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Thursday, January 31, 2013
Jim Gaffigan Goes Bowling Ball for a Lazy Sweaty Cause Called Out of Shape
I went bowling, I don’t mean to brag. Really there are 2 types of people that go bowling. There are people that really really love bowling. And there are people that are like, "Wouldn't it be hysterical if we went bowling."
For most of us, bowling is an activity you do after you've done everything else. It's like, "Well, we could go bowling or we could just hang ourselves. Why don’t we go bowling?" No one is ever jealous when they hear you went bowling, "Oh you went bowling, glad I couldn't make it."
Bowling’s great, you gotta love a sport you can eat while you play it. You never see that in tennis, "Hey before you serve lemme dig into these nachos." It’s a different sport, there is an ash tray built into the bowling equipment. Poker doesn't even have that. And that hand dryer thing. If you are sweating while you are bowling, you’re out of shape. If you’re out of shape and you’re bowling, you're probably a professional bowler.
Nothing really healthy about bowling. It has to be the germ-a-phoebes nightmare, "Here, put on these moist shoes 10,000 people wore. And stick your fingers in these dirty holes. Now you have the flu." How dirty are those holes. It’s not like those balls wear out. They probably haven’t manufactured a bowling ball in a 1,000 years. Someone is out there using Fred Flintstones right now. That is preposterous.
I don’t own a bowling ball cause I’m not a weirdo, "Yeah I want to volunteer to carry around a 50 pound ball. Can you put it in a big ugly purse? That’s how I want to meet the ladies. Couldn't help but notice you staring at my purse. It’s filled with a big blue ball. Mind if I follow you around the parking lot. I’ll just be humming…hmmmm…ball in the bag. That’s the worst song ever."
I always have to pick out my bowling ball. I can never find the right one. I’m like, "This one is too heavy. This one is good, but it’s pink. My fingers don’t fit." How do they decide on those finger sizes, they are either for a 5 year old girl or the incredible hulk. How big are some people’s fingers. Some guy wearing a catchers mitt, "Yeah it’s good. I can still catch the game don’t worry about it." Those bowling shoes, no update there, "You need our special shoes before you can roll our magic ball."
Some people have their own bowling ball, and their own bowling shoes, and no friends. "That’s mean." I can say that cause I like bowling. I watch bowling on TV cause I use my time wisely. I saw this college team championship. Each team had their own coach. What kind of strategy advice is a bowling coach giving, "You know what, this time Timmy, I want you to knock down all the pins. You sure? Trust me. Just do it son!" "That’s weird."
Bowling seems silly, yet we all take it very seriously right? Til you get that first gutter ball. We're like, "Let me show you how it’s done, hahaha." This is a stupid sport. There is few moments in life as humiliating as that gutter ball. The worst part is then you have to make that turn back to your friends, "That ball is broken. It’s tilted down there."
You never want to be the worst bowler of the group because then everyone treats you like you have cancer, "You can do it! We’re praying for you." The advice starts, "use a heavier ball, keep your arm straight, you should get a vasectomy."
If you are really bad at bowling like me they’ll ask if want the bumpers up. Not that bowling is that complex anyway, "You want the bumpers? We can get rid of the pins. Why don’t you take this coloring book and sit in the corner."
But I like bowling, it’s perfect for the lazy man. No other sport has a machine that rolls the ball back to you at arm level, "Alright, I’ll keep playing. Is there any way I can do this in a chair or something."