Louis CK - Big Complaints about Cell Phones And Flying

It's amazing how different shit is now. And it hasn't been this way for a long time. It has been a very short time. Everybody has a phone in their pocket. Just a few years ago nobody had their phone. It was just the pone. It was this thing, the phone. That was n a room in your house, and then dial this freaking thing, the rotor. And you had to turn it. [rrrrrrr....]. You had to pay people with zero with their number.

This dude has a zero and nine. How bad do i want to talk to that piece of shit. It's too much work.

Now we have this, which is amazing. You have these phone that you can call in a air strike. You can look at the top of your own head. It's amazing this shit and wasted on the shitiest piece of asshole. I square to gawd. We are the worst people. Because we have this beautiful thing, and we hate it. We are just, "duh nuh." I have never seen a person going, "Look what my phone can do..." Nobody does that. They all go, "Fu**ing thing grrrrr. sucks....I can't get it to..."

Give it a second. Would yeah? Could you give it a second. It's going to space. Can you give it a second? From space. Is this speed of light too slow for you? You noncontributing product sponge cunt. Can you just wait?!?! Can you just wait? And just take a little breathe. Just wait for the picture of axle rose to get on your phone. Like it doesn't f***in matter what you are doing. We are all so mad, "I hate my phone. It sucks."

No it doesn't. It's amazing. The shitiest cellphone in the world is a miracle. Your life sucks around the phone. Why are you so mad at it. People say the craziest thing, "I hate verizon." What are you talking about? How can that feeling exist? "I hate verizon." Why? Did they fire you and take away your pension? "No just a couple of times it went weird for a second. I hate them!"

Hate Verizon? Then make your own then. You go make one. Make your own network. Get some hubcaps and climb some trees. See how close yours to perfect. Why would it be perfect? It is as good as it is. Why do we expect it to be freaking perfect all the freaking time. We are not contributing. We are not helping it to be perfect.  We don't even know what it is that's being involved. You have any idea what is involved taking your time that you said that no one ever needs to hear ever.

When you text, "hey what's up dude?" And an invisible magic angel takes it. Gawd damn it. When did you send me that text? If I sent you a month ago, it's amazing. I'm 41. I'm still amaze about this shit in my life. I was in a plane once about a month ago. They had high speed wireless internet on the plane. They had never done that before. They explained it to us that we are the first aircraft. I open my laptop, and I'm online. I'm looking at youtube and shit while we are flying. Then it broke down. The woman says, "I'm sorry we have to fix the internet, so it's down for the rest of the flight.

You didn't even know it existed 30 seconds ago. People on the plane are the worst. People on the plane complain.

Mitch Fatel wants a Black Friend to celebrate our diferences

I have lots of friends. I want a black friend. Everybody on TV has a black friend. And their black friend always says  funny stuff. I would love my black friend. We would go ice skating. And I would braid his hair. And my black friend would say something funny like, "Hey black friend. Pass the salt." And he would be like, "Slavery days are over boy." And then we would laugh. And high five, and celebrate our differences.

2 Broke Girls - Push Pop Gag Reflex Hansel and Gretel

That wasn't a push pop Andy; I was happy to see you.

You didn't destroy anything. It's a good to let him know right off the bat that you have a gag reflex.

I think you are missing out because you 2 are perfect for each other. You're like Hansel and Gretel.

They were brother and sister.

2 Broke Girls - Cheap and Unrefined And the 1st Orgasm

Besides that's not much of a dance floor. It's more of a STD mosh pit.

Was. Was a princess. Now she has 5 pairs of underwear, and hasn't done laundry in 8 days.

Boner Blocker.

No jalapenos. I know. That's the devil's garnish.

It's just a panic attack. It's his first orgasm. The paramedics  said he will be just fine. I think that's what they said. It's pretty hard to hear behind the laughter.

2 broke girls - Is it hot or cold in here Cause I'm about to Yak

If I learn anything as a child, when a stranger offers you candy, you say, "yes."

Look at all the candies inside this space. It's like we are in willy wonka's colon.

Small store. I can hear you.

Gum drops, gummy bears, gummy worms, gummy pizza. Oooo. I just had a gummy gasm.

Is it hot and cold in here.

Relax, it's your lady parts waking up from hibernation.