How to find the right Lady

Thank you Amanda for pushing that buzzer. Ever since you did that, my life has been bonkers. People are approaching me on the road saying, “well done.” But the most common question I get is, “You from where? Is it Mali, Mau..”

It’s Malaui.  If anybody don’t know where that is, it’s where McDonna adopted all the babies from. That’s us. Yeah, you’re jealous. I do miss my little brother. And Angelina took my sister. 

I have been in the UK for a while. I’ve been tricked into moving here. I was tricked because I was watching television. And I saw an angry guy came on television, and said, “Ah, these immigrants are taking all the good jobs, all the good women.” I was like, “Wow, that is what I am looking for.” 

But I know sometimes comedy… it’s hard laugh sometimes because the news is full of depressing stuff.  But I think the thing is, it’s misleading because amazing things happen everyday: Little act of kindness. But they don’t report it. They put it on page 10. They open to the doom and gloom. 

If the BBC was the mate of yours, you never go over. “Look, I’m not going to that depressing BBQ. I”m going to hangout with Cartoon Network.” 

But it is an amazing time to be alive. People say stuff like, “ohh. I miss the good old days.”  

The good old days were terrible. We got amazing stuff. We got wifi. Yeah, we got rights. We can vote. Yeah. I’m black. 200 years ago, this would have been an auction. 

We have come a long way. That’s all I am saying. But even with the doom and gloom. The malarian press is a lot worse than the press here. I can tell you. Like I did the first comedy show in  Malarie, which is an accomplishment cause I’m the only stand up comedian. And I called the local press, and I said, “send the reporter. “

They say, “Wha… Why don’t you write the review yourself? You give some money. I would say we wrote it.”

I was disgusted by the total lack of integrity in the Malarian press.  But wow that was the best review I have ever got. 7 stars!!!! He is a genius. The African Joe McEntire. 

It’s crazy amongst television right now because my ex always felt I wasn’t ambitious enough. She was like, “You are a comedian. Come on. Be more ambitious.”

I said, “Hey, I’m happy. “

She said, “You are not happy.” 

I said, “I think I’m happy.” 

She said, “No. Be more ambitious. I did not sign up for somebody who is going nowhere.” 

I snapped. I told her, “Look.  If you knew I was ambitious the day we met. Out of all the women in the bar, I approached you.”

Yeah, you are laughing. I”m single now.  I am looking for love. I admit it. I’m looking for love. I gotta get that citizenship. 

But it’s hard to date on a budget. I remember the day when the women made a lot more money than me, which is not a problem. We are in the 21st century.. But I was ashamed. 

I remember the Waiter came up, assuming that I was going to pay. Put the bill in front of me. I had to go, “hey, I’ll get the next one.”

I felt pathetic, watching her pay. I wanted so badly to be part of the transaction, so I just took the change.

I don’t understand the British. I see a beautiful British women looking at the mirror upset. I said “What’s going on.”

She said, “CAn’t you see. It’s a fat mirror.”

I said, “What you mean. The mirror is the fat mirror.”

She said, “This mirror makes me look fat than I really am.”

I said, “wow. I think my eyes have the same problem.”

I was not mocking her. Don’t be angry at me. It was a cultural misunderstanding. I”m from Africa. It’s different. When we see someone overweight, we don’t think go on a diet. We were like, “where did you get the food.“

I think I gotta follow her home.