Friday, May 27, 2016

Witches and Bats are Scary in the Country House by Louis CK

I'm not a big animal person. Some animal I hate. Uh. Bats. I think bats are disgusting. I hate bats. I hate rats with leather wings. Have you ever seen one? They look around. It's like somebody. They have a face. It's disgusting. Hate bats. Oh I am sure there's a whole thing, "Did you know that bats make all the french toast in the world." Whatever. I don't care. Hate them. I had a bad bat experience.

It's summer. We rented a house in the summer for me and the kids. My ex wife shares custody with the kids. So one month with her and one month with me. We have a nice house out of the country. It's beautiful. The kids loved it. The kids go to sleep like 8 o clock at night. So I am laying awake. Terrified. Terrified. I'm so scared in this country. It's just quiet and just mystery. Trees and darkness. I live in New York City. I feel perfectly safe there. I'm surrounded by murderers, child molesters, Jews. Ha ha ha. There are, there are. There are bunch of those.

So one night I'm in the country house, laying awake, begging for the freakin sun to come up, so I can sleep through the day with the kids. I'm laying awake. My bedroom is near the kitchen. Suddenly I hear this sound, "hee hee hee." I heard that clears as a bell. Immediately my heart is pounding. I have a heart attack right now because there is a witch in the kitchen. First of all there are no witches. No doubt in that moment. So I go down stairs. I'm terrified. I'm standing outside of the kitchen door like this for an hour. Too scared to go in... A little of logic just seeped in. Even if there is a witch in there. She wouldn't just make a noise, and stand there for an hour.

So I go in the kitchen. I hear the noise again. And it was the dish washer. The dish washer has weird tubes. As the soap goes through them, it gets kind of vocal. It was the weirdest thing to see my dish washer do it. So I was like alright. It's cool. Fine. There is no witches. I was about to go upstairs, and a bat... A freaking asshole bat. He was like, "Hee hee." He flew right by my head like this... I went, "Ahhh." Fell on the floor. I immediately crawl into the closet. I closed the door and called 911 right away.

I don't if you ever called 911, and you don't realize that you shouldn't be calling 911. "911, tell us your emergency."

"Uhm I'm very sorry. Very sorry to be bothering you."

"Sir what's the problem."

"There's a bat in my house. And I don't like it."

She was nice to me because it was country 911. If you call 911 in New York City, "there's a bat in my house." He would be like, "Sir, we will send a car right over to shoot you in the face." But she was nice, "Sir, we understand. You are divorce. You are over staying in the country house. You are in over your head." She said, "Call this guy. He's the guy that takes care of bats. Bat is his focus." She did a lot of work, so she will not have to say the word batman. She was like going around. He is a male human. Bats are his... I'm not gonna say Batman. I'm not going to say it.

So I called the batman. He comes over. I'm in the closet, looking through the crack. The bat is on the ceiling, hanging upside down, looking around. It's the most disgusting thing. So finally there's a knock on my door. I crawled to the door, and I opened it. He was like, "Hello, where's the bat." I'm like, "Ahhhh." So the guy walks over, and he just takes the bat. That's it. He just took it. He was like, "Alright." I was like, "Yeah, you pretty much nailed it. That's amazing." It's like, "Help, there's a box of tissue on my table. Oh thank goodness. What a relief to have a man in the house. Would you like some sweet tea. Wasn't expecting company. Oh my rob fell open."

Thursday, May 26, 2016

Roasting David Hasselhoff, Pamela Anderson with Genie and Lamp Rubs by Gilbert Gottfried

Seth McFarlin. Come on everyone. Take it easy on Seth. It's gotta be hard for him to do a roast, especially because the Simpsons haven't done it yet. If only the Simpsons were wiping it's ass in front of Seth McFarlin, he can learn to do it too. But sadly Seth McFarlin's bulky ass is caked in layers of unwiped excrementing shame because the simpsons haven't done it yet.

Lisa Lampernitie. I saw lisa had a little trouble choosing what to wear this evening. She couldn't decide between the honey glaze or the pinapple slices. Lisa, I do have on question. Where are all those black guys you claim to be having sex with. Do you really think that this day in age there is a single black guy who would be caught dead inside anyone who is the size of a slave ship. Actually, Lisa has an important role in African American history. It turns out the last black man to pick cotton was yanking out her tampons.

Here's a joke. Pamela Anderson is walking on the beach. She stumbles upon a magic lamp. She rubs a lamp, and genie pops out. And the genie says, "I'm here to grant you one wish." Pam says, "I want you to make VIP the hit show it should have been." The genie says, "Even with all my powers I can't do that. Can I grant you a different wish?" So Pam says, "Ok, Can you make my vagina tight again?" And the genie says, "Let me take another look at VIP."

David Hasselhoff walks into a bar. Every morning and stays there until it closes. You know. I always heard that David Hasselhoff has sold millions in Germany. But like alot stories that are from Germany, those numbers are probably inflated if not a complete hoax. David Hasselhoff is running on the beach in slow motion. He stumbles upon a magic lamp. He rubs the lamp. A genie pops out. And says, "I'm here to grant you one wish." David says, "Can you make Baywatch Nights the hit show it should have been?" The genie says, "I've seen Baywatch Nights, and even with all my powers I can't make that show go any good. You have to pick a different wish." So David thinks and says, "Can you make Pamela Anderson's Vagina tight again?" The genie says, "No, no, a thousand times, NO. There's nothing that can be done about Pamela Anderson's vagina. Then David Hasselhoff says, "Ok, can you make me a great singer?" So the genie's thinks and goes, "Alekazam, you are a great singer." David Hasselhoff immediately embarks in a singing tour. And the genie laughs his ass off. He goes, "Oh my gawd, look at that David Hasselhoff, thinking he can sing. What an asshole."

Friday, May 20, 2016

How to connect with People by John C Maxwell

How to connect with people. I just wrote a book. It came out about 3 weeks ago. It's entitled, "Everybody Communicates, Few connects." It's very true. Isn't it? Everybody talks. Have you ever seen people when they talked nobody was home? Have there been a time when you listen to somebody, and you want to raise your hand? Then tell them it's okay. They can quit. You all are too young for this. But when I was a kid, they had a TV program called the GONG show. And the GONG show would simply when you talked and nobody want to hear anymore, they just a big mallet and just gonged you. I said dear god we need a gong in every church. In fact, when I did the book, Everybody Communicates, Few Connects, I put it on my blog last September. And release a chapter each week. Then take it off, and put the next chapter on for the next 10 weeks. Over thousands of people read the book with me on the blog. I ask them to come back and talk to me. I said, "As you read the book, tell me, give me a good story. Give me a better quote. Help me. Help me improve the book." And they started to improve the book, literally by the hundreds and then by the thousands. We literally changed 7 things in each chapter. We rewrote the book. And then I discovered. None of us is smarter than all of us. And some of my best thinking has been done by others. I told them that I give them credit. I literally put their pictures on the cover of the book. Put their name on the inside, the pictures on the inside. I told hundreds of people that I will give them credit. I didn't tell them I give them royalty.

Jesus was the great connector. If anybody ought to know how to connect, it gotta be his children. Yet to be honest with you. I find some of them not even close, not even close. Let me define connecting. Connecting is the ability to relate to and identify with people in such a way that it increases your influence with them -- the ability to identify with and relate to people in such a way that it increases your influence with them. When we do it right, influences increases. What did Jesus say? He wanted to be soft. He wanted us to be light. He wanted us to connect in such a way that fulfill the Great Commission that everywhere we went -- we can draw people under him.

I want to give you three simple connecting thoughts tonight. These thoughts are going to be applied to your spiritual life. It could be applied to your business life. These thoughts can be applied to your family life. Thought number 1 about connecting -- very simple -- connecting is all about others. That's the grand foundation and principle about connecting. It's not about you. It's not about me. It's all about others. I was in my 20s in Dayton, Ohio. And I didn't understand this. I was a pasture, and I thought connecting, as a leader, was getting everybody to buy into my vision, to get others to get to the things I love -- the principle that I held that was true. I was constantly working hard on getting people to buy into me and to buy into everything around it. I was constantly, "Come on. Come on to the team. Here. Here. Come and join us. Here where's we going. Let's get on the train." When I was in my 20s in Dayton, Ohio, I heard a man say, "If you want to help people, first get what they want. Then they will help you get anything you want." It literally changed my life. It was a eureka moment for me because at that time I realized that I was approaching, connecting the wrong way. I was trying to come where I was and connect with me. And so many times I see leaders, basically leaders who are up on the mountain and looking down at people, "Hey folks, hey folks, come on up. Come on up. I am up here. Come on. Let's go." You've heard the expression. It's lonely at the top. A leader never said that. You are on top alone and nobody is following you. If you are on top all alone, you are not a leader. You are a hiker. And in my early years, I tried to get people to come to the top. I try to get people to join the team. I try to get people to get on the train. And I didn't understand that I have to get off the top. I have to go find the people. I gotta go where they are. And when I find where they are. They hey, guess what? I can help them go to the top together. That's why leader never cross the finish line first. People who cross the finish line first are running alone. You see. Leaders never cross the finish line first because when they come across, they bring people with them. Connecting is all about others.

Now, I look back at my early ministry. I know why I didn't understand that. I was immature. I was immature. Immature people don't think of others first do they. They immature because they think of themselves first. That what makes them immature. I know you are saying, "Let them get a little older. Then they grow up." Not necessarily. Maturity does not always in company with age. Many times age comes alone.

I share with you. I have 5 grand-daughters. We live in Atlanta. Our two oldest granddaughters, at that time, Hannah and Maddie, were 5. At that time, Maddie and here family lived on the west coast California. We were in Atlanta, so the cousins did not see each other alot. When the cousins got together, they always stayed at our house. Every morning, every morning, when Hannah and maddie, these cousins, 5 year old cousins, they come down to the living room. In the morning, they call me papa. That's my name. They call me papa. The called Margaret, Mimi. In fact before the first grandchild was born, I want them to call me mimi. I say I like that, but I don't want them to call me pee pee. So they call me papa. Every morning they have a list for me. You see. Hannah and Maddie thought God created Papa to server them. Oh yeah, they are five. And they come down and say, "We want to do this and this." They would give me the list. I just hang with them. Whatever they said, I think it's my responsibility to spoil the grandchildren. After all, that is what grandparents are for. So we had our list, and we go towards our day. I promise you. We live on the golf course, so they wanted to get on the golf cart. And they wanted to ride around the golf course. And John, he was two, followed along. He was allowed to because of Hannah and Maddie. John was named after me, so he gets the inheritance. We get on the golf cart. Before we get on the golf cart, Hannah and Maddie would say, "Papa we are hungry. We need snack. Which means the first thing we go is between the 9th and 10th hole. We all go and sat down. We all ordered the same thing -- Hot-dog with Ketchup, potato chips, candy bar, ice cream, diet soda. I know what you are thinking. You are saying, "That's not a very healthy diet." I know that. I don't care. I'm a grandparent. Trust me I fed my kids healthy stuff. It doesn't help. It doesn't help. There was only one rule, and that is they couldn't tell. They couldn't tell the parents because parents are paranoid with such things. So that was our secret during dinner time. When they were not hungry, the parents could not figure it out. Hannah and Maddie looked at me with a wink and a thumbs up. Now they are 5 years old. Everyday they had a agenda for me. It's all about them. Not one time. Not one time. They come down and said, "Papa, we've been thinking. You have done so much for us. What could we do for you?"

You see. It doesn't enter the 5 year old mind that they should do something for someone else. It's ok when you are 5. It's sad when you are 35, and 45, and 55 when you have not figure it out. It's not about you. The first very simple principle of connecting is all about others. Leaders understand that the day they take up leadership -- they give up the right to think of themselves first. Leaders understand that the day they become leaders -- no longer they live for themselves. If Jesus were here and was talking about leadership, he would tell you that leadership is servant hood. That's what it is. It's not about titles. It's about towels. And only the secure can stoop, only the secure. Insecure people cannot do that. It's all about others.

I followed the founding Pasture in San Diego. Great man has been there for 27 years. Done a terrific work. In fact, he is still alive today. He is 90. He is a precious godly man. The church adored him. He was out a little bit of energy, so I came in. I had the priviledge, trying to serve him and Congregation for the next several years. I have only been there for a few months. I looked at a lady named Sue who husband was named was Harry. I noticed Harry had not been to church for the last couple of weeks. I said Sue I'm missing Harry. Is he okay? She said, "Well, he is ok. He is having a little problem with you. He loves Pasture Butcher. You are new. And he is feeling guilty because... He felt pasture Butcher was everything to him. He just missing him. He is trying to stay away right now. Trying to figure it all out." I said I understand. Is he willing to talk to me." I said, "I know you love Pasture Butcher. Can you tell me about him? Would you please? Tell me all the reasons you love him... I want to listen." For the next 40 minutes, that dear precious man cried as he talked about that Pature Butcher burried his parents. Married his kids. Baptized the family. Talked about the wedding. Talked about the incredible things that the pasture gets to do with people. Now about 40 minutes, he is crying. I am crying. I said, "Harry, I understand. I think I need to share something with you. I give you permission harry to always love Pasture Butcher more than me. To be honest with you, I could never take his place. He should be number 1 in your life. I should not be number one. I should not even be number 2. But I do know this, I should not feel guilty him being your number one. He is your pasture. He was your pasture. Always keep him where he is. Always love him. Just give him all your love. Harry you got me permission. Don't ever feel guilty about it. You should always love him first. Now harry, I do have a request for you. If after you are done loving pasture butcher first, if you have any love left over, maybe just a little bit, it could you just throw it my way." He said, "Are you kidding?" I said, "I not kid at all." One day he puts his arm around me and said, "Guess who?" I said, "It's Harry. It's Harry." He said, "I just want to give you a hug. And tell you that I have just a little love. Just a little love, left over." Can I tell you something. There is nothing worse in this world than an insecure leader who somehow thinks that the world should worship him. Get a life. Understand. It is not about you. Connecting is all about others.

Number 2 -- connecting requires energy. One of the reason that we do not connect as much as we could or should is because there's a tremendous requirement of energy that we have to continually expand to connect. Can I tell you? The only difference between a great dating life and an average marriage is you worked harder when you were dating. Of course you did. Everyday you got up and said, "How can I please her? What can I do for her? What could I buy for her? Is there something I can do that add value to her? Everyday you got up, it was all about the other person. The day you get married, you said, "Oh my god. How are you going to meet my needs?"

Number 3 -- Connectors find common grounds. They understand they have to find common grounds. The great connectors find common grounds, and lift them to higher grounds.  Once we connect them to common ground, then we bring them to higher ground.

Wednesday, May 18, 2016

Why Dawn of the Planet Apes should have more Asians and Gay people in the Movie by Bobby Lee

It's getting better for Asians on TV and movies, but it's still not good enough man. We are still not in movies where we are suppose to be in. We are suppose to be in the movie, Dawn of the planet of the Apes. I will tell you why. That movie is set in San Francisco. Have anybody been in San Francisco? There's a lot of freaking Asian people. Not one in the movie? There's a lot of gay people in San Francisco. Not one gay person in that movie. What kind of San Francisco is this? Put one gay guy in it... you know. "Get away monkey. No monkey. No." In the restaurant, an old man says, "Come here monkey. Come her mofo. I will tell you. Don't be afraid monkey. Come in here." The monkey walks in, "You got freak up. This is going to be good."

Hollywood does a lot. They made a movie called 21. It's a bunch of MIT students, going to Vegas. In real life, the MIT students were mostly Asians. When they made the movie, they cast mostly white people. Like we are not going to notice it. That made me so angry. That's why I'm going remake white films and put Asians in it. I am going to remake brave heart. I'm going to put asians with really bad accent. Nobody is going to able to say William Wallace.

Monday, May 16, 2016

What to do on the First Date, Step by step Guide by Mr. Bean Rowan Atkinson

Good Evening. Welcome to the University of London. This is the 14th part of our course, Elementary of Courting for Men. Tonight we look at the first date. Obviously taking out a girl for the first time is a very complex issue. The first crucial step is... not to look like a complete idiot when she opens the door. Best to take your attention like you have been distracted. But when your attention is there, it is vital to tell her how pretty she is looking, straight away, but don't over do it. If at this point you are introduced to her parents, attitude is all in important. You can be too casual. You can be too keen. When you say good bye to the parents, again don't over do it.

Lead her to your car. There are various ways of driving. If you drive like this, you might lose her respect. If you drive like this, you should have taken a taxi.

Before long, you have arrived at the restaurant. Tuck your date into your seat. And ask the waiter for the wine list. Selecting from the wine list is important. Completely ignorance is not cool. When the bottle arrives, there is much of a tasting of it, but don't be too professional. With eating, again, moderation is the order of the day. Don't eat too fast, but don't eat too slowly. Next is receiving the bill. This is a very important moment. You must be sure not to lose your cool. This is right. This is wrong. The girl may offer to pay for the meal for herself. In which case, you should refuse, for a while.

Then we are going to look for a fashionable disco. This will make a difference. Most people don't know how to dance, so do too much. Other people do too little. Some people dance if there was something up their bottom. And some other people dance like there's something coming out of their bottom. Once said and done, it's prolly not to dance at all. The well mind sporting injury is always useful -- a good excuse for leaving.

Wednesday, May 11, 2016

The Best Way to get More Quality Tinder Tindr Dates by Liz Miele

There is too much internet. There's all these new dating websites. There just funny at this point. They are not even helpful. It's kind of ridiculous. The new one is called tindr or tinder.

You guys know what tinder is? I would love to tell an old man what tinder is... It would bring me joy. Even if you don't understand any of it. I know you would be prolly upset, holding your grandchildren like, "I'm so sorry. This is what you have to do in life." I just had to buy a girl a Popsicle and that was your wife. Well, that is how it use to be. Now there's made up words and apps and stuff.

This is what tinder is sir... Tinder, all it is, is an app on the smartphone. I don't know if you know what an app is... Then you are already lost. All it a face, name, and an age. Alright. So face, Jason, 30. That's it. From that information, you are either interested in Jason face or you are not into his face. You prolly not. So you press that X in the corner. It goes no across his face, and he flutters away.

Not going to freak that guy, not gonna freak that guy, not gonna freak that guy. No, not gonna freak that guy. Just that for 20 minutes. I'm like, "Oh my gosh. This is so fun. I'm amazing at dating. Really. It's like the Angry Birds of dating. It's an addiction that cannot be justify. It can't really be a dating tool. It's too fun to be a dating tool. There is actually another step. And if you are really into Jason face, there is a heart. You press the heart. If he also presses the heart, it opens up into a chat room. Then you just start talking... We are all ok with this.

All I know for sure is that this dude has a nose, and now we are talking. Sorry that is not enough information for me. I have preliminary questions. Question number 1: Do you have a job? I don't have a job. If you also don't have a job, it's like eye contact for 3 days -- fast relationship. You need to be busy for us -- for our future. Question number 2: I need to know if you are uber religious. I'm so nonreligious. I don't want to go into any big building or read any big books. If you prayed for anything like a parking spot for the last 6 years, I'm not into it. Not going to work out. Question number 3: I need to know if you live in long island. I live in Brooklyn. I don't care how hot you are. I'm not going to long island. At this point, if you don't live at least 5 blocks from my apartment, I don't know if we can even be friends.

Tuesday, May 10, 2016

How Italian Weddings Culture is like by Sebastian Maniscalco

Plan a wedding: Italians do it a lot different than most people when it comes to wedding. Italians don't register at bed bath and beyond. We don't bring a toaster to a wedding. Italians bring cash, OK. We put it in an envelope. Sometimes there's not even a card. Just Cash. With a post-it note - Congrats.

Now the bride and groom know they are getting cash. They are sitting there with a satin bag that says cash in diamonds. And people walk in, and you know, they make their deposit.

Some people don't give the cash. They hold on to it. They wait until dinner is served. They go to dinner. They are eating the chicken. Chicken is kind of dry. They take a hundred out of the envelope, "The food stinks. Take a hundred out."

Then at the end of the wedding, the bride and groom go up to the room. Before they do anything, they start opening these envelopes. Now, the groom takes out the black log book. What they going to do is they log the amount and the name that everybody that came to the wedding, right. So she will be like, "How much did Tina leave?"

"Ten dollars."

"Cheap bastards, 10 dollars."

The reason for this folks is because when Tina gets married... You go back to the book, and you look up Tina.

"You put 10 singles in that envelope."

Monday, May 9, 2016

How to treat a Nerd at work by Dane Cook

There's always that one creepy person somewhere in your life. I guarantee it. That's just when you were little. Then when you finally grow up, nee nee nee. That is the sound of growing up. Even now, at your job, there's a freak. There's a weird guy at every job that make you concern whenever he is around. And the strange thing about it. It's the same guy at every single job you go to. Right? He's there. You quit. Then you go to the new job, and you are like, "Oh my gosh. Is that the same guy from the other job? That's the guy -- The scary guy. Why am I talking at such a high voice. It's ridiculous. It makes no sense."

I can describe the guy. I can tell you right now. I can list all the features of this guy. First of all, he is not a fat guy. You would not say he is fat. He is shapes. He is like an amoeba. He has a different consistency like a lava lamp type of individual. He walks around very slow. He got this perfect orb, front butt right here. "What is that? It's perfect." It's like he has a botanical garden, and he growing potatoes on his tats. "What is that?" You want to see it, but you don't. You want to see, but you are awesome.

Nobody talks to that guy. He got those Blu blockers glasses on. You never sees his eyes. He gots the pocket with the jubilee of pens, coming out there. Just in case he has to write a lot. And nobody talks to that guy.

And if you were in the break room with a couple of friends and you see him coming morphing in out of your periphery, second he comes in, they like "Do you guys want to get the freak out of the break room? What do you guys want to do? Let's go up on the roof and break dance. Let's just go behind the vending machine. Can someone pull the vending machine, so I can go behind here? Move the machine please. Please."

Nobody talks to that guy. Let me tell you something. Any job that I had in my life. I talk to that guy. I would talk to him. I would find him on purpose. I would have little chit chats with him. I will be interested, I would be like, "By the way, here's a Snickers. It's for you. Peanuts and caramel. Put that in your mouth. Enjoy that."

You know why I talk to that guy. On that day finally comes, when he snaps, and comes to work with a shotgun, walking in the hall, "Pow. Pow. Pow." When he finally gets to my office, he'll be like, "Thanks for the candy."

Pow, Pow, Pow.

You laugh now, but you know Monday morning, you'll be like, "Hey, Marcus. How's your weekend. What did you do? Here, I bought some pens for your crazy pocket. I know you love pens. I love pens too. We should talk about pens some day. Inks, pens, caps, I love them.

Tuesday, May 3, 2016

Why Back to the Future is the Weirdest Movie by John Mulaney

Back then we would go see movies, any movies, like back to the future. That was the movie that everyone can see. Kids can see it. Great movie, right? I re-watched it recently. It's a very weird movie. Marty McFly is a 17 year old high school student. Who's best friend is a disgraced nuclear physicist.

And I shed you not. They never explained how they became friends. They never explained it. Not even in a lazy way like, "Remember when we met in the science building?" Like they don't even do that. And we were all fine with it. We were like, "What? Who's the best friend?"

A disgrace Nuclear physicist?

Alright, proceed.

What a strange movie to sell, to be a family movie. 2 guys that had to go in and do that -- They had to be like, "Ok. We got an idea for the next big action family comedy. Alright, it's going to be a guy named Marty. And he is very lazy. He always sleeping late."

Okay. Is he cool like Ferris Bueller?

No. But he does have his best friend. You know. Who is a disgrace Nuclear Physics.

I'm confused here. This best friend. Is it another student?

No. No. No. This guy is like 40 or 80... Even we don't know how old this guy supposed to be. But one day the boy and the scientist go back in time, and they build a time machine. Whow.

Ok. I see where you are going here. They build a time machine. And they go back in time. And they stop the Kennedy Assassination.

Ah... that is a very good idea. We didn't even think of that.

Alright, do they do with the time machine?

Well, now, I am embarrass to say. Alright, alright, we thought it would be funny... You know... If the boy, if he went back in time... You know... And tries to freak with his mom... I don't... We thought it would be fun for people... Good point. He doesn't get to. He doesn't get to. His family friend name Bif... He comes in and tries to rape the mom in front of the son. The dad has to beat the rapist off of her. And we are going to imply that a white man wrote the song, Johnny be good, so we are going to take that away from him.

Well this is the best movie idea that I have ever heard in my life. We are going to make 3 of them. You say they are going to the past. How about we call it Back to the Past.

No. No. No. Back to the Future.

Right. But you say. They go to the past.