RTCA Dinner for President Obama and Vice President Biden with Guest Comedian Joe Wong on C-SPAN

Good everyone, My name is Joe Wong. But to most people, I am known as Hu, which is my mom's maiden name. And it's the answer to my credit card security question. But joking aside, I just want to reassure everybody that I am invited here tonight. I grew up in China. Who didn't. My childhood memory is totally ruined by my childhood. When I was in elementary school, as part of the curriculum, I had to work in a rice patty, right next to a quarry, where they use explosives to break rocks. And that is where I learned that light travels faster than sound, which is as slow as a flying rock. My dad was a grumpy guy, but occasionally tries to cheer me up with jokes, but he doesn't do it right. When I was 7, one thing he said to me, "Hey son, why is tofu better than centralized socialistic economy?" So 5 minutes later, I asked, "why?" He said, "Because I said so."

I came to the united states when I was 24 to study at Rice University of Texas. That wasn't a joke -- until now. I was driving a car with lots of bumper stickers that was impossible to peel off. And one of them said, "If you don't speak English, go home." And I didn't notice for 2 years. And like other immigrants, we want our son to become president of this country. And we are trying to make our son bilingual. English in public and Chinese at home -- which is tough to do. Many times I have to say to him in public, "Hey listen, if you don't speak English, go home." He would say to me, "Hey dad, why do i have to learn two languages?" I said, "Son, once you become president of the united states, you would have to sign legislative bills in English, and talk to debt collectors in Chinese."

When I graduated from Rice, I decided to stay in the united states. Because in China, I can't do what I do best here -- being ethnic. And in order for me become a US citizen, I had to take this american history lesson, where they ask us questions. Like, "Who is Benjamin Franklin?" I'm like, "Uhh... The reason our convenient store gets robbed."

"What's the second amendment?"

We're like, "uh... the reason our convenient store gets robbed."

"What is Roe vs Wade?"

We're like, "uh... 2 ways to come to United states."

I read so much about american history that harbor wide skills. And in america, they say all men are created equal. But after birth, it kind of depends on the parents income, education, and healthcare. I read in Health Magazine that President Obama every 2 weeks have 4 cardio days and 2 weight lifting days. You see I don't have to exercise because I have health insurance.

I live in Massachusetts now where we have universal healthcare. Then we elected Scott Brown -- Talk about mixed messages. I think there was a movie about him. It's called kill bill.

I'm honored to meet vice president Joe Biden here tonight. I actually read all your autobiography. And today I see you. I think the book is much better.

To be honest, I am really honored to be here tonight, and uh... Prepared for months for tonight show. And I showed the white house my jokes about president Obama. And that is when, he decided not to come. We actually talked about immigration reforms. Take that Stephen Colbert. And president Obama has been known for being so soft, but he was conducting two wars. And they still gave him the Nobel peace prize. And he accepted it. You can't be more bad ass than that. Well, actually, the only way he can be more bad ass than that if he took the Nobel peace prize money and gave it to the military.

We have many distinguish journalist tonight, who i considered as my peers because I use to write on campus newspaper. I think journalism is the last refuge for puns. Only in the newspaper you can say things like, "I was born in the year of the horse. And that is why I am a nay sayer." -- My point exactly.

And tonight is my first time on c-span, which is the channel I love to watch -- when I could not stand the sensationalism and documentary of pbs and qvc. If I could not still fall asleep after c-span, there is c-span2 and c-span3. Thank you very much.

So I became a US citizen in 2008, which I am happy about. Thank you very much. America is number 1. That's true because we won the world series every year. After becoming a US citizen, I immediately registered to vote for Obama and Biden. Your welcome. You had me at, "Yes We can." That was their slogan. So after getting Obama and Biden elected, I felt this power trip. And I started to think, "Maybe I should run for president myself." Well, I have to take a step back and explain a little bit. I had always been a rose and pessimistic guy. I felt that life is kind of like pee in the snow in the dark winter night. You probably made a difference, but it's really hard to tell.

But now we have a president, who is half black half white, it just gives me a lot of hope -- because I'm half not black, not half white. Two negatives make a positive. What would be your campaign slogan? You see I spent 10 years in the past decade. Oh you too, okay. So I understand that american people are suffering. So my campaign slogan, "Hu Cares." If elected, I would make same sex marriage, not only legal, but required. That would get me the youth vote. You see I'm married now. I used to be scared of marriage. I was like, "wow. 50 percent of all marriages end up lasting forever." And I will eliminate unemployment in this country by reducing the productivity of the american workforce, so 2 people have to do the work of 1 -- just like the president and vice president -- or like the Olsen twins.