Rita Rudner Talks About Men and Women Relationships, Marriage, and Having Children

She was so big. I could not keep the magazine closed. My old boyfriend used to look at those pictures. For hours, I said, "Do you think she is pretty?" He would say, "Noooo." I hook him up to a lie detector once, and he shorted out Chicago. He used to say, "I read playboy for the articles." Yeah, and I said, "Yes, I know. I go to department stores for the escalators."

I do love to shop. I admit it. I rationalize shop. I buy a dress because I need change for gum. One time I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I go, and I buy a new outfit. And it makes me feel better. It just does. In fact, sometimes when I see a really great outfit, I'll break with someone on purpose. Once I saw a great outfit, I was not dating anyone. So I went up, hug a stranger, slap him, and bought it.

Relationship, they don't last anymore. You know. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself, "Is this the man I want my children to spend the weekends with?"

My mom always trying to figure out new ways to keep excitement in their marriage. It's not easy. She took up belly dancing once. She just was not good at it. To appear like she was moving, my dad and I had to jiggle the furniture behind her.

My cousin just got married for totally, totally the wrong reason. She married a man for money. She was not really subtle about it either. Instead of her "fiance", she kept calling him her, "finance-EE".

Why are women wearing perfume that smells like flower to attract men? That is what I don't understand. Men don't like flowers. I have been wearing a great scent called "new car interior".

I just read men reach their sexual peak at 18. Did you know that? Women reach their sexual peak at 35. Did you get the feeling God is into practical jokes? We're reaching our sexual peaks right around the same time they discover they have a favorite chair.

I do think about having children because time is running out. I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.

My friends tell me story that scares me. One of my friends told me, she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours. Another friend of mine, she pregnant, and her husband wants to have natural child birth, but she doesn't, so he has been going to those classes by himself.

They are trying to put warning labels on liquor now that say, "Caution! Alcohol can be dangerous to pregnant women." Did you read that? I think that's ironic. If it was not for alcohol, most women will not even be that way.

My friends. They make such big deal over their children birthday party. It's so amazing. My friend just had a birthday surprise party. He's one. We all sneaked around the crib. We jumped, and yelled, "Surprise!" He was surprised. He's in therapy.

I had the worst birthday party ever, ever when I was child because my parents hired ponies to give rides. These ponies were never in good shape, but this one dropped dead. It just was not much fun after that. One kid would sit on it, and rest of us would drag him around in a circle.

I guess I'll go because I am in show business. I have so many exciting things to do now. I don't know. I'll go to sleep. I admit it. I love to go to sleep. It is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious. Once I went to sleep, and I dreamt I had insomnia. It was just a strangest night. I woke up, and thought, "now i can get some sleep."