Dave Chappelle works at Burger King and Went to Jail twice

It feels good to do stand up again. Not that I don't like stand up. I just don't like microphones. I'm sick of talking in them. I mean. I used to work at Burger King for six years. I didn't work the mic. I worked the grill. A guy, named Steve, worked the mic. I thought it was a pain in the butt. Every time someone orders something, "Hi, how are you? Can I... Can I have a whopper with cheese?"

"Sure. Arrr... A Whopper with Cheese!"

You son of a beach. I'm right behind you. Just turn around and ask me for it, for a whopper.

You know Canada is nice. It's like a kinder and gentler America in a way. Even the police are nicer. I'm not saying they are nice. I don't know, but they just smile, at least. You know. I've been to jail before, twice -- not as a prisoner. One time was from childhood. I was suspended from school 23 times, during February. I wasn't bad though. I was just mischevious. I got hold of all my teacher's phone numbers. By the time, I thought it was funny. I was calling in death threats. I know that's bad man. My English teacher, Mr. Johnson, I called him up. He's all nice on the phone, "Hello, Johnson's Residence."

"Is this Mr. Johnson?"

"Yes it is. Who might this be?"

"You're a dead man Johnson."

"Who is this?"

"Shut up. Punk. You are going to die, unless you give Dave Chappelle good grades."

I don't know how he caught me. They put me on a program called Scared Straight. You ever heard of this? That is where they put bad kids like me in prison. And the prisoner start yelling at us with some scary stories. You know. Scare us into being good. And the other kids were scared. But I was not scared. I was having none of it, "Oh shut up convict. Like I'm going to take advice from you. You look like you are the right person that made all the right choices in life. You better wrap this up. I gotta be home by 3. What time you leaving?"

Another time I went to jail, it had nothing to do with me. I was bailing my friend out of jail, which is probably no big deal to you. But if you are black dude, you have to walk right into the belly of the beast. "The black dude wants to go to jail." I was scared. I had to look non-threatening. "Hey how are you? I'm here to bail out a friend of mine."

"Oh. Ok. While you are here, you do fit a description. If you just walk this way."

Discipline in Arab versus United States Teacher Described by Egyptian Clock Comedian

Wow. I am really nervous up her on stage. That is not actually pronounce my name. It's actually Arabdomeabdee Mohamdfalal Shelaman Abduhlla Ali. Ok. Now we are all a little nervous. And that's ok. It's fine. It's ok. That's fine. We relax. It's ok. I'll make sure we'll have a blast. Geez, everyone is so nervous around Arabs. I think it's the way we convey tone. Car salesman in Frankenstein, for instance, may say, "This one here mate. I'm not going to lie to you. It's a bit of a bomb." Put him in place someone from a scummy third world middle eastern country say Colbert. "Oh, oh. This one here is a bomb. You will have a blast."

I have this insight because I'm Egyptian actually. This means I'm African. I'm Arab. And everyone thinks I'm Indian. I'm the most discriminated against group in Australia all rolled into one easy to establish in a train package.

A few months ago, a girl jumped out of the third floor of their high school building in Egypt because she feared what her teacher would do to her for not doing her homework. I don't know about you guys, but when I didn't do my homework my teacher would come up to me and go, "Colin, have you done your homework?"

"Oh Gawd, I haven't." I put out my hand. "Oh gawd, ah ah. She is going to cut it off."

Then she goes, "That's it Colin. I'm going to put your name on the board."

"Sss...So."

"Ah, smart. Are we? Well, I'm going to put a tick next to your name."

Can you imagine if my parents implemented the same discipline? If i went home one day to my mom, and I said something horrible like, "Mama, I just talked to a girl."

"Oh my gawd. Abdella abdulla althalative. Mahanda valvalageesh. Sleeplavine. Moohadlava. Ali. I'm going to put your name... on the board. Eh hah. And if she is pregnant, I'm going to put a tick, next to your name."

Drew Lynch Struggles During Date Life Giving Out Numbers on Americas Got Talent Finals

So I'm currently not sexually active because I'm saving myself -- some money. I would never be a good parent because I don't have conviction in my voice. I'd be like, "I'm going to count to 3."

"Oh good, we have time."

Numbers are so hard for me. When I first met my girlfriend, by the time I gave her my phone number, it was our aniversary. It's a nightmare. I was like, "okay, it's 818." She was like, "Is that one 8 or two 8s?"

"No there's no two. It's just 818."

She was like, "888."

"Three 8s? What am I? Customer service? It's area code, 818."

She was like, "I got two 8s, two 1s, one 8."

"That's a zipcode. I'm not telling you where I'm living. Just take down my email. It's d."

She's like, "I got two Ds?"

I'm like, "Ah, you're Cs."

Demetri Martin describes a New Model Cigarettes that can Motivate Addicts to Quit

Smoking is a big problem. We can't get people to quit smoking. And warnings don't work. I think you got to change the cigarette. You know what I mean. If you change the shape of the cigarette, maybe that would do it. You get a cigarette that has like 2 balls hanging from... "This does not look as cool when it used to. I got to quit. This is ridiculous." Surgeon general warning: Cigarettes may contain tiny hairy balls.

When somebody commits a murder suicide, that is somebody not thinking through the afterlife. "Bam, you're dead. Bam, I'm dead. Oh, hey, f.... this is going to be awkward forever."

When there is somebody who is dead and someone does something that the person would not have liked, they say that person is spinning in their grave. But I don't understand why they say that. Why is spinning the corpse shows disapproval? That does not make any sense. I mean if we show disapproval, when we are alive, then that would make sense. "Man, I am so piss at you right now. You have no idea how mad I am."

"Awe crap. Demetri is spinning. Let's get out of here."

If I live below a tap dancer, I would put really powerful magnets on the ceiling. "What's that? We aren't tapping anymore. Are we? More of a tap stander we got up there. Oh now we are moving, through the window. Oh, there we go."

Bill Burr loves Ebola and hates First Lady President Michelle Obama, and Hillary Clinton is like Tom Brady's Wife

Alright, how are you? How is it going? Thank you for coming out in the wonderful evening. I just got back from southeast Asia. I did some stand up over there. Really cool people. Wonderful people unbelievable poverty and stuff. I almost fall off the stage. It makes it hard to complain though. You know. You see that level of poverty. Come back, and your throat is all itchy and stuff. Probably got Ebola. You know. It would be a good thing to bring that here. You know. Just to thin out the traffic a little bit. Why don't ever let it burn through one time? Why do always have to jump on it?

Do you ever have one of those selfish thoughts? When a bunch of people that died, no one you knew or loved, right? And then the next day you tear right through the tunnel, 5 evening, right? The only thing you have to suppress is the guilt of not missing those people that you didn't know, right? I should not make fun of Ebola. I don't know anything about it. Other than that you get it, you have the unbelievable urge to go to the airport, alright. Yeah, I don't know what it is? Nobody get's Ebola, and has the decency to walk out into the woods by themselves, and just bleed out like a gentlemen, right? For some reason, you got to go right down to the airport, "Oh, can I downgrade to the middle seat. Blah. blah."

So I am sick of Obama's wife. Yeah. This isn't some republican rant either. It's just the first lady in general. You know. I don't know what it is. All throughout of my life, which each presidency, like these first ladies. They got more and more like chatty. You know. More and more chiming in. Like leaning into the frame, spitting out there ideas. It's like why are you talking? Right? You weren't even elected. Shut-up. Your husband is not running a lemonade stand, here. He is running the country. You just don't chime in.

Let me guess. It's considered sexist. It is? Why? OK. Let me ask you this. Let say you have a leak in your house. OK. You call the plumber up. He shows up, and he goes, "Yeah, the leaks coming from the upstairs bathroom. We got to shut off the valve." All of a sudden his wife walks in, who isn't a plumber. And she goes, "Yeah, I think it actually coming from the outside." What you be like, "With all due respect, shut the fuck up. I need a plumber in this moment."

I'll extend an olive branch here. At some point, there is going to be the first female president. Alright. Exactly. Which means at that moment, you are going to have the first male first lady, right? And when that happens, that dude needs to shut his trap. I don't want to hear a word out of him. I want to hear from the president. You sir, do some first lady stuff, alright. Go get yourself some gloves that goes up to your elbows. Smile and nod during speeches. Go put your own flares. Decorating the white house. Alright. Which leads you to Michelle Obama. Right? Now she is sitting there, holding out those hashtags, "Bring back our girls." Remember that. That blew my mind. Why are you showing me that? I'm a stand up comedian. Like what am I going to do to get those girls back? Won't you just look across the dinner table. You see that guy? That is the leader of the free world. Tell him to pick up the phone. Call some navy seals, and solve it. What am I going to do? Show up with a sharpen mic stand? "Oh, Michelle said to bring her back." Oh it's unreal.

I will tell you what kills me. Hilary Clinton might run. She might run. I don't know how she became a senator. She went from being the president's wife to senator. Just like that -- lateral movement. That's like Tom Brady wife becomes next quarterback for the rams. It's like what? You hanging out. You just pick it up. "I sucked at sports. Then I bang Tom Brady, and I don't know what happen. I just picked up a ball. I started lacing it. I'm leading receivers. It was incredible." I knew it is going to be like this.

You know what's funny. Some people think that a woman being president is a good idea. You know. Do you believe that? See that. They do. "That would do something. That would change things." How? How is that ever going to change things? Do you know how much a president makes a year? A president makes 400 grand a year. That's it. They are trying to keep billionaires in line. 400 grand a year. He makes less than people blogging on the internet. President should have F U money. right? He shouldn't be sitting with his pocket turns inside out, "I need your help. Give me a job." What you guys? Donate to the campaign? Is that what it is?