Thursday, September 10, 2015

Bill Burr loves Ebola and hates First Lady President Michelle Obama, and Hillary Clinton is like Tom Brady's Wife

Alright, how are you? How is it going? Thank you for coming out in the wonderful evening. I just got back from southeast Asia. I did some stand up over there. Really cool people. Wonderful people unbelievable poverty and stuff. I almost fall off the stage. It makes it hard to complain though. You know. You see that level of poverty. Come back, and your throat is all itchy and stuff. Probably got Ebola. You know. It would be a good thing to bring that here. You know. Just to thin out the traffic a little bit. Why don't ever let it burn through one time? Why do always have to jump on it?

Do you ever have one of those selfish thoughts? When a bunch of people that died, no one you knew or loved, right? And then the next day you tear right through the tunnel, 5 evening, right? The only thing you have to suppress is the guilt of not missing those people that you didn't know, right? I should not make fun of Ebola. I don't know anything about it. Other than that you get it, you have the unbelievable urge to go to the airport, alright. Yeah, I don't know what it is? Nobody get's Ebola, and has the decency to walk out into the woods by themselves, and just bleed out like a gentlemen, right? For some reason, you got to go right down to the airport, "Oh, can I downgrade to the middle seat. Blah. blah."

So I am sick of Obama's wife. Yeah. This isn't some republican rant either. It's just the first lady in general. You know. I don't know what it is. All throughout of my life, which each presidency, like these first ladies. They got more and more like chatty. You know. More and more chiming in. Like leaning into the frame, spitting out there ideas. It's like why are you talking? Right? You weren't even elected. Shut-up. Your husband is not running a lemonade stand, here. He is running the country. You just don't chime in.

Let me guess. It's considered sexist. It is? Why? OK. Let me ask you this. Let say you have a leak in your house. OK. You call the plumber up. He shows up, and he goes, "Yeah, the leaks coming from the upstairs bathroom. We got to shut off the valve." All of a sudden his wife walks in, who isn't a plumber. And she goes, "Yeah, I think it actually coming from the outside." What you be like, "With all due respect, shut the fuck up. I need a plumber in this moment."

I'll extend an olive branch here. At some point, there is going to be the first female president. Alright. Exactly. Which means at that moment, you are going to have the first male first lady, right? And when that happens, that dude needs to shut his trap. I don't want to hear a word out of him. I want to hear from the president. You sir, do some first lady stuff, alright. Go get yourself some gloves that goes up to your elbows. Smile and nod during speeches. Go put your own flares. Decorating the white house. Alright. Which leads you to Michelle Obama. Right? Now she is sitting there, holding out those hashtags, "Bring back our girls." Remember that. That blew my mind. Why are you showing me that? I'm a stand up comedian. Like what am I going to do to get those girls back? Won't you just look across the dinner table. You see that guy? That is the leader of the free world. Tell him to pick up the phone. Call some navy seals, and solve it. What am I going to do? Show up with a sharpen mic stand? "Oh, Michelle said to bring her back." Oh it's unreal.

I will tell you what kills me. Hilary Clinton might run. She might run. I don't know how she became a senator. She went from being the president's wife to senator. Just like that -- lateral movement. That's like Tom Brady wife becomes next quarterback for the rams. It's like what? You hanging out. You just pick it up. "I sucked at sports. Then I bang Tom Brady, and I don't know what happen. I just picked up a ball. I started lacing it. I'm leading receivers. It was incredible." I knew it is going to be like this.

You know what's funny. Some people think that a woman being president is a good idea. You know. Do you believe that? See that. They do. "That would do something. That would change things." How? How is that ever going to change things? Do you know how much a president makes a year? A president makes 400 grand a year. That's it. They are trying to keep billionaires in line. 400 grand a year. He makes less than people blogging on the internet. President should have F U money. right? He shouldn't be sitting with his pocket turns inside out, "I need your help. Give me a job." What you guys? Donate to the campaign? Is that what it is?


  1. Jesus, dude. Appreciate the transcript.

  2. Quantum Binary Signals

    Get professional trading signals delivered to your mobile phone every day.

    Start following our signals today & earn up to 270% daily.