Little Johnny Joke Married to Grandma

One day Little Jonnie says to his father: I want to get married.

Father: Oh, so do you have someone special in your mind?

Johnny: Yes...Grandma

Father: What? There is a problem now; you want to marry my Mother? 

Johnny: Why not? You married my mother

Louis CK describes tits in his breast way he can on How and Why the addiction

We love women a lot -- all men do. And we just look at you. I just look at women, "urrr," like there's cake behind the window, "urrr."

I was walking in New York once, and there's this two cute little women walking behind me. And I was trying to walk slowly, so I can hear what they were saying to each other. You know. Because they were cute. So I wanted to hear them. That would help me in anyway.

 "Don't you wish the guy in front of us would squeeze our tits for one second."

 "Okay."

 We have a flaw in all men that we would do that. If you were a woman, you can ask any guy on planet earth, "Can you squeeze my tits for one second?" And one hundred percent of us would go, "Oh yes of course." That doesn't matter. I can do open heart surgery, "Yeah, ok." He is not your tits don't worry about him.

 I don't know why we love tits so much. Some people say because we breast feed, but so do women. Well, you know -- Baby women, grown up women don't usually... You don't see a 68 year woman like... Weaver like sucking milk, on a young woman's tits, "Thank you Debra. I will see you tomorrow." It's not the usual thing.

 The elderly breast feeding a young, except for the end of the grapes of wrath. I didn't mean to ruin the ending for you, but you should have been reading it by now. If you read the grapes of wrath, that's how it ends. A old, dying man sucking on a young lady's tits. And then the book is over. And you're like, "omg what happen." There's no book in that genre. A dense, classic book that ends with one line of pornographic language.

 Have you ever been in a crowded area, and you have to squeeze in, and you elbow touches a tit. I be like, "I just touched a tit. I know i did because the male's elbow is very sensitive." You can drive a nail in it, and I will not be able to feel it. But a tit, through a shirt, a sweater, and a jacket, and her shirt, a sweater, and a jacket, and a bra, "it's a tit. I know it. It's rare to touch one tit. It's like a 4 leaf clover. The only time you were able to touch one tit is when it was by accident. Everything in moderation.

Bobby Lee Best Animated Asian Comedian What Ethnicity Are You

Where's all the white people? I love white people so much. I am tired of the details about their ethnicity, nationality. I don't give a crap what you are. People that get into details, "I'm half German, quarter Irish, part Navajo Indian."

You are freaking white. Just say white.

Imagine a girl today, "I'm half Chinese, and half Mexican."

Then you're Filipino. Just say Filipino.

White people say racist stuff accidentally. That's gotta stop. I had this photo-shoot for this Harlem kumar movie. The photographer is white. He kept saying, "Bobby, can we get some expression in your eyes."

I'm like, "What the crap is this? There is only two thing it does open and close. This is happy, angry, and all that crap. Take the picture before I close them."

I just get nervous when race is brought up. I'm American citizen you know. I'm at a starbux. This really happened. This old man came up to me. He goes, "Are you Korean?"

I got scared. I was like, "yeahhh."

And he goes, "I fought in the Korean War."

What does he want me to say? Thank you? Cool? What came out of my mouth was, "Me too."

Then he got mad, "What!!!!!"

Then I start to improvise, "That's my name, Me Too."

KT Tatara is Asian Enough because he is Half Japanese and White

I did not have a lot of Asian friends growing up. Then I move out here in California. There's alot more Asians. There's a whole Asian thing going on out here. Sometimes they get mad at me for not being Asian enough. Like one time, I was at the mall, and I was trying to flirt with this Asian girl there. I was like, "Hey, yeah, what kind of Asian are you?"

Yup, Yup. That's how you do it.

And she goes, "uh, actually, I'm Chinese, Vietnamese, and Filipino."

I was like , "Whow, you got three parents?! Hell yah." You know. Just a silly joke, right? Well, she didn't get it.

She was like, "what? No, I have to dumb butt."

Like she was that hot. You know what I mean. She's like I-don't-get-jokes hot. Like everything. So i was like, "nah, no. I was making a joke.

Then this Asian dude comes over, "what's a problem, bro. what's the problem, bro. You messing with her? what's the problem, bro? Stop bothering her bro. What's the problem bro."

I just started laughing. Because look. Asian guy I'm sorry. It's like, you know. It's not threatening when Asian dudes are angry. It just looks like you just smelled a bad fart. "What's up bro? you got a problem bro? You bothering her bro?"

I was like, "what the. nah man. I just made a joke. She didn't get it. Be cool man. Look man. You Asian. I'm Asian. Why won't we be cool?"

"Puh, you think you Asian dawg? You ain't even asian man. Look at you all acting white. You ain't even Asian dawg. You are white wash. I bet you are one of those half breeds dawg. You just white wash. You think you asian? You ain't even asian dawg. You just acting white." I was like, "uhm... you sound black."

If we are going to play the stereo type game. What the hell is that. He calling me white wash, and he is working at the diesel store. I'm sure you dad is very proud that you are selling belts at the mall.

I'm not disowning my Asian self. I'm mix. I'm half white, and half Japanese. I'm a little bit of both. I want to learn about my Asian side, so I went to japan about a year and half ago. It was cool man. I really like to learn some stuff about japan. Going as an adult I had a different perspective. I figured out why they are so smart with all the technology and electronic stuff because they are good listeners. It's all it is. If you listen to the conversation, it doesn't matter what people are saying. They are always very focus. Like, "oooooooooo." It makes me feel good.

Little Johnny Jokes -- How many apples did he eat for breakfast?

At school one morning the teacher asked little Johnny what he had for breakfast.

 Little Johnny said, "Well, on my way to school I come cross this Apple tree, so I climbed up there and started eating apples." "I guess I eat about six," said little Johnny.

"No," said the teacher, "it's ate!"

 Little Johnny said "Well it could've been eight, I don't remember."