Jim Gaffigan Goes Bowling Ball for a Lazy Sweaty Cause Called Out of Shape

I went bowling, I don’t mean to brag. Really there are 2 types of people that go bowling. There are people that really really love bowling. And there are  people that are like, "Wouldn't it be hysterical if we went bowling."

For most of us, bowling is an activity you do after you've done everything else.  It's like, "Well, we could go bowling or we could just hang ourselves. Why don’t we go bowling?" No one is ever jealous when they hear you went bowling, "Oh you went bowling, glad I couldn't make it."

Bowling’s great, you gotta love a sport you can eat while you play it. You never see that in tennis, "Hey before you serve lemme dig into these nachos."  It’s a different sport, there is an ash tray built into the bowling equipment. Poker doesn't even have that. And that hand dryer thing. If you are sweating while you are bowling, you’re out of shape. If you’re out of shape and you’re bowling, you're probably a professional bowler.

Nothing really healthy about bowling. It has to be the germ-a-phoebes nightmare, "Here, put on these moist shoes 10,000 people wore. And stick your fingers in these dirty holes. Now you have the flu." How dirty are those holes. It’s not like those balls wear out. They probably haven’t manufactured a bowling ball in a 1,000 years. Someone is out there using Fred Flintstones right now. That is preposterous.

I don’t own a bowling ball cause I’m not a weirdo, "Yeah I want to volunteer to carry around a 50 pound ball. Can you put it in a big ugly purse? That’s how I want to meet the ladies. Couldn't help but notice you staring at my purse. It’s filled with a big blue ball. Mind if I follow you around the parking lot. I’ll just be humming…hmmmm…ball in the bag. That’s the worst song ever."

I always have to pick out my bowling ball. I can never find the right one. I’m like, "This one is too heavy. This one is good, but it’s pink.  My fingers don’t fit."  How do they decide on those finger sizes, they are either for a 5 year old girl or the incredible hulk. How big are some people’s fingers. Some guy wearing a catchers mitt, "Yeah it’s good. I can still catch the game don’t worry about it." Those bowling shoes, no update there, "You need our special shoes before you can roll our magic ball."

Some people have their own bowling ball, and their own bowling shoes, and no friends. "That’s mean." I can say that cause I like bowling. I watch bowling on TV cause I use my time wisely. I saw this college team championship. Each team had their own coach. What kind of strategy advice is a bowling coach giving, "You know what, this time Timmy, I want you to knock down all the pins. You sure? Trust me. Just do it son!"  "That’s weird."

Bowling seems silly, yet we all take it very seriously right? Til you get that first gutter ball. We're like, "Let me show you how it’s done, hahaha." This is a stupid sport. There is few moments in life as humiliating as that gutter ball. The worst part is then you have to make that turn back to your friends, "That ball is broken. It’s tilted down there."

You never want to be the worst bowler of the group because then everyone treats you like you have cancer, "You can do it! We’re praying for you." The advice starts, "use a heavier ball, keep your arm straight, you should get a vasectomy."

If you are really bad at bowling like me they’ll ask if want the bumpers up. Not that bowling is that complex anyway, "You want the bumpers? We can get rid of the pins. Why don’t you take this coloring book and sit in the corner."

But I like bowling, it’s perfect for the lazy man. No other sport has a machine that rolls the ball back to you at arm level, "Alright, I’ll keep playing. Is there any way I can do this in a chair or something."

Gabriel Iglesias Pulling a Prank on the Cop by Switching Seats

And if you're gonna drink and you are thinking about driving, don't do it. You know, it's not a good idea cause like i said.  You know when you are drunk when you're doing laps in the parking lot, and you can't find the exit. Hello!

Some of you make it out to the streets. You know when you're drunk, you're like you know (car driving over rumble strips)... Behind you, you hear...(honking)

"Shut up stupid!"

You know, if you hear... If you hear the magical sound... (siren). One of two things will pop into your head. Either one... "I'm okay. I'm fine. I can beat this." Or two...(wailing siren). "I'm gonna go to jail. I'm gonna go to jail. I'm gonna be...Tell the kids I love them, bye." (car driving over rumble strips).

I'm gonna tell you right now, again. If you can make the police laugh, you have a chance. If you do get pulled over for drunk driving, okay, pull over as slowly and as safely as you can. Get over to the, you know... (rumble strips and brake screeching).

Now, if you know for a fact that you are going to go to jail, okay, you're already, "I'm gone." Have a little fun. I don't mean take off in a high speed pursuit.. No, no, don't do that, cause you're not gonna get very far. I mean, if you're drunk and you know you're gonna go to jail, you know, you have tinted windows, have a little fun.

Take off your seat belt, jump over to the passenger side, throw your seatbelt on. And wait for the cop. YOu have no idea how bad you're gonna throw his ass off, you guys. He's gonna come over to the drivers side with a flashlight. You're sitting there just... "He was here a second ago. I don't know where he went. What me drive? Oh, hell no, i'm fucked up."

Jerry Seinfeld talks about skydiving and the future of style and clothing Alien suit

Skydiving was definitely the scariest think I have ever done. Let me ask this question regards to the skydiving. What is the point of the helmet in the skydiving. I mean... can you kinda make it?

You jump out of that plane that shoot open. The helmet is now wearing you for protection. Later on the helmet is talking, going "It's a good thing he was there or else I would hit the ground directly. Never jump out of the plane unless you got a human being strap underneath you. That's the basic of safety."

There's many thing that we can point to as proof that human beings are not smart. The helmet is my personal favorite. The fact that we had to invent the helmet. Now why did we invent the helmet. Well because we were participating many activities that were cracking our heads. We look at the situation. We choose not to avoid these activities.

But Just to make little plastic hats, so we can continue our head cracking life style. The only thing dummer than the helmet is the helmet law. The point is protect the brain that is functioning so poorly. It's not even trying to stop the cracking of head that it is in.

At least the helmet is functioning clothing. I really appreciate that. Clothing for me for the most part is a tremendous pain in the ass. If you think the amount of time, mental effort, physical energy that goes into your clothes, picking and buying them. I don't think I can wear that. The button is dirty. I think we should all wear the same exact clothes. Because it seems to happen eventually anyway.

Anytime you see a movie or tv show. There's people from the future or another planet. They are all wearing the same outfit. I think the decision is made, "Alright everybody from now on we all wearing the vsuit, gray suit. we want to visit other planet. We look like a team here. Individuality is over."