Monday, August 3, 2015

Jim Gaffigan Loves McDonald's Fries Big Mac and admitting His Obsession


I reference McDonalds a lot cause I go to McDonalds. I love the silence that follows that statement -- like I just admitted to subordinate dog fighting or something, "How could you? McDonalds?" It's fun telling people you go to McDonalds. They're always give you that look like, "Ah Oh. I didn't know I was better than you?" No one admits going to McDonalds. They sold six billion hamburgers a day. There's only 300 million on this country. It's like, "Hmm... I'm not a calculus teacher, but I think everyones lying." Have you ever been to McDonalds, and you see a friend for a second? You're like, "Oh crap." Eventually you are like, "Hey, Hey, What's going on?" They're like, "I'm just here for the 99 cents ATM. What are you doing here Jim?"

"I'm just meeting a hooker. Certainly not eating here. That's for sure. Yeah, she should be here by now."

Cause we all should know better by now, right? We all read the articles, seeing those documentaries. It's the same message, "Look McDonalds is really bad for you. It's really high in fat and calories." And we don't even know where the meat comes from. And we're like, "That's disgusting. I'll have a big mac, a large fry, and 2 gallon drum of coke." Because there's a McDonalds denial. We all embrace it. No ones going in there innocent. We are walking in a red and yellow building with a giant M over it. "What is this? A library? Well, I'll get some fries while I'm here." Because those McDonalds fries are truely amazing, right? Have your mother made anything good as a McDonalds fries? Not even close. We lie to ourselves when we eat at McDonalds. We like, "It's so thin. It couldn't be that fattening." Have you ever eatten too many McDonalds fries? Of course not. There's never enough of them. There's always that moment when you're eating McDonalds fries that you were like, "What happened? Where they go? Then you go scrouging for the fry crumbs. You're like,"Hmmm... oh that's just a piece of paper from a straw. But it was touching the fry so..." Sometimes there's a loose fry in the bag. You know -- the bonus fry? It's like Jesus up in heaven, "Give him an extra fry. He'll pay if forward."

By the way, that's how Jesus sound -- or at least I hope. You don't want to meet Jesus, and he's like, "Hey, yah, how you doing? You been turning the other cheeks. I gave you the bonus fry for a reason."

The bonus fry is always extra long, and you're like, "How did i miss you? Bonus fry, you get your own ketchup packet." You always savour the last fry. I'm going to turn this into 10 bites, "Oh I meet you up later. I'm going to eat this bonus fry." These fries are amazing -- for what, 7 minutes? Then they turn into something like not biodegradable.

Have you ever made a mistake reheating McDonald's fry in the microwave? They become packing peanuts. It doesn't stop you from eating. You're like, "These are not even good anymore. How is yours? Yours aren't good either."

Fries can't get cold. Shakes can't get warm. Have you ever leave McDonald's shake out for an hour? Reality sets in, "This is not even made from milk. It's just some kind of chocolate mucus." But we all know this. We know McDonald's commercial aren't realistic. I would like to see one commercial that shows people 5 minutes after they ate McDonald's, "Ugh... Now I need a cigarette. I deserve a cigarette break today." But they get us in there, you know.

Some of those deals they offer are just cruel -- 2 big macs for 2 bucks. I drive by, "Well, I don't wanna lose money on this. I'll get 80 of them." I know some of you are like, "Sorry white trash guy, I don't eat McDonald's." I have friends that brag about not going to McDonald's, "Oh, I would never go to McDonald's." Well, McDonald's would not want you because you're a dick. I'm tired of people acting like they are better than McDonald's. It's like you never set foot in McDonald's, but you have your own McDonald's. Maybe instead of buying a big mac, you read US Weekly. Hey, that's still McDonald's. It's just served up a little different. Maybe your McDonald's just telling yourself that Starbucks frappe-late is not a milkshake. Or maybe you watch Glee. It's all McDonald's. McDonald's of the soul. Momentary pleasure followed by incredible eventually leading to cancer. Oh, I'm loving it. We all have our own. We all have our own McDonalds. It may take me a while digest my quarter pounder with cheese, but that tramp stamp is forever. Do Do Do Do Do. Mistake.

Really, it's all McDonald's out there, right? How can we all name 3 different people that dated Jenifer Aniston. It's McDonald's. And we gobble it up like McDonald's fries like, "Who is she dating now. I know I shouldn't but so salty. Is she pregnant yet? It's not even my business. Johanson got a haircut? Why do I give a shit?" Because it's McDonald's. And it feels good going down. By they way if you care who prince William married, that's burger king. That's not even our gossip.

I just love this societal outrage of McDonald's, "McDonald's has no nutritional value. It has no vitamins." McDonald's is like, "Excuse me, we sell burgers and fries. We never said we are a farmer's market. Heck, our spokesperson is a petefile clown from the 70s. What do you want from us america? But I always raised from McDonald's, and I turned out... well, that's not the best reasoning. McDonald's has given us so much. We wouldn't know when breakfast ends if there was no McDonald's. I'll be eating eggs at 5pm like a moron. Thank you McDonald's. How are we suppose to know Saint Patrick's day without the shamrock shake. Thank you McDonald's. Without McDonald's, how would I communicate to the world that I give up. Cause if you are over the age of 10 and you are eating McDonald's, you have given up a little bit.

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