Thursday, June 26, 2014

Christian Comedian, Michael Junior, Out Prays the Professional Priest

I remember going to church as an adult, right. For the first time I started going to church, and I would walk in. And the pasture said, "I want you to pray with your neighbor." And I'm like, "My neighbor don't go to this church. You want me to call my neighbor on the phone? That's creepy. I ain't going to do that."

And then he explained to me. Your neighbor is the person sitting right next to you. Listen. I'm brand new at this christian stuff. I don't. I don't even know I'm suppose to pray out loud. Let alone this lady.  I don't even know this lady. What am I suppose to pray about? "Lord help these bump goes down on this lady's face." I don't know what to pray about. I don't know what to pray about, right.

She went first, praying all good. She must have been John's Baptist Little sister. She was like, "Dear heavenly father, you said your word  in the sixth chapter, on the 33rd verse, the book of Matthew's, 600 first word on page 1248, Lord you said, but see as in search for anywhere, e as in excellent, k as in kingdom, alpha Lisa, jay ray, Jehovah, rota." I'm thinking, "Man she even knows her nick names."

Now, it's my turn to pray, right. But I don't have the spiritual vocabulary as this... But I am not going to let her out pray me, "So OK god. First of all  you are a good people. You know you are good. Lord, you were good to the last drop. Lord, uh. Lord, I just got obey
my thirst lord. You know cause choosy mom choose Jesus, so... Is the rocket red glare lord? It gave proof to the light lord. I believe I can fly. A men."

Monday, June 23, 2014

Gabriel Iglesias describes Indian People Robbing a Bank

I love and respect Indian People. I'm gonna tell you something right now. Indian people in the United States are the hardest working people that I have ever seen. And that's coming from a Mexican, okay. And I'll tell you why I say this. You will never seen an Indian person with a sign that says, "we'll work for food," in the United States. And you will never see an Indian person committing a crazy crime. Like when was the last time you remember an Indian robbing a bank. Everybody, "ah, I can't remember, bro." Cause it doesn't happen. First of all Indian people are so nice. And they are so  sweet. And I  can't see it. When you rob a bank, you need authority. You need come in gun blazing, "I said, get your ass on the ground now."

I can't imagine, "Would you please take the money. Why are you laughing?! I am talking to you. Forget this. I"m out of here. I don't need this."

He gets in the car. His partner waiting for him, "You get the money?"

"They would not give me the money."

"Did you show them the gun?"

"I show them the gun."

"We gotta to hurry. They are gonna call the police."

"They are still laughing."

"Where did you get the computer?"

"They thought I was tech support."

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Jerry Seinfeld take on Airplanes with their little tiny details: directions, seat belts, and the snotty look

And then you get on the plane. The pilot, of course, has to always come on the P.A. system. This guy is so excited about being a pilot. He cannot even stand himself, "Well, I am going to take it up to about 20,000. And then I'm going to make a left by Pittsburgh. And then I'm gonna make a right by Chicago. And then I'm going to bring down 15,000." He gives you all this room and all his moves. We are in the back going, "Yeah, fine. That's all... You know. Do whatever hell you gotta do. You know.  It end up where we're going on the ticket, really."

Do I ever bother him on what I'm doing? Knocking on the cockpit door, "I'm having the peanuts now. Yeah, that's what we're doing back here. Thought I keep you posted. I'm not going to have em all now. I'm just gonna have a few. I don't want to finish it cause it's just a big bag."

Then the stewardess has to come out, and they have to do their little emergency equipment show, you know. That thing they do as the other one raise and acts it out, "Hey we have seat belts and oxygen mask. These are the things for you to use." They show you how to use the seat-belt. Just in case you have not been in a car since 1965. "Oh you lift up on the buckle? oh? I was trying to break the metal apart. I thought that's how it works. I was going to try to tear the fabric part of the belt. I thought if I get it started."

Then they always point out the emergency exit. It's always with that vague point. Isn't it? Where the hell would these places be? Planes in a 90 degree angle. Your hair is on fire, and you are looking for this. How do you think? She is thinking I'm getting out before you're getting out. You're dead. You're dead. I'm gone.

And then they always have to close that first class curtain too. And they always give you that little look, "Maybe if you were to work a little harder, I wouldn't have to do this."

It's all tiny world on an airplane. Isn't it. It's always that little tiny table there for the tiny computer, food, cramped seats, tiny utensils, tiny liquid bottles, tiny bathroom, tiny sink, tiny mirrors, tiny faucets. So the small problem will be a slight delay, "We will be a little late."

I always go in the airplane bathroom. Even if I don't have to go, I always go in there. It's nice. It's like your own apartment on the plane. Isn't it? Go in there lock the door. The lights come on after a couple of seconds. It's like a little surprise party.

But i know with the amount of equipment they have in that place... I mean it's a little, but they have tissue, towels, closets, compartments. There's a tiny slots for used razor blades. They always have that. Who is shaving on the plane? And shaving so much? They're using up razor blades. Is this what's happening? what is it? Is the wolf-man flying for crises sake? Who can shave that much?

Thursday, June 12, 2014

Esau McGraw babysits his 3rd Grade Uncle

Got to get the money, so I can continue to avoid my family. They think I'm rich because I'm on tv. They all irregular man. Starting with my Grandma. Have 13 kids when she was way to young when she isn't suppose to. My mom also 13, get 8 kids of her own. She started getting them way to young when she isn't suppose to. I'm the middle of her 8. Long story short: I'm raising my uncle. He 9. I'm a grown man. He in 3rd grade. I'm his nephew. I pick up this punk from school. He jumps into my car, and he pulls up a family rant, "Fool make a left."

"I know where your house is. You living with me punk."

"When you go home. You better go to bed."

"No, you go to bed."

"No. you gonna go to bed."

"No. you gonna go to bed."

"You know my mama is yo mama's mama."

"I know. Yo mama is my mama's mama. Get your hands off my face uncle James."

My whole family is irregular. My cousin lost 115 pounds. They don't tell you is when you lose that much weight. You are gonna have all that extra skin left. This dude come to my house to go swimming. He took off his shirt. I'm like, "Man, what you doing, wearing that leather cape. Tuck your saggy back in. Nobody want to see that." He jump in the water. His skin expanded. He glide around the pool like a sting ray.

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

James Adomian loves Playing Gay Football at Center Position with the Hottest Quarterback

Hey Y'all, How you doing? Uh, I'm excited because football season is around the corner. Yeah, I play football for many years. I'm just curious. Anybody else here play football? No? Oh okay, I got a couple of them. Were you by any chance a closeted gay kid on the football team, like I was? That was fun. That was fun. I was really good at that. You should try it sometimes if you have eligibility. I was actually a center. That was the position I played, and center is the perfect position for a gay kid for the football team. Because you are the one bent over and you are hiking the ball through your legs to the quarterback, the hottest guy in the known universe. And that's your job. And you just like, "I'm ready whenever you are, Patrick." That's obviously not my radio voice, but that's still my inner closet voice that I carried with me. Outwardly, it's more like, "Alright dudes, let's show this other Christian team which side Jesus wants to kick ass. And I know what you want to do, Patrick. I don't need to know the snap count because I can feel the energy in your fingers. And you want the ball now. And now I gonna keep all the other boys away from you. You're mine." I was good at football. That's how  you play that sport. Well, I should change Patrick's name because he is a real guy. He's out there.

So I am gay. I'm openly gay. It's my thing. I'm a proud homo american. That's a weird. That's a phrase maybe George W. Bush would have used, "I'm proud of all those homo americans out there. And I'm solely salute for their service. But I firmly believe that the constitution between 1 man and 1 woman. God bless you all to death."

I'm gay. Sorry ladies. Your welcome fellas. Are there any gay people here tonight? I'm just curious. We got a few. That's alright. That's enough so we can fight our way out of here if we have to. Is anybody here in the closet? Uh, I thought I check as long as I'm asking. I think it would be amusing if you could pull off being a public figure and be openly in the closet. If you can somehow make that happen, like a comedian. Like, "it's my thing. I'm a comic, and I'm in the closet. What? It's my life. I talk about it on stage. You gonna see my show, you gonna see some hot closeted comedy.

The guy come on the street, and says, "I want to know you sexually." I look him right in the eyes, and I said, "Never mind what I said. The point is words were exchange. And maybe something else. You don't know. I'm telling it as it may or may not be, here in the closet. Open the door. Take a peek. Then close the door. We like it dark in here. I do my thing. You do your thing. I pretend to do your thing."

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Bill Burr on Marriage, Divorce, Equal Opportunity Women, and Why Titanic is a Scary Movie

How's it going? Great. It's nice to be here.

I'm at that age where everybody is getting married. Let me ask you question. Why do people keep on getting married? You know what I mean. Anybody looking at the stats? I mean 3 out of 4 marriage go right down the shit hole, right. If you were going skydiving, and they told you 3 out of 4 parachutes were not going to open, yo f this. I'm not going. I don't like those odds. I have a 75% chance of splatting on the ground. But there is something about getting married, people just have to do it, right? They are like, "Is this the one, to lose half my shit? Awesome. This is gonna be great."

Nah, I'm just kidding. I love women. I'm just not compatible with them. They have too much energy for me. They always have to be doing something. You know. They can't take a day off. You know. You can't get a day off when you have a girlfriend. They just like sees that open day. They'll be like, "Oh my gawd. Let's fill it up with shit." It just come with you with one horrible idea after another. They have the worse ideas. They do. Have you ever get this one? They'll be like, "Do you want to go to brunch? You want to go to brunch on Sunday?" Inside, you are like, "F-in no!" You can't say that. You got to keep her happy, right? So what do you do? You agree, "Yeah, let's go to brunch. What a great idea. Why would you want to sleep in on a Sunday. When you can pay $52 for eggs. Now you're thinkin." Then we can sit around, and listen to your friend make moronic conversation about the eggs. You know like, "Is that pesto? Is that pesto in your omelet? Oh, it's asparagus. It's asparagus."

I was dating this girl recently. She was really into women issues. You know. Like women always go on tv, and they say all they wanted to be treated exactly like guys. But if you listen to them, they don't. All they want is the good shit of being a guy. They are cherry picking. They look at a guy's life like a buffet, right? Like you start picking out stuff  like, "Staying for an hour. I'll take some of that. You paying for the movie. F that. You can keep that. No nah nah. That's nice. This is yucky.  That's icky." Come on people. You can't choose. This girl gives me shit. Why does guy get paid more an hour to do exact same job. I'll go I'll tell you why. Because in unlikely event when we are both on a titanic, and it starts to sink, for some f up reason, you get to leave with the kids. And I have to stay. That's why I get more dollar per hour. It's a dollar an hour surcharge. You hear a bump in the night. I got to go check it out, "Yes, he does have a knife." Anytime there is a hostage situation, who they negotiate for? "At least let the women and children go." Well, what about me! You think I want to stay in the vault, with 20 other sweaty guys, sharing a bag of peanuts. You know. Praying to god i'm not the hostage that get dragged out by the psycho, with a gun to my head, asking for the cops for a helicopter. Which I know he is not gonna get, right? I know he is not getting a helicopter. Now, I gotta make idle conversation with the 38 to my head, going, "Go for a rent a car. I think you should go for a rent a car."

See what I am saying. Where are all those feminist then? You can't find them. They have no feminist in a house fire. You can take the most hard core feminist, and go, "you showoff sonny bitch, you know." Little short hair cut you know. 2nd those flames break out, she twist those hair into pigtails, "I'm just a girl. I want to go play jump rope."

That's why I hate the movie, titanic. Every girl I meet, think that movie is romantic. It's irritating. "That's really romantic. Don't you think?" It's like, "No!" It's a f in horror film. Then they are always like why. Cause all the guys die. See you watch it, trying to relate, "who I'll be?" You will be that chick float away in that piece of luggage, right? I'm watching like who I be. I'll be that dude. The boat breaks in half. The dude falls straight down. Bang off the shit, and goes off the water. That's who I be. I'll be wearing a tuxedo. Not cause I wanted to, but because you wanted to dress up that night, right?

Bill Burr on Justin Bieber Epic Basketball Shot and Glaring Look

The Justin Bieber thing upset you at all? Or do you feel... I mean this is a guy who is getting alot of attention.

I have no problem with any of his behavior. Like if I was his age, and you know, I had, you know, like... What does he have? I really do not know what he has. Ferarri? A lamborgini

Something like that...

Yeah... Every chick out there wants to bang yah... Like how are you suppose to... how are you suppose to behave? Limos? He has a limo driver at 19, and he is not going to a prom. It's like he is going to an arena, where everyone is screaming his name. His behavior is completely normal. The only thing that I didn't like was that... that shot he was playing hoop.

It went viral I think. He was playing basketball, and he took a shot. It went in.

Yeah, he was playing with his black friend that he paying to lose. Dude, if that dude wins, he is onto the entourage. You know his phone is blowing up, and was like, "You don't understand how this works. I have to lose, or else I gotta get a job." I just didn't like... He hit a layup, a 12 footer. And then he turns around, and he's like glaring at the camera. Like I said he couldn't do it or something.

He does. He looks into the camera like, "I showed all of you."

I never saw Jordan do that.

There he is...

Like he just did something... Doesn't even look like the net was regulation. Like one of those. And he just sittin there... Nah, I'm just watching it, and having empathy for him. Like, "yeah, like that what I would be doing." I'm surprised he is not doing blow. That's what I would have done, right. And then I get that look, and I was just like, "you know what. Just F this guy." He is gonna look back, "I shouldn't have done that." He's 19 years old. I'm rootin for him.