Best stage comedians at their funniest with punchlines all typed out for your enjoyment to read from richard pryor to louis c.k. and upcoming comedians with Youtube videos (monologue script)
I know it's all warm out. Do you like the summer? You like the humidity when your ass is wet for 3 hours? Do you like that? Your ass is dripping? You need a diaper. Do you like that? Your underwear goes right up your ass. Does that feels good?
Don't hate it, waiting for the train, and it's 2000 degrees? Your underwear goes right up your ass, and your like, "darn it. And how do i guess this out of my butt. I'll just act like I'm looking for change. Where's that quarter I'm looking for?"
Pasadena: 138 degrees during the day, and 36 at night. A pimp don't know what to wear. I got some fur coat, swim trunks, and an umbrella because I don't know what may happen...
I am just hear to remind all minorities. Whatever is going on the world today. You got to be happy by whatever you got in life right now. That's my message because the world is crazy right now. What is gas? 600 dollars per gallon now?
You are not suppose to be at the gas station making life decision. With 10, 15 dollars, you can go to the gas station with confidence, and have time to bond with your vehicle: clean the dashboard, check your CDs, and go inside to buy some Pringles. Now the whole experience is ruined.
I live in hollywood now. I am finding everthing is real, and it ain't even real. I met DMX. The fool is 2 inches taller than me. I thought he was six feet, but he is my size. I said, "Fool, why are you hollering. We in a restaurant."
I just find out I can't be friends with Shaq. How can I congrats on his game. When he has thing on my forehead. I don't even like basketball.
Then you get rich friend. Martin Lawrence is my friend. He has a 36 million dollar house. You can do anything with a 36 million dollar house. He has everything: he got a theather, basketball court, a bouncy area.
Now I am in my house, feeling all ungrateful. Where am I going to watch a movie? On a TV?!
There are two type of weeds: rookie and professional. It's me and snoop and two brothers. These fool has sniff 4 blunts.
Relationships. Do you love them, or you hate them? I hate them.
Don't you hate it fellas when you get involve with somebody, and then you trip. You fall in love, but you don't anticipate doing. Don't you ever get jealous. Don't jealous make you do some silly stuff. The person ain't even with you, but you see somebody that you think she might like, "Look at this Mofo looking all good."
Where you get tired of each other. It's the same old thing. You say it's white, and I say it's black. And all you want to say is, "F-U."
Hallelujah! Sound like he broke two ribs. God is good. God is great. Reach in your pocket, and give me all you money please.
Jamie starts singing at the end of the youtube video.
That's how we became the brady bunch. Brady Bunch, and my love... long falsetto. Then break it down like Babyface. Or break it down like Luther Vandros. Some ad lib. Plus, what if it was Prince. High shrieking sound.
I think all that stuff: marriage and babies. Women, we are obsessed with romance. We are brainwashed by romantic movies. I recently saw these movies called Twilight. They are so romantic. Vampires in madly in love with this girl. I came out of the movie. I was like, "I have to marry a vampire!" It make us obsessed. Do not let your girlfriend watch this movie. She will leave your ass.
Boyfriend - "Baby what's wrong."
Girlfriend - "I don't know honey. I want to date somebody who can fly."
I just want to date a vampire. It would be totally bad ass. Don't make me go to the GNC and get some garlic. I'm thinking about putting the sunroof down.
Marriage is about growing old together. Marriage is about falling apart at the same time. That's what make it special. You live long enough (the two of you become one good person). You become one. One can see. One can hear. One can walk. One can use a hand. You need each other. You have to go to movie together. One listens. One watches. You become a team. One got a good right hip. One got a good left hip, so they can balance. They so cute together. No. They fall down. They need one another.
Once you've been somebody with so long, they just understand. If you have the same vision, you share glasses. You have glasses all over the house. I think it's behind the stove.
I always had 20/20 vision all my life. I can't see now. You know how I found out? I'm in the movie theater , and I was like, "Where's the focus at?" Usually people would join in with you, but they were like, "You might want to move down towards the front, Sinbad."
Now, I have this progressive glasses, so i can see far at the top and close at the bottom. People say I can drive with it. Oh no you can't. You gotta learn the sweet spot. You gotta find the sweet spot. You know how many time I stop at the stop sign, and it's where out there somewhere.
Anyone in here been in a long term relationship. By long term. I mean you're having sex same person twice a week with no comments. That's love, right? That's true love isn't? Where we can get to that stage?
I was in a long term relationship for a while. I was dating this Russian girl. Apparently, when Americans speak to people, where English is their second language, we have a tendency to be very condescending. We speak very slowly and condescendingly to them, right?
We used to get into fights all the time. I walk into the bathroom, and say, "Honey, you left the curling iron ON for 4 hours. That's hot. Tshhh. Tshhh. Cause fire."
She would say, "Don't talk to me like I'm idiot. You think cause I have blonde hair, big boobs, and an accent that makes me stupid."
I said, "No, I think because you have blonde hair, big boobs, and an accent that makes you tolerable."
I did not chicken out. You know what?! I don't need to take "first kiss" advice from some pirate who has not been single since the first week of college.
Ted, anyone who's single would tell you the same thing. Even the dumbest single person alive. And if you don't believe me, call him.
Hey loser, how's not playing laser tag cause playing laser tag is awesome.
Hey listen, I need your opinion on something.
Okay, meet me at the bar in 15 minutes, and SUIT UP!
So these guys think I chickened out. What do you think?
I can't believe you're still not wearing a suit.
She even didn't give me the signal.
What. She is going to bat her eyes in Morse code. Ted. Kiss me. No. You just kiss her.
Did Marshall give me the signal?
No! I didn't. I square.
At least tonight, I get to sleep, knowing Marshall and me will never gonna happen. You should have kissed her.
A week? That's a year in hot girl time. She will forget everything about you. Mark my words. You will never going to see that girl again.
I did this thing at the charity show for the Playboy Foundation. I don't know what their charity is. Thirteen year old boys who goes blind for reading a magazine. I don't know.
I go to this party. I don't fit in. I'm not very girlie. These girls are size double zero. I mean they are beautiful, but they are mean (because they are hungry).
I'm just a girl from the neighborhood. You know who's there? That Paris Hilton girl. Oh I'm proud of her. She's breaking down barriers. Proof you don't have to be poor to be white trash.
Somebody needs to say this stuff. You don't have to be perfect. What's going on woman. You can't be. This girl came up to me, "Uhm. Excuse me. Who did your boobs?"
I go, "God..."
She goes, "Where's his office?"
I go, "Jerusalem. Now get away from me. Don't you think I had that kind of money. I had my nose fix first. What's wrong with you."
It's just fun for me. I don't know what I was doing at the stupid party. I drank a little bit too much. When women get drunk, they have to announce it, "I'm drunk whooooo! Hi five. Hi five."
And in that second, every guys head goes, "whooof!" Ding, ding, ding. We got a winner. Cause for men it's like watching the Discovery Channel. They wait for the weak one to fall off of the heard.
You know who else is there at that stupid party? Donald Trump. His hair is so bad that it would be less distracting if we had a hairy midget to sit on his head.
I want to get this out of the way. I am a dummy. See that. That's my dummy face.
I give you an example. Every time I am in the library or a bookstore and I see the phrase nonfiction, I have to figure it out (in my head).
Let's be clear. I'm 30. I went to college. I finished.
I see nonfiction. I freeze like, "Nonfiction. Fiction. Not True. Nonfiction. Not non true. Double not truth. Not. Not open parentheses. Not true. Screw that. I'm reading Hustler. That's both at the same time, true and false."
I was fourteen years old, trying to sneak into the club. I used my sister's ID. The only problem was she was there too.
We would look real cute too. We would have on like these tight, black pants and really cute top. We got from the store that would be Forever 21, but back in the days it was Close Time... Judy's, or Miller's Outpost.
And we would smell good too because we would douse ourselves in exclamation... or sunflowers (real quick).
We had a system too. My sister would go first. Show the bouncer her ID. Then, pass it back (to the end of the line where i would be waiting).
We had a routine with our friends too. We'd be like okay, "So when I get to the front, start talking to me right away, so he won't get a good look at my face. For reals. Don't mess it up this time."
"Y'all what's up. Here is my ID."
"What?! I know, huh. Like I was all crazy. Try to tell us something. How stupid..."
Mr. President. Supreme Court Justices. Your Royal Highness. And Others.
I'm so proud to be here in Washington D.C. (which i have just recently learned is the Nation's Capital). And to receive this coveted Mark Twain Award, which is the only significant american award for comedy (except for money).
If in my comedy career, if I have made you laugh once, I have done my job. If I have made you laugh twice, then I am very proud. If I have made you laugh three times, then I am thrilled. If I have made you laugh four times, which is twice as many as two times, then I am ecstatic. If I have made you laugh five or possibly six times, but I feel like I am losing you, what better time than now to take amount and recount all the awards I have received.
In 1969, I won an Emmy for riding on the Smothers Brother Comedy Hour. Then again, in 2005... I won the Mark Twain Prize, but of course the Mark Twain Prize is very special to me (cause it is more recent).
I was first introduce to comedy at age of six. This began (what was known) as my dark period. It is hard to believe that my career is still growing strong. Especially, considering 3 years ago I passed away. I guess that's called momentum.
When I look at the list of people who've been given this award, it makes me very satisfied. When I look at the list of people who HAVE NOT given this award, it make me even more satisfied.
I want to thank all the performers here tonight who flew in and were so funny. I am so flattered that they shared their time and their brilliance and their talents. It must be hard to find a dozen people or so who have these kind of skill, and yet so disparate to be on television.
Great to be here. I mean really great to be here. I used to have a real job as a civil engineer. People begin to talk after your third bridge falls down. It may not just be the drinking anymore. Guilty. You got me.
You're not mechanically enough to be an engineer when you use a screwdriver, and you have to say, "lefty loosely; righty tighty."
Not good with computers. I remain not good. I had to call tech support guy to get a little help. He starts asking me questions, "What kind of operating system you got there?" Oh um.... Electricity, I think. I got to plug it in my wall.
I am trying to get tech savvy. Now, I have the hands free device for the cellphone. Now, that is a wonderful design. It has a speaker that fits right into my ear hole. The microphone extends about at the tip of my earlobe. "I'm having trouble hearing you Jeff." That's because the sounds comes out of the hole in front of my face, right here. Yeah, the vibration from the jawbone is a little indistinct sometimes. My apologies.
I tried calling information. It's not a person anymore. It's a computer, trying to figure out what I am trying to say. And that technology, not finished.
I lost my credit card. Machine, "What listing?" Jeff, "American Express." Machine, "The toll free number for America West Airline is..."
What if you need something important and you're in a hurry, "Suicide hotline." Machine, "The number for Susan Huntley is..." Jeff, "Susan you don't know me..."
It's easy to get down in this country. The pizza people are working against us. Cheese in a crust. Free brownies. That was an aggressive move. Now, they like us to dip it in ranch dressing too, "The pizza gets so dry!" I had two slices, and I got gout. It's a little rich.
We have to trust the people who handle our food. I am always nervous with those little home cooking restaurants that you see on the highway, "Ed's Kountry Kettle". Country with a "K". Ed, you've miss spelled country. Makes me think (you might forget to wash your hands, periodically). Makes me think (I might get E. Coli with a "K"). Maybe some Kountry Kramps.
And there is no excuse for that. In our store that we have right now, we have something called anti-bacteria soap. I thought that was understood as part of the contract with soap. What the hell I have been washing my hands with all this years? Bacteria neutral? Bacteria Friendly? I like a refund. I bought a lot of crap soap, and I am not happy. No, I do not have my receipts.
At least we have these wonderful medicine. You seem advertise on television all the time. How about the sleeping pill with the glowing, green butterfly comes into your room. Now, I need an anxiety pill. It is a rather terrifying, strange side effects to put on the list, "Don't let it land on me."
I like the people in the ads for the harpies medicine. They always seem to be kayaking. I am not an epidemiologist, but maybe we should take a look into these rental kayaks. We'll spray 'em out like we do with bowling shoes. But they are so active, "I am not letting this discomfort hold me down. I am going over the falls to end this discomfort."
