Sebastian Maniscalco talks about Whole Foods Weird Store Environment: Potion, Vile, and Massage Therapy

My wife like different things like shopping at different places. She likes whole foods. That’s her store. She sends me over there once in while. I can’t stand going there. She goes babe, “Can you go to Whole Foods…?”

I go, “Ah, I don’t want to go.”

The people over there bothers me. Have you ever gone to Whole Foods? Everybody at Whole Foods looks like they make their own clothes. Like this hemp clothing that comes in two colors: oatmeal and throw up. 

Everybody eating seeds.

It’s serious when they ask a question. They got to hold their heart.  They come up to the meat counter, “Is it organic? Is it farm to table? Do the chickens have friends? And do they play well with one another?”

It’s weird. In the middle of the store, it changes from fruits and vegetables to soaps and potions. Nobody knows what they are doing in this section. They just kind of end up in there, “Wow! I don’t recognize anything in here. I gotta get out of here.” 

There’s always a person walking around with a little vile, trying to find, “what is this do? What is this?” 

Some hippie that works there falls out of the shelves, “Ah that’s argan oil. That’s organ oil. It has multiple uses. You can drizzle a little bit on your salad. It helps with digestion. Also put some underneath your nose. It opens up your nasal way. And lastly if you have a rash on your butt hole, just pepper some in… just… absolutely. Preferably in the morning. It clears up by the afternoon. It’s 8000 dollars.”  

The store is weird. The problem is that everybody thinks that they are saving the planet, the big green movement, at Whole Foods. If you doing the green thing, gawd bless you. I tried. It’s just not for me. I got friends that brags about it: How green they are? You go to their house. They like, “look at the lightbulbs, in my kitchen, saving 53 percent on my electricity because I got green lightbulbs.”

I go, “Oh Yeah, I can’t see you. You are dim. You’re dim.”

Nah. Whole Foods make you feel bad. Have you gotten a bag? I ask for a bag. They are like, “Are you gonna take a … take a bag and destroy our planet?” 

“I don’t know. I got 93 items. What do you want me to do?”

It’s weird over there.  They got a masseuse. There is a masseuse prop up in the store. They are like… rubbing down on some guy’s skin. He doesn’t know where to look. He’s trying to figure out how the hell did I end up in Whole Foods, massaging people near the lavender chips.