Thursday, August 28, 2014

Brian Regan UPS trouble with Girth and Procedures of Box Deliver Pickup

We just moved. I called UPS. Ask them to help out with some boxes. They are good service, but you gotta have information ready about your boxes before you can call them. I had no idea. I called them up, "Yeah, I have 10 boxes. Can you come over and pick them up?"

"We need to know the weight and the girth."

"Ok. Good bye."

So I called back. "We need the weight and the girth."

"Ok. I don't know what the weight is, and uhm I don't know what girth means. So now what's the procedure?"

So this guy talks to me like i'm four years old, "Well, do you have a bathroom scale?"

"Yeah, but if I put the box on the scale, it's gonna cover up the NUMBERS." What I do? take it off very quick? "Ah, zero. I'm not fast enough." What's he talking about?

So then he gives me like his Mr. Wizard formula, "How about if you stand on the scale, and then weight yourself. Then get off the scale. Pick up the box. Get back on, and where you and the box together. Subtract your own weight."

I'm going, "slow down. Hold on professor."

I know this guy never tried this cause I tried it, and you can't still see the NUMBERS.

What am I, Mr. Olympia? "3 pounds."

And then I had to hang up in the middle of his girth formula. He kept on ensuring me it was easy, "You know the girth is very simple to figure out. You take the length and double that by the smaller height after yoiu triangular the hypothesis of the thrid side."

"Ok. I gotta go. I'm getting another call. Yeah, I'm too stupid to talk to you. I just don't want to get along with you any longer."

So this is true. I figured I call up, and make up some numbers, you know. Let him come out and pick them up. If it's wrong, I'll pay the difference. Just dispatch the truck. Please. So I called back, "Yeah, uhm. I have 10 boxes. And... Uhm. No. I'm the other guy. And they all weight exactly 22 pounds, and they all have a girth of -- 3."

"Three what?"

"Three -- girth units. Come pick them up. Please. I'm begging you. They're boxes, and they're brown. And they have tape all on them. And they probably fit on a dolly."  Why must you torture me?

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Russell Peters Shops For a Purse at Pacific Mall Bargaining with Chinese Man to be The Man

Are you Chinese?


Ooo. I said. Ooo. I just said your last name.

That you can't do business together - Chinese people and Indian people cannot do business together. Cause Indian cannot live without a bargain. And Chinese people cannot give you a bargain. Their objective is to get every penny from you. And our is to keep everything. This is a really power struggle here. I went to this Chinese mall, some of you may know it, pacific mall. That's a wrong place for an Indian guy to go. I saw this bag. I wanted to buy this bag. I go, "How much?"

He goes, "35 dollars."

"um. How about 30?"

And Chinese people never tell you no. They will tell you no, the longest no you ever heard in your life like you just said the most ridiculous thing that they ever heard in your life.

"I give you 30."

"Noooooo. Nooooo. I can't do 30 dollars. If I sell you 30 dollars today, today you come tomorrow I close down."

I'm like, "Alright, give me a deal on the purse. I don't want to pay 35 bucks."

"Ok. One second. Let me talk to my wife. One second. Thank you. Dim lah. Xing. Xing. Chew Chew Wah. Han Goi. Ok. You seem like a nice guy. I give you best price, 34.50."

I'm like, "That's 50 cents."

He goes, "50 cents is alot of money! YOu save 50 cents here, and then maybe you go somewhere else and save another 50 cents. Then you have 1 dollar. Then you take your dollar. You go to the dollar store, and you buy something else."

This guy starts turning into my money manager or something, "Let me financial plan for you."

I'm like, "You know what dude. Forget it. I don't want it. It's not a deal."

He starts telling me some stuff that has nothing to do with anything.

I'm like, "I'm leaving."

He goes, "Hey! Be a man! Be a man! Do the right thing!"

"What you talking about doing the right thing?"

"Maybe you don't buy the purse right now. You go some other mall, and you see something else. You don't buy. You come back. You say, 'eh, I want the purse for 34.50.' I say, 'Noo. You don't get for 34.50.' Now price goes up 40 dollars - Be a man."

Monday, August 25, 2014

Dave Chappelle Sesame Street Impressions of Big Bird and Count Dracula and Snuffleupagus and Cookie Monster

I turn on Sesame Street. I'm like, "oh, Sesame Street. It's much better cause you can learn how to count and spell. Now, I'm watching it as an adult, and I realized Sesame teaches kids other things. It teaches kids how to judge people and label people. That's right. There's a character on there name Oscar. They treat this guy like shit, the entire show. They judge him right in his face, "Oscar, you are so mean. Isn't he kids?"

"Yeah Oscar, you're a grouch."

He's like, "Bitch, I live in a trash can! And nobody is helping me."

And you wonder why kids step over homeless people, "Get it together grouch. Get a job grouch."

Nobody tell me how to get to Sesame Street. That is a terrible place. I wouldn't go there if I knew. Who would want to live in a neighborhood like that, a 6 foot pigeon walking around, an elephant who's a junkie, "hi bird." Yeah, that's right Snuffy, "Hi bird, I'm sick. I need some snack bird."

And cookie monster with his eyes popping out of head, "Cookie! Cookie! Cookie!" Like uh, what kind of cookies are you talking about?

And they had the nerve to put a pimp on there. They did not come out and say he's a pimp, but I know a pimp when I see one. They call them the count. He had a cape and everything. He says the pimping, "Where is my money? You've been late 4 times. I've been counting. How many times must I smack you before you act right? Psh 1, psh 2, 2 smacks. Ha ha ha ha ha."

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Mixed South African Comedian Studies Black Culture in America Trevor Noah

Good Evening. I grew up in South Africa. That's where I still live, and I enjoy it. Grew in a time called the partite. For those who don't know, partite is a law in our country that made it illegal for black and white people to interact with one another. You know. It was against the law. So this law was awkward for me growing up cause I grew up in a mixed family. Well me being the mix one in the family. My mother was a black woman. Born in south Africa. That's part of the language is the click. My father is Swiss. They didn't care. You know. They were mavericks, fighting the system. My mom was arrested for being with my dad. She'll get fined. She'll get thrown in prison for the weekend. And still she comes back, "I don't care. I don't care. Come tell me what you love. I want a white man. Oooo." She's crazy, my mom. You know. And my dad, was also like Swiss. He can't have enough chocolate. So he was... He was in there. You know.

So they got together, and they had me, which was illegal, so I was born a crime, which is something they never thought through. Because as a family, we could not live together. You know. Like in the streets, we couldn't even be seen together. My father had to walk on the other side of the road. He would wave at me from afar like a creepy Pedophile. I didn't have to say creepy. I mean like a Pedophile. Creepy and maybe some other Pedophile. Actually there is none. There's no classy Pedophile. No need. Like, "Afternoon ladies. Afternoon. No. No. Just browsing. It's so classy." No. No. It's a Pedophile. My mom could walk with me, could walk with me. But if the police shows up, she has to let go of my hand and drop me. Then act like it was not hers, every single time. Cause we're suppose not to exist as a family, so my mom would let go. It's like a little game we play. Like police would show up, "whooow." She be like, "ooops. I don't know. I don't know. No. It's not mine. It's not mine." It was horrible for me. I felt like a bag of weed.

It was a tough time. The down side of being light was just that I was different. People mocked me, calling me names like mix breed, half cause. Why half? Why half? Why not double? Or twice as nice? I don't know. They can give you weird names. I wanted to be black to be honest. That's what I ever wanted. Especially when I was growing up, I met an American. And uh. He was shocked that in South Africa we have all these titles. He said to me, "Well you know. Trevor. If you come to America, they will label you as black. I said, "really?" He goes, "Hell yeah. Ha ha ha. Yeah, everybody is black out there. Yeah, you'll be super black." I'm like, "Well, that sounds good to me, super black."

I made a choice. First chance I get to America, I'm gonna get that piece of that black. And I did. I bought a flight. It was a 18 hours journey, Johannesburg to New York. I didn't sleep a wink. I sat there in my chair like a mad man, watching every single black american movie i can find, siting there, going crazy, practicing like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, you naw what I mean. Yeah. King Kong ain't got shit on me. Yeah. Yea." I'm like, "Oh sorry. The chicken please, the chicken. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah. Put it in your mouth. Yeah."

18 hours of flight, 18 hours of practice -- I landed in New York, and I was fluent in my black american, "Fo shizzle my nizzle." I had the walk. I was so black, even I was laughing. I was like, "ha ha ha. Yeah, ha ha ha. Oh my man. My man. Oh that's you? This you? This you? Ha ha ha."  That is the coolest thing in the world. Black Americans are so confident that they make you feel good about yourself just by asking if you are you. It's just magic. They just walk up to me, and "A yo, Aye Yo. Is that you? This you? Nah, nah. For reals man. This you?" And you'll be like, "yeah, I think it is." And I was that black.

I was super black. I was loving it until this guy walked up to me. He didn't even know me, didn't even know me. He tapped me on the shoulder, and was like, "Que paso? Que el anos? No? Come on papi. Que como?" I said, "Say what? Are you talking to me?" He's all, "Yeah, I'm talking to you, man. I'm just saying. We made it baby. We made it, yeah? Now that we are here. Our kind - We gotta stick together, hombre." Our kind? 18 hours of flying, and I was not black. I was Mexican. Mexican.

So I started learning Spanish. If not, why not. And I also started learning German. I learn German to connect with my father. You know. Lost contact for many years because of the partite, so now we started to learn each other, which is taking time. We are doing it slowly. I think the language will help me. You know. I don't think he's proud of me. He loves me, but I have not earned his pride. I think part of it is my job. As a comedian, I don't rank that high world of German anythings. Comes across in a small conversation. You know. One day we were having lunch, my dad looks at me, "Trevor, what do you do now, eh? You got a job? You work?" I said, "yeah dad, I'm a comedian, stand up comedian." So, "yeah, yeah, a clown, yeah?"

German is holding me back. I dream impressing him with his language. I go to his house one day. He'll welcome meet me at the gate, "Oh, ah, clown boy." I'll be like, "Guten tag father." It's epic. It gots that feeling. So I started learning. I learn in different ways. You know. Watch German movies. Play German speeches in my iPod. When I sleep, your brains remember things that you don't know. That is beautiful. The only hiccup was I downloaded some of Hitler's speeches. It's not like google warned me. Don't judge me. Google was not like, "not those ones." They just let me download everything. And uh. So I learned some of his nuances, not his philosophies. It's just that. I was told that when I speak german sometimes I sound like instinctively Hitler-ish.

Which I found out in Germany is not the best place to find out that you got Hitler vibes. I would rather find that at home. And uh. It's funny now, not much so then. I was in Cologne, Germany - Beautiful area. I would never forget. I was walking around. I went into like a sandwich shop - One of those subways where you make your own sandwich. I walked in. The woman was really nice to me. She was like, "Guten tag." I looked at her, and I was like, "Confidence Trevor. Confidence." I was like, "Guten tag. Ich en nine." At least she said I was black.

Monday, August 18, 2014

Bill Cosby talks about the Lord and Noah Behind the Scene Conversation

I want to talk to you by a fellow name Noah who built an ark. Now everybody knows when I ask you a question what he does. They will say, "Well, he built an ark." But very few people know the actual conversation that went on between the Lord and Noah. You see. Noah was a carpenter, and he was in his rec room, sawing a way, making a few things for the home there. "woo-pah. woo-pah. woo-pah."


"woo-pah. woo-pah. woo-pah."


"Who is that?"

"It's the Lord, Noah."

"Right. Where are you? What do you want? I've been good."

"I want you to build an ark."

"Right. What's an ark?"

"Go out into the woods collect all the animals in the world by two and make the ark out of cubic, 80 cubic, 40 cubic, 30 cubic."

"Right. What's a cubic?"

"Let's see a cubic. I used to know what is a cubic. Well, don't worry about that. Just go out and collect all those animals by twos: male and female, and put them into the ark."

"Right. Who is this really? What's going on? How come you want me to do all these weird things."

"I'm going to destroy the world."

"Right. Am I on candid camera? How are you going to do it?"

"I'm going to make it rain for a thousand days, and drown them out."

"Right. Listen. You do this, and you'll save water. Let it rain for 40 days, and 40 nights, and wait for the sewers to back up."


Friday, August 15, 2014

Bill Cosby describes Chess As the Game of Life Created by Women

The game of chess: supposedly men made it up. And it's about war, men, savageness, bravery, genius, commanding, moving, pieces... NO. It's marriage. The queen - moves anywhere she wants, picking off people. And what happens to the king? He's moving one square...

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Robin Williams Impression of Scotsman Inventing Golf in a Drunk Bar Whacking Away with A Stroke

If you want a linguistic adventure, go drink with a Scotsman. Cause you can't understand him before. You land in Scotland,  "Dude la in way. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. begin yeah. Fuk yah born la bored. Lick la luck in yeah. Sure. Fook yah. Sure eh? Creeks luck on the floor butt yeah eh. Oh sure. You dumb fookin bastards. You realize i'm here."

And then you realize how drunk they get. They wear a skirt, and not care. And all they can invent is a sport like golf, "Here's my idea for fookin sport. I knock a ball in a golfer hole."

"Oh you mean like pool?"

"Fuk off pool. Not with a straight stick, but with a fuk up stick. I whack uh ball, and goes in a golfer hole."

"Oh you mean like cricket?"

"Fuk cricket. I put the hole hundreds a yards away. Oh fukin yeah. It's great fun eh."

"Oh like a bowling thing?"

"Oh Fuk nooooo! Not thing? I put shit in a way like trees and bushes and high grass, so you can lose your fukin ball. Then go whacking away with giant iron. Whacking away with each time you miss like you are about to have a stroke. Fuk! That's what we'll call it. A stroke. cause Every time you miss, you feel like you going to fukin die. Oh fukin! This going to be brilliant. Straight at the end, I'm going to put a flat piece with a little flag - to give you fukin hope. But then I put a pool and a sand box to fuk with you balls again. I'll be there trashing your ass, jerking away in the sand."

"And we do this one time?"

"Fuk no! 18 fukin times."

Then we have a sport. We can dress like a pimp, and no one will care. Where you can wear clothes where a blind gay man will go, "Oh dear crises. Those are loud. This is no carnival.
 What the fuk are you on?"

Even the alligators are going, "Ass hole."

It's just an athletic, exciting sports too. I hit the ball. I get in the cart. I hit the ball. I get in the cart.

And the commentary are electrifying, "on the green. can people be quiet? I would like to hear the grass grow."

I want the guy that does Mexican soccer to do golf one time, "The ball going. The ball is going... Hoooooooooooooooooooole. Oh lay!"

Just to see all those motha fukers go, "Oh dear crises. Oh my. Oh shit."

They were the king. That  was their dominance until Tiger. Son of a black man and son of a Thai woman. Not even a German genetics can think of that one up. Black athletics ability, Buddhist concentration. Chi-Thai.