Russel Peter talks about Indian Accents

I'm going to let out a secret about indian people. Indian people are fully aware of how our accent sound like. We don't need you...

We know what it exactly sound like.

We know we don't have the coolest accent in the world.

"Hey man, aren't we cool. We are going to meet all the biatches today. I'm pimpin."

It's an accent. We're not death.

"Hey Jim, you hear that guy? He's looking for pain... ha ha ha."

Indian accent is good for cutting tension. Picture a court room drama.

"You honor. My client would like to plead guilty."

Canadian white people, you have an accent. I don't know if you are aware of it, sir. You might be a rich Canadian person, but you are a minority.

They can't control their head. "Geezes Christ... Can you get a load of the jugs of that one?"

White folks have accent also. I can prove to you. When you square, you sound like donkeys.

"Fuuuuu....you.... Buuuuulll...shiiiiii...."

Bobby Lee talks about Korean and Asian Life

I grow my hair like this. I just want to get this out of the way. Asian people look alike, and I want to look a little different. But asian people don't know I'm asian now. They walk up to me like, "what the heck are you?! Let me take picture. It's an Ewok!"

I'm posing.

I think the worst thing about being asian american in this country is when people guess my nationality. I hate that. I'm Korean. I'll tell you, but don't guess.

I was at the party once, and this blonde walks up to, "are you like chinese? are you like chinese?"

And I said no, "are you like brunette? Get out of here."

And stupid guesses too, "Hey man are you so.."

And white people are the worst cause when they guess my nationality correctly. It's like they won a game show. "Hey man are you Korean?"

"yes I am."

"i knew it. i knew it!!!"

"what the hell? you want some money?"

You gotta be proud of you are folks.

Eddie Izzard on Computers, Macs, and iTunes

Very sexy computer, Apple Macintosh Computers. In the old days, porn would take forever to download. You remember that. Friends tell me. Friends who can spell porn.

But now a days. Would you like a software update. Yeah. Yeah. I have one of those. It's like a late thing.

Time becomes a weird thing. 7 minutes to download. 5 minutes to download. 2 minutes to download. Then 9 minutes to download. 7 hours to download. light year to download.

Then it starts asking you question. Will you sign a new agreement with itunes. I sign many agreements with itune. I don't know what they want from any more. Surely they know i agree with them. I'm there. Why do they keep checking? Like I am going away. No I no longer agree. We all agree.

Then they makes us liars. You said you read the terms and condition. No one read the terms and condition. Even the lawyers.

Then you have to reboot thing. Everybody out of the car. Then everybody back in the car.

Kevin Hart talks about 2 kids being like clowns

Lot of shit is going on with my life right now. Just had another baby, 2 babies. They both mine, and I can't say shit about it either. Two kids. Two car seats. That's depressing right there. Have you ever try talking to a girl in your car? It won't happen. It's depressing.

"Come here babe."

"what's that in the back of your car?"

"Hey, look at me. Let's focus on the positive, and less on the negative. I'm trying to talk to you about serious stuff now."

Kids man. Kids change your life. I know I am getting older cause of the kids. I start to fuss alot. I don't know what I'm mad about. You wake up mad. Wake up angry.

"Hey. Here's the biz."

I just yell at my son just because.

"Hold your head still son."

That shit is so embarrassing.

I get mad. So mad. That you want to fight your kid. Kids are ass holes. My daughter is an asshole. She is. She argues about everything.

I knew what she was saying by her head moving.

I'm really protective with my baby now. We got a little altercation. My daughter thought it was a game. Throw the ball back.

My family looks bad as a unit. We look like clowns. Now we have to wear solid colors, so we can look like a team. Solid colors.