Best stage comedians at their funniest with punchlines all typed out for your enjoyment to read from richard pryor to louis c.k. and upcoming comedians with Youtube videos (monologue script)
Do you guys remember, the game show, Who wants to be a Millionaire? No? Well, it's a game show, where they ask a series of questions until you win a million dollars. You get 3 life lines to achieve that goal.
Anyhow, the contestant was 1 question away from a million dollars. The question was, "Which bird does not build it's own nest?"
A. Hummingbird
B. Blue Jay
C. Kuckoo
Or D. Dodo Bird
The contestant said, "I am clueless. I'm feeling not confident and a tad bit overwhelmed. I'm going to use my last life line, and use my phone a friend. I will call up my buddy in Ireland."
The host, "Okay then. Let's call him up."
He explained the question to his friend in Ireland, and his friend said, "Dat's Fookin Easy. It's C, C kuckoo. I'm Fookin Sure it's C."
The contestant said, "Ok, buddy. I trust you. C is my answer."
The host, "Ok then. Let's lock in C, Kuckoo." Long pregnant pause, "You know what? You got yourself a million dollars." The crowd went crazy. Balloons and confetti everywhere, flying across the whole stage. To celebrate, the contestant flew all the way to Ireland to thank his friend. "Thank you buddy, but how in the world did you know C, Kuckoo, was the only bird that did not build it's own nest."
His buddy replied back, "Because it Foookin Lives in a Clock."
It's amazing how different shit is now. And it hasn't been this way for a long time. It has been a very short time. Everybody has a phone in their pocket. Just a few years ago nobody had their phone. It was just the pone. It was this thing, the phone. That was n a room in your house, and then dial this freaking thing, the rotor. And you had to turn it. [rrrrrrr....]. You had to pay people with zero with their number.
This dude has a zero and nine. How bad do i want to talk to that piece of shit. It's too much work.
Now we have this, which is amazing. You have these phone that you can call in a air strike. You can look at the top of your own head. It's amazing this shit and wasted on the shitiest piece of asshole. I square to gawd. We are the worst people. Because we have this beautiful thing, and we hate it. We are just, "duh nuh." I have never seen a person going, "Look what my phone can do..." Nobody does that. They all go, "Fu**ing thing grrrrr. sucks....I can't get it to..."
Give it a second. Would yeah? Could you give it a second. It's going to space. Can you give it a second? From space. Is this speed of light too slow for you? You noncontributing product sponge cunt. Can you just wait?!?! Can you just wait? And just take a little breathe. Just wait for the picture of axle rose to get on your phone. Like it doesn't f***in matter what you are doing. We are all so mad, "I hate my phone. It sucks."
No it doesn't. It's amazing. The shitiest cellphone in the world is a miracle. Your life sucks around the phone. Why are you so mad at it. People say the craziest thing, "I hate verizon." What are you talking about? How can that feeling exist? "I hate verizon." Why? Did they fire you and take away your pension? "No just a couple of times it went weird for a second. I hate them!"
Hate Verizon? Then make your own then. You go make one. Make your own network. Get some hubcaps and climb some trees. See how close yours to perfect. Why would it be perfect? It is as good as it is. Why do we expect it to be freaking perfect all the freaking time. We are not contributing. We are not helping it to be perfect. We don't even know what it is that's being involved. You have any idea what is involved taking your time that you said that no one ever needs to hear ever.
When you text, "hey what's up dude?" And an invisible magic angel takes it. Gawd damn it. When did you send me that text? If I sent you a month ago, it's amazing. I'm 41. I'm still amaze about this shit in my life. I was in a plane once about a month ago. They had high speed wireless internet on the plane. They had never done that before. They explained it to us that we are the first aircraft. I open my laptop, and I'm online. I'm looking at youtube and shit while we are flying. Then it broke down. The woman says, "I'm sorry we have to fix the internet, so it's down for the rest of the flight.
You didn't even know it existed 30 seconds ago. People on the plane are the worst. People on the plane complain.
I have lots of friends. I want a black friend. Everybody on TV has a black friend. And their black friend always says funny stuff. I would love my black friend. We would go ice skating. And I would braid his hair. And my black friend would say something funny like, "Hey black friend. Pass the salt." And he would be like, "Slavery days are over boy." And then we would laugh. And high five, and celebrate our differences.
Besides that's not much of a dance floor. It's more of a STD mosh pit.
Was. Was a princess. Now she has 5 pairs of underwear, and hasn't done laundry in 8 days.
Boner Blocker.
No jalapenos. I know. That's the devil's garnish.
It's just a panic attack. It's his first orgasm. The paramedics said he will be just fine. I think that's what they said. It's pretty hard to hear behind the laughter.
I went bowling, I don’t mean to brag. Really there are 2 types of people that go bowling. There are people that really really love bowling. And there are people that are like, "Wouldn't it be hysterical if we went bowling."
For most of us, bowling is an activity you do after you've done everything else. It's like, "Well, we could go bowling or we could just hang ourselves. Why don’t we go bowling?" No one is ever jealous when they hear you went bowling, "Oh you went bowling, glad I couldn't make it."
Bowling’s great, you gotta love a sport you can eat while you play it. You never see that in tennis, "Hey before you serve lemme dig into these nachos." It’s a different sport, there is an ash tray built into the bowling equipment. Poker doesn't even have that. And that hand dryer thing. If you are sweating while you are bowling, you’re out of shape. If you’re out of shape and you’re bowling, you're probably a professional bowler.
Nothing really healthy about bowling. It has to be the germ-a-phoebes nightmare, "Here, put on these moist shoes 10,000 people wore. And stick your fingers in these dirty holes. Now you have the flu." How dirty are those holes. It’s not like those balls wear out. They probably haven’t manufactured a bowling ball in a 1,000 years. Someone is out there using Fred Flintstones right now. That is preposterous.
I don’t own a bowling ball cause I’m not a weirdo, "Yeah I want to volunteer to carry around a 50 pound ball. Can you put it in a big ugly purse? That’s how I want to meet the ladies. Couldn't help but notice you staring at my purse. It’s filled with a big blue ball. Mind if I follow you around the parking lot. I’ll just be humming…hmmmm…ball in the bag. That’s the worst song ever."
I always have to pick out my bowling ball. I can never find the right one. I’m like, "This one is too heavy. This one is good, but it’s pink. My fingers don’t fit." How do they decide on those finger sizes, they are either for a 5 year old girl or the incredible hulk. How big are some people’s fingers. Some guy wearing a catchers mitt, "Yeah it’s good. I can still catch the game don’t worry about it." Those bowling shoes, no update there, "You need our special shoes before you can roll our magic ball."
Some people have their own bowling ball, and their own bowling shoes, and no friends. "That’s mean." I can say that cause I like bowling. I watch bowling on TV cause I use my time wisely. I saw this college team championship. Each team had their own coach. What kind of strategy advice is a bowling coach giving, "You know what, this time Timmy, I want you to knock down all the pins. You sure? Trust me. Just do it son!" "That’s weird."
Bowling seems silly, yet we all take it very seriously right? Til you get that first gutter ball. We're like, "Let me show you how it’s done, hahaha." This is a stupid sport. There is few moments in life as humiliating as that gutter ball. The worst part is then you have to make that turn back to your friends, "That ball is broken. It’s tilted down there."
You never want to be the worst bowler of the group because then everyone treats you like you have cancer, "You can do it! We’re praying for you." The advice starts, "use a heavier ball, keep your arm straight, you should get a vasectomy."
If you are really bad at bowling like me they’ll ask if want the bumpers up. Not that bowling is that complex anyway, "You want the bumpers? We can get rid of the pins. Why don’t you take this coloring book and sit in the corner."
But I like bowling, it’s perfect for the lazy man. No other sport has a machine that rolls the ball back to you at arm level, "Alright, I’ll keep playing. Is there any way I can do this in a chair or something."
And if you're gonna drink and you are thinking about driving, don't do it. You know, it's not a good idea cause like i said. You know when you are drunk when you're doing laps in the parking lot, and you can't find the exit. Hello!
Some of you make it out to the streets. You know when you're drunk, you're like you know (car driving over rumble strips)... Behind you, you hear...(honking)
"Shut up stupid!"
You know, if you hear... If you hear the magical sound... (siren). One of two things will pop into your head. Either one... "I'm okay. I'm fine. I can beat this." Or two...(wailing siren). "I'm gonna go to jail. I'm gonna go to jail. I'm gonna be...Tell the kids I love them, bye." (car driving over rumble strips).
I'm gonna tell you right now, again. If you can make the police laugh, you have a chance. If you do get pulled over for drunk driving, okay, pull over as slowly and as safely as you can. Get over to the, you know... (rumble strips and brake screeching).
Now, if you know for a fact that you are going to go to jail, okay, you're already, "I'm gone." Have a little fun. I don't mean take off in a high speed pursuit.. No, no, don't do that, cause you're not gonna get very far. I mean, if you're drunk and you know you're gonna go to jail, you know, you have tinted windows, have a little fun.
Take off your seat belt, jump over to the passenger side, throw your seatbelt on. And wait for the cop. YOu have no idea how bad you're gonna throw his ass off, you guys. He's gonna come over to the drivers side with a flashlight. You're sitting there just... "He was here a second ago. I don't know where he went. What me drive? Oh, hell no, i'm fucked up."
Skydiving was definitely the scariest think I have ever done. Let me ask this question regards to the skydiving. What is the point of the helmet in the skydiving. I mean... can you kinda make it?
You jump out of that plane that shoot open. The helmet is now wearing you for protection. Later on the helmet is talking, going "It's a good thing he was there or else I would hit the ground directly. Never jump out of the plane unless you got a human being strap underneath you. That's the basic of safety."
There's many thing that we can point to as proof that human beings are not smart. The helmet is my personal favorite. The fact that we had to invent the helmet. Now why did we invent the helmet. Well because we were participating many activities that were cracking our heads. We look at the situation. We choose not to avoid these activities.
But Just to make little plastic hats, so we can continue our head cracking life style. The only thing dummer than the helmet is the helmet law. The point is protect the brain that is functioning so poorly. It's not even trying to stop the cracking of head that it is in.
At least the helmet is functioning clothing. I really appreciate that. Clothing for me for the most part is a tremendous pain in the ass. If you think the amount of time, mental effort, physical energy that goes into your clothes, picking and buying them. I don't think I can wear that. The button is dirty. I think we should all wear the same exact clothes. Because it seems to happen eventually anyway.
Anytime you see a movie or tv show. There's people from the future or another planet. They are all wearing the same outfit. I think the decision is made, "Alright everybody from now on we all wearing the vsuit, gray suit. we want to visit other planet. We look like a team here. Individuality is over."
