Demetri Martin describes a New Model Cigarettes that can Motivate Addicts to Quit

Smoking is a big problem. We can't get people to quit smoking. And warnings don't work. I think you got to change the cigarette. You know what I mean. If you change the shape of the cigarette, maybe that would do it. You get a cigarette that has like 2 balls hanging from... "This does not look as cool when it used to. I got to quit. This is ridiculous." Surgeon general warning: Cigarettes may contain tiny hairy balls.

When somebody commits a murder suicide, that is somebody not thinking through the afterlife. "Bam, you're dead. Bam, I'm dead. Oh, hey, f.... this is going to be awkward forever."

When there is somebody who is dead and someone does something that the person would not have liked, they say that person is spinning in their grave. But I don't understand why they say that. Why is spinning the corpse shows disapproval? That does not make any sense. I mean if we show disapproval, when we are alive, then that would make sense. "Man, I am so piss at you right now. You have no idea how mad I am."

"Awe crap. Demetri is spinning. Let's get out of here."

If I live below a tap dancer, I would put really powerful magnets on the ceiling. "What's that? We aren't tapping anymore. Are we? More of a tap stander we got up there. Oh now we are moving, through the window. Oh, there we go."