Thursday, June 2, 2016

Batman Never Fights Crime in the Hood in DC to face Convict by Dave Chappelle Star Search Edition

Thank you. Thank you. I don't know if Ed did mention this. I was recently in Black Entertainment Television. I kind of having feeling that most of you haven't seen it. I don't know why. Last week I went to the movie. You know what movie I have a problem with? The Batman Movie. Have you guys noticed? Batman never fights crime in neighborhoods that need it. You know. I would love to see Batman fight crime in my neighborhood. I can see him now. He just, "Robin."

"Yes Batman."

"Didn't we park the car right here man?

I'm telling you man. Growing up in D.C. D.C. is a crazy place to grow up. I had the most dangerous job in the district of Columbia. I used to deliver Pizza for Dominoes. They would rob me everyday. I had to get a gun, man. Have you ever seen a dominoes pizza boy with a gun? I used to bust some people's apartments... Just..."Poof... Dominoes freeze. Put the money on the floor, on the floor. Don't move. Alright."

Thank you. Thank you very much folks. I'm killing already. Like Ed mentioned. I am original from D.C. man. Alright I got some people from D.C. Good to see you alive folks. Let me tell you something. That is a dangerous city man. People end up doing whole bunch of crazy stuff. There is this guy in my neighborhood named Curtis. He used to walk back and forth on my block. Complained about stuff all day. Just you know, "Damn. Damn."

I said, "Curtis, What's wrong?"

"Man, everybody thinks I'm a drug dealer just because I have a beeper." I had to explain to him about something, "Curtis, you got to understand. 6 is young to have a beeper. Don't you think?" Oh, man.

I'm glad you guys are clapping about it. Cause Curtis got real mad at me. He got into his car and drove off. It's a nightmare man.

I was a bad kid myself, man. They turned me around. They sent me to this program called Scared Straight. That's where they send bad kids like me to prison, and all the prisoners are yelling at us like, "Err, Err." You know. Try to scare us to being good. I was heckling, "Ehhhh, shut up you convict. Like I'm going to take advice from you. You like a person who made all the right choices in life." I mean. You know. I don't want you think like I'm a bad guy. The only reason I said that because I knew they would not touch me -- until they did. The guy grabed me by my throat, "Huh, listen here boy. I'm going to tell you now. If you come to prison, you will be my woman." That worked too. Thank you very much ladies and gentlemen. You have been a lot of fun.

Thank you. Hey... Thank you guys very much. Like Ed said. I am gonna appearing in court. It's a crazy story. I'm eating dinner at a restaurant with my best friend. He has a little argument over the check with the waiter. The next thing we know... The owner, the manager, all the employees come out and beat the crap out of him, right in front of me. Kapow. He is suing them for half a million dollars. Kaboo. He probably win the case because the whole incident was recorded on video tape. Yeah. Now, I know what you guys are probably thinking. You probably saying, "Man, that Dave, is amazing." No, it's not. That's why me and my buddy always carry a camera recorder with us. Really. Everyone should cause you never know when the Kodak moment might pop up. We'll be hanging out, and be like, "Alright Dave, go ahead. I got you."

"You ready man."

"Go ahead do it."

"Alright, just be ready."

"Hey! Officer! Kiss my bootie!"