Saturday, May 31, 2014

Baron Vaughn sings Disney Theme Songs Duck Tales, Dark wing Duck, Rescue Rangers, Gummy Bears

Around of applause if you have useless information in your head. Yes! Exactly! Speaking of music cause I have... I can't...can't get useless information out of there. You know. My brain just stacks up information like an episode of hoarders, and I can't... There's just things I can't just do anything... like it took me forever to figure out to be in a relationship... cause every time I want to put that somewhere, there's always someone like, "Sorry, Duck Tale theme songs are in here." That's them stacking the lyrics, fragmenting the lyrics.

And you know what that is not use for knowing that information. You cannot use that information in some sort of relationship in a fight that you might get into. Someone is like, "You know. I don't think you know how to communicate, relax, or just express yourself to anything to any human being. Any response to what I'm saying to you. "Life is like a hurricane. It is Duck Berg." What the hell are you talking about? "Race car blazing, airplane. It's a Duck Blur." And then she walks out and slams the door, which is great, and then I can freaking jam out man."Life, it's all a mystery or we rewrite history. Duck Tales. oooo oooo." I believe that was Pavlov was talking about. Yes. Wooo oooo. I was checking to see that is how you were feeling tonight.

By the way, I'm sorry if you just listen to that and you have no idea what I'm talking about. I'm sorry. I apologize if you do not know. I apologize to you as a human being if you do not know the early 90's Disney cartoon theme songs. Because it means you have missed out on THE definition of someone going for it. Because whoever sing those songs. Pulled no punches. There was a level of commitment that went straight into your soul. It's the closest... sadly, i think, the closest of my generation to Sam Cook or Marvin Gaye at their prime, at their prime... Donnie Hathaway commitment. Where you like, "Oh shit, is there danger right behind me?!" All of those. All those lyrics, such passion...

Cha cha chip and Dale, Rescue Ranger! Chip and Dale! When there's danger! Oh weeee oh Tale Spin. Oh wee aye. Tale spin. Dark wing Duck! Uh! Let's get dangerous! Goof troupe. We will always live together. Gummy Bears!

Then there's a key change that Aretha Franklin goes, "oh shit, I will live up to it."

Friday, May 30, 2014

Ron Funches Belongs in Oregon, and Loves the Muppet Babbies

My name is Ron Funches. I'm originally from the south side of Chicago, Illinois. Thank you. It deserves respect. Chicago is a rough place to grow up in. Especially if you are the only brother around the block that's bumpin Alanis Morissette. If you all want to know, I moved to Oregon, and I love it here. It reminds of Chicago with subtle differences. In Chicago, it was like, "oh snap, it's a crack head," Or "Oh snaps, it's a gang member." In Oregon, it has been, "oh snap? the blackberry season. It's a delicious situation I'm in.

Very happy that I left Chicago. I feel that I have never left I would have never tried some things that I would love and enjoy like ice coffee or white women. Those are both good. I'm just kidding. Coffee is gross. Every time I drink some, I get really sick, which leads me to believe I maybe allergic to energy, which I later found out it's not something you can put on a medical marijuana application. That's ridiculous. Marijuana has so many uses. when i have it, i write pretty much awesome jokes. When I run out, I still write pretty awesome poetry. I'm gonna share one with you guys, "I don't need new friends." That one is called just my thoughts.

Cause there's always one that tries to make me feel bad about what you enjoy. I call these people my parents-in-law. We have a weird relationship. I kind of treat them like a Walmart, which I'll explain. It means I really don't like going to them for anything. I prefer it that they stay out of my town, but I get a strange satisfaction from stealing from them. Glad that I'm not alone on that one. Mostly we don't get along cause they don't think I can smoke pot anymore now that I have a child. That I should be more responsible. I don't believe those things relate. In fact, I believe if we are going to sit around, watching cartoon, all day anyways. My son does not like the cartoon that I enjoy. We have to watch his.

I want to watch my favorite, like the Muppet Babies. Some people don't know the Muppet Babies. Everybody knows the Muppet. They did it, and have babies.  The babies were given a show, and it's a little weird. You can tell by the theme song. It starts off beautiful. It's just, "Muppet Babies will make our dreams come true. Bop doo wop doo. Muppet babies will do the same for you." And that part is beautiful. There were dreams coming true for everybody. But then it takes a turn. The next verse is, "If your room looks kind of weird and you wish you weren't there, then close your eyes, and make a believe. You can be anywhere. Oooo oooo." And that's pretty f*cked up. And I told my son, "If your room looks kind of wired and you wish you weren't there, do not make believe. Call the cops." They have made an error of some kind.

Perhaps I should get a real job, but they are so difficult to get. I don't currently have a good job hunting look I believe. You guys kindheartedly agreed. I have a useful look. I found out I have a look that makes a homeless go, "Can I have a... oh never mind."

John Mulaney is a Terrible Driver. He only knows about the Cosby Show.

Now when people make fun of me, I deserve it. Uh, I do. When people get mad at me now, it's all my bad. I'm a terrible driver. I know nothing about cars. I meant to learn about cars, but I forgot. Nothing that I know can ever help out with your cars ever. Unless you're like, uh, "Oh, I got a flat tire, does anybody here knows a lot about the Cosby Show?"

"Oh perhaps, I can be some assistance."

I'm one of the worst drivers I have ever seen. And I just want you to know that if you are in highway behind me. Uh I hear you honking. And I also don't want me to be doing what I'm doing. I don't like that I am in that lane either, but i sure like to get out of it.

I was on the highway in Texas recently. Highway filled with 13 years old, and I was on the far left lane. And as I was in the far left lane, it turned into a U turn, a U turn only lane. And I started to make a U turn. Then I panicked cause I didn't want to make a U turn, so I put the car in reverse. And then merged right back on the highway. The best thing about that was that after that, cars were pulling up, and looking over to see who just did that piece of shit move, expecting to see like a hundred year old blind dog whose texting while driving and drinking a smoothie. Instead they see a 28 year old, healthy man, trying his best.