Thursday, September 24, 2015

Dave Chappelle works at Burger King and Went to Jail twice


It feels good to do stand up again. Not that I don't like stand up. I just don't like microphones. I'm sick of talking in them. I mean. I used to work at Burger King for six years. I didn't work the mic. I worked the grill. A guy, named Steve, worked the mic. I thought it was a pain in the butt. Every time someone orders something, "Hi, how are you? Can I... Can I have a whopper with cheese?"

"Sure. Arrr... A Whopper with Cheese!"

You son of a beach. I'm right behind you. Just turn around and ask me for it, for a whopper.

You know Canada is nice. It's like a kinder and gentler America in a way. Even the police are nicer. I'm not saying they are nice. I don't know, but they just smile, at least. You know. I've been to jail before, twice -- not as a prisoner. One time was from childhood. I was suspended from school 23 times, during February. I wasn't bad though. I was just mischevious. I got hold of all my teacher's phone numbers. By the time, I thought it was funny. I was calling in death threats. I know that's bad man. My English teacher, Mr. Johnson, I called him up. He's all nice on the phone, "Hello, Johnson's Residence."

"Is this Mr. Johnson?"

"Yes it is. Who might this be?"

"You're a dead man Johnson."

"Who is this?"

"Shut up. Punk. You are going to die, unless you give Dave Chappelle good grades."

I don't know how he caught me. They put me on a program called Scared Straight. You ever heard of this? That is where they put bad kids like me in prison. And the prisoner start yelling at us with some scary stories. You know. Scare us into being good. And the other kids were scared. But I was not scared. I was having none of it, "Oh shut up convict. Like I'm going to take advice from you. You look like you are the right person that made all the right choices in life. You better wrap this up. I gotta be home by 3. What time you leaving?"

Another time I went to jail, it had nothing to do with me. I was bailing my friend out of jail, which is probably no big deal to you. But if you are black dude, you have to walk right into the belly of the beast. "The black dude wants to go to jail." I was scared. I had to look non-threatening. "Hey how are you? I'm here to bail out a friend of mine."

"Oh. Ok. While you are here, you do fit a description. If you just walk this way."

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