Really Really 2 BAD words of all time by Elon Gold

My nine year old boy -- He came home recently and he... It was the cutest story, 100% true story. He came home, and he said, "Daddy, I learned two really bad words."

"Ok son, let's hear them. What are they."

He's all, "No, no. They are so bad that I can't even say them. I'm just going to spell them."

I was like, "Alright, fug it. Spell them." I should have not said that. But I figured that was one of the words, and then we have that covered. And move on, but it wasn't. It was worse. It was worse. I was like, "Ok, spell it."

And he goes, "K..." I'm going through the list.

Elon Gold makes Languages sound Funny with Russian French and Japanese Accent

Accents to me are so strange. But languages are even weirder. Like the Russian accent, it's kind of weird. The Russian language -- Oh my gawd. Have you ever hear anyone speak Russian? It's like, "Knee-vah-shnush-vee-nee-reed-eeem-nighee-sheeeed-sneeet-veeet-boo-boo-snheed." It's like, "Are you talking backwards? Russian language literally sounds like English, played in reverse -- with somebody pressing pause and unpause every 3 seconds. Like, "veed-chdreem-zeet-nreed-moosh-need-waaz-shneed."

Japanese -- They say Japanese is you know... It's a nice language. Is it? I don't know. Every time I walk into a sushi restaurant, they start yelling at me, "Arigatou gozaimashita!!" That's not a nice language. That's the noise my blender makes when i put something in it that I shouldn't of, "arigatou gozaimashita!!" Oh I left my spoon in there. That's the problem. I knew there was something weird.

And they say french is a beautiful, romantic language. No, it isn't. Whenever I hear two french people talk, it's sound like they are just mocking each other. Like, "Nha frank, frank. Wee. Wee. Poo. Poo. Blee. Blee. Blah."

Mitch Hedberg famous Yogurt, Bigfoot, Pringles, Turkey, and Wait list Party of 3 bit

Some Canadian television exposure, finally. I gotta find out when this airs, so when I come into this country, I'll be ready for the adulations. I have been to David Letterman show twice. Anybody see me? Hey I be damn. Like 4 million watching that show, and I don't know where the hell they are. That's my favorite introduction that I ever had. "You might heard of this next comedian on the david letterman show, but I believe more people have seen me at the store." And that would be a better introduction. "You might have seen this next comedian at the store." And people would say, "Hell yes I have."

I opened a yogurt. And underneath the lid, it says, "please try again." They were having a contest that I was unaware of. But I thought I might have opened the yogurt wrong. Or Yo-plait was trying to inspire me, "Come on Mitch, Don't give up. Please try again. A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait. Fruit on the bottom. Hope on top."

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to too.

I like to play black jack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle. My friend is a blackjack dealer. And on his forearm, he has a tattoo of an ace and a jack. You see. I'm a blackjack player. On my forearm, I'm gonna get a tattoo of a 10 and a 2. And maybe later a king.

I think Bigfoot is blurry. That's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me because there's a large out of focus monster, roaming in the country side.

One time this guy handed me a picture, and said, "Here is a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger. Ain't it about time someone said that.

I think pringles initial attention was to make tennis balls. But on the day the ball was suppose to show up, a big truck load of potatoes arrived. And pringles said, "What the hell. Cut them up."

I think a roaster is a really morbid Ferris wheel for chickens. It's a very scary piece of machinery. We will take the chicken and paint it and rotate it. And I'll be damn if I am not hungry. Because spinning chicken caucuses makes my mouth water.

If you go to the grocery store and you stand in front of the lunch meat section for too long, you start to get pissed off at turkeys. You see like turkey ham, turkey pastrami, turkey bologna. Some one needs to tell the turkeys, "Man, just be yourself." I already like you little brother. You don't need to emulate like the other animals. You got your own thing going.

I had a apartment in Los Angeles, and I had a neighbor. whenever he knocked on my wall, I knew he wanted me to turn my music down. That made me angry cause I love loud music. So I knock on his wall to mess with his head. I would say, "Go around. I cannot open the wall. I don't know if you have door knob on the other side, but over here there's nothing."

I like Kitkat unless I am four or more people.

When I wear t shirts, I can only wear v necks because my neck is very fragile. I cannot wear regular neck shirts. It hurts. And I especially hate turtle necks. Wearing a turtle neck -- it's like being strangled by a really weak guy -- all damn day. If you wear a turtle neck and a backpack, it's like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

You know restaurants over the weekends get busy, so they start a waiting list. They start calling out names. They say like, "Dufran party of 2. Table ready for Dufran party of 2." And if no one answers, they would say the name again, "Dufran party of 2." But if no one answers, they go on to the next name, "Bush party of 3." Yeah, but what happened to Dufran? No one seems to care. Who can eat like a time like this? People are missing. You people are selfish. Dufran is in someones trunk right now with duck-tape over thier mouth, and they are hungry. That's a triple whammy. We need help. Bush search party of 3. You can eat once you find the Dufran.

Jeff Allen's 20th Wedding Anniversary Spent in Hawaii with No Clue about Entertainment and Activities

My wife is here tonight. By the way, we are celebrating our 20th anniversary last July. Thank you. I knew it was the special anniversary, and I messed up the previous 19. I am not going to mess this one. I went to her about a month out. I asked her, "Where do you like to celebrate? I know this is going to be special." I was thinking restaurant. She almost hit me in the head with a brochures. She said, "Hawaii." You know. I would be happy staying home as long as near you buttercup. She goes, "You want to get near me. Get on the plane. I'm going to Hawaii."

It's the first time in 10 years my wife and I get away from home without children. And you parents know after 10 years... By the second day in Hawaii, we had no idea how to entertain ourselves. It was the most pathetic display of human behavior that I have ever witnessed. Two losers standing in a hotel lobby. "What do you want to do?"

"I don't know. What do you want to do?"

"I don't know."

"You want to eat."

"Yeah, we can eat. That be good."

"What you want Mexican?"

"I don't know. Can we get Mexican in Hawaii?"

On the third day, we just did thing that came natural to us. We went to the beach, and started yelling at people's kid. "Yeah, leave your little sister alone. Never mind who are we."

"We are the losers of beach patrol of Tennessee."

Donald Glover talks about Kids that are Sugar Addicts and Crave Cocoa puffs Vs Kix Vs Cheerios

Kids love sugar. My brother, Steven, loves sugar. He loves sugar. We were not allowed to have any sugary cereal as a kid. We weren't. We weren't allowed to have any sugary cereal as a kid. My mom would like get... We would only allowed to have to types of cereals. It was cheerios and kix. And cheerios is like cardboard doo doo. And kix is like the handjob of all cereals. It's like a little sweet. It's the hand-job of cereals cause it's like, "this is pretty good, but you really know what I really want." So like we would always go to the store. My brother was like, "I really want co co puffs. I really want cocoa puffs. Can we get cocoa puffs?" My mom would be like, "No. No. No. No, we are not getting coco puffs. No sugar. No. No. No."

And then one day my brother snapped. He just snapped. He's like, "Mom, everyone is eating it." My mom goes and grabs and goes, "Fine!" Throws it in the cart, and walks away. Me and my brother was like, "What?! It was that easy?"

So we go home, and we be skipping around like, "Yes. Yes. We are going to get coco puffs. This is so awesome. Yes. Yes. This is going to be so great. We are going to tell everyone at school that we had coco puffs."

And she... My mom was a Tupperware woman. And my mom goes over to the cabinet. And does the most devious thing that I have ever seen anyone do. She takes a big Tupperware container meant for cereal -- One of those big things you pour in and stuff. Opens it up. Takes a quarter of the coco puffs -- Just like the top, quarter. Pours it in there like, "blah blah." Then take a big box of kix, and pours like the whole thing on top of it. Shakes it up, so like the ratio was like 13,000 kix to 1 coco puffs. It's like spots of brown. It looks like a Kanye concert. That's what it was -- a Kanye concert. She takes the box, and slides it across table. And she was like, "there you go."

And my brother was like, "boo hoo." And he continues to pour some into the bowl, "You witch. How could you ruin this to me?" My brother was crying, and he still ate it. That's how much kids love sugar. That's how much my brother love sugar. He was an addict. He could have been, "F this. I don't need this." But he was like, "I still want it. I still want it..." It's like... If you love pizza, "Hey, you like pizza? There you go." You are not going to be like, "Oh you A hole." Don't eat the pizza. Don't eat it.

Donald Glover Hates Kids and Rather Have AIDS over baby Babies thank you Condoms

Kids are awful. You don't know. You don't know. Do you know the testament of how awful the kids are? I was walking down the street in LA. Just walking down the street from my favorite restaurant with a bag full of food. And it's right across the street from school. I saw two kids fighting over a basketball. I was walking by. And one of them goes, "Gawd dang." And pulls it, and the other one goes, "that's why your mom is on a freakin wheelchair."

And I drop my shit, and I was like, "Wha wha!! What!!! You can say that?! You can say that word in that order?! And you don't explode?!" Like the people police don't go, "This person is a demon. I don't know how. I don't know how he got out." That is the most awful thing in the world. Nobody in this room can get away with that.

If ou went to work tomorrow, and he goes, "hey man, David has been a real jerk."

"Yeah, I know. what's doing on?"

"I don't know, but... that's why his mom is on a freakin wheelchair. Alright, I'll see you later. I see you basketball later."

"No. No basketball later. I'm not playing with a monster."

I'm tired of Hitlers.

Seriously that's why I wear condoms. I'm not going to have a baby. I'm not ready to have a baby. I know a lot of people would be just say, "I wear condoms cause I don't want to get AIDS." But I gotta be honest. I'm sorry. I'd rather much have AIDS than a baby. Sorry AIDS beats baby by this much. Seriously, people get all upset when they hear about it. Think about it. They are not that different. They are not that different at all. They are both expensive. You'll have them for the rest of your life. They are constant reminder of the mistake you made. And once you have them, you can pretty much only date people who have them. What's the difference. What's the difference. The only difference is you can't go to jail by accidentally dropping AIDS. So AIDS win by this much.

I'm serious. At least people, when you have AIDS, people are aware and they want to help and feel sorry for you. People want to help you out, and make other people aware when you have AIDS. People don't give a shit when you have kids. No ones like, "Yeah man, I'm living with kids. I have been kids positive for about 5 years now. I lost many of my friends from the 80s from kids. It's just... We are doing a kids walk tomorrow. Ugh. I'm sorry. One of my kids cough on my face. I have to leave." No one cares.

Henry Cho talks about How to handle Talkative Women in his Knoxville Tennessee Accent

Thank you very much. You guys are too kind. My name is Henry Cho. I'm full blooded Korean. I was born and raised in Knoxville, Tenseness. I don't speak Korean though cause they didn't offer it in high school. I took spanish.

I did go to Korea though one time. 25 years ago, I went with my dad. It's weird because Korean people walk up to and start talking to me. I don't know what to do. I'm like, "How are you all doing? Get away from me." I did go with my dad. This is where you are going to follow me on this. Back in Knoxville, we are the only Asian people. My dad is the only Asian man that I have ever seen in my life before I went to Korea. So I can pick my dad at any crowd like that. This reverse on me in Korea. We got in the plane. Then he walked 20 feet away. And I just lost him, "Ahhhh." I found him like an hour later. "Dad, don't you ever leave me man. They're talking to me."

The only traveling I do now, across the world, is mission trips -- 3rd world countries. You know. I was India. The weirdest thing that they don't got there, show curtains. Unbelievable. No show curtains. Same kind of bathroom. No shower curtains. The water goes everywhere. So I start thinking, "Wow. the movie, psycho, will not work here." There be no, "whff." There be, "what are you doing here man. Close the door. It's cold."

One thing I noticed in 3rd world countries that they all have in common is lack of food. We have so much food in this country. It's unbelievable. We have the food network. We have eating competition. We have so much food that we develop allergies to food. Doesn't happen in 3rd world. I guarantee you. There is no one in Honduras that is lactose intolerant. Not one kid that was given a sandwich, in a little village in India, not one kid went, "Uh, does that have peanut butter?" No peanut butter by the way.

My wife is going to Haiti soon. My wife is awesome. We have been married for 13 years. 13 years of marriage is great. I'm in show biz. That's like a 112. My wife is great. My wife is like most wives. My wife can find anything. The other day, my oldest boy lost his DS in my truck. He and I go looking for it. My truck is not dirty. It's not in there. I came in like, "Honey, not in there." She was like, "Well, let me go look." I'm like, "Go look." No, she was outside when I said that. So she is back in 30 seconds, "It was like right there." I'm like, "Man." She walks off. And my boy looks at me, and goes, "How she do that?" I'm like, "Well, she is a witch. Have you ever seen your mom float. Witches can't float. Your mom is a witch."

It's like mom can find anything except for her own cellphone. My wife loses her cellphone like 20 times a day. She has two phones so she can find the other phone. Luckily she is on her own 5 circle of friends, so it's cheaper. I thought with all the cellphones that she'll be done with talking now, but she don't. You know. Women have to talk. This is scientific fact. I'm not being sexist. Women use more words than men. It's not like 12 more. It's like thousands more. If they don't get it out, they build like rollover minutes. And we pay the penalty. If my wife finds out that I don't care about 95% of the stuff like our house, I don't care about my house, our lives would be so much smoother.

Other day I was watching the ball game. She just paused it. She goes, "Henry, do you like these curtains?" I said, "Yes."

"What do you like about them?"

"No."

One of those would get you out, right?

Bill Burr Disses Steve Jobs as Hero because Apple Tech Garbage Pollutes into the Ocean with Sea Life

Actually nerd Jesus died last year, right? - Steve jobs. Yeah, he died, right? I know. I know. Lot of nerds are here tonight. I know. You are sad. I didn't get it. I didn't get the big deal made about that guy. When he died, they're like, "He changed the world." That's insane. "He changed the world! The world was one way! And then Steve Jobs came, and it was another!" What did he do? Somebody, for the love of god. What the freak did that guy do? What he do? He told other people what to invent. "I want my entire music collection in that phone. Get on it!" Right? Then these poor nameless faces scientists gotta go into the back room, and figure it out. "How the freak we are going to get all of this into this? I mean. What year is this guy think it is? This guy is crazy. This is like Buck Rogers. Dude, my kid has a birthday like in 11 months."

Steve Jobs just walking by, "I don't want to hear any thinking going on in there." He be strutting around the office, eating some pretentious fruit like a pear, right? Just throwing out ideas. "I have another one. Here's another one I just came up with on the way to work. I was reading a magazine the other day, turning pages. You know. I like to turn pages on the screen that aren't even there. Yeah, wrap your freaking head on that one guys. See you in 8 years. Where are going Michael - big, little, big little. Get on it."

Right? Then all these people slave away to make his vision come true, and then they have the big nerd fest, right --down there in comic con. Then all the nerd mecca -- they are all showing their acne and their hulk shirts, limping in the arena, right? Does Steve jobs go out in a whole chorus line of scientists? Naw, he goes out there by himself -- sneakers with no belt like it's no biggie. Like he's Tesla, tapping in the atmosphere.

I know. This is always uncomfortable. I know. You bought into it, right. That whole advertising. How they align themselves with the greatest people of all time. Jesus, Gandhi, me. Remember that? Mohammad Ali, John Lennon, this guys... How the freak was that dude like any of them? Gandhi didn't have a sweatshop. Nah, he didn't have people leaping to there deaths only to get... catch a net and get ricochet back to the window to have to put together yet another iPad. John Lennon didn't have children in his basement, pressing those freaking albums.

I know. I know. New phone can't fit the old charger. This is your hero? This is the guy? This is what all the silence is all about. New phone can't fit the old charger, so you gots to throw it out. It ends up in the ocean around some octopus's neck. Do you realize how much sea life is ecstatic that that man no longer walking the earth.

That's where it all ends up. You know. It doesn't go to landfill. It all goes into the ocean. Do you guys realize that? I hate people say that they don't pollute. "I don't pollute." Yeah, you do. You use shit, and you throw it out. What? Do you think you put it in the basket it poofs, disappear? Everything you ever use goes somewhere. Do you ever think about that? Remember that flannel shirt that you bought back in the day when you got into Pearl Jam? That is out there somewhere. Probably on some corpse's face, trying to get it off. Stupid little flippers.

All the fads. Do you remember rollerblading? Remember that? Everybody had them. We set up cones. We did little tricks, right? What little homophobic joke killed that entire fad. What's the hardest thing about rollerblading? "Uhm... telling your parents that you're gay." Full grown adults going, "I'm not gay. I don't have the cuties. These mean I suck dick." So they just threw them out. They end up in the ocean. They made out of plastic. They can't biodegrade. They just break down into little cubes. Fishes are breathing them in. 6 months later, you going out for sushi. You thinking you being healthy. You're eating your own roller-blades.

Jim Gaffigan Loves McDonald's Fries Big Mac and admitting His Obsession

I reference McDonalds a lot cause I go to McDonalds. I love the silence that follows that statement -- like I just admitted to subordinate dog fighting or something, "How could you? McDonalds?" It's fun telling people you go to McDonalds. They're always give you that look like, "Ah Oh. I didn't know I was better than you?" No one admits going to McDonalds. They sold six billion hamburgers a day. There's only 300 million on this country. It's like, "Hmm... I'm not a calculus teacher, but I think everyones lying." Have you ever been to McDonalds, and you see a friend for a second? You're like, "Oh crap." Eventually you are like, "Hey, Hey, What's going on?" They're like, "I'm just here for the 99 cents ATM. What are you doing here Jim?"

"I'm just meeting a hooker. Certainly not eating here. That's for sure. Yeah, she should be here by now."

Cause we all should know better by now, right? We all read the articles, seeing those documentaries. It's the same message, "Look McDonalds is really bad for you. It's really high in fat and calories." And we don't even know where the meat comes from. And we're like, "That's disgusting. I'll have a big mac, a large fry, and 2 gallon drum of coke." Because there's a McDonalds denial. We all embrace it. No ones going in there innocent. We are walking in a red and yellow building with a giant M over it. "What is this? A library? Well, I'll get some fries while I'm here." Because those McDonalds fries are truely amazing, right? Have your mother made anything good as a McDonalds fries? Not even close. We lie to ourselves when we eat at McDonalds. We like, "It's so thin. It couldn't be that fattening." Have you ever eatten too many McDonalds fries? Of course not. There's never enough of them. There's always that moment when you're eating McDonalds fries that you were like, "What happened? Where they go? Then you go scrouging for the fry crumbs. You're like,"Hmmm... oh that's just a piece of paper from a straw. But it was touching the fry so..." Sometimes there's a loose fry in the bag. You know -- the bonus fry? It's like Jesus up in heaven, "Give him an extra fry. He'll pay if forward."

By the way, that's how Jesus sound -- or at least I hope. You don't want to meet Jesus, and he's like, "Hey, yah, how you doing? You been turning the other cheeks. I gave you the bonus fry for a reason."

The bonus fry is always extra long, and you're like, "How did i miss you? Bonus fry, you get your own ketchup packet." You always savour the last fry. I'm going to turn this into 10 bites, "Oh I meet you up later. I'm going to eat this bonus fry." These fries are amazing -- for what, 7 minutes? Then they turn into something like not biodegradable.

Have you ever made a mistake reheating McDonald's fry in the microwave? They become packing peanuts. It doesn't stop you from eating. You're like, "These are not even good anymore. How is yours? Yours aren't good either."

Fries can't get cold. Shakes can't get warm. Have you ever leave McDonald's shake out for an hour? Reality sets in, "This is not even made from milk. It's just some kind of chocolate mucus." But we all know this. We know McDonald's commercial aren't realistic. I would like to see one commercial that shows people 5 minutes after they ate McDonald's, "Ugh... Now I need a cigarette. I deserve a cigarette break today." But they get us in there, you know.

Some of those deals they offer are just cruel -- 2 big macs for 2 bucks. I drive by, "Well, I don't wanna lose money on this. I'll get 80 of them." I know some of you are like, "Sorry white trash guy, I don't eat McDonald's." I have friends that brag about not going to McDonald's, "Oh, I would never go to McDonald's." Well, McDonald's would not want you because you're a dick. I'm tired of people acting like they are better than McDonald's. It's like you never set foot in McDonald's, but you have your own McDonald's. Maybe instead of buying a big mac, you read US Weekly. Hey, that's still McDonald's. It's just served up a little different. Maybe your McDonald's just telling yourself that Starbucks frappe-late is not a milkshake. Or maybe you watch Glee. It's all McDonald's. McDonald's of the soul. Momentary pleasure followed by incredible eventually leading to cancer. Oh, I'm loving it. We all have our own. We all have our own McDonalds. It may take me a while digest my quarter pounder with cheese, but that tramp stamp is forever. Do Do Do Do Do. Mistake.

Really, it's all McDonald's out there, right? How can we all name 3 different people that dated Jenifer Aniston. It's McDonald's. And we gobble it up like McDonald's fries like, "Who is she dating now. I know I shouldn't but so salty. Is she pregnant yet? It's not even my business. Johanson got a haircut? Why do I give a shit?" Because it's McDonald's. And it feels good going down. By they way if you care who prince William married, that's burger king. That's not even our gossip.

I just love this societal outrage of McDonald's, "McDonald's has no nutritional value. It has no vitamins." McDonald's is like, "Excuse me, we sell burgers and fries. We never said we are a farmer's market. Heck, our spokesperson is a petefile clown from the 70s. What do you want from us america? But I always raised from McDonald's, and I turned out... well, that's not the best reasoning. McDonald's has given us so much. We wouldn't know when breakfast ends if there was no McDonald's. I'll be eating eggs at 5pm like a moron. Thank you McDonald's. How are we suppose to know Saint Patrick's day without the shamrock shake. Thank you McDonald's. Without McDonald's, how would I communicate to the world that I give up. Cause if you are over the age of 10 and you are eating McDonald's, you have given up a little bit.

Chris Tucker describes Life with Michael Jackson in Neverland Story Singing Dancing and Joking Around

Give it up for my boy, Michael Jackson. I miss him man. I miss him. King man -- he's a true life king. Did you all see him in a video? Did you all see him in of those videos? Rock my World? I couldn't believe that I was in that video. I kept on messing up the video, looking at Michael. I was like, "Gawd damn. I'm doing a video." Michael was getting mad, "Chris, what the hell are you doing? Chris look straight. What the hell are you doing. You're messing up my video, chris." I'm like, "I'm sorry. I can't believe I'm on the video with you man!"

"Chris believe it. Chris believe it. You're messing up my video, chris."

"Michael, I'm sorry man. I can't believe it."

Micheal was so cool man. Michael change my name, and I didn't say nothing. He started calling me christmas. First I didn't know what he was talking to. He was like, "Hey christmas."

"Michael, who you talking to?"

"I'm talking to you. Your name sounds like Christmas. It's beautiful Chris. It reminds me of christmas -- Christmas trees, presents, fire places. It's beautiful chris. You should keep it chris."

He convinced me. It does sound kind of good. Christmas Tucker. Ok. Christmas Tucker. Sounds pretty good. I will keep it for a little while.

I went to Neverland. Michael had it cold. Michael had it cold. Neverland was really like Neverland. You go there. Michael had this golden gate. You go throught this gate. The music comes on. It was like, "La la la." Gawd damn. This is really Neverland. I don't ever want to leave. He be fly too. He ride a little train to the house. There is some shit right there. Michael got a train in his house. We get to the house man. Michael would be sitting like michael collooney. He would be sitting in the living room. People gets their bag. Michael be like, "How are you? How are you doing?" He be sitting and talking and all of a sudden something magical would happen -- like two giraffe walk by the window. I be like, "What the hell is happening. Michael, was that 2 giraffes just walk by the window?"

"That was 3 -- three giraffes."

"Michael, that was fly as hell..."

"I know. I know. That's why I bought them."

"Man, how many animals are free like that?"

"A couple of elephants, one lion that we can't find..."

"what?! What?"

"It won't bite you Chris."

"It won't bite you Michael. That lion only like meat. You better find that damn lion."

Michael was cool man. Man, we would hang out with Mike. Michael like rap. He like that 50 cent song -- in the club. He liked the beats so he be jammin to the beat. We be riding in the car. Michael be jamming in the car. He be like, "Bump bump. Bump bump. Ta. ta. ta. Bump. bump." Michael be getting down. All of a sudden you know... It's cool until he started singing the words. That's when he sounded crazy. He be like, "You see me in the club with a bottle..."

"Michael, Michael, no... No... Don't sing the words."

"Chris, I love that song, chris. I love that beat. I love it. That is some cold blooded beat. I love that... Of course I would not go to a club with a bottle full of bud, chris. I would not do that. I love that song."

"It doesn't sound right."

"I know, but I love it."

He love Rick Ross too. Sometimes he be going around the place in the summer and be like, "RRRR."

"What the hell was that?" I was like, "Michael, was that you?"

"No... No..."

"Did you here that?"

"I didn't hear nothing. I thought you did it."

One time I caught him. He was like, "RRRRR."

I said, "Michael, I saw you. I knew it. It was you."

"Chris, I'm sorry. I love Rick Ross. I love him. I love that music. It's so cool. He's so crazy. Rrrr. I love that. He so free. I want to do that on my album -- RRRR. He's so crazy -- so silly. Rrrr. So crazy guy."

One time I did something cool with Michael. I went over to Barry Gibb's house from the Bee Gees. I was like, "Damn this is fly." We were watching the Oscars at Barry Gibbs house -- the Bee Gees. And we all sitting there, and hanging out in stuff. I was like, "Gawd damn, Barry Gibbs and Michael Jackson." All of sudden both of them started singing how deep is your love. I said, "Gawd dang. This Michael Jackson and Barry Gibbs are singing right in front of me. Man, noboby is going to believe me with this shit." It was just me and the dog. The dog was even surprised, "Dwwag ruff ruff."

"Do you see this shit?"

"ruff Ruff I see this shit."

So they start singing. Michael started singing first. I never heard him sing live before. He was like, "How deep is your love... How deep is your love. I really need to know cause we're living in the world of fools, breaking us down and we all should let us be. And the world should..." Then Barry came in, "I feel you... feeling the love that you believe in me." And I caught up, and came in, "talk to you on a summer breeze, and your love. I felt like I know it." Michael was like, "Chris, no. Chris, no. Chris... Chris... No... Chris... What are you doing? Chris... Barry, I'm sorry barry. Chris..."

"I'm sorry Michael. I got caught up."

"No Chris... No... Stick with the jokes Chris... No... What are you doing?"

"Sorry, I got caught up. It sounds so good man."

"No Chris... No... You said you would not sing nothing. Chris..."

"Barry, I'm sorry."

"Chris, what's wrong with you? No..."

"Sorry barry. Sorry Barry."

"Chris... what are you doing?"

"You guys sounded so good. I thought I..."

"No chris... No chris... Go to the car chris. Go to the car."

"I won't say nothing else."

Michael is the man -- Man. Michael performing live. Michael was incredible man. Michael would go out there, and start...

Looking Out Across The Night-Time The City Winks A Sleepless Eye Hear Her Voice Shake My Window Sweet Seducing Sighs

Get Me Out Into The Night-Time Four Walls Won't Hold Me Tonight If This Town Is Just An Apple Then Let Me Take A Bite

If They Say - Why, Why, Tell 'Em That Is Human Nature Why, Why, Does He Do Me That Way If They Say - Why, Why, Tell 'Em That Is Human Nature Why, Why, Does He Do Me That Way

KT Tatara describes ESPN Headliner About Jeremy Lin -- Chink in the Armor

I really don't like to make a lot of Asian jokes. Man, we get made fun of all the time, right? We're the only minority that get made fun of when we are still in the room. No one hesitates. People go right into it. Asian guy smells like fish man. And I was at this store. This guy walks in... No offense man. Anyways, the Asian guy... Like what the hell?! No one does it with black people. Someone makes a black joke, "Shhhh... Hey man, there's a black guy right there. He is gonna beat our ass, and start a march and some crap. Shut the hell up." Asian jokes -- no one cares. I go to comedy shows every night. I'm standing in the back waiting. The comedian would go on. The comedian makes an Asian joke. What does the whole crowd do? They start laughing right at my face, "Ha ha ha. He's talking about you, and you do have a small wee wee. ha ha ha."

I don't like that, "ohhhhh."

You guys here that story about Jeremy Lin -- the chink in the Armour fiasco on Espn.com a few months ago? right? you guys remember that? For you guys that don't know, Jeremy Lin plays basketball for the New York Knicks, and he's Asian american dude. Did you just boo -- The Knicks or him being an Asian american? "Boo I am racist. I don't care about basketball." Alright, that's cool. So he is a basketball player. Anyways, so there was a headline. They put a picture of him after the knicks lost the game. And they wrote the headline, "Chink in the Armour." A lot of Asians were pissed off because that's racist. Now, if you watch basketball a lot, they used that phrase pretty commonly. So it's a gray area whether they are intentionally try to be racist or not. Because first of all, let's be honest. Espn is owned by Disney. It's very PC organization. I don't think anybody over there is that racist. They are like, "I'm not gonna get fired for over this crap. Watch this... ha ha ha." Like you gotta know you are gonna get fired if you do that, right? But I understand, it made a lot of people mad. That's cool. Take it down, ok.

But lot of my Asian friends, are like, "Nah man. You are not able allow to say that phrase in public because it might make asian feel uncomfortable because it's racist." But I'm like, "Yeah, the phrase isn't inherently racist." They be like, "You can't say it at all." I'm like, "Ok, so that's what you want to do? Just like. Ok. fine." Don't say Chink in the Armour in front of Asian people. Don't say spill the bean in front of Mexican people. Don't say that's a cheap shot in front of Jewish people. Don't say raise the roof in front of homeless people. Don't say look at the horse's mouth in front of Jessica Sarah Parker. Don't say It's not over until the fat lady sings in front of Adele. Don't do these things.

RTCA Dinner for President Obama and Vice President Biden with Guest Comedian Joe Wong on C-SPAN

Good everyone, My name is Joe Wong. But to most people, I am known as Hu, which is my mom's maiden name. And it's the answer to my credit card security question. But joking aside, I just want to reassure everybody that I am invited here tonight. I grew up in China. Who didn't. My childhood memory is totally ruined by my childhood. When I was in elementary school, as part of the curriculum, I had to work in a rice patty, right next to a quarry, where they use explosives to break rocks. And that is where I learned that light travels faster than sound, which is as slow as a flying rock. My dad was a grumpy guy, but occasionally tries to cheer me up with jokes, but he doesn't do it right. When I was 7, one thing he said to me, "Hey son, why is tofu better than centralized socialistic economy?" So 5 minutes later, I asked, "why?" He said, "Because I said so."

I came to the united states when I was 24 to study at Rice University of Texas. That wasn't a joke -- until now. I was driving a car with lots of bumper stickers that was impossible to peel off. And one of them said, "If you don't speak English, go home." And I didn't notice for 2 years. And like other immigrants, we want our son to become president of this country. And we are trying to make our son bilingual. English in public and Chinese at home -- which is tough to do. Many times I have to say to him in public, "Hey listen, if you don't speak English, go home." He would say to me, "Hey dad, why do i have to learn two languages?" I said, "Son, once you become president of the united states, you would have to sign legislative bills in English, and talk to debt collectors in Chinese."

When I graduated from Rice, I decided to stay in the united states. Because in China, I can't do what I do best here -- being ethnic. And in order for me become a US citizen, I had to take this american history lesson, where they ask us questions. Like, "Who is Benjamin Franklin?" I'm like, "Uhh... The reason our convenient store gets robbed."

"What's the second amendment?"

We're like, "uh... the reason our convenient store gets robbed."

"What is Roe vs Wade?"

We're like, "uh... 2 ways to come to United states."

I read so much about american history that harbor wide skills. And in america, they say all men are created equal. But after birth, it kind of depends on the parents income, education, and healthcare. I read in Health Magazine that President Obama every 2 weeks have 4 cardio days and 2 weight lifting days. You see I don't have to exercise because I have health insurance.

I live in Massachusetts now where we have universal healthcare. Then we elected Scott Brown -- Talk about mixed messages. I think there was a movie about him. It's called kill bill.

I'm honored to meet vice president Joe Biden here tonight. I actually read all your autobiography. And today I see you. I think the book is much better.

To be honest, I am really honored to be here tonight, and uh... Prepared for months for tonight show. And I showed the white house my jokes about president Obama. And that is when, he decided not to come. We actually talked about immigration reforms. Take that Stephen Colbert. And president Obama has been known for being so soft, but he was conducting two wars. And they still gave him the Nobel peace prize. And he accepted it. You can't be more bad ass than that. Well, actually, the only way he can be more bad ass than that if he took the Nobel peace prize money and gave it to the military.

We have many distinguish journalist tonight, who i considered as my peers because I use to write on campus newspaper. I think journalism is the last refuge for puns. Only in the newspaper you can say things like, "I was born in the year of the horse. And that is why I am a nay sayer." -- My point exactly.

And tonight is my first time on c-span, which is the channel I love to watch -- when I could not stand the sensationalism and documentary of pbs and qvc. If I could not still fall asleep after c-span, there is c-span2 and c-span3. Thank you very much.

So I became a US citizen in 2008, which I am happy about. Thank you very much. America is number 1. That's true because we won the world series every year. After becoming a US citizen, I immediately registered to vote for Obama and Biden. Your welcome. You had me at, "Yes We can." That was their slogan. So after getting Obama and Biden elected, I felt this power trip. And I started to think, "Maybe I should run for president myself." Well, I have to take a step back and explain a little bit. I had always been a rose and pessimistic guy. I felt that life is kind of like pee in the snow in the dark winter night. You probably made a difference, but it's really hard to tell.

But now we have a president, who is half black half white, it just gives me a lot of hope -- because I'm half not black, not half white. Two negatives make a positive. What would be your campaign slogan? You see I spent 10 years in the past decade. Oh you too, okay. So I understand that american people are suffering. So my campaign slogan, "Hu Cares." If elected, I would make same sex marriage, not only legal, but required. That would get me the youth vote. You see I'm married now. I used to be scared of marriage. I was like, "wow. 50 percent of all marriages end up lasting forever." And I will eliminate unemployment in this country by reducing the productivity of the american workforce, so 2 people have to do the work of 1 -- just like the president and vice president -- or like the Olsen twins.

Joe Wong Driver License Organ Donor, Afraid of Bear, and Ugly Baby on Ellen

Hi everybody, so uh... I'm Irish. When I first got my driver's license, I decided to be an organ donor. And give my brain. Because it makes me happy to think that some guy wakes up from a coma, and goes, "Wassa Michelle Yahm. Whor Sheeur Shay La."

So I went to the amusement park a couple of years ago, and towards the end it's a scary ride. They took a picture of me screaming like this... And they try to sell it to me. So I bought the picture. And I put it on my driver's license -- Just to keep it real.

I have a friend. His name is Wie Di. And recently he said to me, "Hey Joe, Let's go to Canada to see some bears."

"Uhm. I'm kind of afraid of bears."

Then he said to me, "Hey Joe, you got to remember. The bears are more afraid of you, then you are with them."

I was like, "Well, I'm pretty sure that the bears are wrong."

And on top of that, I don't want to go near any bears with some guy whose name is Wie Die.

I was watching TV late one night. And uh they have this thing called the emergency broadcast testing on. I was like, "What if this was really an emergency? And I was asleep?" They should let us know when it's on, so I can tivo it.

I came into this country in the mid 90s. I watch lots of TV shows like the Jerry Springer's Show. And uh the funny thing is that, at the time, when i was really new to this country, I thought the people on the show were normal average Americans. It seems I was right.

A lot of bad economic news this year -- were you guys worried about the economy? I'm not. Cause I grew up poor, if i become poor again, I just feel young.

We have a two and half year old now. And uh... here's the thing. I came from a long island people that have kids. Oh you too, ok. But still, it's amazing. My son is really cute now. When he was first born, he was ugly. And I was not prepared for it. I was looking at him in the delivery room. And uh... tried to remember some of my ugly relatives, and to decide exactly who pass the ugly gene to my son, you know. And the doctor came in, and was like, "Congratulations! He looks just like you."

Funny Jim Gaffigan on Seafood Lobster Crabs Oysters Clams Octopus and Snots Obsession in Boston

It's good to be here in Boston. This is... Boston is a tough city. Right? It's like, "Boston! Boston. Boston." I love the Boston energy. And you guys... All of Boston... You guys love your seafood, and it's just disgusting. "Lobster. Lobster..."

I was vacationing in cape-cod cause i'm white. And I was at this seafood restaurant, right? And this guy came over to our table. And it wasn't even our waiter. He came up to us, "Ah you not even eating Lobster. Is there a reason why you are not eating Lobster?" I was like, "Uh, I thought I ordered what I want. I was not really in the mood for bug meat." Cause that's what shell fish are... They are just creepy, crawly giant insects at the bottom of the ocean. You know fish are swimming are like, "We gonna get an exterminator up in this space." They're bugs. They have a shell like a bug. They have spindle legs and crawl around like a bug. They have an antenna like a monster. They're probably monsters. Like if you went home and you saw a chicken in the house, you'll be like, "What the hell a chicken doing in my house." But if you saw a lobster, you'll be like, "We'll moving." Cause there's not a nickel worth of different between a lobster and a giant scorpion. Yeah, I understand everyone loves lobsters, "I love lobsters." Hey, I like butter too, ok? "How can I eat three sticks of butter. Oh, I found this giant swimming sea scorpion." It's just a spoonful of butter that helps the bug meat go down -- in the most delightful way.

Lobster tail? "Is that the area near the butt? Mmm... Yummy... That's what I want -- a little bun turd butt. Yum. Yum. Yum." How about those restaurants that you have to pick out your own lobsters. You're like, "I guess I'll take that one that's really struggling with the rubber-bands. He sees appealing. Why don't we boiling him to death."

Why am I involved with this decision?

But in the northeast, it's all shellfish -- Maryland with the crab. Isn't it a red flag that you need a hammer to eat a red crab. "Oh, you are having a crab? Let me get you some tools, so you can crack open that bug shell, and get that half a bite of bug meat." Crab -- it's too much work. It's like the pistachio of seafood. And there's that nasty part that you are not suppose to eat. I think it's called, "all of it. Cause there crabs as in they're sexually transmitted disease. That has the same name cause it exact same thing." They're just the baby version of the dinner crab. You know gods up in heaven going, "What I gotta do to stop them from eating the crabs. I gave it a rock hard shell. I put it at the bottom of the ocean. I named a disease after it. Jesus, you would have to go back down there." I don't even know how people order crabs with a straight face. "You know. My wife and I... You know I'll get crab, and I'll give her some. Don't tell her. I want it to be a surprise." Even crab as a creature is creepy. It looks like it's trying to avoid an awkward situation. "Oh I owe that guy money, crap."

Clams and oysters? How do we even start eating those? "Hey I found a rock with a snot in it. I was think of eating it." Go ahead. "Alright." What does it taste like? "Anemone." Oyster in a half shell? As suppose to what? Kleenex? Even the was you suppose to eat an oyster, "Just squeeze some lemon. Put a little hot sauce. Throw it back of your throat. Then take a shot of vodka. They try to forget snot rock." That's not how you eat something. That's how you overdose on sleeping pills. "Pearls come from Oyster." Yeah, I try not to eat things that also makes jewelry. Oysters are an aphrodisiac? Why would we ever believe that. "Why don't you and I grab some snots from rock? See what happens... We might end up in my place or the emergency room?"

Clam chowder -- "How can we sell more clams? Why don't we put in a soup that looks like vomit." He went to far... Let's kill him.

But most seafood gives me the willy, like anchovy. What exactly the difference between an anchovy and a sweaty eyebrow. Cause every time I see an anchovy, I go, "Someone has attacked Tom Sellick. Why would you put that in a salad?" Squid is more like a swimming sea spider. "But I like calamari." You can deep fry a rubber hose, and it would taste good. "Hey, a little cocktail sauce. It is good hose."

Octopus? really?! Octo meaning 8. Pus meaning "Really?" Yes pus part is my favorite. The suction cups reminds me we need new bathroom mats.

Funny Abortion Idea for America by Ted Alexandro Comedian

War is difficult. Come on. I'm not making light of war. War is difficult. War is difficult because we send people that we care about -- people that we love. Which is why we should ban abortion, and then raise those babies as our military. Right? Nobody gives a crap about them. We send them over. 20 years later, they get a telegram. "You remember the abortion you wanted? Done."

God Bless America. Beep Beep. Beep. Beep. Flute. Drums. Sound of liberty.

I realized that joke is not for everyone. Just think of it like the specials. You don't have to order the specials, but you do have to hear them. "Shalin and Seabass? No thank you. I'll just get the burger."

Funny Jo Koy Drives Lexus into Highway 5 During Mexican Latino Protest

Ha ha ha. Yay for me. This is great. I love this crap. We are having fun -- Latinos. You are a scary looking one too dude. I'm not going to freak with you alright. We are here to do laugh-ti-do. That crap made first -- the Latinos, the Mexicans. You guys walked out of the border crap. And million of you freakers walked out. That crap brought tears to my eyes. That crap is something to be proud of because the traffic was empty -- that day. Son of a beach -- I was going 85 on the 5 freeway, 5 in the afternoon -- freakin protest again. Gawd damn it. Here's the thing. If I got into accident, the guy I hit; I knew he had insurance. Just joking freaker. You got to tell him because there freakers pretend to laugh, "Ha ha ha. Real funny Freaker. I have no insurance. I get it. I get it freaker. I get it." At the end of the show, " Mr. Funny freaker."

They make fun of us all the time when it comes to driving. Asians? Where are all the freakin Asians? Right? They freak with us all the time. Can't drive? We can freakin drive. I drove here. I didn't hit a bunch of freakin people on the way here, "Oh Shuu. Oh Shuu." Crap we build the best cars. You don't think we can freakin drive them? You think the engineer at Lexus is bragging about what he built, "Oh yeah. Power Steering Wheel. Zero to 60 in 4.9 seconds."

"Won't you take it for a spin."

"Oh, no, no. Are you crazy?!"

So I'm just joking dude, alright. We are just freaking around. We are all having fun. Plus, I can't fight. So don't start crap with me. I can't fight. I'm a beach, dude. I'm such a beach dood. I can't fight man. Dude, check it out. If you don't know how to fight, don't take self defense classes, or buy a gun -- Just Scream. Scream at the top of your lungs -- who is going to fight a guy, screaming like a beach. You know what I mean. Right before he is about to punch you go, "No. Nooooo. Noooooooooo." Then pee. I always pee.

Dude, I'm such a beach. When I walk to my car, I put my key into my fist. "Give me your car."

"No."

John Pinette World Buffet Outbreak on Las Vegas Wizard of OZ buffet, Chinese Buffet, and Japanese Buffet

Well, it's a pleasure to be here because I was just in Las Vegas, so I need the money. I lost a lot of money. I really did. I mean. I get them back in the buffet. Don't get me wrong. $9.95 all you can eat -- well, let's see who win this freaking hand out. Won't we. I do believe I have blackjack. I was at the prime rib counter, going hit me again. The buffet manager was horrified. You should have seen him. He looks like a dear caught in a headlights, "Get the prime ribs back in the kitchen." He finally gave me my money back, "Here's your thousand. Get out!"

Actually they have a buffet in Las Vegas. It's called the OZ buffet. It's the wizard of oz theme. And it's a buffet. You walk up, and it's the emerald city. It's an all you can eat buffet. I ran to it, "we're out of the woods. we're out of the light. Prime ribs, and Pork chops. Scampi. Oh my. Prime ribs, and pork-chops, scampi oh my."

You know I talk buffets, not because I'm a big guy. I'm actually writing a book -- around the world in 80 buffets. And in my research, I found that some foods that shouldn't be all you can eat -- like Chinese food. Chinese food should not because you get hungry again. I don't know what it is. They put something in it. They must. Because I ordered take out and they are always real happy, "Oh, he's going to be back. I give that big boy 1 hour." Because you do get hungry again. What is it. You go to full to starving. There's nothing in between. You go to, "Oh my gosh. I can't believe I ate all that chow mien... Hey look they brought egg-rolls."

So I went to this Chinese all you can eat buffet. Mother of all -- He got pissed. I mean... He was rude. He comes out every hour, "Son of a bitch still here. Look he go again." He started to scream at me, "You go now! You here four hours. Why you here 4 hours. You not come here anymore. Why you have spare ribs? You so big. Eat vegetables. Eat broccoli. Your scare my wife."

I love Chinese food. It shouldn't be all you can eat. Now Japanese food -- for the all you can eat sushi place -- mmm... All the raw stuff I can eat, huh? It was $22.95 -- $22.95 for raw fish?! $22.95 you can throw this on a grill. $22.95 I can't even get a dollar worth. I brought a seal. I put him right under the table. "Arg, Arg. Another plate please." That seal ate buckets full. The owner thought I was eating it all though. I got yelled at again. This guy scared me though. He reminded me of lord Margarito from shogun. "Hey you. Big Boy. Big Boy. Come here. Eat you like free." It's, "You eat like free willy."

John Pinette Understands Vegetarians, but NOT Vegans eating Almonds

So now I shop at these health food stores when I'm on the road. And there's some healthy things that I like. Some people over there have boundaries issues. They walk up to me, and one lady said to me, "Do you like your beef cruelty free?"

"Oh yah. I would have it no other way. Take that cow to Disney world. Put them on the rides. Give them mickey ears -- couple of pictures. Then whack them all they way into the airport. Didn't you like taking your pictures with mickey. Put it right into your huff. Alright don't turn around."

Vegetarians -- I completely understand. You have health issues with it. You have ethical issues. I completely understand. Some... A vegetarian said to me, "But I'm a vegan."

"Oh what is that. What is that?!"

"Well, we don't eat meat or dairy."

"What do you do?!"

"I'll tell you what to do. They lose their minds."

Vegans go to the store, and they buy 50 pounds bag of almonds. And they make them into stuff that they wish they could eat. They don't have a stove. They have a play dough fun factory.

"what's you making there?"

"It's a pork roast."

"No, it's not! It's almonds mushed together. Have a cheese burger!"

Bill Burr tells Conan He Hates Superbowl Commercials, Superbowl Parties, Superbowl Halftime

No superbowl parties. If you are a true football fan, you do not go to a superbowl parties because it's a bunch of losers who don't watch it all year. Then what they do is they talk during the game. Then they shutup during the commercials. And then the game comes back on, "How much do you think that one cost? Oh, that's funny. I thought that one stunk." It's like the rage that goes through me -- through the game. I just end up fighting. You know -- with somebody.

What I do is I tape the game. I let it go for 90 minutes. For 90 minutes, I shut off everything. Then I start watching. Then that way I can fast forward through all the crap, all the fireworks, the band...

No, no. I love Bruno Mars. I'd rather go to his concert. I don't need to... And they keep on talking about the weather like that's going to be a problem. It's going to be for the band. They are going to have the hardest time, not the players. The players will be fine. It's the band. They have to sing in that weather. Flea never wears a shirt. Alright. Those are the guys... Everybody else will be fine.

Yeah, I don't like it. It's the most important game of the year. And they turned it into this... I don't know what it is. I don't know what it is anymore. It used to be a little high school band that came out -- played their little song. Then that was it. Now, they are shooting tshirts into the crowd.

Louis CK tries Vape Vaporizor and Text Texting at the same time -- Say No to Weed Drugs

Having children is a big responsibility, and I have never done very well at it. I made a lot of mistakes -- Some of them big, some of them small. You know. Like... I am still a person. I am an idiot. You know. I'm still like... I got high one night -- really high because I don't do drugs. I never do drugs -- never. So when I do, they are way more fun. To me that is my best advice. If you really want to enjoy drugs, never do them -- never. Because when you do, they are actually fun. Cause when drugs are part of your life, it's just another pain in the ass in your life. It's just, "Ahh, all my drugs suck." I don't want to have that problem. I always want to be that person where it's a new thing. Somebody is like, "Hey do you want to try this." I'm like, "Oh, ah, I don't know if I should. This is crazy. I don't even know how to do it. I mean what is this."

Anyways I got... My friends got this vape. I'm little worried about the young people with the vaping. Then they just do this. And then they just vape. And then they just stand at the corner, puffing. Looking at the freakin thing. And I miss the... I miss you. I miss you people because you used to stand around like this. And I get to go, "Ewww, freak that one. That one was ok." But now, I'm just seeing the top of people's head now. But I didn't realized... my friend... My younger friend vapes. She told me, "It's just to calm. I can barely feel it. It helps go to sleep." So one night I was hanging out, "I am going to go home, and go to sleep. Maybe I'll try it." So I took one tiny hit. I was insane. I was completely insane. I was in my house. I couldn't even walk pass the window. I had to go under the window because I was afraid to look inside of my own brain.

So I start texting people. Just texting. Texting, "I'm so high. I'm so freaking high. I'm so high." And i text another friend, "I'm so high. I wan to suck my pot jeez on my won crock, and get higher." That's what I wrote. I'm not bragging. I'm just telling. That's what I wrote. And I sent it, "whoosh." And then later. I looked at my text. I was like, "I think I might of sent that to my 12 year old daughter. I think it's possible." I didn't, but I could too easily could of. We need... Now my kids are in my phone. There needs to be a reliable firewall that says these numbers are much harder to text. You can't just, "whoops." Traumatized her irreversibly. You go to write to these numbers I have to solve the hell raiser puzzle. And there's two guys with the key at the opposite room that turns at the same moment. And there's a warning, "Wahoo. Are you sure?! You want to send this picture of your pubic hair to your ex wife's mother. That's how you want to break the silence of six years since the divorce. "This is my pubic hair. How have you been?"

Ben Bailey Rants About Google Predicting Our Future

Do you know what else has pissing me off lately -- Google. Do you guys know google? A couple of people might have heard of it. Rest of you guys are like, "Google?! What's google?!"

Google it, and find out. That's the only way to learn anything anymore -- Google it. Well, that was fine at first because things were simple. It was like Google was my friend. I would be like, "Hey, Google. What do you know about this?" Google would be like, "Well then, here is what I got for you." Things were simple then. Google was my friend.

But somewhere along the lines. Things change. And google turned into that annoying friend who would never let you finish the story because it keeps on interrupting you -- trying to guess the ending before you can get to it. Right, now I sit down. I type the letter p. And google is like, "Pacific ocean?! Is it pacific ocean?! Is it?! Is it pacifier?! Is it pack rat?! Is it peanuts?! Is it piss-bag?! What is it?! I need to know! Right now! Tell me what it is! I can't wait anymore!"

Ryan Hamilton describes Tinder App Dating on Late Late Show with Drew Carey

I'm from Idaho. And uh I look like where I am from. Don't I. You don't look at me right away, and go, "That guy is from Idaho, but when I said it out loud. It makes sense." I live in New York City Now. It's a great city. There's a little attitude. I mean. New Yorkers say stuff like uh, "If you can make it here, you can make it anywhere." -- The audacity of that statement. I mean the assumption that you have to jump to, right? I'm from a town of a thousand people in Idaho. And I don't think New Yorkers could make it there. "What happened?"

"I don't know. He wandered off looking for gluten free cupcakes and uh... 3 days later. We found a body. Turns out he can't make it here."

Maybe New York City is the easiest place to make it. You are going to get lost. Sure. You can pop out of the subway, and go, "Oh the street has numbers. I see six delis. I think I'm gonna make it. I made it."

A lot of people in New York city -- It's difficult to meet someone. People can meet on the internet now. You know. Nobody wants to talk about it. It's very taboo. There are people now looking straight ahead going, "Please drop this topic." But you know I know solid couples meet on the internet. If you ask them, "how did you meet." This is what happens. Women goes, "We met on the internet. Like they are a little quicker to get there. Then the men say, "Please stop telling people that." Now I think because the attitude is different. When women get on the internet to find someone, I feel the attitude is "I'm just exploring my options." When a man gets on the internet to find someone, do you know what the attitude is? "I have exhausted all my options. There is nowhere else to go. Let's search the universe because that's all it's left. It's just a hail Mary pass into the ether, "Someone please catch that." I don't know.

But all my friends now are on this location based dating apps like tindr. Do you know that. We all have a device that just constantly broadcast our location. So here is what dating has become in the modern world, "Who is right here right now." Right? It's like we're hunting a fugitive on the run or something you know, "7 to 10 miles perimeter. Close all the roads. She has a 5 miles head start. Move. Move. Move." It's like who are you interested in? Everyone within a hundred yard radius, basically. Uhm.

I'm not really into long distance relationships. You know. It's just nothing substantial about it to me. Yeah, it's real people -- yes with feelings and emotions. But through your life so quickly. It's like, "No. No. No." Who are you? What kind of power do you think you wheeled? Are you a sixteenth century king, you know. "No. No. No. Not good enough. Off with her head. Next. Next. Maybe. No." That's who we'd become. You know.

I don't know how people feel anymore. I want to know how people feel -- constantly guessing. We all have this ability to interpret expressions. There's nuance. You just send out a smiley face, and go, "That should cover it." Little salsa dancing girl -- I think I made my point. You know. Every time I send out a smiley face, there's a voice behind my head that goes, "You're not the man anymore. I thought you were a man." I sent a smiley face to another man. I hate myself for 10 days. I get a smiley face back from that man -- I collapse. I don't know what to do. Right?

We ruined exclamation points. There finished. People send to many -- 4, 6, 8 exclamation points. It's not unheard of. Everybody. 1 means excitement. It's not a scale. It's just one. If I send one exclamation point, people gonna go, "Is this sarcasm? I don't know what this is." Little things that have too much meaning. Right? A period in the wrong place -- It ruins my day. You know. "You want to go to dinner?" No period. Ouch. I get it. I get it. We are not going to dinner. Let me say. Your period is unnecessary and hurting my feelings. I don't need it in my life. There's enough finality in no. I don't need it.

Jay Larson On Conan about Prank Phone Call in New York

I have a question. Your cellphone rings. You don't recognize the number. What do you do? Ignore it. Don't answer it. Not me. I like life.

The other day my cellphone rings 917. It's a New York number. I don't know who it was. I picked it up anyways. Hit talk, and said, "Hello." The guy goes, "Hey Bruce, what's going on?" My name is Jay, not Bruce. So I said, "Nothing much man. What's going on with you?" And he said, "I'll tell you what's going on. I just got an email about the budget. It's suppose to be 15,000. Now, it's 10,000. And I would like to know what's up." I got excited in my chest.

I grabbed the steering wheel. Ok, focus. Your name is Bruce. There's a budget. It was at 15,000. Now, it's 10,000. No one is happy about it. That's all we know.

So I just repeat what he said to me, "10,000? It's suppose to be 15,000."

He goes, "Yeah, I know. I just got an email, and now it's 10."

I said, "Listen man, I don't know what to tell you. I have been on the road all day. I have not even seen it."

And he goes, "Did you send this out?!" -- giving some attitude to Bruce.

I didn't like it. I said, "I listen man. The budget was 15,000. We are a couple of expenditures. It went to 16 2. I reworked it. Got it down to 14 7. I had 300 to play with. I call the 15, and I sent it out."

And he goes, "Yah, well now it's 10 man."

I was like, "Oh my god. That worked. That worked. Phase 1 complete." Now, I'm in the door. I have a 401K. I was at the Christmas Party.

So he goes, "Did Larry Ok this?"

I go, "Listen man. I took the budget to Larry. Larry said it looked fine, but I knew it was my ass on the line. So I ran it by Jennifer. Just in case. Just to double check. Jennifer said it looked good. I sent it out."

He goes, "Yeah, now it's 10 man."

And I realized this guys does not know what' going on over there. He hasn't talked to Larry. And know he hasn't talked to Bruce because he doesn't even recognized my voice. I know he hasn't talk to Jennifer. I just made her up.

So he goes, "Listen man. What are you going to do about this?"

And I go, "Listen. I'm on the road right now. I have not even seen the email. Why don't you give Larry a call. Check it with him, and see what he says, and call me back." Just praying he will. Cause that return phone call would be amazing.

Conan James Smith Single vs Relationship and Pregnancy

I am trying to decide either to be single or in a relationship. Now, when you are single, it's a lot like being unemployed. You say you want a job, but really you just want money. Because to weeks into the job, you are like, "Ah, that's right. I hate working." Exactly the same in a relationship. 2 weeks in you are like, "Ah that's right. I hate people." But I'm really lucky because I have this voice in my head, which keeps me very accountable. So if I see a beautiful women on the street. I'm like, "Oh, I would do anything to be with her." Then the voice kicks in, "Really? What would you do? Would you go to the gym? Would you get a job? Naw, you wouldn't would you? See why you are not with her?" Yeah, that's pretty clear thank you inner voice. I guess if the woman said, "Listen, if you go to the gym and get a job, I'll go out with you." Then, I probably work towards it as a goal, but i just refused to do it on expectations. I'm not walking around all fit with a great job -- just in case.

I'm trying to understand how life works. And I learned this. You have to date people that you really like. It can't be just physical. If it is, it's doom. Because men are bi polar when it comes to sex. Pre and post sex -- we are two different people. Pre-sex -- very enthusiastic, "Yes I agree with you. Ha ha ha. That is so funny." Just the lies, deceptions. Ah. I hear myself talking to women. I'm like, "shut up. ah." It's all for what? Just to get laid. But the second you climax, you're like, "what have I done?" It's like a murder. There's a naked body here. How do i get rid of it? I have left my own apartment after sex. Do you know how uncomfortable that is? They are looking at you going, "Where are you going?"

"I just... I can't... Just steal whatever you need."

Something happens to men during orgasm. Something leaves our body. I think it's interest. And you can't get that back for roughly an hour. And yet women are so comfortable afterwards. They're like, "What do you want to do now?"

"Anything. Not with you. I would do anything you like. You can't be there."

I adore women. I think they are incredible. Just the fact that they agreed to pregnancy. They're just like, "Yeah, sure. I'll let someone live inside of me -- for nine months."

Nine months?! People say to me, "Can you hold this?" I say, "No."

Conan Plays Minecraft on Xbox Live with Tips and Advice on Vision of Game

I asked what game you want me to rate. You guys said Minecraft. My friend, Aaron Blaire, and I are going to play Minecraft. I don't play video games. I'm not kidding. I don't know anything about this. I know nothing about it. I thought it was one of those -- neck massages from brookstone.

This game is about mining things and building things.

Taking out of the grounds and building things?

Correct.

So it is like we are in Whales in the 19th century, and we are desperately poor. What a fun games for kids.

Every game for these kids are generated in this world. So we are walking around. We are in the forest.

I'm going through some grass. Is that a pig?

Do you see me?

Yeah. Hey, why am I wearing plaid pants.

This is the only guy with the orange hair.

So the guys in the orange hair wear stupid mad boxer shorts. That's discrimotory. Look. The sheep just gave me the look like, "what's with that guys?" The block sheep keeps checking me out. You are the guy that molested me last night. So we mine nothing.

Alright, just follow me right here. We are going to get some wood.

They put no effort into the graphics. This looks like a world if you glaucoma. This should be called glaucoma world. The pressure of your eyeballs is to high. Your vision is so impaired you put on mad shorts. That sheep keeps sniffing my butt. Get out of here. Get out sheep. Let's chop something down. For god-sake, nothing happened. We've grown poorer and older.

Now you are digging the ground.

Do I keep on digging to the ground?

You know. I fled Ireland to not do this.

At night time, monsters come out.

So the monster is coming after you.

Those are scary monsters.

My six year old can draw better monsters than that. Who designed this game?

So minecraft is very popular? So young people that can't see well likes this game. I'm so confused because I don't what we accomplished.

The makers of mine craft please. Please, go to the nearest Lenscrafters, and get fitted for some eyeglasses. Then makes a world that looks like a world.

Bobby Lee Addicted to Vicodin True Story on Mad TV

I used to be on a show called madtv. It was kind of like SNL but for Mexicans. 12 Mexicans watched that show. So if you are a fan, "Hola, Que Tal." So uhm I was really excited to get booked on a TV show cause I'm a fat ethnic guy, right? I don't think that can happen. So uh..Maybe I can get laid. Who knows... You know... So I show up at MadTV, and they didn't use me at all. I play like Chinese waiter number 2. They gave me one word to say -- like, "Hello." Cut. Bobby, you are a wrap. Thank you so much. "I want to kill myself."

So over the months, I developed a eating disorder. I couldn't stop eating Vicodin. That shit is delicious. I started like 5 a day, right? I eventually took 40 a day, and I'm a small dude. The reason why it didn't kill me because Asians have evolved. We have a stronger core than all of you. And we're smarter. I never met a guy with syndrome, but if I did i bet you money he is smarter than the average white guy. Instead of straight As, he gets straight Bs. He only knows one instrument. 40 a day, and uh you know it's a disease. It got worst and worst. We would do table reads from 9 in the morning on Fox. I would be in a strip club in tequana -- like on stage dancing.

So after two years of this, I was like crazy, right. So they gave me an intervention, which was nice. They were nice good people, right? So I sat in the office, and said, "You have been doing too many drugs. And we want you to stop. And we will give you one more shot. And we wrote you a Connie Chung sketch. Can you do it?" I was like, "Heck yah. I'm going to heck a do it."

So that was on a Wednesday. And on Thursday, a comedian, name Donkin Trustaleader, came to my house. Yeah, he is very talented. He took all my Vicodin, and just ran away. What a butt-hole. So I was fine about 5 minutes. Then all of a sudden I got the shakes for hours -- just like...

So on Friday I showed up shaking. But in front of the producers, I am fine. My face completely fine cause I'm a good actor. Would you not a agree? So I am in make up. So I'm sitting in make up. And I'm sweating so bad. The Connie Chung make up is dripping down my face. So I am sitting there and all of a sudden I hear a noise inside of my stomach. It went like this, "quackle quackle." And I told the make up, "No. No. Yeah, I just ate a banana. I'm really hungry." But it was really the Vicodin. So uh... I showed up on stage -- 400 people. I'm sitting there with the Connie Chung. I have 3 pages of dialogue that I was suppose to memorize. I knew six words. So I hear this, "5, 4, 3, 2, 1, action." I said, "Good evening, I'm Connie Chung." And then I shit in my pants -- down to my stocking. The audience went, "uhhhhhhhh..." Which what you do when somebody shit in their pants. I knew right then and there my career was over. For one night it was over -- Ten year of hard work.

I was fine with it because I wanted to get sober. The producer came up said, "Pack your stuff." So i went to the dressing room. I packed all my stuff. I was literally crying. I was so sick guys. I was about to die. Then I went to rehab the next day. Then a couple of months later, they found out I was sober. So they hired me back. I stayed on the show for 6 more years.

Brian Regan Brilliant Tattoo Art Idea and Approaching Girls like In the Movies

What I think would be very interesting is getting a game of hangman tattooed on your chest. Only that tattoo artist knows the answer. So hum every time you want to continue the game you would have to go back to the tattoo parlor. "Uhm.. is there a G?"

"Nope."

Then he tattoos another body part.

"Darn it." And you walk out, "I thought it was Batman and Gar-ban."

Here is another tattoo idea. I think it would be interesting to get a tattoo of a dozen Easter eggs, but tell the tattoo artist to hide them. Then if you know if somebody finds all of the Easter eggs, you know they really like you.

I'm back in the dating world. I went to a break up. After the break up, people ask, "What happened? Was it a big thing?"

Then I was like, "I don't know. It depends on how you look at it."

We cannot agree on the definition of "this exit" and "next exit." I was driving. She goes, "get off of the next exit." So I pulled off. "Why did you get off here? I told you get off at the next exit."

"I thought I can get off here, so I can buy a dictionary."

So I am asking women out. I don't know how to do that smoothly. I watched the movies. It goes down so smoothly at the movies. "would you like to go out on a Saturday?"

"I would love that."

"I'll pick you up at 8."

Wait a second. Even if they are interested, aren't there more planning. "Would you like to have dinner on Saturday?"

"I would like that, but I can't Saturday because my sister is flying into town. My sister and I are going out on Saturday night. I can do a Friday."

"I pick you up at 8."

"8 o clock is not going to work. My company is having a office party night. We probably should go to that. It goes up to 9 o clock. We can have a late dinner like a 10 o clock dinner on Friday."

"Uhm. I will pick you up at 9:30."

"Don't you need to know where I live?"

"I do need that information."

"I live in Jefferson township. If you take route 27, you are not able to get there. You will not able to take it all the way to township cause they are doing road construction the last two miles. So if you get 2 miles out of my town, you have to shoot over. Then pick up a street called Elms Meadow Lane. Then take that to the final two miles. It meanders around. Then you end up parallel with my township. So you will be coming from the west. You will see Alhambra apartments. You can't park in front of my building. They are doing water treatment out front. It was suppose to be completed like 3 months ago. But there's tennis courts across the street. It says no parking on the fence. Park there. The cross the street. My buzzer is very glitch. Don't even bother. Just call from the cell. I hear yah. I meet you out front. I should tell yah. I'm gluten free."

"I need a scratch piece of paper."

Jim Gaffigan Kisses Kale Goodbye to his Diet

Can we stop with the Kale propaganda? That stuff taste like bug spray. I was looking at a can of bug spray, and said, "made with real kale."

Kale is a super food, and it's special powers is tasting bad. It's inedible. All you have to do is freeze dry it, cover it in cyan peppers, put in shake, and buried it in the ground. Kale is so good for you. It's like a really bitter spinach with hair. Kale is so good for you.

If I found out Kale cure cancer, I'm going to be like, "I'm going to do the chemo." I tried the kale.

Haven't we evolved as a species so we no longer have to eat things like kale.

You know there were cave-mans, "One day we will no longer go through weeds. We eat porter house steak, so we no longer sound like cookie monster. Now we go to yum, yum donuts."

Kale. I just can't stand the kale bragging, "I just had some kale." No one asked you. People talk kale like it's a band, "have you seen the new album by kale?"

I was at a school event cause I have a thousand children. One of the mom was nice enough to make bean soup. I went over, and taste it, "This is very good." And she goes, "I snuck some kale in there." And I wanted to throw the bowl at her because she is trying to impress me with a vegetable. "Oh wow. You smarty.

Amy Schumer talks About Happy Ending Porn Streaming

I like to watch porn. Like what girls in here like porn? Thank you. I love it. All the whores are in the front -- the best. I don't like to watch the end of porn. I don't like to watch the end of any porn. Cause guess what happens at the end of the rainbow, every time? Spoiler alert -- He comes at her face. Oh what amazing choose your own adventure. It always end exactly the same. There's never a twist. Right? Like the guy is having sex with her. He looks on camera and says, "Are you reading that Nicholas Sparks book too? Oh what are the chances? Let's start a bed and breakfast together." No. He just comes on her head. We don't want to see that. Cause we think about that girl, that poor girl. And we know once the director yells cut, she is stumbling like hell, looking for a towel. "Where's the towel? Did you guys go to lunch? This isn't cool. You promise this is good for my skin."

So the guy he is dating, he is so lazy. He is like most dudes. He will not go down on me. I have to become a climber every time you know. Head up there -- just holding on like a nosy neighbor, peeking over the fence. I feel like Wilson from Home Improvement. I'm like, "Hey, Tool-man what's uh..." It's embarrassing up there.

I went on another date with this guy recently. He is really hot, so I pretend to be a good person. I said I love kids like I like pretend wearing a condom. I like to say something fun to bring it up. I'm gonna be honest, "You better want to wear this. I had a busy month. It's like a dish right now. I don't know what's happening.

Bruce Lee is dynamite in the Dojo by Eddie Griffin

That Bruce Lee is a bad mo-fo. Five foot seven, 140 pounds -- dynamite. You understand me. That mo-fo in the movie walks in the dojo -- 300 mo-fo. Bruce walks in, and I love his walk. He had this walk... Oh he was a chigga, a Chinese iggy. That little mo-fo has some little chocolate in him.

"We can fight one at a time or all together."

If you sit in that dojo, you gotta ask yourself two questions. Either he got a bomb oh his ass or he is really a bad mo-fo. Neither one of them are good.

If I was in that set, I would be like, "hey, hey, hold up. They got black belt. My crap is orange. You're the teacher, teach. Now if you whoop his ass, then I will take your class."

Jo Koy Loses his Keys While His Mom Makes Fun Of Joseph

When I lost something, I lost it. My mom will never help me find crap, right? Normal parents help their freakin kids, right? Normal parents help, right? "Okay, did you lose something? Your keys? Was it in here? What jeans? Were you wearing jeans? Well, let's look for those jeans." That's how you freaking help your kids find crap. Not my mom.

When I lost something, I guarantee my mom is right behind me messing with me. She enjoys that kind of stuff. If I'm looking under the coach, I guarantee my mom is right behind me, "Oh, what? what? What's under the coach? What's under the coach Joseph? Is it your keys? Did you lose your keys again? Oh, maybe they walked under the coach like that..." Now I gotta ask my mom for help. That's the worst mistake I can make.

"Mom, I'm late for work. Do you know where my keys are?"

"Joseph, did you just ask me where's your keys are? Isn't that a stupid question? That is a stupid question Joseph. Excuse me person that does not drive my car, do you know where my keys are? That is stupid Joseph. Why don't you ask me where's my keys are? I know the answer to that. Go ahead Joseph. Ask me. Come on. Ask me right now."

"Mom, do you know where your keys are?"

"Of course I do. Of course I do Joseph. I know where my keys are all the time. You know why Joseph? Because I put it in the same place like I always put my keys. I hang them over here on this wooden plaque. That says keys. Joseph, when you lose something, do you use your eyes to look for it or do you use your mouth? Because every time you lose something Joseph, you use your mouth to find something. You can't find anything like that Joseph. You just walking around, "Has anybody seen my keys? I don't know where my keys are." Open your eyes. Look for it.

Martin Lawrence takes survey on who believes in Prenuptial Prenup

Let me ask you a question. Do you believe in prenuptial? 1, 2, 3, and lady right there -- ok. Wow, you all believe in that. Oh uh, who don't believe it that? Whow. Over ruled. Pop. Over ruled.

I see you. I see don't believe it that. Well, that's cool cause believe in love, and let it be. You will roll with that, and let the heart take over. Then see what happens. That's a beautiful thing. That's a beautiful thing.

Let me ask you something -- hypothetically speaking. Uh mmm... Let's say uh... We were getting married -- some crap. This is hypothetical, right? And coming into the marriage, I got uh... 400 hundred million. And that's what I am coming in here with... And uh... you coming in with a bag. Do you still think you should get some of that 400 hundred mill?

Shia LaBeouf how he got Arrested in cabaret burlesque

How does one get arrested from a cabaret?

So I land in New York, coming back from Ireland, visiting my girl. And in Ireland, like you go to Rome, you have spaghetti. You know. When you go to Ireland, you drink whiskey. So I have been drinking a lot of whiskey in Ireland. I come back, and land, and it's the world cup. And you drink a lot of whiskey during the world cup. So I sitting at a bar. I'm drinking a lot of whiskey, and watching the world cup, South Korea vs Lithuania. I really cared at this point. I'm drunk enough to really care. So I'm all Lithuanian. And I go outside to have a cigarette, and there's this homeless man. I'm here with this homeless marine. And I start talking to him. Start to get into a conversation. And a woman runs up start taking pictures of me with her cellphone. And it trips him out. I can't really calm him down, so he starts running down the road after 30 minutes of conversation. So I start running after him. I'm trying to calm a homeless man in middle of time square. And he doesn't want anything to do with me. But I'm not giving up. I chase him for a while. He's gone.

I turn around to the bar to pay my bill. Then I see this dude come towards me. He says, "hey Shia, i'm a big fan. what are you doing tonight?" I'm like, "I'm looking to turn it up a bit. You know. I'm trying to have a good night here. Done with this Lithuanian thing. What's going on?" And he says, "Well, why don't you come to my show? we have cabaret." I was like, "Cabaret, yeah. I love cabaret. Cabaret is exactly what I want to do." so he gives me a ticket.

And the cabaret is a block away from my bar. Now the drink is starting to kick in. I'm good and drunk at this point. I make it into the theater. What i know of Broadway is this kind of setup. And this show, it had many tables.

Comedian John Mulaney chases Lady in Queens Long Island by mistake

I live here for a while now, and there is a new thing where like late at night on the street where women see me as a threat. That is funny. Yeah. It's kind of flattering on it's on way, but at the same time it's weird because I'm still afraid of being kidnapped.

But I give here a best example of this. A couple of months ago, I'm at a subway station in Long Island city Queens. Oh yeah. Do go if you get the chance, a beautiful place. I'm changing between subway trains, and it's 2 o clock in the morning. And you have to walk down this long corridor in order to change trains, 2 o clock in the morning. It's just me and this woman. And she is walking a few yards ahead of me. And we're walking down. And she starts giving this like, "the over the shoulder." Like that. And then she starts picking up the pace. She starts to walk a lot faster.

So I think, "Oh, she must here the train coming." You know. Or she feels it in her feet like a native american in the movies. So I start to sprint down the hallway at her. And she looks back, and was like, "ahhhh." Then she gets chased. So we're sprinting down the corridor at 2 o clock in the morning. And I'm gaining on her. I'm gaining on her, and we're at the end of the hallway. And she goes into that dead end shuffle. You know. What women do when you chase them.

And I'm almost there. I'm almost at her. Then it dawns on me, "Oh she's running away from me." Because in her eyes, I'm an adult. And adults rape each other -- kind of a lot. So I want to go up her, and be like, "whow. no. no. no. no. I'm not like a, a, a... like a man." I'm just a stupid punk.

Little Johnny Joke Married to Grandma

One day Little Jonnie says to his father: I want to get married.

Father: Oh, so do you have someone special in your mind?

Johnny: Yes...Grandma

Father: What? There is a problem now; you want to marry my Mother? 

Johnny: Why not? You married my mother

Louis CK describes tits in his breast way he can on How and Why the addiction

We love women a lot -- all men do. And we just look at you. I just look at women, "urrr," like there's cake behind the window, "urrr."

I was walking in New York once, and there's this two cute little women walking behind me. And I was trying to walk slowly, so I can hear what they were saying to each other. You know. Because they were cute. So I wanted to hear them. That would help me in anyway.

 "Don't you wish the guy in front of us would squeeze our tits for one second."

 "Okay."

 We have a flaw in all men that we would do that. If you were a woman, you can ask any guy on planet earth, "Can you squeeze my tits for one second?" And one hundred percent of us would go, "Oh yes of course." That doesn't matter. I can do open heart surgery, "Yeah, ok." He is not your tits don't worry about him.

 I don't know why we love tits so much. Some people say because we breast feed, but so do women. Well, you know -- Baby women, grown up women don't usually... You don't see a 68 year woman like... Weaver like sucking milk, on a young woman's tits, "Thank you Debra. I will see you tomorrow." It's not the usual thing.

 The elderly breast feeding a young, except for the end of the grapes of wrath. I didn't mean to ruin the ending for you, but you should have been reading it by now. If you read the grapes of wrath, that's how it ends. A old, dying man sucking on a young lady's tits. And then the book is over. And you're like, "omg what happen." There's no book in that genre. A dense, classic book that ends with one line of pornographic language.

 Have you ever been in a crowded area, and you have to squeeze in, and you elbow touches a tit. I be like, "I just touched a tit. I know i did because the male's elbow is very sensitive." You can drive a nail in it, and I will not be able to feel it. But a tit, through a shirt, a sweater, and a jacket, and her shirt, a sweater, and a jacket, and a bra, "it's a tit. I know it. It's rare to touch one tit. It's like a 4 leaf clover. The only time you were able to touch one tit is when it was by accident. Everything in moderation.

Bobby Lee Best Animated Asian Comedian What Ethnicity Are You

Where's all the white people? I love white people so much. I am tired of the details about their ethnicity, nationality. I don't give a crap what you are. People that get into details, "I'm half German, quarter Irish, part Navajo Indian."

You are freaking white. Just say white.

Imagine a girl today, "I'm half Chinese, and half Mexican."

Then you're Filipino. Just say Filipino.

White people say racist stuff accidentally. That's gotta stop. I had this photo-shoot for this Harlem kumar movie. The photographer is white. He kept saying, "Bobby, can we get some expression in your eyes."

I'm like, "What the crap is this? There is only two thing it does open and close. This is happy, angry, and all that crap. Take the picture before I close them."

I just get nervous when race is brought up. I'm American citizen you know. I'm at a starbux. This really happened. This old man came up to me. He goes, "Are you Korean?"

I got scared. I was like, "yeahhh."

And he goes, "I fought in the Korean War."

What does he want me to say? Thank you? Cool? What came out of my mouth was, "Me too."

Then he got mad, "What!!!!!"

Then I start to improvise, "That's my name, Me Too."

KT Tatara is Asian Enough because he is Half Japanese and White

I did not have a lot of Asian friends growing up. Then I move out here in California. There's alot more Asians. There's a whole Asian thing going on out here. Sometimes they get mad at me for not being Asian enough. Like one time, I was at the mall, and I was trying to flirt with this Asian girl there. I was like, "Hey, yeah, what kind of Asian are you?"

Yup, Yup. That's how you do it.

And she goes, "uh, actually, I'm Chinese, Vietnamese, and Filipino."

I was like , "Whow, you got three parents?! Hell yah." You know. Just a silly joke, right? Well, she didn't get it.

She was like, "what? No, I have to dumb butt."

Like she was that hot. You know what I mean. She's like I-don't-get-jokes hot. Like everything. So i was like, "nah, no. I was making a joke.

Then this Asian dude comes over, "what's a problem, bro. what's the problem, bro. You messing with her? what's the problem, bro? Stop bothering her bro. What's the problem bro."

I just started laughing. Because look. Asian guy I'm sorry. It's like, you know. It's not threatening when Asian dudes are angry. It just looks like you just smelled a bad fart. "What's up bro? you got a problem bro? You bothering her bro?"

I was like, "what the. nah man. I just made a joke. She didn't get it. Be cool man. Look man. You Asian. I'm Asian. Why won't we be cool?"

"Puh, you think you Asian dawg? You ain't even asian man. Look at you all acting white. You ain't even Asian dawg. You are white wash. I bet you are one of those half breeds dawg. You just white wash. You think you asian? You ain't even asian dawg. You just acting white." I was like, "uhm... you sound black."

If we are going to play the stereo type game. What the hell is that. He calling me white wash, and he is working at the diesel store. I'm sure you dad is very proud that you are selling belts at the mall.

I'm not disowning my Asian self. I'm mix. I'm half white, and half Japanese. I'm a little bit of both. I want to learn about my Asian side, so I went to japan about a year and half ago. It was cool man. I really like to learn some stuff about japan. Going as an adult I had a different perspective. I figured out why they are so smart with all the technology and electronic stuff because they are good listeners. It's all it is. If you listen to the conversation, it doesn't matter what people are saying. They are always very focus. Like, "oooooooooo." It makes me feel good.

Little Johnny Jokes -- How many apples did he eat for breakfast?

At school one morning the teacher asked little Johnny what he had for breakfast.

 Little Johnny said, "Well, on my way to school I come cross this Apple tree, so I climbed up there and started eating apples." "I guess I eat about six," said little Johnny.

"No," said the teacher, "it's ate!"

 Little Johnny said "Well it could've been eight, I don't remember."

Jim Gaffigan Weddings are Expensive and Weird Transition from Girls as Property to Princess Where Magic Exist

At times I feel like I'm trying to get fat. Last time I was eating a pint of ice cream, and I finished it cause I am American, alright. I took off the lid, and threw it away cause I'm not a quitter, everyone. And -- cause I care for the environment. I was conserving energy by not freezing. Your welcome. Of course it was at night. Have you ever eat ice cream during the day? What are we? 6 years old? We just got our tonsils out? Why are there people around me? Shouldn't I be alone, watching lifetime? "Those hoarders. Those are the people with problems." I always eat ice cream with sweatpants like a man.

My wife came into the room, "Jim, are you going to eat the entire pint of ice cream by yourself?"

I said, "Hopefully. Unless you selfishly want a bite."

"Jim, you have a 9 year old daughter. Don't you want to be at her wedding?"

"Not really. No. What, do you think there's going to be ice cream at her wedding? Cause if you promise... I still don't want to go."

How is attending a wedding... Why would that be an incentive?

"Don't you die! In 18 years there's going to be awkward party that you have to pay for. We need you to write a check."

No I understand weddings, and why it is important event where we spend a lot of money where a bride can pretend to be a -- princess. And marry her prince. And live happily forever after because magic exist.

We are a bunch of weirdos. Weddings are kind of weird. What's the logic? Well, we love each other. Why don't we pretend we have a kingdom. We will invite your parent's friends and my parent's friends. Then we will have a banquet. And two kingdoms will come together as one. We can start our married life in a total fantasy before we go on a completely unjustified vacation.

It's strange right? Weddings started as a crude, mid-evil ceremony where women's daughters exchange as properties. In the course of centuries, it has gotten worse. That's why people cry at weddings. "I can't still believe we are wasting money on this." Whenever i see somebody crying at a wedding, I say, "Don't worry. It probably won't work out."