Brian Regan UPS trouble with Girth and Procedures of Box Deliver Pickup

We just moved. I called UPS. Ask them to help out with some boxes. They are good service, but you gotta have information ready about your boxes before you can call them. I had no idea. I called them up, "Yeah, I have 10 boxes. Can you come over and pick them up?"

"We need to know the weight and the girth."

"Ok. Good bye."

So I called back. "We need the weight and the girth."

"Ok. I don't know what the weight is, and uhm I don't know what girth means. So now what's the procedure?"

So this guy talks to me like i'm four years old, "Well, do you have a bathroom scale?"

"Yeah, but if I put the box on the scale, it's gonna cover up the NUMBERS." What I do? take it off very quick? "Ah, zero. I'm not fast enough." What's he talking about?

So then he gives me like his Mr. Wizard formula, "How about if you stand on the scale, and then weight yourself. Then get off the scale. Pick up the box. Get back on, and where you and the box together. Subtract your own weight."

I'm going, "slow down. Hold on professor."

I know this guy never tried this cause I tried it, and you can't still see the NUMBERS.

What am I, Mr. Olympia? "3 pounds."

And then I had to hang up in the middle of his girth formula. He kept on ensuring me it was easy, "You know the girth is very simple to figure out. You take the length and double that by the smaller height after yoiu triangular the hypothesis of the thrid side."

"Ok. I gotta go. I'm getting another call. Yeah, I'm too stupid to talk to you. I just don't want to get along with you any longer."

So this is true. I figured I call up, and make up some numbers, you know. Let him come out and pick them up. If it's wrong, I'll pay the difference. Just dispatch the truck. Please. So I called back, "Yeah, uhm. I have 10 boxes. And... Uhm. No. I'm the other guy. And they all weight exactly 22 pounds, and they all have a girth of -- 3."

"Three what?"

"Three -- girth units. Come pick them up. Please. I'm begging you. They're boxes, and they're brown. And they have tape all on them. And they probably fit on a dolly."  Why must you torture me?