Bill Burr on Marriage, Divorce, Equal Opportunity Women, and Why Titanic is a Scary Movie

How's it going? Great. It's nice to be here.

I'm at that age where everybody is getting married. Let me ask you question. Why do people keep on getting married? You know what I mean. Anybody looking at the stats? I mean 3 out of 4 marriage go right down the shit hole, right. If you were going skydiving, and they told you 3 out of 4 parachutes were not going to open, yo f this. I'm not going. I don't like those odds. I have a 75% chance of splatting on the ground. But there is something about getting married, people just have to do it, right? They are like, "Is this the one, to lose half my shit? Awesome. This is gonna be great."

Nah, I'm just kidding. I love women. I'm just not compatible with them. They have too much energy for me. They always have to be doing something. You know. They can't take a day off. You know. You can't get a day off when you have a girlfriend. They just like sees that open day. They'll be like, "Oh my gawd. Let's fill it up with shit." It just come with you with one horrible idea after another. They have the worse ideas. They do. Have you ever get this one? They'll be like, "Do you want to go to brunch? You want to go to brunch on Sunday?" Inside, you are like, "F-in no!" You can't say that. You got to keep her happy, right? So what do you do? You agree, "Yeah, let's go to brunch. What a great idea. Why would you want to sleep in on a Sunday. When you can pay $52 for eggs. Now you're thinkin." Then we can sit around, and listen to your friend make moronic conversation about the eggs. You know like, "Is that pesto? Is that pesto in your omelet? Oh, it's asparagus. It's asparagus."

I was dating this girl recently. She was really into women issues. You know. Like women always go on tv, and they say all they wanted to be treated exactly like guys. But if you listen to them, they don't. All they want is the good shit of being a guy. They are cherry picking. They look at a guy's life like a buffet, right? Like you start picking out stuff  like, "Staying for an hour. I'll take some of that. You paying for the movie. F that. You can keep that. No nah nah. That's nice. This is yucky.  That's icky." Come on people. You can't choose. This girl gives me shit. Why does guy get paid more an hour to do exact same job. I'll go I'll tell you why. Because in unlikely event when we are both on a titanic, and it starts to sink, for some f up reason, you get to leave with the kids. And I have to stay. That's why I get more dollar per hour. It's a dollar an hour surcharge. You hear a bump in the night. I got to go check it out, "Yes, he does have a knife." Anytime there is a hostage situation, who they negotiate for? "At least let the women and children go." Well, what about me! You think I want to stay in the vault, with 20 other sweaty guys, sharing a bag of peanuts. You know. Praying to god i'm not the hostage that get dragged out by the psycho, with a gun to my head, asking for the cops for a helicopter. Which I know he is not gonna get, right? I know he is not getting a helicopter. Now, I gotta make idle conversation with the 38 to my head, going, "Go for a rent a car. I think you should go for a rent a car."

See what I am saying. Where are all those feminist then? You can't find them. They have no feminist in a house fire. You can take the most hard core feminist, and go, "you showoff sonny bitch, you know." Little short hair cut you know. 2nd those flames break out, she twist those hair into pigtails, "I'm just a girl. I want to go play jump rope."

That's why I hate the movie, titanic. Every girl I meet, think that movie is romantic. It's irritating. "That's really romantic. Don't you think?" It's like, "No!" It's a f in horror film. Then they are always like why. Cause all the guys die. See you watch it, trying to relate, "who I'll be?" You will be that chick float away in that piece of luggage, right? I'm watching like who I be. I'll be that dude. The boat breaks in half. The dude falls straight down. Bang off the shit, and goes off the water. That's who I be. I'll be wearing a tuxedo. Not cause I wanted to, but because you wanted to dress up that night, right?