Mitch Fatel's Stand up talks about Sex and Breast

Small breast are like, "Hi! Can I help you with something?" I'm like, "No. I am just looking." I don't even know why I like breast. They don't even do anything. They just bounce up and down, and it makes me happy. I can be very sad. And I see breast, and I'm like (me bouncing). I get happy. Thanks I am very funny.

I like girls who are easy. They are so much fun. They make the dates so fun. Some girls make you wait before they have sex with you. What's that about? I met with this girl, "I like to wait 6 months before I have sex with a guy." I was like, "I really, really respect that. Okay, I guess I'll see you in six months. Do you just email me? How does that work? I want to make sure I block off that date. Just in case I am planning a vacation."

I'm very fertile. I got a girl pregnant once. She called me up, and she was like, "I think I am pregnant." I was like, "The number you have reached..." Because babies are expensive, and they eat your food.

It's hard to get a girl pregnant. Do you know girls can only get pregnant 2 days out of every month. Only 2 days. And only 1 day is the main day. The second day they are already pulling down the gate and closing up. The tricky sperm can be like, "I just want to talk to the egg. I'll be out in one minute. I just one to see if my friends are in there." Thanks, I am very funny.

I would make such a great boyfriend for some ladies out there because I'm whipped. I do everything I am told, and never complain when I get sent out to get something. That's how you know you are a boyfriend when your whole life just becomes getting sent out on errands. And you look forward to it because you get to see other guys at the store. You walking around, and you're like, "Sam what are sent out for? Let me see your note. Oh, I needs pad too. Let's walk together."

Rita Rudner Talks About Men and Women Relationships, Marriage, and Having Children

She was so big. I could not keep the magazine closed. My old boyfriend used to look at those pictures. For hours, I said, "Do you think she is pretty?" He would say, "Noooo." I hook him up to a lie detector once, and he shorted out Chicago. He used to say, "I read playboy for the articles." Yeah, and I said, "Yes, I know. I go to department stores for the escalators."

I do love to shop. I admit it. I rationalize shop. I buy a dress because I need change for gum. One time I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I go, and I buy a new outfit. And it makes me feel better. It just does. In fact, sometimes when I see a really great outfit, I'll break with someone on purpose. Once I saw a great outfit, I was not dating anyone. So I went up, hug a stranger, slap him, and bought it.

Relationship, they don't last anymore. You know. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself, "Is this the man I want my children to spend the weekends with?"

My mom always trying to figure out new ways to keep excitement in their marriage. It's not easy. She took up belly dancing once. She just was not good at it. To appear like she was moving, my dad and I had to jiggle the furniture behind her.

My cousin just got married for totally, totally the wrong reason. She married a man for money. She was not really subtle about it either. Instead of her "fiance", she kept calling him her, "finance-EE".

Why are women wearing perfume that smells like flower to attract men? That is what I don't understand. Men don't like flowers. I have been wearing a great scent called "new car interior".

I just read men reach their sexual peak at 18. Did you know that? Women reach their sexual peak at 35. Did you get the feeling God is into practical jokes? We're reaching our sexual peaks right around the same time they discover they have a favorite chair.

I do think about having children because time is running out. I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.

My friends tell me story that scares me. One of my friends told me, she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours. Another friend of mine, she pregnant, and her husband wants to have natural child birth, but she doesn't, so he has been going to those classes by himself.

They are trying to put warning labels on liquor now that say, "Caution! Alcohol can be dangerous to pregnant women." Did you read that? I think that's ironic. If it was not for alcohol, most women will not even be that way.

My friends. They make such big deal over their children birthday party. It's so amazing. My friend just had a birthday surprise party. He's one. We all sneaked around the crib. We jumped, and yelled, "Surprise!" He was surprised. He's in therapy.

I had the worst birthday party ever, ever when I was child because my parents hired ponies to give rides. These ponies were never in good shape, but this one dropped dead. It just was not much fun after that. One kid would sit on it, and rest of us would drag him around in a circle.

I guess I'll go because I am in show business. I have so many exciting things to do now. I don't know. I'll go to sleep. I admit it. I love to go to sleep. It is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious. Once I went to sleep, and I dreamt I had insomnia. It was just a strangest night. I woke up, and thought, "now i can get some sleep."

Margaret Cho Talks about Looking Good and Nuclear Weapons

I get a lot of pedicure and manicure, which i never did before. I just want to take care of my body (in that very shallow way). I went to this place in Pittsburgh to get a manicure. It's called Paris Nail, so I called, "hello?"

Paris Nail: "Hello, Welcome to PARIS NAIL!"
Cho: "Ooooo. Bonjour."

I think they are gonna figure out that you are not from Paris.

Paris Nail: "Welcome to PARIS NAIL! You pick color! YOU PICK COLOR!"

You know Koreans. We are pretty sneaky ass people, "What do you mean? We don't have any nuclear weapon. What are you talking about? We don't have nuclear weapons."

But if you keep on asking, they will get mad, "We WILL USE THEM ON YOU! We WILL USE THEM ON YOUUUUU (if we had them. if. if we had them)!

Demetri Martin talks about Loving Kids, Throwing Bottles in The Ocean, and Being a Creep

I have certain request in order to do a benefit show. I said, "I'll do the show, but I need giant, gay icicles behind me, or I can't do it. I work well with giant, gay icicles." It worked out. They make me look cool, and a little less gay than the icicles themselves.

I heard this lady say, "I love kids." That's nice, but a little weird though. It's like saying, "I like people for a little while." How old are you? 14? F*** off. You can say, "I love kids," as a general statement. That's fine. It's when you get specific. That's when you get into trouble, "I love 12 years old."

I was on this street. I saw this guy wave to me. He came up to me, and said to me, "I am sorry. I thought you were someone else." I said, "I am."

Ever fight is a food fight when you are a cannibal.

If you want to sound like a creep, just add the word "ladies" at the end of things you say. You can say something harmless too like, "thanks for coming to the show, ladies." "Help! I've fallen in a trap. I need help, ladies."

I love the beach. I like to get there really early before anyone shows up. Take like 30 bottles with notes in 'em, and throw 'em in the water. Then, wait for everyone to come to the beach. When someone goes up to pick up one of the bottles, I'll go up right behind 'em. Cause when they open it, it says, "I'm standing right behind yah."

John Mulaney on Donald Trump's Plan to Strike It Rich

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John Mulaney - Donald Trump
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It's tough to know what to do with your money these days. A few days ago, the Dow Jones dropped another 240 points. And I can't tell you how frustrating it is to not know what that means. It's embarrassing.

I did see an advertisement where you can learn to get rich from Donald Trump. He would teach you how to get rich. He would know. He is a rich man. He is not just a rich man. Donald Trump is what a Hobo imagines what a rich man to be. He was walking in the ally one day, and heard this.

Hobo - "Oh boy oh boy, as soon as my numbers come in, I am going to put tall buildings with my name on em. I'll have fine, golden hair, and a tv show where I fire people with my children."

Donald Trump was like, "That is how I'm going to live my life. Thank you hobo for the life plan."

Jordan Rubin talks about picking up an Accent

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Jordan Rubin - Going Abroad
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One of my friends just got back from England. He was there for 2 weeks, and he already has a British accent. It's really pissing me off.

He's like, "Do you want to go to a movie?"

When I was in college, I went to Africa for a month. I didn't go, "cluck, yeah, buu. clah, goo. dah. duh."

Kevin Hart stopped working out at the Gym

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Kevin Hart - The Gym
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The reason why I stop going to the gym is this. You see those big dudes? Real huge with no neck. Those strong dudes. I saw him one day, and I was like, "Dude, why are you still here? It's it. You won. You got em all. Why you still here?"

When you are that big for no reason. If you gonna get that big for no reason, it really makes me mad. If I am going to ask you why, you gotta have a reason: I am training for the Olympics, I am about to enter the strong man competition.

And if you that big and work for t-mobile. You strong as shit, but you can't handle the handset. Such a strong, unproductive man now, eh.

Adam Sandler is intimidated by Pretty Girls

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Adam Sandler - Girlfriends
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I like looking at the pretty girls, but I don't like to talk to them. They get me nervous. I get intimidated.

My friend came up to me, and says, "Look at her she is beautiful. Go ask her out. What the worst thing that can happen? She says no."

So i go over, and ask her out. She says, "Get away from me you loser."

I was like, "I think you broke the rules there."

I can't break off with a pretty girl. Every time I look in her eyes, and I can't finish it up. I am like, "The things are kind of weird, and we are too young. What I am saying is 'do you want to get married?' So what do you say?"

Russell Peters talks about Hong Kong Comedians

Hong Kong is a wicked place. I think Chinese people are the smartest people in the world. They are tricking us all. They pretend not to know English. I went to Hong Kong. They all speak English over there.

"Yo friend and I." If you and him want to come back too, that's fine. They are not dumb people. Don't be fooled.

They always have local comedians. I kept picturing a Chinese comedian. I get there. No Chinese comedian. I was upset. I was picturing a Chinese comedian opening the store.

"Hey, Hey. Excuse me. Your mother is so fat. When she jumps for joy, she got stuck. ok. okay. thank you."

But it never happened. Very upsetting.

Sarah Silverman talks about Jewish and Catholic

I am Jewish, but my boyfriend is Catholic. It was cute how he gave it to me. He said, "If it doesn't burn through my skin, it will protect me."

Different religion. Who cares. If you're having a baby, you gotta figure out how to raise the baby. Still won't be an issue for us because we'll be honest.

And we'll just say, "Mommy is one of the chosen people, and daddy believes that Jesus is magic." That's not nice.

Jesus is magic cause he turned water into wine. I think he made the statue of liberty disappear in the 80s.

Nick Swardson hangs out and impresses Grandma

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Nick Swardson - Hanging With Grandma
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That is the oldest thing I have ever heard.

"How old are you grandma?"

"90..."

"You don't even look like you are 90. You look like you're 80. Easily 80 years old."

Physically, she is weak. And it is cool to hang out with her because so am I. When I hang out with her, I feel strong.

"Nick, can you help me with this gallon of milk?"

"You mean, this gallon of milk right here!"

"Nick, you are the strongest boy in the world! Oh my Lord! You should fight crime. What are you doing here?!"

Doug Benson compares Pot Heads and Boring People

A young teenage girl is physically melting into the couch.

Another girl, next to her, says (in a monotone voice), "She smokes pot. This is how she is when she smokes pot." The girl, not smoking pot, is not the most sparkling personality in the world.

How much more of a loser do you have to be (to be more boring than the stoner), and have nothing better to do than watch the stoner melt into the coach? How about calling 911, or even 411?

"411? I have some interesting information."