Thursday, January 28, 2010

Comedian Jeff Caldwell talks About Technology, Hygiene, and Medicine

Great to be here. I mean really great to be here. I used to have a real job as a civil engineer. People begin to talk after your third bridge falls down. It may not just be the drinking anymore. Guilty. You got me.

You're not mechanically enough to be an engineer when you use a screwdriver, and you have to say, "lefty loosely; righty tighty."

Not good with computers. I remain not good. I had to call tech support guy to get a little help. He starts asking me questions, "What kind of operating system you got there?" Oh um.... Electricity, I think. I got to plug it in my wall.

I am trying to get tech savvy. Now, I have the hands free device for the cellphone. Now, that is a wonderful design. It has a speaker that fits right into my ear hole. The microphone extends about at the tip of my earlobe. "I'm having trouble hearing you Jeff." That's because the sounds comes out of the hole in front of my face, right here. Yeah, the vibration from the jawbone is a little indistinct sometimes. My apologies.

I tried calling information. It's not a person anymore. It's a computer, trying to figure out what I am trying to say. And that technology, not finished.

I lost my credit card. Machine, "What listing?" Jeff, "American Express." Machine, "The toll free number for America West Airline is..."

What if you need something important and you're in a hurry, "Suicide hotline." Machine, "The number for Susan Huntley is..." Jeff, "Susan you don't know me..."

It's easy to get down in this country. The pizza people are working against us. Cheese in a crust. Free brownies. That was an aggressive move. Now, they like us to dip it in ranch dressing too, "The pizza gets so dry!" I had two slices, and I got gout. It's a little rich.

We have to trust the people who handle our food. I am always nervous with those little home cooking restaurants that you see on the highway, "Ed's Kountry Kettle". Country with a "K". Ed, you've miss spelled country. Makes me think (you might forget to wash your hands, periodically). Makes me think (I might get E. Coli with a "K"). Maybe some Kountry Kramps.

And there is no excuse for that. In our store that we have right now, we have something called anti-bacteria soap. I thought that was understood as part of the contract with soap. What the hell I have been washing my hands with all this years? Bacteria neutral? Bacteria Friendly? I like a refund. I bought a lot of crap soap, and I am not happy. No, I do not have my receipts.

At least we have these wonderful medicine. You seem advertise on television all the time. How about the sleeping pill with the glowing, green butterfly comes into your room. Now, I need an anxiety pill. It is a rather terrifying, strange side effects to put on the list, "Don't let it land on me."

I like the people in the ads for the harpies medicine. They always seem to be kayaking. I am not an epidemiologist, but maybe we should take a look into these rental kayaks. We'll spray 'em out like we do with bowling shoes. But they are so active, "I am not letting this discomfort hold me down. I am going over the falls to end this discomfort."

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