Really Really 2 BAD words of all time by Elon Gold

My nine year old boy -- He came home recently and he... It was the cutest story, 100% true story. He came home, and he said, "Daddy, I learned two really bad words."

"Ok son, let's hear them. What are they."

He's all, "No, no. They are so bad that I can't even say them. I'm just going to spell them."

I was like, "Alright, fug it. Spell them." I should have not said that. But I figured that was one of the words, and then we have that covered. And move on, but it wasn't. It was worse. It was worse. I was like, "Ok, spell it."

And he goes, "K..." I'm going through the list.

Elon Gold makes Languages sound Funny with Russian French and Japanese Accent

Accents to me are so strange. But languages are even weirder. Like the Russian accent, it's kind of weird. The Russian language -- Oh my gawd. Have you ever hear anyone speak Russian? It's like, "Knee-vah-shnush-vee-nee-reed-eeem-nighee-sheeeed-sneeet-veeet-boo-boo-snheed." It's like, "Are you talking backwards? Russian language literally sounds like English, played in reverse -- with somebody pressing pause and unpause every 3 seconds. Like, "veed-chdreem-zeet-nreed-moosh-need-waaz-shneed."

Japanese -- They say Japanese is you know... It's a nice language. Is it? I don't know. Every time I walk into a sushi restaurant, they start yelling at me, "Arigatou gozaimashita!!" That's not a nice language. That's the noise my blender makes when i put something in it that I shouldn't of, "arigatou gozaimashita!!" Oh I left my spoon in there. That's the problem. I knew there was something weird.

And they say french is a beautiful, romantic language. No, it isn't. Whenever I hear two french people talk, it's sound like they are just mocking each other. Like, "Nha frank, frank. Wee. Wee. Poo. Poo. Blee. Blee. Blah."

Mitch Hedberg famous Yogurt, Bigfoot, Pringles, Turkey, and Wait list Party of 3 bit

Some Canadian television exposure, finally. I gotta find out when this airs, so when I come into this country, I'll be ready for the adulations. I have been to David Letterman show twice. Anybody see me? Hey I be damn. Like 4 million watching that show, and I don't know where the hell they are. That's my favorite introduction that I ever had. "You might heard of this next comedian on the david letterman show, but I believe more people have seen me at the store." And that would be a better introduction. "You might have seen this next comedian at the store." And people would say, "Hell yes I have."

I opened a yogurt. And underneath the lid, it says, "please try again." They were having a contest that I was unaware of. But I thought I might have opened the yogurt wrong. Or Yo-plait was trying to inspire me, "Come on Mitch, Don't give up. Please try again. A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait. Fruit on the bottom. Hope on top."

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to too.

I like to play black jack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle. My friend is a blackjack dealer. And on his forearm, he has a tattoo of an ace and a jack. You see. I'm a blackjack player. On my forearm, I'm gonna get a tattoo of a 10 and a 2. And maybe later a king.

I think Bigfoot is blurry. That's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me because there's a large out of focus monster, roaming in the country side.

One time this guy handed me a picture, and said, "Here is a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger. Ain't it about time someone said that.

I think pringles initial attention was to make tennis balls. But on the day the ball was suppose to show up, a big truck load of potatoes arrived. And pringles said, "What the hell. Cut them up."

I think a roaster is a really morbid Ferris wheel for chickens. It's a very scary piece of machinery. We will take the chicken and paint it and rotate it. And I'll be damn if I am not hungry. Because spinning chicken caucuses makes my mouth water.

If you go to the grocery store and you stand in front of the lunch meat section for too long, you start to get pissed off at turkeys. You see like turkey ham, turkey pastrami, turkey bologna. Some one needs to tell the turkeys, "Man, just be yourself." I already like you little brother. You don't need to emulate like the other animals. You got your own thing going.

I had a apartment in Los Angeles, and I had a neighbor. whenever he knocked on my wall, I knew he wanted me to turn my music down. That made me angry cause I love loud music. So I knock on his wall to mess with his head. I would say, "Go around. I cannot open the wall. I don't know if you have door knob on the other side, but over here there's nothing."

I like Kitkat unless I am four or more people.

When I wear t shirts, I can only wear v necks because my neck is very fragile. I cannot wear regular neck shirts. It hurts. And I especially hate turtle necks. Wearing a turtle neck -- it's like being strangled by a really weak guy -- all damn day. If you wear a turtle neck and a backpack, it's like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

You know restaurants over the weekends get busy, so they start a waiting list. They start calling out names. They say like, "Dufran party of 2. Table ready for Dufran party of 2." And if no one answers, they would say the name again, "Dufran party of 2." But if no one answers, they go on to the next name, "Bush party of 3." Yeah, but what happened to Dufran? No one seems to care. Who can eat like a time like this? People are missing. You people are selfish. Dufran is in someones trunk right now with duck-tape over thier mouth, and they are hungry. That's a triple whammy. We need help. Bush search party of 3. You can eat once you find the Dufran.

Jeff Allen's 20th Wedding Anniversary Spent in Hawaii with No Clue about Entertainment and Activities

My wife is here tonight. By the way, we are celebrating our 20th anniversary last July. Thank you. I knew it was the special anniversary, and I messed up the previous 19. I am not going to mess this one. I went to her about a month out. I asked her, "Where do you like to celebrate? I know this is going to be special." I was thinking restaurant. She almost hit me in the head with a brochures. She said, "Hawaii." You know. I would be happy staying home as long as near you buttercup. She goes, "You want to get near me. Get on the plane. I'm going to Hawaii."

It's the first time in 10 years my wife and I get away from home without children. And you parents know after 10 years... By the second day in Hawaii, we had no idea how to entertain ourselves. It was the most pathetic display of human behavior that I have ever witnessed. Two losers standing in a hotel lobby. "What do you want to do?"

"I don't know. What do you want to do?"

"I don't know."

"You want to eat."

"Yeah, we can eat. That be good."

"What you want Mexican?"

"I don't know. Can we get Mexican in Hawaii?"

On the third day, we just did thing that came natural to us. We went to the beach, and started yelling at people's kid. "Yeah, leave your little sister alone. Never mind who are we."

"We are the losers of beach patrol of Tennessee."

Donald Glover talks about Kids that are Sugar Addicts and Crave Cocoa puffs Vs Kix Vs Cheerios

Kids love sugar. My brother, Steven, loves sugar. He loves sugar. We were not allowed to have any sugary cereal as a kid. We weren't. We weren't allowed to have any sugary cereal as a kid. My mom would like get... We would only allowed to have to types of cereals. It was cheerios and kix. And cheerios is like cardboard doo doo. And kix is like the handjob of all cereals. It's like a little sweet. It's the hand-job of cereals cause it's like, "this is pretty good, but you really know what I really want." So like we would always go to the store. My brother was like, "I really want co co puffs. I really want cocoa puffs. Can we get cocoa puffs?" My mom would be like, "No. No. No. No, we are not getting coco puffs. No sugar. No. No. No."

And then one day my brother snapped. He just snapped. He's like, "Mom, everyone is eating it." My mom goes and grabs and goes, "Fine!" Throws it in the cart, and walks away. Me and my brother was like, "What?! It was that easy?"

So we go home, and we be skipping around like, "Yes. Yes. We are going to get coco puffs. This is so awesome. Yes. Yes. This is going to be so great. We are going to tell everyone at school that we had coco puffs."

And she... My mom was a Tupperware woman. And my mom goes over to the cabinet. And does the most devious thing that I have ever seen anyone do. She takes a big Tupperware container meant for cereal -- One of those big things you pour in and stuff. Opens it up. Takes a quarter of the coco puffs -- Just like the top, quarter. Pours it in there like, "blah blah." Then take a big box of kix, and pours like the whole thing on top of it. Shakes it up, so like the ratio was like 13,000 kix to 1 coco puffs. It's like spots of brown. It looks like a Kanye concert. That's what it was -- a Kanye concert. She takes the box, and slides it across table. And she was like, "there you go."

And my brother was like, "boo hoo." And he continues to pour some into the bowl, "You witch. How could you ruin this to me?" My brother was crying, and he still ate it. That's how much kids love sugar. That's how much my brother love sugar. He was an addict. He could have been, "F this. I don't need this." But he was like, "I still want it. I still want it..." It's like... If you love pizza, "Hey, you like pizza? There you go." You are not going to be like, "Oh you A hole." Don't eat the pizza. Don't eat it.

Donald Glover Hates Kids and Rather Have AIDS over baby Babies thank you Condoms

Kids are awful. You don't know. You don't know. Do you know the testament of how awful the kids are? I was walking down the street in LA. Just walking down the street from my favorite restaurant with a bag full of food. And it's right across the street from school. I saw two kids fighting over a basketball. I was walking by. And one of them goes, "Gawd dang." And pulls it, and the other one goes, "that's why your mom is on a freakin wheelchair."

And I drop my shit, and I was like, "Wha wha!! What!!! You can say that?! You can say that word in that order?! And you don't explode?!" Like the people police don't go, "This person is a demon. I don't know how. I don't know how he got out." That is the most awful thing in the world. Nobody in this room can get away with that.

If ou went to work tomorrow, and he goes, "hey man, David has been a real jerk."

"Yeah, I know. what's doing on?"

"I don't know, but... that's why his mom is on a freakin wheelchair. Alright, I'll see you later. I see you basketball later."

"No. No basketball later. I'm not playing with a monster."

I'm tired of Hitlers.

Seriously that's why I wear condoms. I'm not going to have a baby. I'm not ready to have a baby. I know a lot of people would be just say, "I wear condoms cause I don't want to get AIDS." But I gotta be honest. I'm sorry. I'd rather much have AIDS than a baby. Sorry AIDS beats baby by this much. Seriously, people get all upset when they hear about it. Think about it. They are not that different. They are not that different at all. They are both expensive. You'll have them for the rest of your life. They are constant reminder of the mistake you made. And once you have them, you can pretty much only date people who have them. What's the difference. What's the difference. The only difference is you can't go to jail by accidentally dropping AIDS. So AIDS win by this much.

I'm serious. At least people, when you have AIDS, people are aware and they want to help and feel sorry for you. People want to help you out, and make other people aware when you have AIDS. People don't give a shit when you have kids. No ones like, "Yeah man, I'm living with kids. I have been kids positive for about 5 years now. I lost many of my friends from the 80s from kids. It's just... We are doing a kids walk tomorrow. Ugh. I'm sorry. One of my kids cough on my face. I have to leave." No one cares.

Henry Cho talks about How to handle Talkative Women in his Knoxville Tennessee Accent

Thank you very much. You guys are too kind. My name is Henry Cho. I'm full blooded Korean. I was born and raised in Knoxville, Tenseness. I don't speak Korean though cause they didn't offer it in high school. I took spanish.

I did go to Korea though one time. 25 years ago, I went with my dad. It's weird because Korean people walk up to and start talking to me. I don't know what to do. I'm like, "How are you all doing? Get away from me." I did go with my dad. This is where you are going to follow me on this. Back in Knoxville, we are the only Asian people. My dad is the only Asian man that I have ever seen in my life before I went to Korea. So I can pick my dad at any crowd like that. This reverse on me in Korea. We got in the plane. Then he walked 20 feet away. And I just lost him, "Ahhhh." I found him like an hour later. "Dad, don't you ever leave me man. They're talking to me."

The only traveling I do now, across the world, is mission trips -- 3rd world countries. You know. I was India. The weirdest thing that they don't got there, show curtains. Unbelievable. No show curtains. Same kind of bathroom. No shower curtains. The water goes everywhere. So I start thinking, "Wow. the movie, psycho, will not work here." There be no, "whff." There be, "what are you doing here man. Close the door. It's cold."

One thing I noticed in 3rd world countries that they all have in common is lack of food. We have so much food in this country. It's unbelievable. We have the food network. We have eating competition. We have so much food that we develop allergies to food. Doesn't happen in 3rd world. I guarantee you. There is no one in Honduras that is lactose intolerant. Not one kid that was given a sandwich, in a little village in India, not one kid went, "Uh, does that have peanut butter?" No peanut butter by the way.

My wife is going to Haiti soon. My wife is awesome. We have been married for 13 years. 13 years of marriage is great. I'm in show biz. That's like a 112. My wife is great. My wife is like most wives. My wife can find anything. The other day, my oldest boy lost his DS in my truck. He and I go looking for it. My truck is not dirty. It's not in there. I came in like, "Honey, not in there." She was like, "Well, let me go look." I'm like, "Go look." No, she was outside when I said that. So she is back in 30 seconds, "It was like right there." I'm like, "Man." She walks off. And my boy looks at me, and goes, "How she do that?" I'm like, "Well, she is a witch. Have you ever seen your mom float. Witches can't float. Your mom is a witch."

It's like mom can find anything except for her own cellphone. My wife loses her cellphone like 20 times a day. She has two phones so she can find the other phone. Luckily she is on her own 5 circle of friends, so it's cheaper. I thought with all the cellphones that she'll be done with talking now, but she don't. You know. Women have to talk. This is scientific fact. I'm not being sexist. Women use more words than men. It's not like 12 more. It's like thousands more. If they don't get it out, they build like rollover minutes. And we pay the penalty. If my wife finds out that I don't care about 95% of the stuff like our house, I don't care about my house, our lives would be so much smoother.

Other day I was watching the ball game. She just paused it. She goes, "Henry, do you like these curtains?" I said, "Yes."

"What do you like about them?"

"No."

One of those would get you out, right?

Bill Burr Disses Steve Jobs as Hero because Apple Tech Garbage Pollutes into the Ocean with Sea Life

Actually nerd Jesus died last year, right? - Steve jobs. Yeah, he died, right? I know. I know. Lot of nerds are here tonight. I know. You are sad. I didn't get it. I didn't get the big deal made about that guy. When he died, they're like, "He changed the world." That's insane. "He changed the world! The world was one way! And then Steve Jobs came, and it was another!" What did he do? Somebody, for the love of god. What the freak did that guy do? What he do? He told other people what to invent. "I want my entire music collection in that phone. Get on it!" Right? Then these poor nameless faces scientists gotta go into the back room, and figure it out. "How the freak we are going to get all of this into this? I mean. What year is this guy think it is? This guy is crazy. This is like Buck Rogers. Dude, my kid has a birthday like in 11 months."

Steve Jobs just walking by, "I don't want to hear any thinking going on in there." He be strutting around the office, eating some pretentious fruit like a pear, right? Just throwing out ideas. "I have another one. Here's another one I just came up with on the way to work. I was reading a magazine the other day, turning pages. You know. I like to turn pages on the screen that aren't even there. Yeah, wrap your freaking head on that one guys. See you in 8 years. Where are going Michael - big, little, big little. Get on it."

Right? Then all these people slave away to make his vision come true, and then they have the big nerd fest, right --down there in comic con. Then all the nerd mecca -- they are all showing their acne and their hulk shirts, limping in the arena, right? Does Steve jobs go out in a whole chorus line of scientists? Naw, he goes out there by himself -- sneakers with no belt like it's no biggie. Like he's Tesla, tapping in the atmosphere.

I know. This is always uncomfortable. I know. You bought into it, right. That whole advertising. How they align themselves with the greatest people of all time. Jesus, Gandhi, me. Remember that? Mohammad Ali, John Lennon, this guys... How the freak was that dude like any of them? Gandhi didn't have a sweatshop. Nah, he didn't have people leaping to there deaths only to get... catch a net and get ricochet back to the window to have to put together yet another iPad. John Lennon didn't have children in his basement, pressing those freaking albums.

I know. I know. New phone can't fit the old charger. This is your hero? This is the guy? This is what all the silence is all about. New phone can't fit the old charger, so you gots to throw it out. It ends up in the ocean around some octopus's neck. Do you realize how much sea life is ecstatic that that man no longer walking the earth.

That's where it all ends up. You know. It doesn't go to landfill. It all goes into the ocean. Do you guys realize that? I hate people say that they don't pollute. "I don't pollute." Yeah, you do. You use shit, and you throw it out. What? Do you think you put it in the basket it poofs, disappear? Everything you ever use goes somewhere. Do you ever think about that? Remember that flannel shirt that you bought back in the day when you got into Pearl Jam? That is out there somewhere. Probably on some corpse's face, trying to get it off. Stupid little flippers.

All the fads. Do you remember rollerblading? Remember that? Everybody had them. We set up cones. We did little tricks, right? What little homophobic joke killed that entire fad. What's the hardest thing about rollerblading? "Uhm... telling your parents that you're gay." Full grown adults going, "I'm not gay. I don't have the cuties. These mean I suck dick." So they just threw them out. They end up in the ocean. They made out of plastic. They can't biodegrade. They just break down into little cubes. Fishes are breathing them in. 6 months later, you going out for sushi. You thinking you being healthy. You're eating your own roller-blades.

Jim Gaffigan Loves McDonald's Fries Big Mac and admitting His Obsession

I reference McDonalds a lot cause I go to McDonalds. I love the silence that follows that statement -- like I just admitted to subordinate dog fighting or something, "How could you? McDonalds?" It's fun telling people you go to McDonalds. They're always give you that look like, "Ah Oh. I didn't know I was better than you?" No one admits going to McDonalds. They sold six billion hamburgers a day. There's only 300 million on this country. It's like, "Hmm... I'm not a calculus teacher, but I think everyones lying." Have you ever been to McDonalds, and you see a friend for a second? You're like, "Oh crap." Eventually you are like, "Hey, Hey, What's going on?" They're like, "I'm just here for the 99 cents ATM. What are you doing here Jim?"

"I'm just meeting a hooker. Certainly not eating here. That's for sure. Yeah, she should be here by now."

Cause we all should know better by now, right? We all read the articles, seeing those documentaries. It's the same message, "Look McDonalds is really bad for you. It's really high in fat and calories." And we don't even know where the meat comes from. And we're like, "That's disgusting. I'll have a big mac, a large fry, and 2 gallon drum of coke." Because there's a McDonalds denial. We all embrace it. No ones going in there innocent. We are walking in a red and yellow building with a giant M over it. "What is this? A library? Well, I'll get some fries while I'm here." Because those McDonalds fries are truely amazing, right? Have your mother made anything good as a McDonalds fries? Not even close. We lie to ourselves when we eat at McDonalds. We like, "It's so thin. It couldn't be that fattening." Have you ever eatten too many McDonalds fries? Of course not. There's never enough of them. There's always that moment when you're eating McDonalds fries that you were like, "What happened? Where they go? Then you go scrouging for the fry crumbs. You're like,"Hmmm... oh that's just a piece of paper from a straw. But it was touching the fry so..." Sometimes there's a loose fry in the bag. You know -- the bonus fry? It's like Jesus up in heaven, "Give him an extra fry. He'll pay if forward."

By the way, that's how Jesus sound -- or at least I hope. You don't want to meet Jesus, and he's like, "Hey, yah, how you doing? You been turning the other cheeks. I gave you the bonus fry for a reason."

The bonus fry is always extra long, and you're like, "How did i miss you? Bonus fry, you get your own ketchup packet." You always savour the last fry. I'm going to turn this into 10 bites, "Oh I meet you up later. I'm going to eat this bonus fry." These fries are amazing -- for what, 7 minutes? Then they turn into something like not biodegradable.

Have you ever made a mistake reheating McDonald's fry in the microwave? They become packing peanuts. It doesn't stop you from eating. You're like, "These are not even good anymore. How is yours? Yours aren't good either."

Fries can't get cold. Shakes can't get warm. Have you ever leave McDonald's shake out for an hour? Reality sets in, "This is not even made from milk. It's just some kind of chocolate mucus." But we all know this. We know McDonald's commercial aren't realistic. I would like to see one commercial that shows people 5 minutes after they ate McDonald's, "Ugh... Now I need a cigarette. I deserve a cigarette break today." But they get us in there, you know.

Some of those deals they offer are just cruel -- 2 big macs for 2 bucks. I drive by, "Well, I don't wanna lose money on this. I'll get 80 of them." I know some of you are like, "Sorry white trash guy, I don't eat McDonald's." I have friends that brag about not going to McDonald's, "Oh, I would never go to McDonald's." Well, McDonald's would not want you because you're a dick. I'm tired of people acting like they are better than McDonald's. It's like you never set foot in McDonald's, but you have your own McDonald's. Maybe instead of buying a big mac, you read US Weekly. Hey, that's still McDonald's. It's just served up a little different. Maybe your McDonald's just telling yourself that Starbucks frappe-late is not a milkshake. Or maybe you watch Glee. It's all McDonald's. McDonald's of the soul. Momentary pleasure followed by incredible eventually leading to cancer. Oh, I'm loving it. We all have our own. We all have our own McDonalds. It may take me a while digest my quarter pounder with cheese, but that tramp stamp is forever. Do Do Do Do Do. Mistake.

Really, it's all McDonald's out there, right? How can we all name 3 different people that dated Jenifer Aniston. It's McDonald's. And we gobble it up like McDonald's fries like, "Who is she dating now. I know I shouldn't but so salty. Is she pregnant yet? It's not even my business. Johanson got a haircut? Why do I give a shit?" Because it's McDonald's. And it feels good going down. By they way if you care who prince William married, that's burger king. That's not even our gossip.

I just love this societal outrage of McDonald's, "McDonald's has no nutritional value. It has no vitamins." McDonald's is like, "Excuse me, we sell burgers and fries. We never said we are a farmer's market. Heck, our spokesperson is a petefile clown from the 70s. What do you want from us america? But I always raised from McDonald's, and I turned out... well, that's not the best reasoning. McDonald's has given us so much. We wouldn't know when breakfast ends if there was no McDonald's. I'll be eating eggs at 5pm like a moron. Thank you McDonald's. How are we suppose to know Saint Patrick's day without the shamrock shake. Thank you McDonald's. Without McDonald's, how would I communicate to the world that I give up. Cause if you are over the age of 10 and you are eating McDonald's, you have given up a little bit.