Chris Tucker describes Life with Michael Jackson in Neverland Story Singing Dancing and Joking Around

Give it up for my boy, Michael Jackson. I miss him man. I miss him. King man -- he's a true life king. Did you all see him in a video? Did you all see him in of those videos? Rock my World? I couldn't believe that I was in that video. I kept on messing up the video, looking at Michael. I was like, "Gawd damn. I'm doing a video." Michael was getting mad, "Chris, what the hell are you doing? Chris look straight. What the hell are you doing. You're messing up my video, chris." I'm like, "I'm sorry. I can't believe I'm on the video with you man!"

"Chris believe it. Chris believe it. You're messing up my video, chris."

"Michael, I'm sorry man. I can't believe it."

Micheal was so cool man. Michael change my name, and I didn't say nothing. He started calling me christmas. First I didn't know what he was talking to. He was like, "Hey christmas."

"Michael, who you talking to?"

"I'm talking to you. Your name sounds like Christmas. It's beautiful Chris. It reminds me of christmas -- Christmas trees, presents, fire places. It's beautiful chris. You should keep it chris."

He convinced me. It does sound kind of good. Christmas Tucker. Ok. Christmas Tucker. Sounds pretty good. I will keep it for a little while.

I went to Neverland. Michael had it cold. Michael had it cold. Neverland was really like Neverland. You go there. Michael had this golden gate. You go throught this gate. The music comes on. It was like, "La la la." Gawd damn. This is really Neverland. I don't ever want to leave. He be fly too. He ride a little train to the house. There is some shit right there. Michael got a train in his house. We get to the house man. Michael would be sitting like michael collooney. He would be sitting in the living room. People gets their bag. Michael be like, "How are you? How are you doing?" He be sitting and talking and all of a sudden something magical would happen -- like two giraffe walk by the window. I be like, "What the hell is happening. Michael, was that 2 giraffes just walk by the window?"

"That was 3 -- three giraffes."

"Michael, that was fly as hell..."

"I know. I know. That's why I bought them."

"Man, how many animals are free like that?"

"A couple of elephants, one lion that we can't find..."

"what?! What?"

"It won't bite you Chris."

"It won't bite you Michael. That lion only like meat. You better find that damn lion."

Michael was cool man. Man, we would hang out with Mike. Michael like rap. He like that 50 cent song -- in the club. He liked the beats so he be jammin to the beat. We be riding in the car. Michael be jamming in the car. He be like, "Bump bump. Bump bump. Ta. ta. ta. Bump. bump." Michael be getting down. All of a sudden you know... It's cool until he started singing the words. That's when he sounded crazy. He be like, "You see me in the club with a bottle..."

"Michael, Michael, no... No... Don't sing the words."

"Chris, I love that song, chris. I love that beat. I love it. That is some cold blooded beat. I love that... Of course I would not go to a club with a bottle full of bud, chris. I would not do that. I love that song."

"It doesn't sound right."

"I know, but I love it."

He love Rick Ross too. Sometimes he be going around the place in the summer and be like, "RRRR."

"What the hell was that?" I was like, "Michael, was that you?"

"No... No..."

"Did you here that?"

"I didn't hear nothing. I thought you did it."

One time I caught him. He was like, "RRRRR."

I said, "Michael, I saw you. I knew it. It was you."

"Chris, I'm sorry. I love Rick Ross. I love him. I love that music. It's so cool. He's so crazy. Rrrr. I love that. He so free. I want to do that on my album -- RRRR. He's so crazy -- so silly. Rrrr. So crazy guy."

One time I did something cool with Michael. I went over to Barry Gibb's house from the Bee Gees. I was like, "Damn this is fly." We were watching the Oscars at Barry Gibbs house -- the Bee Gees. And we all sitting there, and hanging out in stuff. I was like, "Gawd damn, Barry Gibbs and Michael Jackson." All of sudden both of them started singing how deep is your love. I said, "Gawd dang. This Michael Jackson and Barry Gibbs are singing right in front of me. Man, noboby is going to believe me with this shit." It was just me and the dog. The dog was even surprised, "Dwwag ruff ruff."

"Do you see this shit?"

"ruff Ruff I see this shit."

So they start singing. Michael started singing first. I never heard him sing live before. He was like, "How deep is your love... How deep is your love. I really need to know cause we're living in the world of fools, breaking us down and we all should let us be. And the world should..." Then Barry came in, "I feel you... feeling the love that you believe in me." And I caught up, and came in, "talk to you on a summer breeze, and your love. I felt like I know it." Michael was like, "Chris, no. Chris, no. Chris... Chris... No... Chris... What are you doing? Chris... Barry, I'm sorry barry. Chris..."

"I'm sorry Michael. I got caught up."

"No Chris... No... Stick with the jokes Chris... No... What are you doing?"

"Sorry, I got caught up. It sounds so good man."

"No Chris... No... You said you would not sing nothing. Chris..."

"Barry, I'm sorry."

"Chris, what's wrong with you? No..."

"Sorry barry. Sorry Barry."

"Chris... what are you doing?"

"You guys sounded so good. I thought I..."

"No chris... No chris... Go to the car chris. Go to the car."

"I won't say nothing else."

Michael is the man -- Man. Michael performing live. Michael was incredible man. Michael would go out there, and start...

Looking Out Across The Night-Time The City Winks A Sleepless Eye Hear Her Voice Shake My Window Sweet Seducing Sighs

Get Me Out Into The Night-Time Four Walls Won't Hold Me Tonight If This Town Is Just An Apple Then Let Me Take A Bite

If They Say - Why, Why, Tell 'Em That Is Human Nature Why, Why, Does He Do Me That Way If They Say - Why, Why, Tell 'Em That Is Human Nature Why, Why, Does He Do Me That Way

KT Tatara describes ESPN Headliner About Jeremy Lin -- Chink in the Armor

I really don't like to make a lot of Asian jokes. Man, we get made fun of all the time, right? We're the only minority that get made fun of when we are still in the room. No one hesitates. People go right into it. Asian guy smells like fish man. And I was at this store. This guy walks in... No offense man. Anyways, the Asian guy... Like what the hell?! No one does it with black people. Someone makes a black joke, "Shhhh... Hey man, there's a black guy right there. He is gonna beat our ass, and start a march and some crap. Shut the hell up." Asian jokes -- no one cares. I go to comedy shows every night. I'm standing in the back waiting. The comedian would go on. The comedian makes an Asian joke. What does the whole crowd do? They start laughing right at my face, "Ha ha ha. He's talking about you, and you do have a small wee wee. ha ha ha."

I don't like that, "ohhhhh."

You guys here that story about Jeremy Lin -- the chink in the Armour fiasco on Espn.com a few months ago? right? you guys remember that? For you guys that don't know, Jeremy Lin plays basketball for the New York Knicks, and he's Asian american dude. Did you just boo -- The Knicks or him being an Asian american? "Boo I am racist. I don't care about basketball." Alright, that's cool. So he is a basketball player. Anyways, so there was a headline. They put a picture of him after the knicks lost the game. And they wrote the headline, "Chink in the Armour." A lot of Asians were pissed off because that's racist. Now, if you watch basketball a lot, they used that phrase pretty commonly. So it's a gray area whether they are intentionally try to be racist or not. Because first of all, let's be honest. Espn is owned by Disney. It's very PC organization. I don't think anybody over there is that racist. They are like, "I'm not gonna get fired for over this crap. Watch this... ha ha ha." Like you gotta know you are gonna get fired if you do that, right? But I understand, it made a lot of people mad. That's cool. Take it down, ok.

But lot of my Asian friends, are like, "Nah man. You are not able allow to say that phrase in public because it might make asian feel uncomfortable because it's racist." But I'm like, "Yeah, the phrase isn't inherently racist." They be like, "You can't say it at all." I'm like, "Ok, so that's what you want to do? Just like. Ok. fine." Don't say Chink in the Armour in front of Asian people. Don't say spill the bean in front of Mexican people. Don't say that's a cheap shot in front of Jewish people. Don't say raise the roof in front of homeless people. Don't say look at the horse's mouth in front of Jessica Sarah Parker. Don't say It's not over until the fat lady sings in front of Adele. Don't do these things.

RTCA Dinner for President Obama and Vice President Biden with Guest Comedian Joe Wong on C-SPAN

Good everyone, My name is Joe Wong. But to most people, I am known as Hu, which is my mom's maiden name. And it's the answer to my credit card security question. But joking aside, I just want to reassure everybody that I am invited here tonight. I grew up in China. Who didn't. My childhood memory is totally ruined by my childhood. When I was in elementary school, as part of the curriculum, I had to work in a rice patty, right next to a quarry, where they use explosives to break rocks. And that is where I learned that light travels faster than sound, which is as slow as a flying rock. My dad was a grumpy guy, but occasionally tries to cheer me up with jokes, but he doesn't do it right. When I was 7, one thing he said to me, "Hey son, why is tofu better than centralized socialistic economy?" So 5 minutes later, I asked, "why?" He said, "Because I said so."

I came to the united states when I was 24 to study at Rice University of Texas. That wasn't a joke -- until now. I was driving a car with lots of bumper stickers that was impossible to peel off. And one of them said, "If you don't speak English, go home." And I didn't notice for 2 years. And like other immigrants, we want our son to become president of this country. And we are trying to make our son bilingual. English in public and Chinese at home -- which is tough to do. Many times I have to say to him in public, "Hey listen, if you don't speak English, go home." He would say to me, "Hey dad, why do i have to learn two languages?" I said, "Son, once you become president of the united states, you would have to sign legislative bills in English, and talk to debt collectors in Chinese."

When I graduated from Rice, I decided to stay in the united states. Because in China, I can't do what I do best here -- being ethnic. And in order for me become a US citizen, I had to take this american history lesson, where they ask us questions. Like, "Who is Benjamin Franklin?" I'm like, "Uhh... The reason our convenient store gets robbed."

"What's the second amendment?"

We're like, "uh... the reason our convenient store gets robbed."

"What is Roe vs Wade?"

We're like, "uh... 2 ways to come to United states."

I read so much about american history that harbor wide skills. And in america, they say all men are created equal. But after birth, it kind of depends on the parents income, education, and healthcare. I read in Health Magazine that President Obama every 2 weeks have 4 cardio days and 2 weight lifting days. You see I don't have to exercise because I have health insurance.

I live in Massachusetts now where we have universal healthcare. Then we elected Scott Brown -- Talk about mixed messages. I think there was a movie about him. It's called kill bill.

I'm honored to meet vice president Joe Biden here tonight. I actually read all your autobiography. And today I see you. I think the book is much better.

To be honest, I am really honored to be here tonight, and uh... Prepared for months for tonight show. And I showed the white house my jokes about president Obama. And that is when, he decided not to come. We actually talked about immigration reforms. Take that Stephen Colbert. And president Obama has been known for being so soft, but he was conducting two wars. And they still gave him the Nobel peace prize. And he accepted it. You can't be more bad ass than that. Well, actually, the only way he can be more bad ass than that if he took the Nobel peace prize money and gave it to the military.

We have many distinguish journalist tonight, who i considered as my peers because I use to write on campus newspaper. I think journalism is the last refuge for puns. Only in the newspaper you can say things like, "I was born in the year of the horse. And that is why I am a nay sayer." -- My point exactly.

And tonight is my first time on c-span, which is the channel I love to watch -- when I could not stand the sensationalism and documentary of pbs and qvc. If I could not still fall asleep after c-span, there is c-span2 and c-span3. Thank you very much.

So I became a US citizen in 2008, which I am happy about. Thank you very much. America is number 1. That's true because we won the world series every year. After becoming a US citizen, I immediately registered to vote for Obama and Biden. Your welcome. You had me at, "Yes We can." That was their slogan. So after getting Obama and Biden elected, I felt this power trip. And I started to think, "Maybe I should run for president myself." Well, I have to take a step back and explain a little bit. I had always been a rose and pessimistic guy. I felt that life is kind of like pee in the snow in the dark winter night. You probably made a difference, but it's really hard to tell.

But now we have a president, who is half black half white, it just gives me a lot of hope -- because I'm half not black, not half white. Two negatives make a positive. What would be your campaign slogan? You see I spent 10 years in the past decade. Oh you too, okay. So I understand that american people are suffering. So my campaign slogan, "Hu Cares." If elected, I would make same sex marriage, not only legal, but required. That would get me the youth vote. You see I'm married now. I used to be scared of marriage. I was like, "wow. 50 percent of all marriages end up lasting forever." And I will eliminate unemployment in this country by reducing the productivity of the american workforce, so 2 people have to do the work of 1 -- just like the president and vice president -- or like the Olsen twins.

Joe Wong Driver License Organ Donor, Afraid of Bear, and Ugly Baby on Ellen

Hi everybody, so uh... I'm Irish. When I first got my driver's license, I decided to be an organ donor. And give my brain. Because it makes me happy to think that some guy wakes up from a coma, and goes, "Wassa Michelle Yahm. Whor Sheeur Shay La."

So I went to the amusement park a couple of years ago, and towards the end it's a scary ride. They took a picture of me screaming like this... And they try to sell it to me. So I bought the picture. And I put it on my driver's license -- Just to keep it real.

I have a friend. His name is Wie Di. And recently he said to me, "Hey Joe, Let's go to Canada to see some bears."

"Uhm. I'm kind of afraid of bears."

Then he said to me, "Hey Joe, you got to remember. The bears are more afraid of you, then you are with them."

I was like, "Well, I'm pretty sure that the bears are wrong."

And on top of that, I don't want to go near any bears with some guy whose name is Wie Die.

I was watching TV late one night. And uh they have this thing called the emergency broadcast testing on. I was like, "What if this was really an emergency? And I was asleep?" They should let us know when it's on, so I can tivo it.

I came into this country in the mid 90s. I watch lots of TV shows like the Jerry Springer's Show. And uh the funny thing is that, at the time, when i was really new to this country, I thought the people on the show were normal average Americans. It seems I was right.

A lot of bad economic news this year -- were you guys worried about the economy? I'm not. Cause I grew up poor, if i become poor again, I just feel young.

We have a two and half year old now. And uh... here's the thing. I came from a long island people that have kids. Oh you too, ok. But still, it's amazing. My son is really cute now. When he was first born, he was ugly. And I was not prepared for it. I was looking at him in the delivery room. And uh... tried to remember some of my ugly relatives, and to decide exactly who pass the ugly gene to my son, you know. And the doctor came in, and was like, "Congratulations! He looks just like you."

Funny Jim Gaffigan on Seafood Lobster Crabs Oysters Clams Octopus and Snots Obsession in Boston

It's good to be here in Boston. This is... Boston is a tough city. Right? It's like, "Boston! Boston. Boston." I love the Boston energy. And you guys... All of Boston... You guys love your seafood, and it's just disgusting. "Lobster. Lobster..."

I was vacationing in cape-cod cause i'm white. And I was at this seafood restaurant, right? And this guy came over to our table. And it wasn't even our waiter. He came up to us, "Ah you not even eating Lobster. Is there a reason why you are not eating Lobster?" I was like, "Uh, I thought I ordered what I want. I was not really in the mood for bug meat." Cause that's what shell fish are... They are just creepy, crawly giant insects at the bottom of the ocean. You know fish are swimming are like, "We gonna get an exterminator up in this space." They're bugs. They have a shell like a bug. They have spindle legs and crawl around like a bug. They have an antenna like a monster. They're probably monsters. Like if you went home and you saw a chicken in the house, you'll be like, "What the hell a chicken doing in my house." But if you saw a lobster, you'll be like, "We'll moving." Cause there's not a nickel worth of different between a lobster and a giant scorpion. Yeah, I understand everyone loves lobsters, "I love lobsters." Hey, I like butter too, ok? "How can I eat three sticks of butter. Oh, I found this giant swimming sea scorpion." It's just a spoonful of butter that helps the bug meat go down -- in the most delightful way.

Lobster tail? "Is that the area near the butt? Mmm... Yummy... That's what I want -- a little bun turd butt. Yum. Yum. Yum." How about those restaurants that you have to pick out your own lobsters. You're like, "I guess I'll take that one that's really struggling with the rubber-bands. He sees appealing. Why don't we boiling him to death."

Why am I involved with this decision?

But in the northeast, it's all shellfish -- Maryland with the crab. Isn't it a red flag that you need a hammer to eat a red crab. "Oh, you are having a crab? Let me get you some tools, so you can crack open that bug shell, and get that half a bite of bug meat." Crab -- it's too much work. It's like the pistachio of seafood. And there's that nasty part that you are not suppose to eat. I think it's called, "all of it. Cause there crabs as in they're sexually transmitted disease. That has the same name cause it exact same thing." They're just the baby version of the dinner crab. You know gods up in heaven going, "What I gotta do to stop them from eating the crabs. I gave it a rock hard shell. I put it at the bottom of the ocean. I named a disease after it. Jesus, you would have to go back down there." I don't even know how people order crabs with a straight face. "You know. My wife and I... You know I'll get crab, and I'll give her some. Don't tell her. I want it to be a surprise." Even crab as a creature is creepy. It looks like it's trying to avoid an awkward situation. "Oh I owe that guy money, crap."

Clams and oysters? How do we even start eating those? "Hey I found a rock with a snot in it. I was think of eating it." Go ahead. "Alright." What does it taste like? "Anemone." Oyster in a half shell? As suppose to what? Kleenex? Even the was you suppose to eat an oyster, "Just squeeze some lemon. Put a little hot sauce. Throw it back of your throat. Then take a shot of vodka. They try to forget snot rock." That's not how you eat something. That's how you overdose on sleeping pills. "Pearls come from Oyster." Yeah, I try not to eat things that also makes jewelry. Oysters are an aphrodisiac? Why would we ever believe that. "Why don't you and I grab some snots from rock? See what happens... We might end up in my place or the emergency room?"

Clam chowder -- "How can we sell more clams? Why don't we put in a soup that looks like vomit." He went to far... Let's kill him.

But most seafood gives me the willy, like anchovy. What exactly the difference between an anchovy and a sweaty eyebrow. Cause every time I see an anchovy, I go, "Someone has attacked Tom Sellick. Why would you put that in a salad?" Squid is more like a swimming sea spider. "But I like calamari." You can deep fry a rubber hose, and it would taste good. "Hey, a little cocktail sauce. It is good hose."

Octopus? really?! Octo meaning 8. Pus meaning "Really?" Yes pus part is my favorite. The suction cups reminds me we need new bathroom mats.

Funny Abortion Idea for America by Ted Alexandro Comedian

War is difficult. Come on. I'm not making light of war. War is difficult. War is difficult because we send people that we care about -- people that we love. Which is why we should ban abortion, and then raise those babies as our military. Right? Nobody gives a crap about them. We send them over. 20 years later, they get a telegram. "You remember the abortion you wanted? Done."

God Bless America. Beep Beep. Beep. Beep. Flute. Drums. Sound of liberty.

I realized that joke is not for everyone. Just think of it like the specials. You don't have to order the specials, but you do have to hear them. "Shalin and Seabass? No thank you. I'll just get the burger."

Funny Jo Koy Drives Lexus into Highway 5 During Mexican Latino Protest

Ha ha ha. Yay for me. This is great. I love this crap. We are having fun -- Latinos. You are a scary looking one too dude. I'm not going to freak with you alright. We are here to do laugh-ti-do. That crap made first -- the Latinos, the Mexicans. You guys walked out of the border crap. And million of you freakers walked out. That crap brought tears to my eyes. That crap is something to be proud of because the traffic was empty -- that day. Son of a beach -- I was going 85 on the 5 freeway, 5 in the afternoon -- freakin protest again. Gawd damn it. Here's the thing. If I got into accident, the guy I hit; I knew he had insurance. Just joking freaker. You got to tell him because there freakers pretend to laugh, "Ha ha ha. Real funny Freaker. I have no insurance. I get it. I get it freaker. I get it." At the end of the show, " Mr. Funny freaker."

They make fun of us all the time when it comes to driving. Asians? Where are all the freakin Asians? Right? They freak with us all the time. Can't drive? We can freakin drive. I drove here. I didn't hit a bunch of freakin people on the way here, "Oh Shuu. Oh Shuu." Crap we build the best cars. You don't think we can freakin drive them? You think the engineer at Lexus is bragging about what he built, "Oh yeah. Power Steering Wheel. Zero to 60 in 4.9 seconds."

"Won't you take it for a spin."

"Oh, no, no. Are you crazy?!"

So I'm just joking dude, alright. We are just freaking around. We are all having fun. Plus, I can't fight. So don't start crap with me. I can't fight. I'm a beach, dude. I'm such a beach dood. I can't fight man. Dude, check it out. If you don't know how to fight, don't take self defense classes, or buy a gun -- Just Scream. Scream at the top of your lungs -- who is going to fight a guy, screaming like a beach. You know what I mean. Right before he is about to punch you go, "No. Nooooo. Noooooooooo." Then pee. I always pee.

Dude, I'm such a beach. When I walk to my car, I put my key into my fist. "Give me your car."

"No."

John Pinette World Buffet Outbreak on Las Vegas Wizard of OZ buffet, Chinese Buffet, and Japanese Buffet

Well, it's a pleasure to be here because I was just in Las Vegas, so I need the money. I lost a lot of money. I really did. I mean. I get them back in the buffet. Don't get me wrong. $9.95 all you can eat -- well, let's see who win this freaking hand out. Won't we. I do believe I have blackjack. I was at the prime rib counter, going hit me again. The buffet manager was horrified. You should have seen him. He looks like a dear caught in a headlights, "Get the prime ribs back in the kitchen." He finally gave me my money back, "Here's your thousand. Get out!"

Actually they have a buffet in Las Vegas. It's called the OZ buffet. It's the wizard of oz theme. And it's a buffet. You walk up, and it's the emerald city. It's an all you can eat buffet. I ran to it, "we're out of the woods. we're out of the light. Prime ribs, and Pork chops. Scampi. Oh my. Prime ribs, and pork-chops, scampi oh my."

You know I talk buffets, not because I'm a big guy. I'm actually writing a book -- around the world in 80 buffets. And in my research, I found that some foods that shouldn't be all you can eat -- like Chinese food. Chinese food should not because you get hungry again. I don't know what it is. They put something in it. They must. Because I ordered take out and they are always real happy, "Oh, he's going to be back. I give that big boy 1 hour." Because you do get hungry again. What is it. You go to full to starving. There's nothing in between. You go to, "Oh my gosh. I can't believe I ate all that chow mien... Hey look they brought egg-rolls."

So I went to this Chinese all you can eat buffet. Mother of all -- He got pissed. I mean... He was rude. He comes out every hour, "Son of a bitch still here. Look he go again." He started to scream at me, "You go now! You here four hours. Why you here 4 hours. You not come here anymore. Why you have spare ribs? You so big. Eat vegetables. Eat broccoli. Your scare my wife."

I love Chinese food. It shouldn't be all you can eat. Now Japanese food -- for the all you can eat sushi place -- mmm... All the raw stuff I can eat, huh? It was $22.95 -- $22.95 for raw fish?! $22.95 you can throw this on a grill. $22.95 I can't even get a dollar worth. I brought a seal. I put him right under the table. "Arg, Arg. Another plate please." That seal ate buckets full. The owner thought I was eating it all though. I got yelled at again. This guy scared me though. He reminded me of lord Margarito from shogun. "Hey you. Big Boy. Big Boy. Come here. Eat you like free." It's, "You eat like free willy."

John Pinette Understands Vegetarians, but NOT Vegans eating Almonds

So now I shop at these health food stores when I'm on the road. And there's some healthy things that I like. Some people over there have boundaries issues. They walk up to me, and one lady said to me, "Do you like your beef cruelty free?"

"Oh yah. I would have it no other way. Take that cow to Disney world. Put them on the rides. Give them mickey ears -- couple of pictures. Then whack them all they way into the airport. Didn't you like taking your pictures with mickey. Put it right into your huff. Alright don't turn around."

Vegetarians -- I completely understand. You have health issues with it. You have ethical issues. I completely understand. Some... A vegetarian said to me, "But I'm a vegan."

"Oh what is that. What is that?!"

"Well, we don't eat meat or dairy."

"What do you do?!"

"I'll tell you what to do. They lose their minds."

Vegans go to the store, and they buy 50 pounds bag of almonds. And they make them into stuff that they wish they could eat. They don't have a stove. They have a play dough fun factory.

"what's you making there?"

"It's a pork roast."

"No, it's not! It's almonds mushed together. Have a cheese burger!"

Bill Burr tells Conan He Hates Superbowl Commercials, Superbowl Parties, Superbowl Halftime

No superbowl parties. If you are a true football fan, you do not go to a superbowl parties because it's a bunch of losers who don't watch it all year. Then what they do is they talk during the game. Then they shutup during the commercials. And then the game comes back on, "How much do you think that one cost? Oh, that's funny. I thought that one stunk." It's like the rage that goes through me -- through the game. I just end up fighting. You know -- with somebody.

What I do is I tape the game. I let it go for 90 minutes. For 90 minutes, I shut off everything. Then I start watching. Then that way I can fast forward through all the crap, all the fireworks, the band...

No, no. I love Bruno Mars. I'd rather go to his concert. I don't need to... And they keep on talking about the weather like that's going to be a problem. It's going to be for the band. They are going to have the hardest time, not the players. The players will be fine. It's the band. They have to sing in that weather. Flea never wears a shirt. Alright. Those are the guys... Everybody else will be fine.

Yeah, I don't like it. It's the most important game of the year. And they turned it into this... I don't know what it is. I don't know what it is anymore. It used to be a little high school band that came out -- played their little song. Then that was it. Now, they are shooting tshirts into the crowd.

Louis CK tries Vape Vaporizor and Text Texting at the same time -- Say No to Weed Drugs

Having children is a big responsibility, and I have never done very well at it. I made a lot of mistakes -- Some of them big, some of them small. You know. Like... I am still a person. I am an idiot. You know. I'm still like... I got high one night -- really high because I don't do drugs. I never do drugs -- never. So when I do, they are way more fun. To me that is my best advice. If you really want to enjoy drugs, never do them -- never. Because when you do, they are actually fun. Cause when drugs are part of your life, it's just another pain in the ass in your life. It's just, "Ahh, all my drugs suck." I don't want to have that problem. I always want to be that person where it's a new thing. Somebody is like, "Hey do you want to try this." I'm like, "Oh, ah, I don't know if I should. This is crazy. I don't even know how to do it. I mean what is this."

Anyways I got... My friends got this vape. I'm little worried about the young people with the vaping. Then they just do this. And then they just vape. And then they just stand at the corner, puffing. Looking at the freakin thing. And I miss the... I miss you. I miss you people because you used to stand around like this. And I get to go, "Ewww, freak that one. That one was ok." But now, I'm just seeing the top of people's head now. But I didn't realized... my friend... My younger friend vapes. She told me, "It's just to calm. I can barely feel it. It helps go to sleep." So one night I was hanging out, "I am going to go home, and go to sleep. Maybe I'll try it." So I took one tiny hit. I was insane. I was completely insane. I was in my house. I couldn't even walk pass the window. I had to go under the window because I was afraid to look inside of my own brain.

So I start texting people. Just texting. Texting, "I'm so high. I'm so freaking high. I'm so high." And i text another friend, "I'm so high. I wan to suck my pot jeez on my won crock, and get higher." That's what I wrote. I'm not bragging. I'm just telling. That's what I wrote. And I sent it, "whoosh." And then later. I looked at my text. I was like, "I think I might of sent that to my 12 year old daughter. I think it's possible." I didn't, but I could too easily could of. We need... Now my kids are in my phone. There needs to be a reliable firewall that says these numbers are much harder to text. You can't just, "whoops." Traumatized her irreversibly. You go to write to these numbers I have to solve the hell raiser puzzle. And there's two guys with the key at the opposite room that turns at the same moment. And there's a warning, "Wahoo. Are you sure?! You want to send this picture of your pubic hair to your ex wife's mother. That's how you want to break the silence of six years since the divorce. "This is my pubic hair. How have you been?"

Ben Bailey Rants About Google Predicting Our Future

Do you know what else has pissing me off lately -- Google. Do you guys know google? A couple of people might have heard of it. Rest of you guys are like, "Google?! What's google?!"

Google it, and find out. That's the only way to learn anything anymore -- Google it. Well, that was fine at first because things were simple. It was like Google was my friend. I would be like, "Hey, Google. What do you know about this?" Google would be like, "Well then, here is what I got for you." Things were simple then. Google was my friend.

But somewhere along the lines. Things change. And google turned into that annoying friend who would never let you finish the story because it keeps on interrupting you -- trying to guess the ending before you can get to it. Right, now I sit down. I type the letter p. And google is like, "Pacific ocean?! Is it pacific ocean?! Is it?! Is it pacifier?! Is it pack rat?! Is it peanuts?! Is it piss-bag?! What is it?! I need to know! Right now! Tell me what it is! I can't wait anymore!"

Ryan Hamilton describes Tinder App Dating on Late Late Show with Drew Carey

I'm from Idaho. And uh I look like where I am from. Don't I. You don't look at me right away, and go, "That guy is from Idaho, but when I said it out loud. It makes sense." I live in New York City Now. It's a great city. There's a little attitude. I mean. New Yorkers say stuff like uh, "If you can make it here, you can make it anywhere." -- The audacity of that statement. I mean the assumption that you have to jump to, right? I'm from a town of a thousand people in Idaho. And I don't think New Yorkers could make it there. "What happened?"

"I don't know. He wandered off looking for gluten free cupcakes and uh... 3 days later. We found a body. Turns out he can't make it here."

Maybe New York City is the easiest place to make it. You are going to get lost. Sure. You can pop out of the subway, and go, "Oh the street has numbers. I see six delis. I think I'm gonna make it. I made it."

A lot of people in New York city -- It's difficult to meet someone. People can meet on the internet now. You know. Nobody wants to talk about it. It's very taboo. There are people now looking straight ahead going, "Please drop this topic." But you know I know solid couples meet on the internet. If you ask them, "how did you meet." This is what happens. Women goes, "We met on the internet. Like they are a little quicker to get there. Then the men say, "Please stop telling people that." Now I think because the attitude is different. When women get on the internet to find someone, I feel the attitude is "I'm just exploring my options." When a man gets on the internet to find someone, do you know what the attitude is? "I have exhausted all my options. There is nowhere else to go. Let's search the universe because that's all it's left. It's just a hail Mary pass into the ether, "Someone please catch that." I don't know.

But all my friends now are on this location based dating apps like tindr. Do you know that. We all have a device that just constantly broadcast our location. So here is what dating has become in the modern world, "Who is right here right now." Right? It's like we're hunting a fugitive on the run or something you know, "7 to 10 miles perimeter. Close all the roads. She has a 5 miles head start. Move. Move. Move." It's like who are you interested in? Everyone within a hundred yard radius, basically. Uhm.

I'm not really into long distance relationships. You know. It's just nothing substantial about it to me. Yeah, it's real people -- yes with feelings and emotions. But through your life so quickly. It's like, "No. No. No." Who are you? What kind of power do you think you wheeled? Are you a sixteenth century king, you know. "No. No. No. Not good enough. Off with her head. Next. Next. Maybe. No." That's who we'd become. You know.

I don't know how people feel anymore. I want to know how people feel -- constantly guessing. We all have this ability to interpret expressions. There's nuance. You just send out a smiley face, and go, "That should cover it." Little salsa dancing girl -- I think I made my point. You know. Every time I send out a smiley face, there's a voice behind my head that goes, "You're not the man anymore. I thought you were a man." I sent a smiley face to another man. I hate myself for 10 days. I get a smiley face back from that man -- I collapse. I don't know what to do. Right?

We ruined exclamation points. There finished. People send to many -- 4, 6, 8 exclamation points. It's not unheard of. Everybody. 1 means excitement. It's not a scale. It's just one. If I send one exclamation point, people gonna go, "Is this sarcasm? I don't know what this is." Little things that have too much meaning. Right? A period in the wrong place -- It ruins my day. You know. "You want to go to dinner?" No period. Ouch. I get it. I get it. We are not going to dinner. Let me say. Your period is unnecessary and hurting my feelings. I don't need it in my life. There's enough finality in no. I don't need it.

Jay Larson On Conan about Prank Phone Call in New York

I have a question. Your cellphone rings. You don't recognize the number. What do you do? Ignore it. Don't answer it. Not me. I like life.

The other day my cellphone rings 917. It's a New York number. I don't know who it was. I picked it up anyways. Hit talk, and said, "Hello." The guy goes, "Hey Bruce, what's going on?" My name is Jay, not Bruce. So I said, "Nothing much man. What's going on with you?" And he said, "I'll tell you what's going on. I just got an email about the budget. It's suppose to be 15,000. Now, it's 10,000. And I would like to know what's up." I got excited in my chest.

I grabbed the steering wheel. Ok, focus. Your name is Bruce. There's a budget. It was at 15,000. Now, it's 10,000. No one is happy about it. That's all we know.

So I just repeat what he said to me, "10,000? It's suppose to be 15,000."

He goes, "Yeah, I know. I just got an email, and now it's 10."

I said, "Listen man, I don't know what to tell you. I have been on the road all day. I have not even seen it."

And he goes, "Did you send this out?!" -- giving some attitude to Bruce.

I didn't like it. I said, "I listen man. The budget was 15,000. We are a couple of expenditures. It went to 16 2. I reworked it. Got it down to 14 7. I had 300 to play with. I call the 15, and I sent it out."

And he goes, "Yah, well now it's 10 man."

I was like, "Oh my god. That worked. That worked. Phase 1 complete." Now, I'm in the door. I have a 401K. I was at the Christmas Party.

So he goes, "Did Larry Ok this?"

I go, "Listen man. I took the budget to Larry. Larry said it looked fine, but I knew it was my ass on the line. So I ran it by Jennifer. Just in case. Just to double check. Jennifer said it looked good. I sent it out."

He goes, "Yeah, now it's 10 man."

And I realized this guys does not know what' going on over there. He hasn't talked to Larry. And know he hasn't talked to Bruce because he doesn't even recognized my voice. I know he hasn't talk to Jennifer. I just made her up.

So he goes, "Listen man. What are you going to do about this?"

And I go, "Listen. I'm on the road right now. I have not even seen the email. Why don't you give Larry a call. Check it with him, and see what he says, and call me back." Just praying he will. Cause that return phone call would be amazing.

Conan James Smith Single vs Relationship and Pregnancy

I am trying to decide either to be single or in a relationship. Now, when you are single, it's a lot like being unemployed. You say you want a job, but really you just want money. Because to weeks into the job, you are like, "Ah, that's right. I hate working." Exactly the same in a relationship. 2 weeks in you are like, "Ah that's right. I hate people." But I'm really lucky because I have this voice in my head, which keeps me very accountable. So if I see a beautiful women on the street. I'm like, "Oh, I would do anything to be with her." Then the voice kicks in, "Really? What would you do? Would you go to the gym? Would you get a job? Naw, you wouldn't would you? See why you are not with her?" Yeah, that's pretty clear thank you inner voice. I guess if the woman said, "Listen, if you go to the gym and get a job, I'll go out with you." Then, I probably work towards it as a goal, but i just refused to do it on expectations. I'm not walking around all fit with a great job -- just in case.

I'm trying to understand how life works. And I learned this. You have to date people that you really like. It can't be just physical. If it is, it's doom. Because men are bi polar when it comes to sex. Pre and post sex -- we are two different people. Pre-sex -- very enthusiastic, "Yes I agree with you. Ha ha ha. That is so funny." Just the lies, deceptions. Ah. I hear myself talking to women. I'm like, "shut up. ah." It's all for what? Just to get laid. But the second you climax, you're like, "what have I done?" It's like a murder. There's a naked body here. How do i get rid of it? I have left my own apartment after sex. Do you know how uncomfortable that is? They are looking at you going, "Where are you going?"

"I just... I can't... Just steal whatever you need."

Something happens to men during orgasm. Something leaves our body. I think it's interest. And you can't get that back for roughly an hour. And yet women are so comfortable afterwards. They're like, "What do you want to do now?"

"Anything. Not with you. I would do anything you like. You can't be there."

I adore women. I think they are incredible. Just the fact that they agreed to pregnancy. They're just like, "Yeah, sure. I'll let someone live inside of me -- for nine months."

Nine months?! People say to me, "Can you hold this?" I say, "No."

Conan Plays Minecraft on Xbox Live with Tips and Advice on Vision of Game

I asked what game you want me to rate. You guys said Minecraft. My friend, Aaron Blaire, and I are going to play Minecraft. I don't play video games. I'm not kidding. I don't know anything about this. I know nothing about it. I thought it was one of those -- neck massages from brookstone.

This game is about mining things and building things.

Taking out of the grounds and building things?

Correct.

So it is like we are in Whales in the 19th century, and we are desperately poor. What a fun games for kids.

Every game for these kids are generated in this world. So we are walking around. We are in the forest.

I'm going through some grass. Is that a pig?

Do you see me?

Yeah. Hey, why am I wearing plaid pants.

This is the only guy with the orange hair.

So the guys in the orange hair wear stupid mad boxer shorts. That's discrimotory. Look. The sheep just gave me the look like, "what's with that guys?" The block sheep keeps checking me out. You are the guy that molested me last night. So we mine nothing.

Alright, just follow me right here. We are going to get some wood.

They put no effort into the graphics. This looks like a world if you glaucoma. This should be called glaucoma world. The pressure of your eyeballs is to high. Your vision is so impaired you put on mad shorts. That sheep keeps sniffing my butt. Get out of here. Get out sheep. Let's chop something down. For god-sake, nothing happened. We've grown poorer and older.

Now you are digging the ground.

Do I keep on digging to the ground?

You know. I fled Ireland to not do this.

At night time, monsters come out.

So the monster is coming after you.

Those are scary monsters.

My six year old can draw better monsters than that. Who designed this game?

So minecraft is very popular? So young people that can't see well likes this game. I'm so confused because I don't what we accomplished.

The makers of mine craft please. Please, go to the nearest Lenscrafters, and get fitted for some eyeglasses. Then makes a world that looks like a world.

Bobby Lee Addicted to Vicodin True Story on Mad TV

I used to be on a show called madtv. It was kind of like SNL but for Mexicans. 12 Mexicans watched that show. So if you are a fan, "Hola, Que Tal." So uhm I was really excited to get booked on a TV show cause I'm a fat ethnic guy, right? I don't think that can happen. So uh..Maybe I can get laid. Who knows... You know... So I show up at MadTV, and they didn't use me at all. I play like Chinese waiter number 2. They gave me one word to say -- like, "Hello." Cut. Bobby, you are a wrap. Thank you so much. "I want to kill myself."

So over the months, I developed a eating disorder. I couldn't stop eating Vicodin. That shit is delicious. I started like 5 a day, right? I eventually took 40 a day, and I'm a small dude. The reason why it didn't kill me because Asians have evolved. We have a stronger core than all of you. And we're smarter. I never met a guy with syndrome, but if I did i bet you money he is smarter than the average white guy. Instead of straight As, he gets straight Bs. He only knows one instrument. 40 a day, and uh you know it's a disease. It got worst and worst. We would do table reads from 9 in the morning on Fox. I would be in a strip club in tequana -- like on stage dancing.

So after two years of this, I was like crazy, right. So they gave me an intervention, which was nice. They were nice good people, right? So I sat in the office, and said, "You have been doing too many drugs. And we want you to stop. And we will give you one more shot. And we wrote you a Connie Chung sketch. Can you do it?" I was like, "Heck yah. I'm going to heck a do it."

So that was on a Wednesday. And on Thursday, a comedian, name Donkin Trustaleader, came to my house. Yeah, he is very talented. He took all my Vicodin, and just ran away. What a butt-hole. So I was fine about 5 minutes. Then all of a sudden I got the shakes for hours -- just like...

So on Friday I showed up shaking. But in front of the producers, I am fine. My face completely fine cause I'm a good actor. Would you not a agree? So I am in make up. So I'm sitting in make up. And I'm sweating so bad. The Connie Chung make up is dripping down my face. So I am sitting there and all of a sudden I hear a noise inside of my stomach. It went like this, "quackle quackle." And I told the make up, "No. No. Yeah, I just ate a banana. I'm really hungry." But it was really the Vicodin. So uh... I showed up on stage -- 400 people. I'm sitting there with the Connie Chung. I have 3 pages of dialogue that I was suppose to memorize. I knew six words. So I hear this, "5, 4, 3, 2, 1, action." I said, "Good evening, I'm Connie Chung." And then I shit in my pants -- down to my stocking. The audience went, "uhhhhhhhh..." Which what you do when somebody shit in their pants. I knew right then and there my career was over. For one night it was over -- Ten year of hard work.

I was fine with it because I wanted to get sober. The producer came up said, "Pack your stuff." So i went to the dressing room. I packed all my stuff. I was literally crying. I was so sick guys. I was about to die. Then I went to rehab the next day. Then a couple of months later, they found out I was sober. So they hired me back. I stayed on the show for 6 more years.

Brian Regan Brilliant Tattoo Art Idea and Approaching Girls like In the Movies

What I think would be very interesting is getting a game of hangman tattooed on your chest. Only that tattoo artist knows the answer. So hum every time you want to continue the game you would have to go back to the tattoo parlor. "Uhm.. is there a G?"

"Nope."

Then he tattoos another body part.

"Darn it." And you walk out, "I thought it was Batman and Gar-ban."

Here is another tattoo idea. I think it would be interesting to get a tattoo of a dozen Easter eggs, but tell the tattoo artist to hide them. Then if you know if somebody finds all of the Easter eggs, you know they really like you.

I'm back in the dating world. I went to a break up. After the break up, people ask, "What happened? Was it a big thing?"

Then I was like, "I don't know. It depends on how you look at it."

We cannot agree on the definition of "this exit" and "next exit." I was driving. She goes, "get off of the next exit." So I pulled off. "Why did you get off here? I told you get off at the next exit."

"I thought I can get off here, so I can buy a dictionary."

So I am asking women out. I don't know how to do that smoothly. I watched the movies. It goes down so smoothly at the movies. "would you like to go out on a Saturday?"

"I would love that."

"I'll pick you up at 8."

Wait a second. Even if they are interested, aren't there more planning. "Would you like to have dinner on Saturday?"

"I would like that, but I can't Saturday because my sister is flying into town. My sister and I are going out on Saturday night. I can do a Friday."

"I pick you up at 8."

"8 o clock is not going to work. My company is having a office party night. We probably should go to that. It goes up to 9 o clock. We can have a late dinner like a 10 o clock dinner on Friday."

"Uhm. I will pick you up at 9:30."

"Don't you need to know where I live?"

"I do need that information."

"I live in Jefferson township. If you take route 27, you are not able to get there. You will not able to take it all the way to township cause they are doing road construction the last two miles. So if you get 2 miles out of my town, you have to shoot over. Then pick up a street called Elms Meadow Lane. Then take that to the final two miles. It meanders around. Then you end up parallel with my township. So you will be coming from the west. You will see Alhambra apartments. You can't park in front of my building. They are doing water treatment out front. It was suppose to be completed like 3 months ago. But there's tennis courts across the street. It says no parking on the fence. Park there. The cross the street. My buzzer is very glitch. Don't even bother. Just call from the cell. I hear yah. I meet you out front. I should tell yah. I'm gluten free."

"I need a scratch piece of paper."

Jim Gaffigan Kisses Kale Goodbye to his Diet

Can we stop with the Kale propaganda? That stuff taste like bug spray. I was looking at a can of bug spray, and said, "made with real kale."

Kale is a super food, and it's special powers is tasting bad. It's inedible. All you have to do is freeze dry it, cover it in cyan peppers, put in shake, and buried it in the ground. Kale is so good for you. It's like a really bitter spinach with hair. Kale is so good for you.

If I found out Kale cure cancer, I'm going to be like, "I'm going to do the chemo." I tried the kale.

Haven't we evolved as a species so we no longer have to eat things like kale.

You know there were cave-mans, "One day we will no longer go through weeds. We eat porter house steak, so we no longer sound like cookie monster. Now we go to yum, yum donuts."

Kale. I just can't stand the kale bragging, "I just had some kale." No one asked you. People talk kale like it's a band, "have you seen the new album by kale?"

I was at a school event cause I have a thousand children. One of the mom was nice enough to make bean soup. I went over, and taste it, "This is very good." And she goes, "I snuck some kale in there." And I wanted to throw the bowl at her because she is trying to impress me with a vegetable. "Oh wow. You smarty.

Amy Schumer talks About Happy Ending Porn Streaming

I like to watch porn. Like what girls in here like porn? Thank you. I love it. All the whores are in the front -- the best. I don't like to watch the end of porn. I don't like to watch the end of any porn. Cause guess what happens at the end of the rainbow, every time? Spoiler alert -- He comes at her face. Oh what amazing choose your own adventure. It always end exactly the same. There's never a twist. Right? Like the guy is having sex with her. He looks on camera and says, "Are you reading that Nicholas Sparks book too? Oh what are the chances? Let's start a bed and breakfast together." No. He just comes on her head. We don't want to see that. Cause we think about that girl, that poor girl. And we know once the director yells cut, she is stumbling like hell, looking for a towel. "Where's the towel? Did you guys go to lunch? This isn't cool. You promise this is good for my skin."

So the guy he is dating, he is so lazy. He is like most dudes. He will not go down on me. I have to become a climber every time you know. Head up there -- just holding on like a nosy neighbor, peeking over the fence. I feel like Wilson from Home Improvement. I'm like, "Hey, Tool-man what's uh..." It's embarrassing up there.

I went on another date with this guy recently. He is really hot, so I pretend to be a good person. I said I love kids like I like pretend wearing a condom. I like to say something fun to bring it up. I'm gonna be honest, "You better want to wear this. I had a busy month. It's like a dish right now. I don't know what's happening.