Friday, April 22, 2016

Boy Band Sausage Party featuring Bobby Lee's Butt Tattoo Hosted by Steve Bryne

I would like to tell you all about my dream that I thought I would fulfill here tonight. Now, I was up here earlier, talking about different kinds of music. How I don't like dancing. That's not true. I love dancing. Love it. And one of my dreams was to always be in a boy band. Yeah. And I thought to myself, "You know what Steve. You are only one. You need a few more members." See, I want to create my own boy-band.

I just need a few good men. You, come on up here. You, up here. Come on up here. Get up here. I need your demographic. Let's go mustache. Yeah, let's go. Wait. Hold on. Oh yeah. Look at this one. With the glasses. Let's go. With the glasses. Let's go. I need that heat. Alright, good to see you fellas. Good to have you. Come up here. Alright gentlemen. Move it down a little bit. Let's just stand on this line here. Ok. Wow. Give them a round of applause. I got to grab something.

Here's what's going to go down. I am going to walk you girls. And I repeat. You girls. You are not men yet. What are you laughing at. I am going to, repeat, the hottest dance routine that you have ever been a part of in your life. For example, when I do this. What would you do? You would copy. You will follow my heat. Keep up. Now, eventually I am going to post up. What happens when I post up? You all kick back and relax. Why? Because I will jump start solo style. See. Each one of us is going to show case off our own hot moves for one special one lady. As you all know. In every boy band video, they only pick one girl. And this girl is america. She sitting there. Basically, going, "There is so many flavors. I do not know which one I want." So we need america up here. Boom. Let's go. Girl in the white. Come on up here darling. What's your name? How about that for amber everybody. Amber, you have a seat right there. Thank you. Your welcome.

As you all know, every boy band, they all have their real full names. Not tonight. We are going to make it more marketable. We are going to give each one of these gentleman a cute boy band nickname. Ok. What is your real full name, my friend?
Are you illegal? How come you can't tell me the whole... I just want to get a vibe from you.
Alonzo Margariana
Ok ok. Cute one. You are going to get a cute boy band name. Tonight you are going to become Prison Freak Toy.
Real Full name
David Mutree
You get uncle creepy.
Real full name
Jay Park
Good Good. here is something about this gentleman. Very nice guy. Sweet demur. Behind close doors. Sexually he is a degenerate. Stay away ladies. He is a bull in a china shop. You hear terms like Donkey Punch. Dirty Sanchez. Who does this? He does that? Ok. Tonight. You become Tequila.
Real Full name
David Wright

Ok, i have a gift that my friends know about. I can put my hand in front of somebody's hip, and get their sexual history. Oh, romantic. Hold up. I will go down the line. Quick. Very quick. I'm not getting anything. I will come back to you. Don't take offense to that. I can't. I just...

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

NBA Detroit Piston and Indiana Pacers Brawl Fight versus the Fans by Bill Burr

I had a wierd experience when I came down here. It was in Nashville, right. It was a sort of awkward social situation, right. I was sitting in this bar. There was this white dude sitting 2 stools away. I don't know him. He doesn't know me.

And that Latrell Owen story was in the sports news. I tried to make conversation. "Hey, look at this guy. This guy just signed a 40 million dollar contract. He is already complaining. How much money do you need to make?" And the dude looks at me, "You know what i say?" Then he looked over his shoulder, which I now know is the tale tale sign that the N word is coming. And it's coming hard.

Oh yeah, it's not going to be pronounced with the A. It's going to be with the R. And he hit the R - like he stuck the landing. It was like a dismount. Clan members high fiving in the background. Like doing the wave. Just out of nowhere.

Now, immediately, I'm looking over my shoulder. Like dude, "What the hell you doing?" You know what I mean. I'm just waiting for this hail of black fist, coming, raining down on top of me. I hate when people do stuff like that. That dude made me a part of a potential butt kicking that I have nothing to do with. You don't do crap like that. You just have that word. Hot potato. He just threw it on my lap. "Aye." Try to pass it down to the next white dude.

I hate when people do that. It's like dude. Feel me out first. Ask some basic questions. Do you like to fish? Have you ever kissed your sister, right? I start rattling off answers. Then you go old school. You give me a pamphlet. You don't just dive right into it.

I like violence man, not when it happens to me or I see it live. I like watching it on tv, seeing people attack by animals. Just get blasted in the face or something. I'm a huge sports fan. My favorite moment of last year was Detroit pistons and Indianan pacers brawl. Wasn't that great? That was one of the greatest thing I have ever seen. I was so confused when I watched ESPN when they say, "that was absolutely disgraceful... basketball fans. .. "

I'm a basketball fan. I loved it. I thoroughly enjoyed to see an out of shape civilian the crap kicked out of him by professional athletes. It was fascinating. I think as sports fans. We kind of had it coming. How many times do you go to a game, right? You get a little to drunk. You start to scream at some dude on the field who can clearly kick the crap out of you, right. You saw him in the parking lot. You be like, "Hey can you sign my stamp collection? I think you are awesome." You get in the game. "You suck. YOu are a piece of crap." And then they always calling them up. "come on up here. naw, come on up here. " Well, they came up there. They did. They kick the crap out of everybody. It was great. It was like a cartoon.

They beat up whole rows of people at once. I love every second. I love how Ron artest punched the wrong guy. wasn't that great? He taught that dude a valuable lesson in life. When crap goes down, you just don't stand there like you are watching a movie. "wow, it's coming right at me. Must be in 3d or something." He is an idiot. "Well, I still have my cup intact. It's totally not me." He's an idiot. Pow pow.

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

TV Romantic Comedy Love Scene is Over Rated by Bill Burr

We fight a lot over television. I don't know. She comes my way. I come her way. She watches a little sports. I occasionally watch Romantic Comedy, which I don't care. The nerds freak the cheerleader. I watch it right. I don't mind him. It's an uplifting story. I just don't like the love scenes in Romantic comedy. They creep me out. They are just freaking nice. It's like missionary style, candles, and the stupid saxophone music. Blah, blah, blah, and it always goes down. Like the saxophone implies the penetration, right. Cause they can't show it. They have to make it one dimensional -- this little angel. They ignore the other 90% of sexuality -- no hair pulling, no butt slapping, none of that crap, none of that taboo stuff of a women sexuality that is never brought up. You know. The whole, hold me down, but let me up. Choke me, but let me breathe, but scare the crap out of me a little bit. I want to feel your power, but let me be safe. You know. If you really want it... That whole 50 shades of rape. Whatever that is...

I don't even pretend to understand it. I remember the first time that a women wanted to get like choke her a little bit. I don't even know what she was doing. I was just so hype to get laid. She just kept on taking my hand, and kept on putting it like right here. I didn't know what she was doing. I thought she was testing me core strength. Finally i was like, "what are you doing?"

"I don't know. I was like hoping you would squeeze a little bit. Why don't you want to do it. It would be fun."

Why I don't want to do it. I don't think I want you to pass out naked women with my finger print all around her neck. Having the cop show up. "Yeah, she is in her officer. I square. It was her idea."

Yeah, they always make it nice in those movies. The raciest they ever do is like kiss up against the wall. I guess women likes wall. I didn't know that. There is alot of up on the wall, kissing. "Oh my gosh, it's the wall. Maybe it will support me. Or maybe he will support me. It's a metaphor. I love it."

Yeah, I saw that the other night. They were doing that. Then out of nowhere they started to get crazy up against the wall. I was like finally something more interesting. They were doing it, facing each other, missionary style. Arguably the most difficult position there is. They were doing it with little with no difficulty.

All she did was lift her leg like this. That was it. And he was off to the races. That ruined the movie for my wife. That is freaking bull crap. Bull crap. What does they guy have? A u shape wanker. He was not like doing anything. Did he greased up her thigh? If all she is doing is this? She has to bring it up. If not, you got to make some adjustments. You have to grab the other leg, and pick it up. I tired of this. I cannot do anything that create any sort of damage. I cannot even feel you. I cannot even rock your world.

I'm not trying to be rude, but every woman is heavy. Yeah, you are heavy. You are an adult female. when did you stop picking up your kids, 5 or 6? I'm like, "get off of me for great sake. You are going to throw out my back." Adult woman weighs 115 pounds to 120 pounds to all the way up to... And it's not balance weight. Most of it is in your thighs, your butt, your heads hanging off. Yeah, it's ridiculous.