Margaret Cho Talks about Looking Good and Nuclear Weapons

I get a lot of pedicure and manicure, which i never did before. I just want to take care of my body (in that very shallow way). I went to this place in Pittsburgh to get a manicure. It's called Paris Nail, so I called, "hello?"

Paris Nail: "Hello, Welcome to PARIS NAIL!"
Cho: "Ooooo. Bonjour."

I think they are gonna figure out that you are not from Paris.

Paris Nail: "Welcome to PARIS NAIL! You pick color! YOU PICK COLOR!"

You know Koreans. We are pretty sneaky ass people, "What do you mean? We don't have any nuclear weapon. What are you talking about? We don't have nuclear weapons."

But if you keep on asking, they will get mad, "We WILL USE THEM ON YOU! We WILL USE THEM ON YOUUUUU (if we had them. if. if we had them)!

Demetri Martin talks about Loving Kids, Throwing Bottles in The Ocean, and Being a Creep

I have certain request in order to do a benefit show. I said, "I'll do the show, but I need giant, gay icicles behind me, or I can't do it. I work well with giant, gay icicles." It worked out. They make me look cool, and a little less gay than the icicles themselves.

I heard this lady say, "I love kids." That's nice, but a little weird though. It's like saying, "I like people for a little while." How old are you? 14? F*** off. You can say, "I love kids," as a general statement. That's fine. It's when you get specific. That's when you get into trouble, "I love 12 years old."

I was on this street. I saw this guy wave to me. He came up to me, and said to me, "I am sorry. I thought you were someone else." I said, "I am."

Ever fight is a food fight when you are a cannibal.

If you want to sound like a creep, just add the word "ladies" at the end of things you say. You can say something harmless too like, "thanks for coming to the show, ladies." "Help! I've fallen in a trap. I need help, ladies."

I love the beach. I like to get there really early before anyone shows up. Take like 30 bottles with notes in 'em, and throw 'em in the water. Then, wait for everyone to come to the beach. When someone goes up to pick up one of the bottles, I'll go up right behind 'em. Cause when they open it, it says, "I'm standing right behind yah."

John Mulaney on Donald Trump's Plan to Strike It Rich

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It's tough to know what to do with your money these days. A few days ago, the Dow Jones dropped another 240 points. And I can't tell you how frustrating it is to not know what that means. It's embarrassing.

I did see an advertisement where you can learn to get rich from Donald Trump. He would teach you how to get rich. He would know. He is a rich man. He is not just a rich man. Donald Trump is what a Hobo imagines what a rich man to be. He was walking in the ally one day, and heard this.

Hobo - "Oh boy oh boy, as soon as my numbers come in, I am going to put tall buildings with my name on em. I'll have fine, golden hair, and a tv show where I fire people with my children."

Donald Trump was like, "That is how I'm going to live my life. Thank you hobo for the life plan."