Demetri Martin talks about Loving Kids, Throwing Bottles in The Ocean, and Being a Creep

I have certain request in order to do a benefit show. I said, "I'll do the show, but I need giant, gay icicles behind me, or I can't do it. I work well with giant, gay icicles." It worked out. They make me look cool, and a little less gay than the icicles themselves.

I heard this lady say, "I love kids." That's nice, but a little weird though. It's like saying, "I like people for a little while." How old are you? 14? F*** off. You can say, "I love kids," as a general statement. That's fine. It's when you get specific. That's when you get into trouble, "I love 12 years old."

I was on this street. I saw this guy wave to me. He came up to me, and said to me, "I am sorry. I thought you were someone else." I said, "I am."

Ever fight is a food fight when you are a cannibal.

If you want to sound like a creep, just add the word "ladies" at the end of things you say. You can say something harmless too like, "thanks for coming to the show, ladies." "Help! I've fallen in a trap. I need help, ladies."

I love the beach. I like to get there really early before anyone shows up. Take like 30 bottles with notes in 'em, and throw 'em in the water. Then, wait for everyone to come to the beach. When someone goes up to pick up one of the bottles, I'll go up right behind 'em. Cause when they open it, it says, "I'm standing right behind yah."