Jim Gaffigan Weddings are Expensive and Weird Transition from Girls as Property to Princess Where Magic Exist

At times I feel like I'm trying to get fat. Last time I was eating a pint of ice cream, and I finished it cause I am American, alright. I took off the lid, and threw it away cause I'm not a quitter, everyone. And -- cause I care for the environment. I was conserving energy by not freezing. Your welcome. Of course it was at night. Have you ever eat ice cream during the day? What are we? 6 years old? We just got our tonsils out? Why are there people around me? Shouldn't I be alone, watching lifetime? "Those hoarders. Those are the people with problems." I always eat ice cream with sweatpants like a man.

My wife came into the room, "Jim, are you going to eat the entire pint of ice cream by yourself?"

I said, "Hopefully. Unless you selfishly want a bite."

"Jim, you have a 9 year old daughter. Don't you want to be at her wedding?"

"Not really. No. What, do you think there's going to be ice cream at her wedding? Cause if you promise... I still don't want to go."

How is attending a wedding... Why would that be an incentive?

"Don't you die! In 18 years there's going to be awkward party that you have to pay for. We need you to write a check."

No I understand weddings, and why it is important event where we spend a lot of money where a bride can pretend to be a -- princess. And marry her prince. And live happily forever after because magic exist.

We are a bunch of weirdos. Weddings are kind of weird. What's the logic? Well, we love each other. Why don't we pretend we have a kingdom. We will invite your parent's friends and my parent's friends. Then we will have a banquet. And two kingdoms will come together as one. We can start our married life in a total fantasy before we go on a completely unjustified vacation.

It's strange right? Weddings started as a crude, mid-evil ceremony where women's daughters exchange as properties. In the course of centuries, it has gotten worse. That's why people cry at weddings. "I can't still believe we are wasting money on this." Whenever i see somebody crying at a wedding, I say, "Don't worry. It probably won't work out."

Senior Citizens Always Cutting in Line with a Valid Excuse

Senior Citizens have their own rules.

Oh yeah, old people do what they want and how they want it. It's like anytime I go into a bank. We all have to wait in line at the bank. Old people just go for it. They, they. I see old people stand at the door and size up people, waiting in line. They like, "I can make it." They just decide to.. Have you ever seen a guy walk in a bank? And once they see people looking at them, they start getting older with osteoporosis on their back. They cut in line for... And most people will give them that look like, "Oh, he is getting old. He is gonna die soon. Just let him go." You know.

Black woman ain't letting nobody cut in line. Since... She would read your... She can be the 15th person in the back of the line. She be like, "Yeah girl, I only got 10 minutes left in... Oh no, he didn't. Hold up. Where is he? Where is he?" Have you ever seen this? They always have like Krispy Creame, "Uhm. Excuse me! Excuse me Boo. Ok. Alright." They get mad at everybody else that ain't saying nothing. "So you all gonna let that happen, right? Nobody saying anything? You gonna let that... Let him slide up."

There's always one nosey dude in the line like, "Come on geez. Let him go. He's old."

She be like, "Ok. Let me explain something. This is an A B conversation. You got to C you out of my face. Don't get me started with the animal on top of your head. You trying to pass for hair. Anyway, get that man in the back of the line."

Then the old dude always got something sleek. He would turned around and be like, "She told me to come back to this window when I am finishing out my form."

Then she feels like a fool. She don't know what to say, "ah uhm. what kind of shoes are those?"

Earthquake relationships are very Shaky 3 out of 4 ends up divorce

Earthquake, what's going on with your marriage.

It's over. I went to the store and never came back. Yeah, marriage is rough. I never will get married again. She took me forever thing I got. I have no luck with women at all. Oh, it's terrible. In Katrina, I even picked up a chick in the shelter. She was like, "Nah, I'm gonna wait on femur." And that's bad. But nah. I would never get married.

Is that your first marriage?

First and last.

Yeah, I said that 3 times.

You know the odds are against you. 55% percent of marriage ends in divorce. You got to figure another 20% percent want to get a divorce or should get a divorce, but they don't because of religion, children, and a man who wants to take disco dance again. It comes down to the odds of 3 out 4 marriage don't work. People keep getting married. I don't understand. If 3 out of 4 people hit you on the head, you would not get out anymore.

Geoff Brown talks about the Relationship Struggle between Feeling it and Getting it

Baby. Babies make me nervous. Have any of you guys seen a size? Are babies getting bigger now, when they come out? My best friend's baby was 14 pounds, 14 pounds. They didn't even hold him like a baby. They hold him by the mouth like a fish. And he cries like a grown man, "Urrrrrr." It's ugh. His big head is large -- just abnormal. What if your body never caught up with your head? Just imagine people him laying at home now, "I can't leave. I can't leave." Big headed people make nervous too.

Ugly people make me nervous. I'm telling you. I mean, luckily, there are no ugly people around in the studio. The security is like, "ta ta ta, you can't come here. Your teeth looks like it came to the front to breathe. You can't. Ta ta ta. Lazy eyes -- I hate that. If there is somebody out there with that, cover you eyes when you talk to people. I'm tired of figuring out what you are trying to say. Go get a job at Magic Mountain, giving out tickets or something. Your dog is not disobedient. He is confused. He don't know what to do.

You know my next woman is going to be Latin. I love... I love... Latin women are worth every bullet in your car. Oh, she is just so fine, so sexy - until the age of 35. Then Jesus pulled a rip chord on a life raft. Ass and belly goes, "blah blah blah." When she unzips her pants, she gets shorter, "phsssshhhssh." That's what I'm looking for.

I think we put too much pressure on women -- what size they got to be, a certain shape to be. In fact ladies, I think that is wrong. God made you in all different shapes and sizes. This is true. This is true. If a man cannot love you and respect you for the size that you are, what the hell, maybe you need to lose a little more weight then. That's not really the way I feel. I don't like little, skinny bony women. Ew, you can see the cheerios go down her throat. That's a no. I like a girl with some meat on her that can help me move a coach. I don't have to call my friends.

Yeah, yeah, I go kids. If I can give any advise to anybody, oh yeah, I will give my kids away. If you anyone of you have 1500 dollars, you can have the one that is good at math. Keep your numbers low. When you start having kids, keep your numbers low.

Let's just say you go out on a night like tonight where you spend a whole bunch of your money. You get back home. It's just you and her. You set the mood. You put the lights down low. You put on some music. Hugging goes to kissing. Kissing goes to feeling. Feeling goes to gropping. You are around 3rd base. You are about to do your thang. She goes, "Wait, Wait. I just want you to hold me." Hold me? Like that's it? "If you can't hold me, you are not sensitive to my emotional needs as a woman." Fellas you can't get mad. You can't get loud. Just accept it. You are not getting any.

Keep her attracted to yourself. Kiss her goodnight, and take her shopping the next day. The key to a women's heart is some place in a damn mall.

"Yeah, we are shopping for you today. We are not shopping for big daddy. We are shopping for you. You see those dresses you like there -- 1200 a piece. They only got 7 different colors. Get them down right now. Tennis bracelet? I even didn't know you played. Alright. You want the big diamonds? Sure. Oh go to the cash register now? Oh no no. I was thinking we can stand here and hold all of this. Yeah like last night -- just feeling it without actually getting it.

Matthew Perry Loves Serena Williams Prank at the ESPY with Pants Down

Good evening, and welcome to the ESPY awards. I'm Matthew Perry, and I am so pumped to be here. When I say pumped, I mean I'm rolling out of my skull. Tonights the night when sports meet entertainment, and says, "Hey, How are you? How you doing? Let's give out some awards. And entertainment says, "Yeah, alright."

It's been a wonderful year in sports, especially for me. My Red Sox won the World Series. My Patriots won the Super Bowl again. And 10 minutes ago I had World Class Sex with Serena Williams back stage. I'm just kidding. It was 20 minutes ago.

Ladies and Gentlemen we are fortunately in the presence of greatness here tonight. 7 times grand slam Champion, clearly a very good sport, is Serena Williams. The new record holder for touchdowns in a single season, Peyton Manning. And the first woman to every hold a lead in the Indinapolis 500, Danica Patrick. I think Lance Armstrong deserves an around applause.

Kevin James loves Air Conditioner on Star Search

I feel great. I'm glad I took the time to get in shape for the show. That was important to me. I'm actually looking at the bright side of looking heavy. You know. There is a bright side I guess. For instance, I don't need an iron anymore. That's pretty cool.

It's so hot in here. I cannot take it anymore. In my room, I have air conditioning, which is great. I grew up without air conditioning. It was the worst. My dad was too cheap, "Ah, we don't need an air conditioner. We will get those oscilatting fans. They are just as good." What a horrible invention this is. It's like waiting for a bus, "Oh man, when is that cold air going to get here."

"Ahhhhhhhhh..."

"Oh, wow. That was refreshing. I'm still sweating, and my clothes is sticking to me."

"Ahhhhhhhh..."

I'm trying new stuff while I am down here. I tried water skiing for the first time. I don't know if you guys ever tried it. I hated it. It's a lot of work for a small amount of fun. You got to put that vest on and your ski on; put your gloves on; grab a handle; straighten out the rope; and embrace yourself. Ok, I'm ready. Boom. I'm done. I gotta pull around, and locate my bathing suit.

KT Tara Believes In Equality on the First Date

I believe in equality for men and women. I really stand for that man. I went on a date with this girl recently, and she wanted me to pay. I have strict no paying policy on the first date ok. Oh I'm sorry ladies. I thought you guys were I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T. You know what that means. It means you can pay for some crap ok. That's a rap song. Just in case I spelled it out. Ask a black person.

Look. We don't know each other. Why don't we split it, and see what happens, right? If I am your boyfriend, I buy you stuff. I'm not against paying ever. I'm saying on the first date. How about no pressure, right?

This girl got so mad, "Oh omg. You are such a cheap guy. I think a guy should pay. I'm just old fashion."

And I felt bad. I was like, "Oh no. I'm sorry. I'm old fashion too. So how about you shut your mouth. Ah ah ah ah oh oh."

If you so old fashion, why don't you put on an apron? I'll pay for your meal when you make it. How about that? I will start voting. I will take a crap in a wood. How far do you want to go back? Do you remember the time stuff, huh? Oh, you are selectively traditional. Oh I see. Okay.

I have been single for 10 years, successfully. Thank you very much. I say successfully cause it's hard to be single for that long right. Girls try to use it against you like, "That's why you don't have a girlfriend?"

It's easy to have a girlfriend. What do I have to do? Get yelled at and be wrong at all the time. I can do that. Come on. It's easy to have a girlfriend, right?

Here's the thing. I just don't like... In a relationship, there's always a power struggle, right. In the beginning of a relationship, who's in control? Man or Woman? What do you guys think? The woman. Dude don't say anything, "ah uh duh ah hu, the woman." You know what? I think the dude is in control at the begining. Girls is in charge of the bed. You guys regulate the flaps. Yeah, you control that. But dudes are control of the relationship. You know why? Because girls, generally, are pretty much indecisive in the begining, right? It's like, "What movie you want to see?"

"I don't know. You pick."

"Do you want to go in or stay out tonight?"

"I don't know. You decide."

"What do you do later?"

"I don't know. You pick and decide."

What the hell. The problem is 6 months later. They start using that stuff against you. One night she'll be like, "You are so controlling. We always want to do what you want to do. I never get to say anything."

What does the guy do? "Okay, I'm sorry. We do whatever you want alright."

That's when girls take control -- in the middle of the relationship.

Anthony Jeselnik on Foot Fetish Dates

There's one thing that I did not understood was the foot fetish. Are you guys together right here? Yeah? How long have you been together? 5 years? Wow. Did you ever suck on her feet? No? Would you -- if you have a different girlfriend? Or are across the board no feet? Cause I'm the cross the board no feet. I once went on a date with a girl where we went hiking -- her idea. And while we're hiking she get bit by a snake in between two toes. And I had to suck out the poison -- so she's dead.

What's your name? Where you from Bridget? The suburbs. That sure narrows it down. What's up. What do you do? What do you do when you are being so freaking boring? Take your time. I'm really funny.

Godfrey Air Jordans $200 in Chicago and School Bus

And you know, my parents grew up poor alright. So you know, when you have parents growing up poor, you can't come to them with your bogus excuses. Cause in Chicago, it's like the bus broke down one time, and I had to walk to school. I had the nerve to tell my dad.

I said, "Dad, check this out. My bus broke down. I had to walk to school. Did you believe that?"

"Come here. When I was your age, I walked a hundred miles to school. And when we got there, there was no school."

So you know. I had to get Air Jordans cause Air Jordans was big time in Chicago -- $200. I saved up $195. I just have to ask my dad for $5. You know.

I said, "Dad, I want to get these Air Jordans. They are $200, but I saved up to $195. I need $5. I will pay you back next week."

"Come here. You want $5 for Air Jordans? When I was your age, we didn't have feet."

Sinbad compares Vegetarians and Meat Eaters in the Animal Kingdom Planet Food Chain

Anybody here a vegetarian, against killing animals? Maybe 1 or 2. There are lots in California, "The poor animals. The poor animals. We need to eat vegetables." God made us run fast or else we get killed. It's in the bible, the second krorytheum, "Thou shall run as fast as you can. When caught, we shall be eaten."

Anybody here vegetarian? You vegetarian? Why are you a vegetarian? You don't know why do you? It's only cool, "I don't eat meat anymore. I'm so hungry right now." You are hungry right now? Aren't you? Your blood sugar so low, " ." Look at all these meat eaters, "Ha ha ha ha ha." You, "How long is he going to talk? I thought this was a half hour show. How long is the show? I need a carrot."

So why you become a vegetarian? Oh you just became a vegetarian. Yeah, because it ain't natural. It's not natural. Look ok. Let me help you out. Look at the jungle. Who is the one running after? Lions, tigers eat meat. Look at the vegetarian. Try to get to a hole, "Go, go, go, go. We lost Jimmy." Start watching Animal Planet. You will start eating sandwhiches.

Lavell Crawford Understands Tsunami Salami Relief in Indonesia

I run into stupid people where ever I go. I live in Los Angeles, and there's nothing but dumb people. This lady come up to me with a can, "Chingle, chingle, chingle. Tsunami relief. Tsunami relief." I looked at her, and said, "What's a Tsunami?" She looked at me, and was like, "Huh? You don't know what is a Tsunami is?" I went, "Huh? No, I don't know what a tsunami is?" She said, "You going to stand there and tell me. You don't know what a tsunami is?" I said, "Heffe, I stand where ever you want me to. I'm gonna tell you right now. I don't know what is a tsunami is." She really got pissed off, "You don't know!" I said, "Bitch, I told you. I don't know what the hell damn is tsunami is."

Last time I saw a tsunami was between two pieces of white bread, and I ate that crap with some corn chips. She got real mad and was like, "You bastard. That's not a tsunami. That's a salami." I was like, "tsunami, salami, baloney  -- get your stupid butt out of my face." I don't know what the hell is tsunami, crap.

I said, "where the hell is the tsunami happening?" She goes pulling out a globe, and start spinning that sun of a bitch. See that's the problem right there. When you gotta spin a globe to find a country, it ain't none of my damn business. She go spinning it and ends on Indonesia. I was like, "What the hell is Indonesia? I don't know nothing about Indonesia."

Last time I read about it and the tsunami, they said the animals were climbing to higher grounds. Now, that means gorillas, giraffes and cows walking up a mountain. That would've told me everything I needed to know. I was like, "excuse me Mr. cow, where in the hell are you going?" Cow said, "we going up this mountain." I said, "Crap, I'm right with you then." Apparently you know where the hell you going. Apparently they have the weather channel.

Jim Breuer Advices All the Dads to Give their Mom Wife Plenty of Rest and Sleep or Else Havoc Unleashed the Devil

I am going to help every man in here. Again, they don't teach you about fatherhood, real fatherhood. The best thing you can do, as a father, is uhm, to make sure your wife, the mother of your children, get as much rest as possible. Because sleep deprivation, in a mother, leads to murder. You see it on the news, "Another woman drown her kid, and she just needed a nap. That was it."

And it's true. My wife is a beautiful woman, and she installs faith in life. She says to kids, "Make sure you thank god for a wonderful day and thank him foreverthing we have."

And if she don't nap, she don't sleep, the devil goes, "I'll take over from here." And there is nothing worse for a man, in the middle of the night at 5 in the morning. Your wife just sits right there at the edge of the bed, just staring at yah.

"Baby, what are you doing? Why are you so up early?"

"I'm so early? I haven't been to bed yet. I haven't had any sleep what so ever."

"We came to bed together at ten. And we went to bed..."

"No. No. No. No. You fell asleep at 10. I was up. Who can fall asleep when you fall asleep? Cause your mouth is always facing my way. It smells like somebody deprecated in your mouth, and your breath is disgusting. It's disgusting. You neeed to go to a doctor. I have no eyebrows left because of your breathe blowing on my face. And I kick you, and I shove you. You don't even move. You wouldn't wake up if we were attack on the middle of the night. You would hear nothing."

"Why don't you go to sleep?"

"I wish I could. I wish I could. And then just as I was ready to fall asleep, the 3 year old came walking in. She woke me up and filthy with pee. She peed in her bed again. She wet her whole bed. Then I had to change her clothes. Now she is mad and throws a fit. Then I throw a fit. We're running around, doing her clothes. Then I have to change the covers... Do you know why? Do know why she wet the bed? Because you gave her water before bed time. And tell you don't give the children any liquid before bed time or else they wet the bed. But you don't listen. You have to be the good guy all the time. By the way, I killed the cats."

Josh Blue loves His Asian Japanese Fetish Wife and Jesus is Far Behind

So can I tell you the most important person in my life. Yeah, don't worry it's not Jesus. You ever get that on the street, and they like, "Can I tell you about the most important person in my life?" And I'm like, "Uhm. Uh uh. I don't have that kind of time." I think the lords are calling you over there. Some of you guys need to loosen the notch of your bible belts.

The most important person in my life is my wife. She told me to say that. I'm just trying to avoid an ass whooping at home, you know. That's all a brother can do. Let me tell you. My wife is here tonight. Give her around of applause for her, huh. She's prolly hiding by now. She's awesome man. She's uh; she's actually Japanese. And I gotta tell you this. It's probably a good thing for both of this that she doesn't understand everything that I say. Right honey?

You know. You guys have been hanging out with me for 20 minutes now. For I am like this all the time. I can see how that can get annoying, "Honey, wow wow wow wow." She's like, "F off John." I'm like, "Oh, You learning good english, honey. Good job." She's awesome. It's weird. When you marry someone from asia, people like, "You have an asian wife, huh john? Do you have an asian fetish?" I'm like, "I guess so." But what kind of weird fetish does she have?

Steve Harvey Fired the Different Reactions of Letting Go

Black people handle getting fired different from white folks. You can't fire us the same. It ain't gonna go good. See the difference between fire black and white people is this. When you fire white people, they don't ever see it coming, "What? What are you talking about? What are you, nuts? For crying out loud... For the love of god... For petes sake..." Oh they got a list of crap when they think their butt is gone. Cause they can't believe their getting fired.

See black people on the other hand. We figure, "Well, any day now. My butt should be out of here." See we know when there's some firing going on, we first, so we pretty much expect it.

I know what I'm talking about cause I didn't have a lot of jobs before I got into this right here. I prolly have 10 to 11 jobs. Out of those 10, 11 jobs, I have been fired probably 10, 11 times.

I have this one job. The last job I had I was selling insurance. I had this boss name, Tom. Tom was white. I like Tom. Tom was fair. That's what I like about him. He was just a fair man. I never had a beef with him. Tom was going to fire this white guy, named Bob. I like Bob. I used to go to lunch with Bob. Met Bob's family. Bob was a nice guy.

So Tom came out of his office this one morning to fire Bob. Bob was just sitting there. See right away. If I see Tom walking to my desk, you know I perk up. Cause this could be it. Bob didn't look. Tom walked his butt out there, you know. Your boss butt is tight anyways. I don't know why that is. They always walking like somebody is pushing them. Why the walking like that? They prolly scared they might break something off of it or what, but it looks like somebody pushing in there butt all the time. And he walked his tight butt to Bob's desk, "Hey Bob, can I see you in my office for a moment please?"

Bob said, "Sure thing Tom."

Bob stood right up, walked right into Tom office, and said, "Tom, you wanted to see me?"

What the hell you mean that he wanted to see you. He just walked out to your desk, and said, "Bob, can I see you in my office for a minute?" What is this bull crap about. It's denial. He don't see it coming. And Tom proceeded to find Bob right by the book, "Yeah Bob. At the board meeting last week, and going over at the board, we were looking at your evaluation. I want to tell you the truth. You are not just cutting it."

"Tom, what are you saying?" You know good as well hell what he is saying. Your butt is almost out of here. You see what the hell is going on, but denial.

Tom said, "Listen to me. Bob, you are making it so difficult. I know you are going to have a tough time explaining this to Becky, but we gonna have to let you go."

"Ah, oh Jesus. Oh Tom, what am I going to do? What about the mortgage? What about the childrens college fun. Oh father god."

Yeah, but when you go out to fire Willy, it ain't gonna go like that. See believe me. When you go out to fire Willy, you gotta take a whole another approach. Tom came out there one day to fire Willy, and I sat next to Willy. Willy was my boy for sure. So soon that Tom came out, Willy and me went like," ." Cause we know something is going down now.

Tom walked out his ass to Willy, "Hey Willy, can I see you in my office for a minute please?"

"What for? What the hell we're going in the office for, Tom. If you gonna tell me, you gonna tell me right here. I got a desk right here. I ain't going in the office. You got something to tell Willy. You tell Willy right here."

Now Tom knows he got a problem. He knows he got to get this altercation behind close doors right now. Cause he knows Willy will show his whole butt. We gonna act like a damn fool out here. Willy gonna tell all this cubicle. Something is going down. Tom finally got his butt in his office. Willy stood up. Before Willy walked in, he start walking around the desk, "uh huh, it's going to be some bull crap in here. Yeah, I know some bull crap when I see it. Yeah buddy, uh huh. What the hell he calling me in the office for? I've been here for 12 years. Bastard never calls me go to his damn office. This is going to be some crap in here. I'm gona go in there. But I tell you what. It better not be for what I think it is. I know that."

So willy walk in Tom office, "what's up Tom?"

Tom tried to fire Willy just like Bob, "You know Willy, we are at the board meeting last week you know. We were going over your evaluation."

"What evaluation?! I haven't seen any gawd damn evaluation. Where did you have the evaluation. I wasn't there for it. It wasn't post on the board cafeteria last week. I haven't seen nothing. I tell you right now. I ain't signing crap."

Wanda Sykes Painful Bikini Wax Front and Butt Crack Boobs

I changed some things. I try to make some adjustments. I try to change some things. You know -- Like I tried to get waxed. Yeah, I tried waxing for the first time. Yeah, and my friend she has a spa. She runs it out of here house. I want to support her, so I want to get the whole spa package. And you know part of it is a bikini wax. Yeah, so I said OK I can give it a shot. I try. Yeah, you know.

She said, “Wanda, it’s going to hurt a little bit.” I was like, “I’m tough. I can handle that stuff.” So she put the wax on there, put the tape on there, “poof.” I smacked the crap out of here. You hear me. “Whoop! Poof! What the crap is wrong with you? Crap! Is this what you do? Sit up in your house and snatched hair off of people all day?” This is some sick crap. And then she starts smacking it. I’m like, “ouch, ouch, girl, ouch, what are you doing?” She’s like, “that takes the sting away.” I said, “no that freaking hurts.” How would you like if I stabbed you, and stuck my finger in the hole, “Oooo, doesn't that feel better? Soothing, huh?” Oooo I was mad.

And then I had to let her finish. You know. I had to let her even it out. I couldn't have one side waxed, and one side wavy. That crap doesn't match. It would feel like somebody is in my pants. I’m like, “How you doing?” Ooo that hurts. And then it got worst. I thought she was finished, and then she goes, “turn over.” I was like, “excuse me.” She’s like, “turn over. I gotta get the backside – get your butt.”

I’m like, “my butt? Ooo. That won’t be necessary.” Nothing goes on back there. Beside I like it to look like that cause it scares people away. I gotta make them think I got a dog chained up back there. They get closer. I even growl a little bit, “Rarrrr.” She was like, “Roll over fool. Come on. Come on.” She said, “it won’t hurt that much.”

OK. What the hell. A little change why not. So I turned over. She put the wax in there. Put the tape in there. Poof. Everything went white. And a little bit of pee came out. And I passed out. But I wasn't out long. Cause when I woke up, she was still standing there, holding that thing. And she goes, “Are you OK Wanda?” I was like, “Uh, I think you just ripped out my butthole.” You just ripped out my butthole. Why would you do that? Don’t throw that one. I need that back. Some sick stuff. I never felt pain like that before.

That kind of pain should only happen in the wild somewhere. It shouldn't be happen to humans. You know when you watch those nature shows. And then you see the lion stalking the wilder beast with that initial bite that seems so painful. That’s what it felt like. I picture my butthole running across the Sierra. I’m like, “Run butt-hole. Run butt-hole, run. Come on butthole. Ah.” Hot lion teeth on my butthole. That’s what it felt like.” Crap, I got a techno shot when I got out there.

 So I’m get my stuff together. You know getting ready to leave. I’m getting dress. She was like, ”wait a minute. You’re not finished. “ I’m like, “What?” She goes, “I gotta do your facial.” I’m like, ”my facial? Not when you've been digging around my butt. “ I don’t want your hand and butt touching my face. You don’t go ass to face. You go clean to dirty.

Sebastian Maniscalco eats at Chipotle and talks bout Selfie and Writing Reviews Online On the Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Listen. It’s so good to be here. I just ran into Lee. That guy is stunning. Alright, it’s so good to be here on the tonight show, Jimmy Fallon, New York City. Alright. I love New York.

There is lots of Italian out here. I come from an Italian Family – Immigrant Father. And when you come from an immigrant parent, they put you to work real early. Ok. I have been working since I was 8 years old. Watching TV, my father walked into the living room. He is like, “Hey, go start a business.”

“Now?”

They told me when growing up who had what I wanted in the neighborhood. They didn't buy us anything. We like, “Dad, can we get a dog?”

“If you want a dog, 3 houses down. If you want to pet something with fur, you walk 3 houses. You pet the dog, and come back here. Then you cut my grass.”

“What?!”

And I look around today. Society does not match how I grew up. Nobody is working in this country. Nobody. They are all walking around, “ha, ha, ha, he, he, he.” The whole country is taking photos of themselves. I have not seen anything like it. Sitting and taking a photo in the bathroom? I even look at the photo. Have you guys look the background? Do you ever see some of these bathrooms? Playing with chicken wings. What are you doing? Eating chicken in the bathroom?!

And everyone is on the internet writing reviews? Writing reviews? You got nothing to do but writing reviews on a restaurant? Me and my wife – we go to dinner. I tell her right there, “Salmon sucks. Let’s get the hell out of here. That’s the review. We don’t go home a tattletale on the restaurant. Who gots time to write an 18 page essay on the asparagus they had last night?

I go out to eat a lot. I just went out to chipotle – love chipotle. But the food is so sensational, the employees can’t stop eating it. Everytime I walk in, the 15 employees eating. The only guy that is behind the counter is cutting chicken. He’s just looking. That guy is not train on burrito. He is chicken cubing 8 hours a day. And the people are so involved when they order the burrito. They have to put the spit guard up. But the people don’t even get it. They are still, “Can I get corn?” Just say, “CORN.” They can hear you. It’s not sound proof. And nobody talks to the chipotle people.

They hear the same stuff 10 hours a day, “CHICKEN, CHEESE, RICE, PEPPERS, GONE.” I have not ever seen anything like it. “STEAK, SOUR CREAM, LETTUCE.” And the employees, “ah ah ah ah ah ah.”

Gawd forbid you ask for guacamole. They don’t even know how to tell you that it’s extra money. I ask for guac. They put some guac, and like, ”ahhhh. It’s a dollar 20 extra. Is that okay?” “Yeah, throw it on. What’s. What happen to you last time you put guacamole, and you didn’t say anything?”