let your grandma in the house."

"Sorry Grandma. My mama said to let nobody in the house. She meant nobody until 9 o clock tonight."

"Oh baby. Grandma came all the way from Tennessee. You know you can let your grandma in."

"I love you too Grandma, but mama say nobody is allowed in the house. Now if you excuse me. I have to watch Thundercats."

Monday, January 11, 2016

Hugh Hefner Playboy Mansion 200 million Dollars Entrance Party by Pauly Shore

I'm just happy that I'm still allowed to go to the playboy mansion. That's all I really cared about now. I square to gawd. The playboy mansion is crazy. Cause when you walk in there, it's like Willy Wonka and the house of cats. Hugh Hefner is in the front, greeting you like Wonka. Like, "Come with me, you will see, all the cats for your imagination. Take it look. It's time for master bay tion."

"Oh my gawd, cats waterfalls. Can I drink them? Yum Yum Yum. Playboy midgets, can I F them. Diddy diddy diddy."

I always get laid when I'm at the playboy mansion. I'm not saying that to make you think I'm cool. Any guy would get laid at the playboy mansion. It's awesome. No competition. It's like me, Corey Feldman, Scott Bao, and Bob Saget. It just gets worse. But once in a while Colin Farrell shows up. I'll be like, "What's he doing here? Shouldn't you be filming a movie? Come back in ten years when your career is down the drain. Hugh Hefner, relax. I got this."

Friday, January 8, 2016

In the Jungle the Lion Hunts, and The Cheetah Dust Through the Gazelle by Richard Pryor

In the jungle, when you see a rabbit, you get nervous. Cause the rabbit will be looking at you like, "..."

"Roll the window up Dear."

"It's just a rabbit."

"F U. Ain't no rabbit look at me like that."

And you see a lion in the jungle. That's what they look like. They be in the bush like... "Yeah, get your butt out the car. And bring that camera with you. Cause we are going to eat all that stuff."

I saw three lions, chase down a buffalo. That is the baddest mofo on four legs, except these bitches chasing them. And the lions they are working around like in teams, in signals. You know they can't talk...

And the buffaloes saw one of them right. And he tip away from the rest of the herd. And two others jump on him. And the other buffalo was like, "That fool did not warn us... let's leave."

You know how the buzzards circles in the movies? These mofo drove in a truck. Talking about, "What are these?"

Cheetahs. You don't see nothing but dust. I saw two cheetahs. Look like they were talking about jumping on some gazelle. "Do you want to go after that herd?"

"Nah, man. They too close. Let's just give them another hundred yards. How the wife and family man? It's going to be tourist season soon. That's far enough. You ready?"

The gazelle can hear, "Run."

And the mofo that can't hear is in trouble, "what?"


"What?! Huh?"




"What you say?"

"It's your butt!"

Thursday, January 7, 2016

Americans Gun Amendment Rights Laws Controversy by Rich Hall

People ask me all the time, "So Rich, does everyone in America owns an assault rifle? Is it mandatory?"

"Um. No."

"Then why?"

"I don't know because America has guns."

"Why can't they get rid of them?"

"Well, that will be like trying to stop obesity by getting rid of spoons. It's not going to happen."

Americans have guns, and we are not getting rid of them. Because there are always some guy in a camouflage outfit with an AR15 going, "Arrr... 2nd amendment says I have the right to get..." That was written 220 years ago, you prick. I don't think they foresaw you own an AR15 with the laser sight on top of a 200 magazine clip. I think they were thinking of muskets. That's why they pull a quill out of a duck's back and dip it in ink and wrote it into law.

I was reading a cover of a magazine in America because you have all these guns magazines. There's one called guns and ammo. This is the headline of the article. I didn't even read the article. This is the headline, "Which is better for capturing a Mallard,  crowning or browning? How about a piece of bread?

The state of Iowa has just passed the law. It's now ok to get a honing license in Iowa if you are blind. I think that law was introduced by deer and peasants.

So the government has all the opportunity to pass the gun law, but they never do, "It won't happen again. Don't worry."

"But What if it's going to happen?"

"But it's not going to happen."

"Well, we need to pass the law."

"Nope. We are not going to pass the law because of the National Rifle Association. That's the gun lobby. Well, it's not our problem. People go a bit nutty. You can't regulate nutty."

"What if somebody get tooled up because they just watch the Batman film, and he goes off to the cinema and shoot other people dressed as batman characters? Don't you think that has something to do with violence on television?"

"No. People know the difference between see on television and real life."

"Oh yeah, then how come there's advertising? You people will go out and buy insurance because an aflack duck."

American Gun Violence Control Safety Protection Rights Issue by Jim Jefferies

I'm all for 2nd amendment rights. I think you all should have guns. It's in your constitution. What I am not for is bullshit arguments and lies. There is one argument and one argument alone to have a gun. And this is the argument. F off I like guns. It's not the best argument, but it's all you got. And there is nothing wrong with it. There's nothing wrong with I like something; don't take away from me. But don't give me this other bullshit. The main one is, "I need it for protection. I need to protect me. I need to protect my family." Really? Is it why they call it assault rifle? Is it? Never heard of these protection rifles you speak of... Protection? What the F are you talking about. You have a gun in your house. You are 80 percent more likely to use that gun on yourself than to shoot someone else. People think, "That will never happen to me." You don't know that because you know why, "From time to time... We all get sad... One day you happy... then you sad..." Protection? I had a break in Manchester England. I was tired and had a hair cut. I came through the window with knife and hammer. Americans always go, "Imagine if you had a gun." I'm like, "Alright. I was naked at the time. I was not wearing my holster. And I was not staring at the window, waiting for constant knife to go through." What world do you live in where you constantly get ready. You have guns because you like guns. That's why you go to guns conventions. You read gun magazines. You don't give a crap about homeland security. Nobody goes to homeland security conventions. None of you read padlock monthly. None of you have a Facebook picture of you behind a secure a door, "bang bang yeah." Like you are going to be ready when somebody comes to your house, and have it ready. By the way, most who break into your house just want your tv. You think people are coming to murder your family? How many enemies do you have? Geez you think a lot about yourself if you think everyone is coming to murder you. See if you have it ready available. It becomes unsafe. You have it at your bed side table. One of your kids pick it up. Thinks it's a toy. Shoots one of your kids. It happens everyday. That would never happen in my house because I'm responsible adult. I keep my guns lock in a safe. Then where is the protection? They will be like, "Wait there. You came to the wrong house here. Is it 32 to left or 32 to the right? You mother's birthday? How would I know that?

Tuesday, January 5, 2016

Aliens and UFO built the Pyramid documented in Netflix Documentaries Bit by Ryan Singer

I love thinking about aliens and space. You don't have to convince me that Aliens built the pyramid. I got Netflix, which mean I already believe that stuff. Obviously you have Netflix too. And if you are like me, you have seen one of the three thousand documentaries, streaming on Netflix about how the pyramid were built. And you too have probably been convinced, at the very least, we had a little bit of help, building those super structures, thousands of years ago. The way the light shaft lines up to the constellation, the geographical location of the pyramid on the globe, the way the line up geometrically to one another. We can fit 35 empire state buildings inside the biggest pyramid. Think about how enormous that is... And you think we built those by ourselves. It has been taken over 10 years to repave 2 miles 5 north of Glendale. And you think we built the pyramid? You are the crazy one dude, not me. I ain't crazy. Your rubber bounces off of me. You coo coo. I go even further than that. You can convince me with quite ease that aliens help us build any super structure that I have ever seen in my entire life.

Have you ever drive down the freeway and two other freeways cross over on top of you, the giant concrete formation? Good thing that my 99 Camry does not have a sunroof. Any building over 10 stories tall, "How does that building not fall down? It's so windy up there." How a dude over 6 feet 7 walk around all day? You top heavy. How you moving?

Any bridge over large amount of water like the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco... There's a bridge in the American South land that stretches over 30 to 40 miles of swamp land -- No solid land in plain sight. How the bridges stand still? How do they not collapse? It's so mushy down there. It's mushy man. Maybe those poles aren't even steel. Maybe those poles are made out of concrete. How did you get those concrete hard under water dude? How did you get concrete hard under water? You put a sexy lady in there. No. Sexy lady don't make everything hard -- just dicks and life.

Mrs. Meyers Liquid Hand Soap Coconut Scent Issue by Demetri Martin

Clothing sizes are weird. They go small, medium, large, and then extra large, extra extra large, extra extra extra large. Something happen at large. They just gave up. They were like, "I'm not doing anymore adjectives. Just keep on putting extra on there." We can do better than that -- Small, medium, large, wow, easy, slow down, stop it, interesting, American. I don't like it when I go into a clothing store, and I pick some clothes. Then I go to the dresser. Then they come and bother me when I'm in there, "How is it working out for you in there? You alright in there? How are you doing in there?" I go, "Ahh... not too good. I think I'm going to kill myself. Can you get me a belt please?" "Are you alright in there?" "Yeah, I'm naked. Just popping some zits. Do you want to hop in?" Just leave me alone. "How's it going in there for you?" "Ah, alright. I couldn't find the toilet so I just went. You got to finish these bathroom stalls man. Also can you get me a few tshirts?" My friends have Mrs. Meyers Liquid Hand Soap that smells like coconut. Mrs. Meyers Liquid Hand Soap is nice unless your hands are dirty from coconut. Then it's the worst soap possible. "I can't make sense of any progress in this situation. This is how I started out. This sucks."

Nsync Tour Irresistible Halftime Show Bit in NFL superbowl by Lewis Black

Then it was halftime. Halftime to the Super Bowl was the best. Because halftime to the Superbowl have gotten exponentially worst every year. I use the word exponentially because I was taught in math class. And that was the first sentence I used it. Exponentially worst means crappier and crappier and crappier. Last year, the half time show was presented by MTV. When I think music, oh yeah I think MTV. The people that have done everything they could in my life time to destroy music as I know it. In case you don't realize it. MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken.

So who did MTV get to play at halftime? They get NSync. Sure, when I think football, I think NSYNC. It was interesting. I never heard Nsync play because, you know, when they come on, I like to take a pencil; shove it in my ear. And that would have been enough for a halftime show, but no. Quiet shortly there after, they are joined by arrow smith. I have Nsync and arrowsmith, and I am confused. Nsync and arrowsmith are two bands that shouldn't be in the same state at the same time. So Nsync and arrowsmith began to play, but what they play was not music. What you heard was the sound of chaos. I know that sound strange, but it's true. Because I can hear the sound of pigs being slaughtered. Women were weeping, and men smashing their teeth. I heard sounds that were so horrible, and if I were to repeat to you, you would just leave from this room with horror.

I'm like, "This is going to be over soon." I have been watching the half time show since I was eleven years old. But no. The boys are joined by Britney Spears. I have Nsync and arrowsmith and Britney Spears. I have the trifecta from hell. But I was lucky because I have a spoon in my hand. And I shoved it up my ass. You may wondering why. To distract myself from the pain. Because if I'm going to hurt that much, I'm going to do it to myself. Oprah calls that empowerment.

Step on Lego Pain How it feels in the brain

I can't hit my kids. I am not going to do it. It only teaches them how to lie. Don't put fear in them. But last week, I stepped on a lego barefoot. I almost murdered my whole family. Almost killed them all. Family anilihotor. Start a new life. I would have kept the beer. Have you ever stepped on a lego on a barefoot? Did you ever do it? It would make you reevaluate your life choices. Everything you held sacred about your life, out the window. Because you are just an innocent by stander. You are walking around your own house. You don't know. Barefeet. Bam. The pain starts here, and travels quickly to your brain. Your brain goes, "What the F is this." It does not know how to compute the pain. Wires shooting off smoke. That's not the worst of it. Now you are jumping up and down. That's not the pain what you have to look for. Let me tell you something. Legos. Legos are like cockroaches. When you see 1, there's 10 more hiding out in the shadows. You don't even know they are there. Now you are hopping up and down on one leg. Then all your weight lands on top of that second lego. Your brain is like, "Shut this system down." I hit the floor crying with tears, streaming down my face.

Gabriel Inglesias describes Sexy Commercial in Telemundo Channel and Pepsi

Man, this country. I love living here in the United States. I can't think of anywhere else I want to live. Some people would say, "Well, you're Mexican. Wouldn't you want to live in Mexico?" I love Mexico... just for visiting. I like it right here. That's why it kind of bothers me when people go, "What is it like to be a Latino comedian."

I go, "I don't know. I'm a comedian who happens to be Latino."

"What's the difference?"

"The difference is my special will air in Comedy Central, not Telemundo."

It's hard you guys. You know... Espanol. You speak a little Spanish. It freaks people out, "Oh my gosh. He is speaking Spanish." Don't get me wrong. I like watching Spanish programming. Some of those stuff are really cool.

My favorite things are the commercials because it's always about sex. You don't know what the product is until the last 2 seconds. It's always some model walking all sexy, right. "Hola, aye... que Rico..." And on the 28th second right, "Ayeeeeeeeee... Pepsi." And you are here, sitting going, "I gotta get me some Pepsi." I have a thing for soda I love it. I know they gave me water, but... oh a soda.

Pepsi. Oh, that is actually diet. I am not on a diet. It's funny because people go, "Well, why do you drink diet soda?"

"So I can eat regular cake." I love cake, man.

Monday, January 4, 2016

The only Asian in Alabama by Jo Koy

I'm in New York Baby. This is it. It's a long journey. I'm in New York dude. You know how long it took me to get here. I have been on the road for a year and half. I have been on the road. And you go to there places that you don't want to go to. Like I couldn't wait to come to New York. But there are other places that I have to go to. And you go. And you like, "This place is a state? Like Alabama. Oh no Alabama." I had to do a show in Alabama. Son of a bit. I was the only Asian in Alabama. I was the only Asian in Alabama. They didn't even wait for the show to start to see me. They were outside my hotel room just looking, "Come to the window. Come on man. We want to see you."

I waited outside of my window for like 15 minutes, standing on the side of the curtain like this. Take a peek.

"We see yah. He thinks he's a ninja."

Alabama scares the crap out of me. This guy picked me up in a pick up truck, and threw my luggage in the back. There's a dog standing. "He'll watch you luggage."

I get in the truck like, "Ok."

"Is this your first time in Alabama?"


"Do you want to go to the hotel first?"

"That's the only option." Like I flew all the way to Alabama to hang out with this guy?! This guy scared the crap out of me. I'm in a pick up truck. I'm scare out of my life. The dog is sitting with my luggage. This guys could of have easily go, "We are going to drive into the woods. And F you real quick."

Russians are the Scariest White People on Earth by Dan Soder

I'm currently living in New York City, which you know, it's there. I have been living in New York about 6 years now. And when I first move there, I had a huge fear that I am going to get mugged constantly like every time I left the house. It's like, "here it comes. Someone is going to take everything." I got over my fears because I learn a trick. And now I use this trick all the time. Whenever someone ever might beat me up or mug me, I fake a Russian accent. Your welcome. It's genius. I'll be walking home late at night. 2 dangerous looking thugs walk up to me like, "Yo. Man. You know what neighborhood you are in?"

"You think this is bad neighborhood." Russians are the scariest white people. They have earned it. I'm so scared of them that I guarantee if I was lost, dangerously lost. There would be no way I'm going to ask a Russian for direction. Just real quick like, "Sir, help me. Please help me. How do I get to the subway?"

"The subway? Walk down street. Around corner."

"Ohhhh. Screw that. I think I'm just going to stay lost."