Wednesday, November 25, 2015

Dance Dance Revolution Arcade Game with Iglesias Techno Music

I said, "Frankie, whatever you want to do, let's do it."

"Ok, can we go to arcade?"

"Arcade? Dude, you have a nintendo wii at your house."

Then I had a flashback to 20 years ago. "Que, Que, nintendo en la casa. You have a nintendo at home."

I'm like omg I'm turning into my mom. "Come dude. Let's go."

I take him to this big arcade right. I felt so out of it because I didn't know you couldn't put money in the machines anymore. I remember quarters. I'm like, "Here, here's $5 bucks." He's looking at me. "What? Go play." He came right back, "All done."

I didn't know this. You had to go to another machine. Put in money, and then they give you a card. Then you use that card to swipe to play video games. The game he wants to play does not cost a quarter. It cost $3 dollars a game. It's a big old machine called "dance dance revolution." Some of you know this game, yeah. For people who don't know the game, it's pretty simple. It's a dancing game with a big screen. Then arrows come out to music. And whatever arrows come out, that's the arrow you have to step on when it comes out. Kind of cool, but all the music is techno. And it's loud. I know I am going older cause I'm like, "They need to turn that down."

Dance Dance Revolution, Revolution! Get ready! And the kid is like, "I'm ready." Select music. Pop Techno and that's what they dance to. Ready go. Perfect. And the kids like, "Whow." I'm like, "Whew. I love this game, but they need to have something fluffy friendly, so fluffy people and parents can enjoy." We are watching this game for over an hour.

I told Frankie, "Let's play another game and wait till the line goes down."

"The line never goes down."

Great, I'm watching kid after kid after kid. "Serious. How much is it?"

"It's $3 dollars a dance."

"$3 dollars a dance?!" Then I thought about it. I paid 20 two nights ago. I guess three dollars ain't that bad. Now that I think about it.

Monday, November 23, 2015

Kanye West and Kim Kardashian Stirs Issue On New Song in Ronny Chieng Bit on MTV

Hey Everybody, Thanks for coming down. Apples are red with thin edible skin and white flesh. Ok. As in oranges are rounder with orange color skin and orange color flesh. And the skin of an orange, hey, are generally discarded before eating. You know what just happen there? You know what I just did? I just compared apples to oranges. It can be done. I don't know what's the fuss is about. I just did it. It helps if you speak english.

Hey fellas, hey guys, have you ever gotten into trouble with your girl over something Kanye West said in a song once? Have that ever happened to you? Well, it happened to me. This girl I was dating at a time, at my house, on my sofa, watching MTV. Ok. Kanye West comes on with his new Music Video for his new song, Bound 2. Bound 2, ok. If you don't know the music video, the song, the music video has Kim Kardashian in it. She is on a motorcycle, right. It is very tacky on purpose because he is a geniuos, alright.

So I am watching this video, and Kanye West comes on. And one of his lyrics on the song happens to be, "Have you ever asked your Batch for other Batches?" K. So he is singing this song, "Have you ever ask your Batch for other Batches?" Immediately the girl, i'm dating, turns to me -- angry and disgusted. Alright. "Oh my gawd. Can you believe he said that? That is disgusting. Is that you want? Do you want batches with more batches? Is that what you want to do?"

"Whow Whow whow. How is this on me? I didn't say that. I didn't pick the channel. You pick the channel. This video randomly came on. How is this on me?"

And she keeps on going, right. "That's what all men want. They just want more batches of more batches. It's disgusting. Men are pigs." She won't stop.

So I said screw it. You want to have this conversation. Let's have this conversation. Ok. Because I went to an elite law school. I don't lose verbal arguemnets. K. I debate this until I win or one of us dies. You want to do this? Let's do this. Let's break it down. Let's break down what Kanye West is saying. First of all Kanye West is saying, "Have you ever have Batch for other Batches." He is not even asking for Batches for other Batches. He is just asking the question. "Have you ever ask your Batches for other Batches?" It's a hypothetical. You don't know what kind of relationship they have. Maybe they like open relationships. Maybe they like threesomes. You don't know. You just applying your own moral values on to this couple. Who is the Batch now?

And that my friend is how you win the battle, but lose the war.

Monday, November 16, 2015

Tammy Pescatelli joins Playboy Mansion Party with Donald Trump and Paris Hilton

I did a charity show for the playboy foundation. I don't know what their charity is... 13 year old boys go blind for reading too much magazines. I don't know.

I don't know. I go to this party. I don't fit in. I'm not very girly. These girls are like size double zero. I mean they are beautiful, but they are mean because they are hungry. You know. What the?!

I'm just a girl from the neighborhood. You know who was there? That Paris Hilton Girl -- Oh, I am proud of her. She is breaking down barrier, really. Proof you don't have to be poor to be white trash. You know what I mean. Somebody needs to say that.

You don't have to be perfect. What's going on women. We don't have to be perfect. You can't be. This girl came up to me and goes, "Uhm... Excuse me. Who did your boobs?"

I go, "God."

She goes, "Where his office?"

I go, "Juerluseum. Now get away from me. Don't you think if I have that kind of money, I would have my nose fix first. What's wrong with you?"

Who cares. I'm a female comedian. How good looking do I have to be? Who said the president, Rosanne. I win. You know. Who cares? I said it. I don't care. What are you going to do? My people are a phone call away.

It's just fun for me. I don't know what I was doing at that stupid party. I drank a little bit too much. When women get drunk, they have to announce it, "I'm drunk. Oooh." Hi five. Hi five.

You know who was there at the stupid party? Donald Trump. His hair is so bad that it would be less distracting if he hired a hairy midget to sit on his head. What the hell is going on? I got so distracted...

Friday, November 6, 2015

Bob Proctor Impression of Sir Winston Churchill Judo of Insults

Judo is where you take the strength of the other person's shot, and put them down. You don't win much doing that. You know. It's reported that Sir Winston Churchill was a master at physiological judo. One time Betsy Braddock, from liver pool, said, "sir Winston, you are drunk and disgusting."

"Yes madam I am." and he said, "You are ignorant, you're ugly." but he said, "tomorrow morning I'm going to be sober."

what he do? He won the battle and lose the war.

Lady astir one time, said to him, "Sir Winston, if i was your wife i would be put arsenic in your coffee."

He said, "Madam, if i was your husband. I would drink it."

Tuesday, November 3, 2015

Russell Peters anticipates Chinese Comedian in Hong Kong and Indian Accents different usages

You know what really upset me when I went to Hong Kong. Where ever you go and perform, where ever I go they have local comedians open the show for us. South Africa -- They have South African. I go to England. They have an English comedian. I went to Hong Kong. I kept picturing in my head, a Chinese comedian. I get there -- no Chinese comedian. I was so upset. I keep on picturing a Chinese guy comedian. A little Chinese brother coming out, opening the store, "Hey, hey. Excuse me. Your mother so fat. Da when she jumps, jumping for joy, she got stuck. Oh, OK. thank you." Didn't happen. Didn't happen, very upsetting.

I am going to let out a secret about Indian people. For all the people here, for all the people watching where ever you are, if you are not Indian, this is the message to you, behalf of all the Indian people, all my brown people don't get upset, I'm letting out our secret. Just to let you guys know. Indian people are fully aware of what their accent sounds like. We don't actually need you. We know exactly what it sounds like. We know it's not the coolest accent in the world, you know. You never going to see two Indian guys in a club, saying, "Hey man, aren't we cool. Don't we sound really hip. We are going to meet all the bitches tonight. I'm pimpin." We know what it sounds like, you know. And don't think for one minute that we don't know you guys are mocking us when we are not around. It's an accent. We are not death. Don't think when we walk into Home Depot and go, "Hello, I'm looking for paint."

"Yeah, it's right down that aisle over there."

"Hey Jim, did you hear that guy? He was looking for paint. Paint. Paiiiiint... Let's grab a cigarette and talk like this for half an hour. We know you are doing it -- you bastards. But any people know what their accent is good for and what is not good for. We know it's limitation. We know it's not good for getting laid. It's not going to help you. "Hello babe." Nothing is going to happen for you. You know what the Indian accent is good for... is cutting tension. You got a tense situation -- pop in the Indian accent. Tension's gone. Picture a serious court room drama.

"Your honor, my client... would like to plead guilty."