iLiza Shlesinger talks about Girls Night Out Fun Drunk Time About Hating Each Other

Girls hate each other. She hates you, especially during the day. But when the moon comes up and there is white wine involve, "Oh my gawd, Stacy! You look amazing! I freaking love you. You notice the more drunker you get, the more spanish you speaking. "Oh mama sita. Muy caliente. Whoooo! Freakin love you chica."

But the more love you give to one girlfriend, the more love you must take away from another girlfriend. It's how we keep balance in the girl universe. "I love you. I love you I do. You know who I hate -- BECKY! She's a bitch. I hate her; eventhough, she drove me here, and I"m wearing her top.  Can I just tell you that? Can you not tell her that? Will you promise? Do you... will you not tell her? Do you pinky square? Do you pinky square? Even when we are freakin grown women that pays taxes and votes... This is iron clad. Do you pinky square? Come here. Take my hand. I want to talk to you here. No. Like earlier. She was like being like a bitch. Like what's her problem. I was like why you been like so rude. What like are you like bi polar, maniac. Like I freely use these phychological terms that I don't know what i'm talking about. Wait. wait. Is she looking? Did she hear me talking about her? Pretend we are not talking about her. Is she gone? Like earlier she was like being passive agressive. And like crazy. And like Muahahahahahahah."

Like she was being like a freak. Disrespecting me. I'm like no. When you do it, it's fine. Right? Because we get each other. Because we are both pices, which means nothing. Do you want to do that? Do you want to do a girls night? Freak yah! Why don't you come over? US weekly, Jennifer Aniston, hangout, but actually, watch a movie, and braid hairs, boogie board, light as a feather, have some candy, have some cake, have some cookie, have some martini, and a low fat pizza, and a gawd damn muffin, have a piece of cake and grande, 50 shades of gray. Sounds great Cindy! Sit on your couch till 2AM with no boy to makeout with. You have Grace Ananotomy on dvd? Awesome. Pop it in let's, let's. Where's your brother.

Christian Comedian, Michael Junior, Out Prays the Professional Priest

I remember going to church as an adult, right. For the first time I started going to church, and I would walk in. And the pasture said, "I want you to pray with your neighbor." And I'm like, "My neighbor don't go to this church. You want me to call my neighbor on the phone? That's creepy. I ain't going to do that."

And then he explained to me. Your neighbor is the person sitting right next to you. Listen. I'm brand new at this christian stuff. I don't. I don't even know I'm suppose to pray out loud. Let alone this lady.  I don't even know this lady. What am I suppose to pray about? "Lord help these bump goes down on this lady's face." I don't know what to pray about. I don't know what to pray about, right.

She went first, praying all good. She must have been John's Baptist Little sister. She was like, "Dear heavenly father, you said your word  in the sixth chapter, on the 33rd verse, the book of Matthew's, 600 first word on page 1248, Lord you said, but see as in search for anywhere, e as in excellent, k as in kingdom, alpha Lisa, jay ray, Jehovah, rota." I'm thinking, "Man she even knows her nick names."

Now, it's my turn to pray, right. But I don't have the spiritual vocabulary as this... But I am not going to let her out pray me, "So OK god. First of all  you are a good people. You know you are good. Lord, you were good to the last drop. Lord, uh. Lord, I just got obey
my thirst lord. You know cause choosy mom choose Jesus, so... Is the rocket red glare lord? It gave proof to the light lord. I believe I can fly. A men."

Gabriel Iglesias describes Indian People Robbing a Bank

I love and respect Indian People. I'm gonna tell you something right now. Indian people in the United States are the hardest working people that I have ever seen. And that's coming from a Mexican, okay. And I'll tell you why I say this. You will never seen an Indian person with a sign that says, "we'll work for food," in the United States. And you will never see an Indian person committing a crazy crime. Like when was the last time you remember an Indian robbing a bank. Everybody, "ah, I can't remember, bro." Cause it doesn't happen. First of all Indian people are so nice. And they are so  sweet. And I  can't see it. When you rob a bank, you need authority. You need come in gun blazing, "I said, get your ass on the ground now."

I can't imagine, "Would you please take the money. Why are you laughing?! I am talking to you. Forget this. I"m out of here. I don't need this."

He gets in the car. His partner waiting for him, "You get the money?"

"They would not give me the money."

"Did you show them the gun?"

"I show them the gun."

"We gotta to hurry. They are gonna call the police."

"They are still laughing."

"Where did you get the computer?"

"They thought I was tech support."

Jerry Seinfeld take on Airplanes with their little tiny details: directions, seat belts, and the snotty look

And then you get on the plane. The pilot, of course, has to always come on the P.A. system. This guy is so excited about being a pilot. He cannot even stand himself, "Well, I am going to take it up to about 20,000. And then I'm going to make a left by Pittsburgh. And then I'm gonna make a right by Chicago. And then I'm going to bring down 15,000." He gives you all this room and all his moves. We are in the back going, "Yeah, fine. That's all... You know. Do whatever hell you gotta do. You know.  It end up where we're going on the ticket, really."

Do I ever bother him on what I'm doing? Knocking on the cockpit door, "I'm having the peanuts now. Yeah, that's what we're doing back here. Thought I keep you posted. I'm not going to have em all now. I'm just gonna have a few. I don't want to finish it cause it's just a big bag."

Then the stewardess has to come out, and they have to do their little emergency equipment show, you know. That thing they do as the other one raise and acts it out, "Hey we have seat belts and oxygen mask. These are the things for you to use." They show you how to use the seat-belt. Just in case you have not been in a car since 1965. "Oh you lift up on the buckle? oh? I was trying to break the metal apart. I thought that's how it works. I was going to try to tear the fabric part of the belt. I thought if I get it started."

Then they always point out the emergency exit. It's always with that vague point. Isn't it? Where the hell would these places be? Planes in a 90 degree angle. Your hair is on fire, and you are looking for this. How do you think? She is thinking I'm getting out before you're getting out. You're dead. You're dead. I'm gone.

And then they always have to close that first class curtain too. And they always give you that little look, "Maybe if you were to work a little harder, I wouldn't have to do this."

It's all tiny world on an airplane. Isn't it. It's always that little tiny table there for the tiny computer, food, cramped seats, tiny utensils, tiny liquid bottles, tiny bathroom, tiny sink, tiny mirrors, tiny faucets. So the small problem will be a slight delay, "We will be a little late."

I always go in the airplane bathroom. Even if I don't have to go, I always go in there. It's nice. It's like your own apartment on the plane. Isn't it? Go in there lock the door. The lights come on after a couple of seconds. It's like a little surprise party.

But i know with the amount of equipment they have in that place... I mean it's a little, but they have tissue, towels, closets, compartments. There's a tiny slots for used razor blades. They always have that. Who is shaving on the plane? And shaving so much? They're using up razor blades. Is this what's happening? what is it? Is the wolf-man flying for crises sake? Who can shave that much?

Esau McGraw babysits his 3rd Grade Uncle

Got to get the money, so I can continue to avoid my family. They think I'm rich because I'm on tv. They all irregular man. Starting with my Grandma. Have 13 kids when she was way to young when she isn't suppose to. My mom also 13, get 8 kids of her own. She started getting them way to young when she isn't suppose to. I'm the middle of her 8. Long story short: I'm raising my uncle. He 9. I'm a grown man. He in 3rd grade. I'm his nephew. I pick up this punk from school. He jumps into my car, and he pulls up a family rant, "Fool make a left."

"I know where your house is. You living with me punk."

"When you go home. You better go to bed."

"No, you go to bed."

"No. you gonna go to bed."

"No. you gonna go to bed."

"You know my mama is yo mama's mama."

"I know. Yo mama is my mama's mama. Get your hands off my face uncle James."

My whole family is irregular. My cousin lost 115 pounds. They don't tell you is when you lose that much weight. You are gonna have all that extra skin left. This dude come to my house to go swimming. He took off his shirt. I'm like, "Man, what you doing, wearing that leather cape. Tuck your saggy back in. Nobody want to see that." He jump in the water. His skin expanded. He glide around the pool like a sting ray.

James Adomian loves Playing Gay Football at Center Position with the Hottest Quarterback

Hey Y'all, How you doing? Uh, I'm excited because football season is around the corner. Yeah, I play football for many years. I'm just curious. Anybody else here play football? No? Oh okay, I got a couple of them. Were you by any chance a closeted gay kid on the football team, like I was? That was fun. That was fun. I was really good at that. You should try it sometimes if you have eligibility. I was actually a center. That was the position I played, and center is the perfect position for a gay kid for the football team. Because you are the one bent over and you are hiking the ball through your legs to the quarterback, the hottest guy in the known universe. And that's your job. And you just like, "I'm ready whenever you are, Patrick." That's obviously not my radio voice, but that's still my inner closet voice that I carried with me. Outwardly, it's more like, "Alright dudes, let's show this other Christian team which side Jesus wants to kick ass. And I know what you want to do, Patrick. I don't need to know the snap count because I can feel the energy in your fingers. And you want the ball now. And now I gonna keep all the other boys away from you. You're mine." I was good at football. That's how  you play that sport. Well, I should change Patrick's name because he is a real guy. He's out there.

So I am gay. I'm openly gay. It's my thing. I'm a proud homo american. That's a weird. That's a phrase maybe George W. Bush would have used, "I'm proud of all those homo americans out there. And I'm solely salute for their service. But I firmly believe that the constitution between 1 man and 1 woman. God bless you all to death."

I'm gay. Sorry ladies. Your welcome fellas. Are there any gay people here tonight? I'm just curious. We got a few. That's alright. That's enough so we can fight our way out of here if we have to. Is anybody here in the closet? Uh, I thought I check as long as I'm asking. I think it would be amusing if you could pull off being a public figure and be openly in the closet. If you can somehow make that happen, like a comedian. Like, "it's my thing. I'm a comic, and I'm in the closet. What? It's my life. I talk about it on stage. You gonna see my show, you gonna see some hot closeted comedy.

The guy come on the street, and says, "I want to know you sexually." I look him right in the eyes, and I said, "Never mind what I said. The point is words were exchange. And maybe something else. You don't know. I'm telling it as it may or may not be, here in the closet. Open the door. Take a peek. Then close the door. We like it dark in here. I do my thing. You do your thing. I pretend to do your thing."

Bill Burr on Marriage, Divorce, Equal Opportunity Women, and Why Titanic is a Scary Movie

How's it going? Great. It's nice to be here.

I'm at that age where everybody is getting married. Let me ask you question. Why do people keep on getting married? You know what I mean. Anybody looking at the stats? I mean 3 out of 4 marriage go right down the shit hole, right. If you were going skydiving, and they told you 3 out of 4 parachutes were not going to open, yo f this. I'm not going. I don't like those odds. I have a 75% chance of splatting on the ground. But there is something about getting married, people just have to do it, right? They are like, "Is this the one, to lose half my shit? Awesome. This is gonna be great."

Nah, I'm just kidding. I love women. I'm just not compatible with them. They have too much energy for me. They always have to be doing something. You know. They can't take a day off. You know. You can't get a day off when you have a girlfriend. They just like sees that open day. They'll be like, "Oh my gawd. Let's fill it up with shit." It just come with you with one horrible idea after another. They have the worse ideas. They do. Have you ever get this one? They'll be like, "Do you want to go to brunch? You want to go to brunch on Sunday?" Inside, you are like, "F-in no!" You can't say that. You got to keep her happy, right? So what do you do? You agree, "Yeah, let's go to brunch. What a great idea. Why would you want to sleep in on a Sunday. When you can pay $52 for eggs. Now you're thinkin." Then we can sit around, and listen to your friend make moronic conversation about the eggs. You know like, "Is that pesto? Is that pesto in your omelet? Oh, it's asparagus. It's asparagus."

I was dating this girl recently. She was really into women issues. You know. Like women always go on tv, and they say all they wanted to be treated exactly like guys. But if you listen to them, they don't. All they want is the good shit of being a guy. They are cherry picking. They look at a guy's life like a buffet, right? Like you start picking out stuff  like, "Staying for an hour. I'll take some of that. You paying for the movie. F that. You can keep that. No nah nah. That's nice. This is yucky.  That's icky." Come on people. You can't choose. This girl gives me shit. Why does guy get paid more an hour to do exact same job. I'll go I'll tell you why. Because in unlikely event when we are both on a titanic, and it starts to sink, for some f up reason, you get to leave with the kids. And I have to stay. That's why I get more dollar per hour. It's a dollar an hour surcharge. You hear a bump in the night. I got to go check it out, "Yes, he does have a knife." Anytime there is a hostage situation, who they negotiate for? "At least let the women and children go." Well, what about me! You think I want to stay in the vault, with 20 other sweaty guys, sharing a bag of peanuts. You know. Praying to god i'm not the hostage that get dragged out by the psycho, with a gun to my head, asking for the cops for a helicopter. Which I know he is not gonna get, right? I know he is not getting a helicopter. Now, I gotta make idle conversation with the 38 to my head, going, "Go for a rent a car. I think you should go for a rent a car."

See what I am saying. Where are all those feminist then? You can't find them. They have no feminist in a house fire. You can take the most hard core feminist, and go, "you showoff sonny bitch, you know." Little short hair cut you know. 2nd those flames break out, she twist those hair into pigtails, "I'm just a girl. I want to go play jump rope."

That's why I hate the movie, titanic. Every girl I meet, think that movie is romantic. It's irritating. "That's really romantic. Don't you think?" It's like, "No!" It's a f in horror film. Then they are always like why. Cause all the guys die. See you watch it, trying to relate, "who I'll be?" You will be that chick float away in that piece of luggage, right? I'm watching like who I be. I'll be that dude. The boat breaks in half. The dude falls straight down. Bang off the shit, and goes off the water. That's who I be. I'll be wearing a tuxedo. Not cause I wanted to, but because you wanted to dress up that night, right?

Bill Burr on Justin Bieber Epic Basketball Shot and Glaring Look

The Justin Bieber thing upset you at all? Or do you feel... I mean this is a guy who is getting alot of attention.

I have no problem with any of his behavior. Like if I was his age, and you know, I had, you know, like... What does he have? I really do not know what he has. Ferarri? A lamborgini

Something like that...

Yeah... Every chick out there wants to bang yah... Like how are you suppose to... how are you suppose to behave? Limos? He has a limo driver at 19, and he is not going to a prom. It's like he is going to an arena, where everyone is screaming his name. His behavior is completely normal. The only thing that I didn't like was that... that shot he was playing hoop.

It went viral I think. He was playing basketball, and he took a shot. It went in.

Yeah, he was playing with his black friend that he paying to lose. Dude, if that dude wins, he is onto the entourage. You know his phone is blowing up, and was like, "You don't understand how this works. I have to lose, or else I gotta get a job." I just didn't like... He hit a layup, a 12 footer. And then he turns around, and he's like glaring at the camera. Like I said he couldn't do it or something.

He does. He looks into the camera like, "I showed all of you."

I never saw Jordan do that.

There he is...

Like he just did something... Doesn't even look like the net was regulation. Like one of those. And he just sittin there... Nah, I'm just watching it, and having empathy for him. Like, "yeah, like that what I would be doing." I'm surprised he is not doing blow. That's what I would have done, right. And then I get that look, and I was just like, "you know what. Just F this guy." He is gonna look back, "I shouldn't have done that." He's 19 years old. I'm rootin for him.

Baron Vaughn sings Disney Theme Songs Duck Tales, Dark wing Duck, Rescue Rangers, Gummy Bears

Around of applause if you have useless information in your head. Yes! Exactly! Speaking of music cause I have... I can't...can't get useless information out of there. You know. My brain just stacks up information like an episode of hoarders, and I can't... There's just things I can't just do anything... like it took me forever to figure out to be in a relationship... cause every time I want to put that somewhere, there's always someone like, "Sorry, Duck Tale theme songs are in here." That's them stacking the lyrics, fragmenting the lyrics.

And you know what that is not use for knowing that information. You cannot use that information in some sort of relationship in a fight that you might get into. Someone is like, "You know. I don't think you know how to communicate, relax, or just express yourself to anything to any human being. Any response to what I'm saying to you. "Life is like a hurricane. It is Duck Berg." What the hell are you talking about? "Race car blazing, airplane. It's a Duck Blur." And then she walks out and slams the door, which is great, and then I can freaking jam out man."Life, it's all a mystery or we rewrite history. Duck Tales. oooo oooo." I believe that was Pavlov was talking about. Yes. Wooo oooo. I was checking to see that is how you were feeling tonight.

By the way, I'm sorry if you just listen to that and you have no idea what I'm talking about. I'm sorry. I apologize if you do not know. I apologize to you as a human being if you do not know the early 90's Disney cartoon theme songs. Because it means you have missed out on THE definition of someone going for it. Because whoever sing those songs. Pulled no punches. There was a level of commitment that went straight into your soul. It's the closest... sadly, i think, the closest of my generation to Sam Cook or Marvin Gaye at their prime, at their prime... Donnie Hathaway commitment. Where you like, "Oh shit, is there danger right behind me?!" All of those. All those lyrics, such passion...

Cha cha chip and Dale, Rescue Ranger! Chip and Dale! When there's danger! Oh weeee oh Tale Spin. Oh wee aye. Tale spin. Dark wing Duck! Uh! Let's get dangerous! Goof troupe. We will always live together. Gummy Bears!

Then there's a key change that Aretha Franklin goes, "oh shit, I will live up to it."

Ron Funches Belongs in Oregon, and Loves the Muppet Babbies

My name is Ron Funches. I'm originally from the south side of Chicago, Illinois. Thank you. It deserves respect. Chicago is a rough place to grow up in. Especially if you are the only brother around the block that's bumpin Alanis Morissette. If you all want to know, I moved to Oregon, and I love it here. It reminds of Chicago with subtle differences. In Chicago, it was like, "oh snap, it's a crack head," Or "Oh snaps, it's a gang member." In Oregon, it has been, "oh snap? the blackberry season. It's a delicious situation I'm in.

Very happy that I left Chicago. I feel that I have never left I would have never tried some things that I would love and enjoy like ice coffee or white women. Those are both good. I'm just kidding. Coffee is gross. Every time I drink some, I get really sick, which leads me to believe I maybe allergic to energy, which I later found out it's not something you can put on a medical marijuana application. That's ridiculous. Marijuana has so many uses. when i have it, i write pretty much awesome jokes. When I run out, I still write pretty awesome poetry. I'm gonna share one with you guys, "I don't need new friends." That one is called just my thoughts.

Cause there's always one that tries to make me feel bad about what you enjoy. I call these people my parents-in-law. We have a weird relationship. I kind of treat them like a Walmart, which I'll explain. It means I really don't like going to them for anything. I prefer it that they stay out of my town, but I get a strange satisfaction from stealing from them. Glad that I'm not alone on that one. Mostly we don't get along cause they don't think I can smoke pot anymore now that I have a child. That I should be more responsible. I don't believe those things relate. In fact, I believe if we are going to sit around, watching cartoon, all day anyways. My son does not like the cartoon that I enjoy. We have to watch his.

I want to watch my favorite, like the Muppet Babies. Some people don't know the Muppet Babies. Everybody knows the Muppet. They did it, and have babies.  The babies were given a show, and it's a little weird. You can tell by the theme song. It starts off beautiful. It's just, "Muppet Babies will make our dreams come true. Bop doo wop doo. Muppet babies will do the same for you." And that part is beautiful. There were dreams coming true for everybody. But then it takes a turn. The next verse is, "If your room looks kind of weird and you wish you weren't there, then close your eyes, and make a believe. You can be anywhere. Oooo oooo." And that's pretty f*cked up. And I told my son, "If your room looks kind of wired and you wish you weren't there, do not make believe. Call the cops." They have made an error of some kind.

Perhaps I should get a real job, but they are so difficult to get. I don't currently have a good job hunting look I believe. You guys kindheartedly agreed. I have a useful look. I found out I have a look that makes a homeless go, "Can I have a... oh never mind."

John Mulaney is a Terrible Driver. He only knows about the Cosby Show.

Now when people make fun of me, I deserve it. Uh, I do. When people get mad at me now, it's all my bad. I'm a terrible driver. I know nothing about cars. I meant to learn about cars, but I forgot. Nothing that I know can ever help out with your cars ever. Unless you're like, uh, "Oh, I got a flat tire, does anybody here knows a lot about the Cosby Show?"

"Oh perhaps, I can be some assistance."

I'm one of the worst drivers I have ever seen. And I just want you to know that if you are in highway behind me. Uh I hear you honking. And I also don't want me to be doing what I'm doing. I don't like that I am in that lane either, but i sure like to get out of it.

I was on the highway in Texas recently. Highway filled with 13 years old, and I was on the far left lane. And as I was in the far left lane, it turned into a U turn, a U turn only lane. And I started to make a U turn. Then I panicked cause I didn't want to make a U turn, so I put the car in reverse. And then merged right back on the highway. The best thing about that was that after that, cars were pulling up, and looking over to see who just did that piece of shit move, expecting to see like a hundred year old blind dog whose texting while driving and drinking a smoothie. Instead they see a 28 year old, healthy man, trying his best.

George Bush and Waitress Asking for a Quickie

When George W. Bush was campaigning during an Ohio primary,
he and an assistant dropped into a small luncheonette.

"Oh, Mr. Bush," smiled the attractive waitress. "We're
so honored. Have anything on the menu on us. What would
you like?"

Bush studied the menu for a few moments and then said to
the waitress, "You know what I'd like, honey. I'd like a quickie."

The waitress slammed her pad on the table and said, "I
don't care if you are running for President, no one talks that
way to me." And she walked away.

"I don't know what she's so huffy about," said Bush. "It says
right here on the menu: quickie."

"Mr. Bush," said his assistant. "It's pronounced quiche."

Who Wants to be a Millionaire? Irish answered the correct Bird

Do you guys remember, the game show, Who wants to be a Millionaire? No? Well, it's a game show, where they ask a series of questions until you win a million dollars. You get 3 life lines to achieve that goal.

Anyhow, the contestant was 1 question away from a million dollars. The question was, "Which bird does not build it's own nest?" 

A. Hummingbird

B. Blue Jay

C. Kuckoo

Or D. Dodo Bird

The contestant said, "I am clueless. I'm feeling not confident and a tad bit overwhelmed. I'm going to use my last life line, and use my phone a friend. I will call up my buddy in Ireland."

The host, "Okay then. Let's call him up."

He explained the question to his friend in Ireland, and his friend said, "Dat's Fookin Easy. It's C, C kuckoo. I'm Fookin Sure it's C."

The contestant said, "Ok, buddy. I trust you. C is my answer."

The host, "Ok then. Let's lock in C, Kuckoo." Long pregnant pause, "You know what? You got yourself a million dollars." The crowd went crazy. Balloons and confetti everywhere, flying across the whole stage. To celebrate, the contestant flew all the way to Ireland to thank his friend. "Thank you buddy, but how in the world did you know C, Kuckoo, was the only bird that did not build it's own nest."

His buddy replied back, "Because it Foookin Lives in a Clock."

  

Louis CK - Big Complaints about Cell Phones And Flying

It's amazing how different shit is now. And it hasn't been this way for a long time. It has been a very short time. Everybody has a phone in their pocket. Just a few years ago nobody had their phone. It was just the pone. It was this thing, the phone. That was n a room in your house, and then dial this freaking thing, the rotor. And you had to turn it. [rrrrrrr....]. You had to pay people with zero with their number.

This dude has a zero and nine. How bad do i want to talk to that piece of shit. It's too much work.

Now we have this, which is amazing. You have these phone that you can call in a air strike. You can look at the top of your own head. It's amazing this shit and wasted on the shitiest piece of asshole. I square to gawd. We are the worst people. Because we have this beautiful thing, and we hate it. We are just, "duh nuh." I have never seen a person going, "Look what my phone can do..." Nobody does that. They all go, "Fu**ing thing grrrrr. sucks....I can't get it to..."

Give it a second. Would yeah? Could you give it a second. It's going to space. Can you give it a second? From space. Is this speed of light too slow for you? You noncontributing product sponge cunt. Can you just wait?!?! Can you just wait? And just take a little breathe. Just wait for the picture of axle rose to get on your phone. Like it doesn't f***in matter what you are doing. We are all so mad, "I hate my phone. It sucks."

No it doesn't. It's amazing. The shitiest cellphone in the world is a miracle. Your life sucks around the phone. Why are you so mad at it. People say the craziest thing, "I hate verizon." What are you talking about? How can that feeling exist? "I hate verizon." Why? Did they fire you and take away your pension? "No just a couple of times it went weird for a second. I hate them!"

Hate Verizon? Then make your own then. You go make one. Make your own network. Get some hubcaps and climb some trees. See how close yours to perfect. Why would it be perfect? It is as good as it is. Why do we expect it to be freaking perfect all the freaking time. We are not contributing. We are not helping it to be perfect.  We don't even know what it is that's being involved. You have any idea what is involved taking your time that you said that no one ever needs to hear ever.

When you text, "hey what's up dude?" And an invisible magic angel takes it. Gawd damn it. When did you send me that text? If I sent you a month ago, it's amazing. I'm 41. I'm still amaze about this shit in my life. I was in a plane once about a month ago. They had high speed wireless internet on the plane. They had never done that before. They explained it to us that we are the first aircraft. I open my laptop, and I'm online. I'm looking at youtube and shit while we are flying. Then it broke down. The woman says, "I'm sorry we have to fix the internet, so it's down for the rest of the flight.

You didn't even know it existed 30 seconds ago. People on the plane are the worst. People on the plane complain.

Mitch Fatel wants a Black Friend to celebrate our diferences

I have lots of friends. I want a black friend. Everybody on TV has a black friend. And their black friend always says  funny stuff. I would love my black friend. We would go ice skating. And I would braid his hair. And my black friend would say something funny like, "Hey black friend. Pass the salt." And he would be like, "Slavery days are over boy." And then we would laugh. And high five, and celebrate our differences.

2 Broke Girls - Push Pop Gag Reflex Hansel and Gretel

That wasn't a push pop Andy; I was happy to see you.

You didn't destroy anything. It's a good to let him know right off the bat that you have a gag reflex.

I think you are missing out because you 2 are perfect for each other. You're like Hansel and Gretel.

They were brother and sister.

2 Broke Girls - Cheap and Unrefined And the 1st Orgasm

Besides that's not much of a dance floor. It's more of a STD mosh pit.

Was. Was a princess. Now she has 5 pairs of underwear, and hasn't done laundry in 8 days.

Boner Blocker.

No jalapenos. I know. That's the devil's garnish.

It's just a panic attack. It's his first orgasm. The paramedics  said he will be just fine. I think that's what they said. It's pretty hard to hear behind the laughter.

2 broke girls - Is it hot or cold in here Cause I'm about to Yak

If I learn anything as a child, when a stranger offers you candy, you say, "yes."

Look at all the candies inside this space. It's like we are in willy wonka's colon.

Small store. I can hear you.

Gum drops, gummy bears, gummy worms, gummy pizza. Oooo. I just had a gummy gasm.

Is it hot and cold in here.

Relax, it's your lady parts waking up from hibernation.

Jim Gaffigan Goes Bowling Ball for a Lazy Sweaty Cause Called Out of Shape

I went bowling, I don’t mean to brag. Really there are 2 types of people that go bowling. There are people that really really love bowling. And there are  people that are like, "Wouldn't it be hysterical if we went bowling."

For most of us, bowling is an activity you do after you've done everything else.  It's like, "Well, we could go bowling or we could just hang ourselves. Why don’t we go bowling?" No one is ever jealous when they hear you went bowling, "Oh you went bowling, glad I couldn't make it."

Bowling’s great, you gotta love a sport you can eat while you play it. You never see that in tennis, "Hey before you serve lemme dig into these nachos."  It’s a different sport, there is an ash tray built into the bowling equipment. Poker doesn't even have that. And that hand dryer thing. If you are sweating while you are bowling, you’re out of shape. If you’re out of shape and you’re bowling, you're probably a professional bowler.

Nothing really healthy about bowling. It has to be the germ-a-phoebes nightmare, "Here, put on these moist shoes 10,000 people wore. And stick your fingers in these dirty holes. Now you have the flu." How dirty are those holes. It’s not like those balls wear out. They probably haven’t manufactured a bowling ball in a 1,000 years. Someone is out there using Fred Flintstones right now. That is preposterous.

I don’t own a bowling ball cause I’m not a weirdo, "Yeah I want to volunteer to carry around a 50 pound ball. Can you put it in a big ugly purse? That’s how I want to meet the ladies. Couldn't help but notice you staring at my purse. It’s filled with a big blue ball. Mind if I follow you around the parking lot. I’ll just be humming…hmmmm…ball in the bag. That’s the worst song ever."

I always have to pick out my bowling ball. I can never find the right one. I’m like, "This one is too heavy. This one is good, but it’s pink.  My fingers don’t fit."  How do they decide on those finger sizes, they are either for a 5 year old girl or the incredible hulk. How big are some people’s fingers. Some guy wearing a catchers mitt, "Yeah it’s good. I can still catch the game don’t worry about it." Those bowling shoes, no update there, "You need our special shoes before you can roll our magic ball."

Some people have their own bowling ball, and their own bowling shoes, and no friends. "That’s mean." I can say that cause I like bowling. I watch bowling on TV cause I use my time wisely. I saw this college team championship. Each team had their own coach. What kind of strategy advice is a bowling coach giving, "You know what, this time Timmy, I want you to knock down all the pins. You sure? Trust me. Just do it son!"  "That’s weird."

Bowling seems silly, yet we all take it very seriously right? Til you get that first gutter ball. We're like, "Let me show you how it’s done, hahaha." This is a stupid sport. There is few moments in life as humiliating as that gutter ball. The worst part is then you have to make that turn back to your friends, "That ball is broken. It’s tilted down there."

You never want to be the worst bowler of the group because then everyone treats you like you have cancer, "You can do it! We’re praying for you." The advice starts, "use a heavier ball, keep your arm straight, you should get a vasectomy."

If you are really bad at bowling like me they’ll ask if want the bumpers up. Not that bowling is that complex anyway, "You want the bumpers? We can get rid of the pins. Why don’t you take this coloring book and sit in the corner."

But I like bowling, it’s perfect for the lazy man. No other sport has a machine that rolls the ball back to you at arm level, "Alright, I’ll keep playing. Is there any way I can do this in a chair or something."

Gabriel Iglesias Pulling a Prank on the Cop by Switching Seats

And if you're gonna drink and you are thinking about driving, don't do it. You know, it's not a good idea cause like i said.  You know when you are drunk when you're doing laps in the parking lot, and you can't find the exit. Hello!

Some of you make it out to the streets. You know when you're drunk, you're like you know (car driving over rumble strips)... Behind you, you hear...(honking)

"Shut up stupid!"

You know, if you hear... If you hear the magical sound... (siren). One of two things will pop into your head. Either one... "I'm okay. I'm fine. I can beat this." Or two...(wailing siren). "I'm gonna go to jail. I'm gonna go to jail. I'm gonna be...Tell the kids I love them, bye." (car driving over rumble strips).

I'm gonna tell you right now, again. If you can make the police laugh, you have a chance. If you do get pulled over for drunk driving, okay, pull over as slowly and as safely as you can. Get over to the, you know... (rumble strips and brake screeching).

Now, if you know for a fact that you are going to go to jail, okay, you're already, "I'm gone." Have a little fun. I don't mean take off in a high speed pursuit.. No, no, don't do that, cause you're not gonna get very far. I mean, if you're drunk and you know you're gonna go to jail, you know, you have tinted windows, have a little fun.

Take off your seat belt, jump over to the passenger side, throw your seatbelt on. And wait for the cop. YOu have no idea how bad you're gonna throw his ass off, you guys. He's gonna come over to the drivers side with a flashlight. You're sitting there just... "He was here a second ago. I don't know where he went. What me drive? Oh, hell no, i'm fucked up."

Jerry Seinfeld talks about skydiving and the future of style and clothing Alien suit

Skydiving was definitely the scariest think I have ever done. Let me ask this question regards to the skydiving. What is the point of the helmet in the skydiving. I mean... can you kinda make it?

You jump out of that plane that shoot open. The helmet is now wearing you for protection. Later on the helmet is talking, going "It's a good thing he was there or else I would hit the ground directly. Never jump out of the plane unless you got a human being strap underneath you. That's the basic of safety."

There's many thing that we can point to as proof that human beings are not smart. The helmet is my personal favorite. The fact that we had to invent the helmet. Now why did we invent the helmet. Well because we were participating many activities that were cracking our heads. We look at the situation. We choose not to avoid these activities.

But Just to make little plastic hats, so we can continue our head cracking life style. The only thing dummer than the helmet is the helmet law. The point is protect the brain that is functioning so poorly. It's not even trying to stop the cracking of head that it is in.

At least the helmet is functioning clothing. I really appreciate that. Clothing for me for the most part is a tremendous pain in the ass. If you think the amount of time, mental effort, physical energy that goes into your clothes, picking and buying them. I don't think I can wear that. The button is dirty. I think we should all wear the same exact clothes. Because it seems to happen eventually anyway.

Anytime you see a movie or tv show. There's people from the future or another planet. They are all wearing the same outfit. I think the decision is made, "Alright everybody from now on we all wearing the vsuit, gray suit. we want to visit other planet. We look like a team here. Individuality is over."

Russel Peter talks about Indian Accents

I'm going to let out a secret about indian people. Indian people are fully aware of how our accent sound like. We don't need you...

We know what it exactly sound like.

We know we don't have the coolest accent in the world.

"Hey man, aren't we cool. We are going to meet all the biatches today. I'm pimpin."

It's an accent. We're not death.

"Hey Jim, you hear that guy? He's looking for pain... ha ha ha."

Indian accent is good for cutting tension. Picture a court room drama.

"You honor. My client would like to plead guilty."

Canadian white people, you have an accent. I don't know if you are aware of it, sir. You might be a rich Canadian person, but you are a minority.

They can't control their head. "Geezes Christ... Can you get a load of the jugs of that one?"

White folks have accent also. I can prove to you. When you square, you sound like donkeys.

"Fuuuuu....you.... Buuuuulll...shiiiiii...."

Bobby Lee talks about Korean and Asian Life

I grow my hair like this. I just want to get this out of the way. Asian people look alike, and I want to look a little different. But asian people don't know I'm asian now. They walk up to me like, "what the heck are you?! Let me take picture. It's an Ewok!"

I'm posing.

I think the worst thing about being asian american in this country is when people guess my nationality. I hate that. I'm Korean. I'll tell you, but don't guess.

I was at the party once, and this blonde walks up to, "are you like chinese? are you like chinese?"

And I said no, "are you like brunette? Get out of here."

And stupid guesses too, "Hey man are you so.."

And white people are the worst cause when they guess my nationality correctly. It's like they won a game show. "Hey man are you Korean?"

"yes I am."

"i knew it. i knew it!!!"

"what the hell? you want some money?"

You gotta be proud of you are folks.

Eddie Izzard on Computers, Macs, and iTunes

Very sexy computer, Apple Macintosh Computers. In the old days, porn would take forever to download. You remember that. Friends tell me. Friends who can spell porn.

But now a days. Would you like a software update. Yeah. Yeah. I have one of those. It's like a late thing.

Time becomes a weird thing. 7 minutes to download. 5 minutes to download. 2 minutes to download. Then 9 minutes to download. 7 hours to download. light year to download.

Then it starts asking you question. Will you sign a new agreement with itunes. I sign many agreements with itune. I don't know what they want from any more. Surely they know i agree with them. I'm there. Why do they keep checking? Like I am going away. No I no longer agree. We all agree.

Then they makes us liars. You said you read the terms and condition. No one read the terms and condition. Even the lawyers.

Then you have to reboot thing. Everybody out of the car. Then everybody back in the car.

Kevin Hart talks about 2 kids being like clowns

Lot of shit is going on with my life right now. Just had another baby, 2 babies. They both mine, and I can't say shit about it either. Two kids. Two car seats. That's depressing right there. Have you ever try talking to a girl in your car? It won't happen. It's depressing.

"Come here babe."

"what's that in the back of your car?"

"Hey, look at me. Let's focus on the positive, and less on the negative. I'm trying to talk to you about serious stuff now."

Kids man. Kids change your life. I know I am getting older cause of the kids. I start to fuss alot. I don't know what I'm mad about. You wake up mad. Wake up angry.

"Hey. Here's the biz."

I just yell at my son just because.

"Hold your head still son."

That shit is so embarrassing.

I get mad. So mad. That you want to fight your kid. Kids are ass holes. My daughter is an asshole. She is. She argues about everything.

I knew what she was saying by her head moving.

I'm really protective with my baby now. We got a little altercation. My daughter thought it was a game. Throw the ball back.

My family looks bad as a unit. We look like clowns. Now we have to wear solid colors, so we can look like a team. Solid colors.

Godfrey talks about the Hot Summer Digging for a Solution

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I know it's all warm out. Do you like the summer? You like the humidity when your ass is wet for 3 hours? Do you like that? Your ass is dripping? You need a diaper. Do you like that? Your underwear goes right up your ass. Does that feels good?

Don't hate it, waiting for the train, and it's 2000 degrees? Your underwear goes right up your ass, and your like, "darn it. And how do i guess this out of my butt. I'll just act like I'm looking for change. Where's that quarter I'm looking for?"

Katt Williams talks about Gas, Meeting Rich Folks, and Living Large

Pasadena: 138 degrees during the day, and 36 at night. A pimp don't know what to wear. I got some fur coat, swim trunks, and an umbrella because I don't know what may happen...

I am just hear to remind all minorities. Whatever is going on the world today. You got to be happy by whatever you got in life right now. That's my message because the world is crazy right now. What is gas? 600 dollars per gallon now?

You are not suppose to be at the gas station making life decision. With 10, 15 dollars, you can go to the gas station with confidence, and have time to bond with your vehicle: clean the dashboard, check your CDs, and go inside to buy some Pringles. Now the whole experience is ruined.

I live in hollywood now. I am finding everthing is real, and it ain't even real. I met DMX. The fool is 2 inches taller than me. I thought he was six feet, but he is my size. I said, "Fool, why are you hollering. We in a restaurant."

I just find out I can't be friends with Shaq. How can I congrats on his game. When he has thing on my forehead. I don't even like basketball.

Then you get rich friend. Martin Lawrence is my friend. He has a 36 million dollar house. You can do anything with a 36 million dollar house. He has everything: he got a theather, basketball court, a bouncy area.

Now I am in my house, feeling all ungrateful. Where am I going to watch a movie? On a TV?!

There are two type of weeds: rookie and professional.
It's me and snoop and two brothers. These fool has sniff 4 blunts.

Jamie Foxx Talks About Relationships on the Piano

Relationships. Do  you love them, or you hate them? I hate them. 

Don't you hate it fellas when you get involve with somebody, and then you trip.   You fall in love, but you don't anticipate doing.  Don't you ever get jealous.   Don't jealous make you do some silly stuff. The person ain't even with you, but you see somebody that you think she might like, "Look at this Mofo looking all good."

Where you get tired of each other.  It's the same old thing.  You say it's white, and I say it's black.  And all you want to say is, "F-U."

Hallelujah!  Sound like he broke two ribs.  God is good.  God is great.  Reach in your pocket, and give me all you money please. 

Jamie starts singing at the end of the youtube video.  

That's how we became the brady bunch. Brady Bunch, and my love... long falsetto.  Then break it down like Babyface. Or break it down like Luther Vandros.  Some ad lib.  Plus, what if it was Prince. High shrieking sound.  

 

Whitney Cummings obsessed with Twilight Romance

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Whitney Cummings - Obsessed With "Twilight"
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I think all that stuff: marriage and babies. Women, we are obsessed with romance. We are brainwashed by romantic movies. I recently saw these movies called Twilight. They are so romantic. Vampires in madly in love with this girl. I came out of the movie. I was like, "I have to marry a vampire!" It make us obsessed. Do not let your girlfriend watch this movie. She will leave your ass.

Boyfriend - "Baby what's wrong."

Girlfriend - "I don't know honey. I want to date somebody who can fly."

I just want to date a vampire. It would be totally bad ass.
Don't make me go to the GNC and get some garlic. I'm thinking about putting the sunroof down.

Sinbad talks about Marriage, Team, and Bad Vision

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Marriage is about growing old together.  Marriage is about falling apart at the same time. That's what make it special. You live long enough (the two of you become one good person). You become one.  One can see. One can hear. One can walk. One can use a hand. You need each other. You have to go to movie together. One listens. One watches. You become a team.  One got a good right hip. One got a good left hip, so they can balance.  They so cute together.  No. They fall down. They need one another.

Once you've been somebody with so long, they just understand. If you have the same vision, you share glasses. You have glasses all over the house.  I think it's behind the stove.

I always had 20/20 vision all my life.  I can't see now.  You know how I found out?  I'm in the movie theater , and I was like, "Where's the focus at?" Usually people would join in with you, but they were like, "You might want to move down towards the front, Sinbad."

Now, I have this progressive glasses, so i can see far at the top and close at the bottom.  People say I can drive with it. Oh no you can't. You gotta learn the sweet spot. You gotta find the sweet spot. You know how many time I stop at the stop sign, and it's where out there somewhere.

Hayes MacArthur dated a Russian Girlfriend

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Hayes MacArthur - Booty Calls
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Anyone in here been in a long term relationship. By long term. I mean you're having sex same person twice a week with no comments. That's love, right? That's true love isn't? Where we can get to that stage?

I was in a long term relationship for a while. I was dating this Russian girl. Apparently, when Americans speak to people, where English is their second language, we have a tendency to be very condescending. We speak very slowly and condescendingly to them, right?

We used to get into fights all the time. I walk into the bathroom, and say, "Honey, you left the curling iron ON for 4 hours. That's hot. Tshhh. Tshhh. Cause fire."

She would say, "Don't talk to me like I'm idiot. You think cause I have blonde hair, big boobs, and an accent that makes me stupid."

I said, "No, I think because you have blonde hair, big boobs, and an accent that makes you tolerable."

So we broke up.

First Kiss Advice: How I Met Your Mother

I did not chicken out. You know what?! I don't need to take "first kiss" advice from some pirate who has not been single since the first week of college.

Ted, anyone who's single would tell you the same thing. Even the dumbest single person alive. And if you don't believe me, call him.

Hey loser, how's not playing laser tag cause playing laser tag is awesome.

Hey listen, I need your opinion on something.

Okay, meet me at the bar in 15 minutes, and SUIT UP!

So these guys think I chickened out. What do you think?

I can't believe you're still not wearing a suit.

She even didn't give me the signal.

What. She is going to bat her eyes in Morse code. Ted. Kiss me. No. You just kiss her.

Did Marshall give me the signal?

No! I didn't. I square.

At least tonight, I get to sleep, knowing Marshall and me will never gonna happen. You should have kissed her.

A week? That's a year in hot girl time. She will forget everything about you. Mark my words. You will never going to see that girl again.

Tammy Pescatelli talks about The Playboy Mansion Party Charity Event

I did this thing at the charity show for the Playboy Foundation. I don't know what their charity is. Thirteen year old boys who goes blind for reading a magazine. I don't know.

I go to this party. I don't fit in. I'm not very girlie. These girls are size double zero. I mean they are beautiful, but they are mean (because they are hungry).

I'm just a girl from the neighborhood. You know who's there? That Paris Hilton girl. Oh I'm proud of her. She's breaking down barriers. Proof you don't have to be poor to be white trash.

Somebody needs to say this stuff. You don't have to be perfect. What's going on woman. You can't be. This girl came up to me, "Uhm. Excuse me. Who did your boobs?"

I go, "God..."

She goes, "Where's his office?"

I go, "Jerusalem. Now get away from me. Don't you think I had that kind of money. I had my nose fix first. What's wrong with you."

It's just fun for me. I don't know what I was doing at the stupid party. I drank a little bit too much. When women get drunk, they have to announce it, "I'm drunk whooooo! Hi five. Hi five."

And in that second, every guys head goes, "whooof!" Ding, ding, ding. We got a winner. Cause for men it's like watching the Discovery Channel. They wait for the weak one to fall off of the heard.

You know who else is there at that stupid party? Donald Trump. His hair is so bad that it would be less distracting if we had a hairy midget to sit on his head.

Pete Holmes figures out Nonfiction

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I want to get this out of the way. I am a dummy. See that. That's my dummy face.

I give you an example. Every time I am in the library or a bookstore and I see the phrase nonfiction, I have to figure it out (in my head).

Let's be clear. I'm 30. I went to college. I finished.

I see nonfiction. I freeze like, "Nonfiction. Fiction. Not True. Nonfiction. Not non true. Double not truth. Not. Not open parentheses. Not true. Screw that. I'm reading Hustler. That's both at the same time, true and false."

Anjelah Johnson - Sneaking into a Night Club

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Anjelah Johnson - Sister's ID
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I was fourteen years old, trying to sneak into the club. I used my sister's ID. The only problem was she was there too.

We would look real cute too. We would have on like these tight, black pants and really cute top. We got from the store that would be Forever 21, but back in the days it was Close Time... Judy's, or Miller's Outpost.

And we would smell good too because we would douse ourselves in exclamation... or sunflowers (real quick).

We had a system too. My sister would go first. Show the bouncer her ID. Then, pass it back (to the end of the line where i would be waiting).

We had a routine with our friends too. We'd be like okay, "So when I get to the front, start talking to me right away, so he won't get a good look at my face. For reals. Don't mess it up this time."

"Y'all what's up. Here is my ID."

"What?! I know, huh. Like I was all crazy. Try to tell us something. How stupid..."

"Is he still looking at me?"

"How stupid..."

"Woot! Woot!"

Steve Martin Accepting the Mark Twain Award Speech

Mr. President. Supreme Court Justices. Your Royal Highness. And Others.

I'm so proud to be here in Washington D.C. (which i have just recently learned is the Nation's Capital). And to receive this coveted Mark Twain Award, which is the only significant american award for comedy (except for money).

If in my comedy career, if I have made you laugh once, I have done my job. If I have made you laugh twice, then I am very proud. If I have made you laugh three times, then I am thrilled. If I have made you laugh four times, which is twice as many as two times, then I am ecstatic. If I have made you laugh five or possibly six times, but I feel like I am losing you, what better time than now to take amount and recount all the awards I have received.

In 1969, I won an Emmy for riding on the Smothers Brother Comedy Hour. Then again, in 2005... I won the Mark Twain Prize, but of course the Mark Twain Prize is very special to me (cause it is more recent).

I was first introduce to comedy at age of six. This began (what was known) as my dark period. It is hard to believe that my career is still growing strong. Especially, considering 3 years ago I passed away. I guess that's called momentum.

When I look at the list of people who've been given this award, it makes me very satisfied. When I look at the list of people who HAVE NOT given this award, it make me even more satisfied.

I want to thank all the performers here tonight who flew in and were so funny. I am so flattered that they shared their time and their brilliance and their talents. It must be hard to find a dozen people or so who have these kind of skill, and yet so disparate to be on television.

Comedian Jeff Caldwell talks About Technology, Hygiene, and Medicine

Great to be here. I mean really great to be here. I used to have a real job as a civil engineer. People begin to talk after your third bridge falls down. It may not just be the drinking anymore. Guilty. You got me.

You're not mechanically enough to be an engineer when you use a screwdriver, and you have to say, "lefty loosely; righty tighty."

Not good with computers. I remain not good. I had to call tech support guy to get a little help. He starts asking me questions, "What kind of operating system you got there?" Oh um.... Electricity, I think. I got to plug it in my wall.

I am trying to get tech savvy. Now, I have the hands free device for the cellphone. Now, that is a wonderful design. It has a speaker that fits right into my ear hole. The microphone extends about at the tip of my earlobe. "I'm having trouble hearing you Jeff." That's because the sounds comes out of the hole in front of my face, right here. Yeah, the vibration from the jawbone is a little indistinct sometimes. My apologies.

I tried calling information. It's not a person anymore. It's a computer, trying to figure out what I am trying to say. And that technology, not finished.

I lost my credit card. Machine, "What listing?" Jeff, "American Express." Machine, "The toll free number for America West Airline is..."

What if you need something important and you're in a hurry, "Suicide hotline." Machine, "The number for Susan Huntley is..." Jeff, "Susan you don't know me..."

It's easy to get down in this country. The pizza people are working against us. Cheese in a crust. Free brownies. That was an aggressive move. Now, they like us to dip it in ranch dressing too, "The pizza gets so dry!" I had two slices, and I got gout. It's a little rich.

We have to trust the people who handle our food. I am always nervous with those little home cooking restaurants that you see on the highway, "Ed's Kountry Kettle". Country with a "K". Ed, you've miss spelled country. Makes me think (you might forget to wash your hands, periodically). Makes me think (I might get E. Coli with a "K"). Maybe some Kountry Kramps.

And there is no excuse for that. In our store that we have right now, we have something called anti-bacteria soap. I thought that was understood as part of the contract with soap. What the hell I have been washing my hands with all this years? Bacteria neutral? Bacteria Friendly? I like a refund. I bought a lot of crap soap, and I am not happy. No, I do not have my receipts.

At least we have these wonderful medicine. You seem advertise on television all the time. How about the sleeping pill with the glowing, green butterfly comes into your room. Now, I need an anxiety pill. It is a rather terrifying, strange side effects to put on the list, "Don't let it land on me."

I like the people in the ads for the harpies medicine. They always seem to be kayaking. I am not an epidemiologist, but maybe we should take a look into these rental kayaks. We'll spray 'em out like we do with bowling shoes. But they are so active, "I am not letting this discomfort hold me down. I am going over the falls to end this discomfort."

Mitch Fatel's Stand up talks about Sex and Breast

Small breast are like, "Hi! Can I help you with something?" I'm like, "No. I am just looking." I don't even know why I like breast. They don't even do anything. They just bounce up and down, and it makes me happy. I can be very sad. And I see breast, and I'm like (me bouncing). I get happy. Thanks I am very funny.

I like girls who are easy. They are so much fun. They make the dates so fun. Some girls make you wait before they have sex with you. What's that about? I met with this girl, "I like to wait 6 months before I have sex with a guy." I was like, "I really, really respect that. Okay, I guess I'll see you in six months. Do you just email me? How does that work? I want to make sure I block off that date. Just in case I am planning a vacation."

I'm very fertile. I got a girl pregnant once. She called me up, and she was like, "I think I am pregnant." I was like, "The number you have reached..." Because babies are expensive, and they eat your food.

It's hard to get a girl pregnant. Do you know girls can only get pregnant 2 days out of every month. Only 2 days. And only 1 day is the main day. The second day they are already pulling down the gate and closing up. The tricky sperm can be like, "I just want to talk to the egg. I'll be out in one minute. I just one to see if my friends are in there." Thanks, I am very funny.

I would make such a great boyfriend for some ladies out there because I'm whipped. I do everything I am told, and never complain when I get sent out to get something. That's how you know you are a boyfriend when your whole life just becomes getting sent out on errands. And you look forward to it because you get to see other guys at the store. You walking around, and you're like, "Sam what are sent out for? Let me see your note. Oh, I needs pad too. Let's walk together."

Rita Rudner Talks About Men and Women Relationships, Marriage, and Having Children

She was so big. I could not keep the magazine closed. My old boyfriend used to look at those pictures. For hours, I said, "Do you think she is pretty?" He would say, "Noooo." I hook him up to a lie detector once, and he shorted out Chicago. He used to say, "I read playboy for the articles." Yeah, and I said, "Yes, I know. I go to department stores for the escalators."

I do love to shop. I admit it. I rationalize shop. I buy a dress because I need change for gum. One time I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I go, and I buy a new outfit. And it makes me feel better. It just does. In fact, sometimes when I see a really great outfit, I'll break with someone on purpose. Once I saw a great outfit, I was not dating anyone. So I went up, hug a stranger, slap him, and bought it.

Relationship, they don't last anymore. You know. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself, "Is this the man I want my children to spend the weekends with?"

My mom always trying to figure out new ways to keep excitement in their marriage. It's not easy. She took up belly dancing once. She just was not good at it. To appear like she was moving, my dad and I had to jiggle the furniture behind her.

My cousin just got married for totally, totally the wrong reason. She married a man for money. She was not really subtle about it either. Instead of her "fiance", she kept calling him her, "finance-EE".

Why are women wearing perfume that smells like flower to attract men? That is what I don't understand. Men don't like flowers. I have been wearing a great scent called "new car interior".

I just read men reach their sexual peak at 18. Did you know that? Women reach their sexual peak at 35. Did you get the feeling God is into practical jokes? We're reaching our sexual peaks right around the same time they discover they have a favorite chair.

I do think about having children because time is running out. I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.

My friends tell me story that scares me. One of my friends told me, she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours. Another friend of mine, she pregnant, and her husband wants to have natural child birth, but she doesn't, so he has been going to those classes by himself.

They are trying to put warning labels on liquor now that say, "Caution! Alcohol can be dangerous to pregnant women." Did you read that? I think that's ironic. If it was not for alcohol, most women will not even be that way.

My friends. They make such big deal over their children birthday party. It's so amazing. My friend just had a birthday surprise party. He's one. We all sneaked around the crib. We jumped, and yelled, "Surprise!" He was surprised. He's in therapy.

I had the worst birthday party ever, ever when I was child because my parents hired ponies to give rides. These ponies were never in good shape, but this one dropped dead. It just was not much fun after that. One kid would sit on it, and rest of us would drag him around in a circle.

I guess I'll go because I am in show business. I have so many exciting things to do now. I don't know. I'll go to sleep. I admit it. I love to go to sleep. It is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious. Once I went to sleep, and I dreamt I had insomnia. It was just a strangest night. I woke up, and thought, "now i can get some sleep."

Margaret Cho Talks about Looking Good and Nuclear Weapons

I get a lot of pedicure and manicure, which i never did before. I just want to take care of my body (in that very shallow way). I went to this place in Pittsburgh to get a manicure. It's called Paris Nail, so I called, "hello?"

Paris Nail: "Hello, Welcome to PARIS NAIL!"
Cho: "Ooooo. Bonjour."

I think they are gonna figure out that you are not from Paris.

Paris Nail: "Welcome to PARIS NAIL! You pick color! YOU PICK COLOR!"

You know Koreans. We are pretty sneaky ass people, "What do you mean? We don't have any nuclear weapon. What are you talking about? We don't have nuclear weapons."

But if you keep on asking, they will get mad, "We WILL USE THEM ON YOU! We WILL USE THEM ON YOUUUUU (if we had them. if. if we had them)!

Demetri Martin talks about Loving Kids, Throwing Bottles in The Ocean, and Being a Creep

I have certain request in order to do a benefit show. I said, "I'll do the show, but I need giant, gay icicles behind me, or I can't do it. I work well with giant, gay icicles." It worked out. They make me look cool, and a little less gay than the icicles themselves.

I heard this lady say, "I love kids." That's nice, but a little weird though. It's like saying, "I like people for a little while." How old are you? 14? F*** off. You can say, "I love kids," as a general statement. That's fine. It's when you get specific. That's when you get into trouble, "I love 12 years old."

I was on this street. I saw this guy wave to me. He came up to me, and said to me, "I am sorry. I thought you were someone else." I said, "I am."

Ever fight is a food fight when you are a cannibal.

If you want to sound like a creep, just add the word "ladies" at the end of things you say. You can say something harmless too like, "thanks for coming to the show, ladies." "Help! I've fallen in a trap. I need help, ladies."

I love the beach. I like to get there really early before anyone shows up. Take like 30 bottles with notes in 'em, and throw 'em in the water. Then, wait for everyone to come to the beach. When someone goes up to pick up one of the bottles, I'll go up right behind 'em. Cause when they open it, it says, "I'm standing right behind yah."

John Mulaney on Donald Trump's Plan to Strike It Rich

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It's tough to know what to do with your money these days. A few days ago, the Dow Jones dropped another 240 points. And I can't tell you how frustrating it is to not know what that means. It's embarrassing.

I did see an advertisement where you can learn to get rich from Donald Trump. He would teach you how to get rich. He would know. He is a rich man. He is not just a rich man. Donald Trump is what a Hobo imagines what a rich man to be. He was walking in the ally one day, and heard this.

Hobo - "Oh boy oh boy, as soon as my numbers come in, I am going to put tall buildings with my name on em. I'll have fine, golden hair, and a tv show where I fire people with my children."

Donald Trump was like, "That is how I'm going to live my life. Thank you hobo for the life plan."