Monday, July 27, 2015

Funny Jim Gaffigan on Seafood Lobster Crabs Oysters Clams Octopus and Snots Obsession in Boston

It's good to be here in Boston. This is... Boston is a tough city. Right? It's like, "Boston! Boston. Boston." I love the Boston energy. And you guys... All of Boston... You guys love your seafood, and it's just disgusting. "Lobster. Lobster..."

I was vacationing in cape-cod cause i'm white. And I was at this seafood restaurant, right? And this guy came over to our table. And it wasn't even our waiter. He came up to us, "Ah you not even eating Lobster. Is there a reason why you are not eating Lobster?" I was like, "Uh, I thought I ordered what I want. I was not really in the mood for bug meat." Cause that's what shell fish are... They are just creepy, crawly giant insects at the bottom of the ocean. You know fish are swimming are like, "We gonna get an exterminator up in this space." They're bugs. They have a shell like a bug. They have spindle legs and crawl around like a bug. They have an antenna like a monster. They're probably monsters. Like if you went home and you saw a chicken in the house, you'll be like, "What the hell a chicken doing in my house." But if you saw a lobster, you'll be like, "We'll moving." Cause there's not a nickel worth of different between a lobster and a giant scorpion. Yeah, I understand everyone loves lobsters, "I love lobsters." Hey, I like butter too, ok? "How can I eat three sticks of butter. Oh, I found this giant swimming sea scorpion." It's just a spoonful of butter that helps the bug meat go down -- in the most delightful way.

Lobster tail? "Is that the area near the butt? Mmm... Yummy... That's what I want -- a little bun turd butt. Yum. Yum. Yum." How about those restaurants that you have to pick out your own lobsters. You're like, "I guess I'll take that one that's really struggling with the rubber-bands. He sees appealing. Why don't we boiling him to death."

Why am I involved with this decision?

But in the northeast, it's all shellfish -- Maryland with the crab. Isn't it a red flag that you need a hammer to eat a red crab. "Oh, you are having a crab? Let me get you some tools, so you can crack open that bug shell, and get that half a bite of bug meat." Crab -- it's too much work. It's like the pistachio of seafood. And there's that nasty part that you are not suppose to eat. I think it's called, "all of it. Cause there crabs as in they're sexually transmitted disease. That has the same name cause it exact same thing." They're just the baby version of the dinner crab. You know gods up in heaven going, "What I gotta do to stop them from eating the crabs. I gave it a rock hard shell. I put it at the bottom of the ocean. I named a disease after it. Jesus, you would have to go back down there." I don't even know how people order crabs with a straight face. "You know. My wife and I... You know I'll get crab, and I'll give her some. Don't tell her. I want it to be a surprise." Even crab as a creature is creepy. It looks like it's trying to avoid an awkward situation. "Oh I owe that guy money, crap."

Clams and oysters? How do we even start eating those? "Hey I found a rock with a snot in it. I was think of eating it." Go ahead. "Alright." What does it taste like? "Anemone." Oyster in a half shell? As suppose to what? Kleenex? Even the was you suppose to eat an oyster, "Just squeeze some lemon. Put a little hot sauce. Throw it back of your throat. Then take a shot of vodka. They try to forget snot rock." That's not how you eat something. That's how you overdose on sleeping pills. "Pearls come from Oyster." Yeah, I try not to eat things that also makes jewelry. Oysters are an aphrodisiac? Why would we ever believe that. "Why don't you and I grab some snots from rock? See what happens... We might end up in my place or the emergency room?"

Clam chowder -- "How can we sell more clams? Why don't we put in a soup that looks like vomit." He went to far... Let's kill him.

But most seafood gives me the willy, like anchovy. What exactly the difference between an anchovy and a sweaty eyebrow. Cause every time I see an anchovy, I go, "Someone has attacked Tom Sellick. Why would you put that in a salad?" Squid is more like a swimming sea spider. "But I like calamari." You can deep fry a rubber hose, and it would taste good. "Hey, a little cocktail sauce. It is good hose."

Octopus? really?! Octo meaning 8. Pus meaning "Really?" Yes pus part is my favorite. The suction cups reminds me we need new bathroom mats.

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