Monday, August 10, 2015

Mitch Hedberg famous Yogurt, Bigfoot, Pringles, Turkey, and Wait list Party of 3 bit


Some Canadian television exposure, finally. I gotta find out when this airs, so when I come into this country, I'll be ready for the adulations. I have been to David Letterman show twice. Anybody see me? Hey I be damn. Like 4 million watching that show, and I don't know where the hell they are. That's my favorite introduction that I ever had. "You might heard of this next comedian on the david letterman show, but I believe more people have seen me at the store." And that would be a better introduction. "You might have seen this next comedian at the store." And people would say, "Hell yes I have."

I opened a yogurt. And underneath the lid, it says, "please try again." They were having a contest that I was unaware of. But I thought I might have opened the yogurt wrong. Or Yo-plait was trying to inspire me, "Come on Mitch, Don't give up. Please try again. A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait. Fruit on the bottom. Hope on top."

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to too.

I like to play black jack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle. My friend is a blackjack dealer. And on his forearm, he has a tattoo of an ace and a jack. You see. I'm a blackjack player. On my forearm, I'm gonna get a tattoo of a 10 and a 2. And maybe later a king.

I think Bigfoot is blurry. That's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me because there's a large out of focus monster, roaming in the country side.

One time this guy handed me a picture, and said, "Here is a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger. Ain't it about time someone said that.

I think pringles initial attention was to make tennis balls. But on the day the ball was suppose to show up, a big truck load of potatoes arrived. And pringles said, "What the hell. Cut them up."

I think a roaster is a really morbid Ferris wheel for chickens. It's a very scary piece of machinery. We will take the chicken and paint it and rotate it. And I'll be damn if I am not hungry. Because spinning chicken caucuses makes my mouth water.

If you go to the grocery store and you stand in front of the lunch meat section for too long, you start to get pissed off at turkeys. You see like turkey ham, turkey pastrami, turkey bologna. Some one needs to tell the turkeys, "Man, just be yourself." I already like you little brother. You don't need to emulate like the other animals. You got your own thing going.

I had a apartment in Los Angeles, and I had a neighbor. whenever he knocked on my wall, I knew he wanted me to turn my music down. That made me angry cause I love loud music. So I knock on his wall to mess with his head. I would say, "Go around. I cannot open the wall. I don't know if you have door knob on the other side, but over here there's nothing."

I like Kitkat unless I am four or more people.

When I wear t shirts, I can only wear v necks because my neck is very fragile. I cannot wear regular neck shirts. It hurts. And I especially hate turtle necks. Wearing a turtle neck -- it's like being strangled by a really weak guy -- all damn day. If you wear a turtle neck and a backpack, it's like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

You know restaurants over the weekends get busy, so they start a waiting list. They start calling out names. They say like, "Dufran party of 2. Table ready for Dufran party of 2." And if no one answers, they would say the name again, "Dufran party of 2." But if no one answers, they go on to the next name, "Bush party of 3." Yeah, but what happened to Dufran? No one seems to care. Who can eat like a time like this? People are missing. You people are selfish. Dufran is in someones trunk right now with duck-tape over thier mouth, and they are hungry. That's a triple whammy. We need help. Bush search party of 3. You can eat once you find the Dufran.

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