Witches and Bats are Scary in the Country House by Louis CK

I'm not a big animal person. Some animal I hate. Uh. Bats. I think bats are disgusting. I hate bats. I hate rats with leather wings. Have you ever seen one? They look around. It's like somebody. They have a face. It's disgusting. Hate bats. Oh I am sure there's a whole thing, "Did you know that bats make all the french toast in the world." Whatever. I don't care. Hate them. I had a bad bat experience.

It's summer. We rented a house in the summer for me and the kids. My ex wife shares custody with the kids. So one month with her and one month with me. We have a nice house out of the country. It's beautiful. The kids loved it. The kids go to sleep like 8 o clock at night. So I am laying awake. Terrified. Terrified. I'm so scared in this country. It's just quiet and just mystery. Trees and darkness. I live in New York City. I feel perfectly safe there. I'm surrounded by murderers, child molesters, Jews. Ha ha ha. There are, there are. There are bunch of those.

So one night I'm in the country house, laying awake, begging for the freakin sun to come up, so I can sleep through the day with the kids. I'm laying awake. My bedroom is near the kitchen. Suddenly I hear this sound, "hee hee hee." I heard that clears as a bell. Immediately my heart is pounding. I have a heart attack right now because there is a witch in the kitchen. First of all there are no witches. No doubt in that moment. So I go down stairs. I'm terrified. I'm standing outside of the kitchen door like this for an hour. Too scared to go in... A little of logic just seeped in. Even if there is a witch in there. She wouldn't just make a noise, and stand there for an hour.

So I go in the kitchen. I hear the noise again. And it was the dish washer. The dish washer has weird tubes. As the soap goes through them, it gets kind of vocal. It was the weirdest thing to see my dish washer do it. So I was like alright. It's cool. Fine. There is no witches. I was about to go upstairs, and a bat... A freaking asshole bat. He was like, "Hee hee." He flew right by my head like this... I went, "Ahhh." Fell on the floor. I immediately crawl into the closet. I closed the door and called 911 right away.

I don't if you ever called 911, and you don't realize that you shouldn't be calling 911. "911, tell us your emergency."

"Uhm I'm very sorry. Very sorry to be bothering you."

"Sir what's the problem."

"There's a bat in my house. And I don't like it."

She was nice to me because it was country 911. If you call 911 in New York City, "there's a bat in my house." He would be like, "Sir, we will send a car right over to shoot you in the face." But she was nice, "Sir, we understand. You are divorce. You are over staying in the country house. You are in over your head." She said, "Call this guy. He's the guy that takes care of bats. Bat is his focus." She did a lot of work, so she will not have to say the word batman. She was like going around. He is a male human. Bats are his... I'm not gonna say Batman. I'm not going to say it.

So I called the batman. He comes over. I'm in the closet, looking through the crack. The bat is on the ceiling, hanging upside down, looking around. It's the most disgusting thing. So finally there's a knock on my door. I crawled to the door, and I opened it. He was like, "Hello, where's the bat." I'm like, "Ahhhh." So the guy walks over, and he just takes the bat. That's it. He just took it. He was like, "Alright." I was like, "Yeah, you pretty much nailed it. That's amazing." It's like, "Help, there's a box of tissue on my table. Oh thank goodness. What a relief to have a man in the house. Would you like some sweet tea. Wasn't expecting company. Oh my rob fell open."