Best stage comedians at their funniest with punchlines all typed out for your enjoyment to read from richard pryor to louis c.k. and upcoming comedians with Youtube videos (monologue script)
These side hustles are for people who need some kind of cash flow into their life:
1. Uber Eats
2. Ebay reseller
3. Stock Market
4. Consultant
5. Etsy Create Crafts and Art
6. Google Adsense for your Blog
7. Youtuber
8. Affiliate Marketing
9. Merchandise Designer Teespring
10. Voice over
11. Shopify Create your own store
12. Work for Amazon (very easy to apply)
13. Apple customer service (remote work) flexible hours
14. Work part time at any retailer or fast food
15. Fiverr
There are many ways to make money online, especially when we all have smartphones. It takes time, consistent effort. It could be small effort, 15 to 30 minutes. Just make sure it's a daily effort. Daily, little by little, is key for passive or active income. It takes creativity and time.
You can google "side hustle gigs," and you will get tons of ideas.
Continue and bring the effort. Create, do, and go. Eventually it will all come together. Something will eventually click, and you will be making lots of money. There are abundance of money out there, and we can all get it. Well, the money will come to us.
When I first met my wife, I had some secrets. I couldn’t share. Everybody gots a secret in the room, everybody. Everybody here has a secret, especially that lady. My secret: I couldn’t digest dairy. Ok. Something you can’t share on the first month of the date like, “Hey listen, I can’t have any dessert. I’m gonna shit the bed tonight. Alright.”
Naw, you just eat the dessert. And you deal with the consequences later on. Alright. I went back to her place. We started to watch a movie. Half way through the movie, the diary starts dancing. I asked her real cool, “Hey listen, do you have a bathroom or something like that?”
I don’t know why I asked, “you got a bathroom or something like that or something I can use?”
Hoping she would say, “Yeah, down the hall to the right, and then you go outside.”
She was like, “No, it’s just around the corner. You want me to pause the move?”
I said, “No, actually can you turn it up a little bit. Turn it up. I want to hear the acoustic in the bathroom.”
So I would lock the door. I would put the water on in the bathroom. Get some noise going. I later told her, “Yeah, I had a dairy problem.”
“Dairy? I thought you had OCD. I thought you were constantly washing your hands.”
Washing my hands? I was farting into your towel. Anything to muffle the sound, “phhhhhh.” I hope she don’t wash her face with that. I can’t go back out there. It’s rancid. But it’s fun.
It’s fun being married, sharing my life with a beautiful woman. All my friends got married when they were real, real young. In the early 20s, they all started families. They were popping out kids. I was the last guy to get married. They were excited for the bachelor party. You know married guys with kids. They are looking for a prison break, right. The phone started ringing off the hook, “We gotta plan your bachelor party or I am going fake my own death soon, alright. I’m six weeks away from starting a fruit stand in Nicaragua. I gotta get out.”
So my buddy, they go plan a Miami weekend. We go Miami for the weekend. It happen to be urban weekend. It’s a black weekend in Miami. So we look like 4 mozzarella sticks at the pool.My friends still thing they are still in their 20s. My buddies were like, “let’s go to the pool. Let’s go start talking to some chicks.”
I’m like Steve, “you have tits. It’s over Steven. You have a c cup with a beautiful areola. No ones looking for that Steven.”
Guys do not go to Vegas for a bachelor party with 10 of your cheapest friends. I get there, and all of us are staying in one room.The best man is bragging, “We got strippers coming up in the room man. Strippers. 2 of them. Everybody got to buck up. The total is 29.95.”
30 dollars? Who the hell we are getting for 30 dollars? So we are all sitting there, waiting for the knock to come to the door.They come up. I open. They are naked already in the hallway. “Get in here. You walk down the hallway like this?”
We got the runaways. You know, the 18 year olds. The one that don’t know what the hell they doing in there… They just walking. I look at one of them.One of them had one implant. They had a 36 D over here, and 32 B roped off, “under construction.”
Thank you. My name is Jinx Yeo. I am from Singapore. As you can see, I am a Chinese guy with African lips. My friends always make fun of my lips. They say my lips look like Angelina Jolie that had a secret love child with dale lam. And it really sucks because if a Chinese guy can get one body part and large African size. Why must it be the lips?
And I am a nerd. I like super hero movies like the avengers or captain America. But I wish there was a Chinese super hero. Maybe like Captain china. You see. Captain America: he has a shield that he can throw. Right? So I thought maybe Captian china can throw pirated DVDs. And captain china super power would be lending money to captain America.
You know how I am getting old. This is embarrassing but… I was in my hotel room. I’m not going to lie. I was jerking off. And I was really sweating it out.This is when I knew I was old. I gave up in the middle like nothing ever happened. I don’t like to look at my wee wee anymore. My wee wee look distinguish. It’s old, old looking wee wee. It got salt and pepper hair on it, all around it. My wee wee look like Morgan freeman in the 90s, without the dots. My wee wee narrates, “Dave pulled me out and start jerking me around. Jerking me around. We both knew it was not coming out.”
I see my age in my children.I came home from the road, not long ago. I was gone for weeks, and weeks. When I cam back nobody was home. Not one family though that the… maybe I would like to see them when I got back. Like they knew I was coming back, but they just… just weren’t home. That sh** was a wakeup call. You know… when my kids were little, and tour bus pull up the house, those mother f*** would spill out, “Dad is home! Hoorayyyy!”
They would hug me and kiss me. And then when the years got on, they got less interested, “Look everybody. It’s Mr. Promises back from the road.”
An empty house is some cold sh**.I went to my oldest son’s room, “Hello hello.”
You scared of your mom because she yelled at yah. That’s all my mom did with me was yell at me. That’s the only language spoke was yell, “Ha? What? Say it again. Say it again.Say it. What did you say Joseph? What did you say? Turn around. Turn around Joseph.”
“Wahh wahhh ahh..”
That’s the only language that my mom talked, yell, “ah? When? Where did you do it? Where? Where did you go? Ha? What? Did you lose your lunchbox?”
I remember when I lost my lunch box one time. Holly sh**.That’s how my mom discipline. Like she never physically touch you. She verbally attacked you. That’s how she went after you. She breaks you down in words, interrogation, 2 hour and half yelling, “What? Where’s your lunchbox Joseph? Where did you put it?”
“I don’t know.”
“What do you mean you don’t know? Where? Where did you go? You go from house to school, school to house. Where the puck you lose it? What? You just take your lunchbox anywhere? I don’t know where? I don’t know where anything is? I don’t know where? Where is your lunchbox Joseph? Where? Where did you put it?”
“I don’t know.”
She will repeat what I said in stupid voice, “I… don’t… know… How do you don’t know Joseph? How?”
“I don’t know. What do you want me to say?”
“Just tell me where it is.”
“I don’t know.”
2 hours of that, “Where?”
“I don’t know.”
“Ha?”
“I don’t know.”
She wants me to have snot coming out of my mouth and breathing it in the same time. That’s when she is happy. That’s how I know when she got me.
“I don’t know… arrr arr arr..”
That’s when she walk up to me, “Oh oh ok breathe Joseph. Breathe. Breath my…”
“Aarrr roar..”
“Breath… my gawd… Breathe… “
“arrrrr.”
“It’s just a lunchbox.”
She gots to embarrass me.She put my lunch in a Tupperware container. That’s how she embarrass me, “I’m going to put your lunch in a Tupperware.”
And I cry more, “Why… I don’t want to go to school.”
“Why not?”
“Because I don’t want to go to school with my lunch in one of your Tupperware.”
That’s sh** is embarrassing.If I send my son to school with a Tupperware container, he goes to school with a clear bowl and it gots a blue lid. And it says Tupperware on the lid. My son would be proud to go to school with that sh**.My mom’s Tupperware is usually an empty cool whip container, country crock. One time she put it in a Neapolitan ice cream container. It has the red handle. She put my homework and my lunch. It looks like a f**** briefcase. She put my lunch in a cool whip container. That sh** was so embarrassing. She’s like, “Grab a sharpie, so I can put your name on the lid.”
Like someone has a cool whip container as a lunch box. I am pretty sure I am the only one with a cool whip container lunchbox.
They use the TV to program us at a young age. Have you watch those cartoons when you were little / as an adult? That sh*** is wild sh***.It’s some wild sh****. I was with my nephew. I’m sitting there watching Pepe lapel. I was like, “Pay attention to this guy because he is funny. I used to watch him when I was little.”
And we watched Pepe lapel. I was like, “Oh damn. Good gawk. What kind of molester is this guy? Like take it easy Pepe.”
My nephew was there cracking up, “He he he. See you have to some like Pepe.”
“No. No. NO.”
I had to turn the channel real quick. I turn on Sesame Street. I was like, “Oh Sesame Street.It’s much better.They learn how to count and spell.”
Now I am watching it. I realize that Sesame Street teaches kids other things. It teaches kids how to judge people and label people. That’s right.They have a character on there, nameOscar.They are treating this guy like sh** entire show.They judge him right in his face, “Oscar you are so mean. Isn’t he kids?”
“Yeah Oscar.You’re a grouch.”
He’s like, “B*** I live in a trash can.I’m the poorest in Sesame Street. Nobody is helping me.”
You wonder why people step over homeless people, “Get it together grouch. Go get a job Grouch.”
No one tell me how to get to Sesame Street. That is a terrible place.I wouldn’t go there if I knew the way.Who would want to live in a neighborhood like that? F*** 6 foot pigeon is walking around.
F*** I need an alibi. I can’t be no celebrity. That shit is the worst. I’m seeing it. I can see why. I see why stars are crazy. I went to Disney world with my kids, which is a big deal for me. I don’t get to see my kids so much. I do the chappelle show 20 hours a day. Sleep like half an hour.Be with my kids for 10 to 20 minutes. Then I go back to work.
Now, in this particular day, I got to hook with the kids to go to Disney world. Everybody at the park, F**** everybody: “Hey, Hey. Rick James B****. Hey I’m Rick James B***.”
It’s like, “A man. Hey, you mind not calling me a b*** in front of my kids. Time out mother f****. We are taking a day off.”
Even Mickey Mouse did it. I say, “This is the most unprofessional sh*** I have ever seen in my life.”
“Rick James b****.”
Oh I was fed up.I caught that mother f**** with an upper cut. Pop. Knock his head clean off. Everybody was screaming, “Oh my gawd. Oh my gawwwwd. Mickey Mouse is Mexican.
My daughter is trying to find a good man. I said, “Learn to be by yourself for a second. Don’t be crying.”
Look she is waving. You got a man. Why you waving your hand? You with a man. She’s like, “that’s right.” Look what you just did. “Be by yourself,” as you holding his hand. What was that about. “Yeah be by yourself. That’s what I am talking about.”
Yeah, if he had done that. That’s right. “Oh really?”
You be in the parking lot, “what? What did I say? Slow down.”
You better love that man. He got you front row seats. At least it’s good for a show. See. How old are you. How old are you? 34? You still young man. You know. You know.
My mom: Their generation: They know how to work it. My mom work. She knows how to build a patio, build a guest room.They know how to work a brother back in the days. My dad was like a slave, “Do you need to put the roof up?”
She look at her, “You are my man.My man can do everything.”
All she had to do is give him some cool aide. Working. Work it. Work. Work Work.
Cause my mom got style.Young ladies you gotta get style back. You all angry. angry. Y’all angry. Y’all just… Just mad. Smile sometimes. You might have a good man. You just don’t know it. You just stay so angry. Ladies, what you y’all mad about? What y’all mad about? What? Because we are no good. Everyman no good? Everyman? See that’s one woman. Everyman? Did you date everybody? Or did you miss somebody? Maybe that’s the problem. You dating too many people. Pick one, and see what happens.
Ok. I’m gonna go with that. What makes a man no good? I’m gonna help the ladies out. He lies? That’s how you make the relationship stay alive. If a man does not lie, the relationship is done because you ask questions that make no sense. So I have to lie.If you don’t want me to lie, quit asking me questions. You keep asking me questions that you know that I have to lie at.
“Do I look fat?”
“No. No.”
If you weren’t fat, you wouldn’t ask. That is why you asked the question. Skinny people don’t say, “Do I look fat?”
Skinny people say, “Do you want to eat? Would you like to have a sandwich?”
She just want to see how dumb you are when you tell the truth.And for all you young men, don’t fall for this, “Even if it hurts me. Even if hurts… tell me the truth.”
I remember 1989 when I first start gaining weight. See. Nobody wants to workout, so we go look out for that miracle, right? I went down to Weight Watcher Nutrisystem, “I am going to drop like 40 pounds real quick.”
Nah, it ain’t natural to eat that little amount of food. It don’t make no sense. Nobody lose weight on those programs cause you broke. You go ahead and spent all your money on the program. You gotta spend 500 dollars. People like, “Man you look good.”
“I want to eat. I ain’t got no money. I want a sandwich.”
You’ll be hanging outside of McDonalds at the window, “Don’t throw those fries away.I’m gonna do something. Come here.”
Man, I went down to WeightWatcher Nutrisystem.And the woman brought me something for my meal for the week. She brought me this little bag. I said, “This is the snack, right? Cause you gonna put some groceries in this box, right? This is just the whole bit, until you get back, right? Cause I can’t eat this in a car. This ain’t no week. This is a snack to get home.”
And they try to set you up. That’s the beauty of the program. It looks like it’s not gonna fill you up, but it will. Oh yeah, “Watch. Ate everything up. I’m still hungry.”
And then she has an answer for that, “See if you get hungry, eat a weight watcher nurtrichip.”
A chip.
Open up the bag. Take out a chip. And close the bag back up.
If I can do that, I would not be at Weightwatcher Nutrisystem. That’s why I am down there. I can’t close the bag up. Once I open up the bag, it’s time to eat. Nah, it ain’t gonna work. I am sorry.
I am African though. It’s real sh**.A lot of people don’t believe me because I got clothes on. You know. When you say you are African, they want that discovery channel African, right? “Where’s your belly and your flies?”
Shut up and laugh. You are not sending money. Shut the F***** up, and laugh. You are not sending money.
They always pose the kids up like this. I hate this. You know the commercial, the white man, “Send some money to these little mother f****.”
I don’t like the way they pose the kids up. Are you trying to be sexy? Or… Trying to eat? And they always got a big ass burger. I’m like eat the burger. I’m not sending you sh**.Shut up with the aw. “I’m offended.”
Did you sent money?
“No.”
Then shut the f*** up, and laugh.
Everybody want to be offended, but don’t do sh** about it.Isn’t that funny.
My friends never believe that I’m African. I remember I told my friends. It was a big shock to them. And I’m like, “dude, I’m Nigerian American.”
“Word? We thought you were like… regular black.”
What the f**** is regular black? Crayola Crayons came up with a new color that I don’t know about sh***?
When You call my father and he picks up the phone, you think you are talking to the lion king, “May I speak to Godfrey?”
It was not suppose to go down like this. Okay. I was suppose to be him.I was suppose to be the one chilling.He graduated from Harvard business school. I have a B.A. in UCLA in ethnic studies.Ethnic studies is a major where you study how to blame everything on white people. It’s not suppose to yield income. Nobody. No-one could have predicted this outcome. So much so… Before we got married, his family made me sign a prenup. It’s true. And now if we get divorced, their son is f****.
I was walking around town here. And I can’t take people, very impatient.I went to the Starbucks, watching this woman. She got this scone, a muffin… I don’t know what the hell it was.But they gave it to her in a brown bag.And then she was eating it out of the bag. She was like fingering the muffin.
Take it out of the bag. Get a plate. What the… I couldn’t take it.Right? It’s everywhere you go though. It’s just people. I just watch people behave, and I get upset. I don’t know what’s going on…. Yogurt? People are going nuts with yogurt.I had to go to see what’s the big deal was, right?
I went to this yogurt shop. I am watching these two ladies in line.They have to sample. What is that? Sample? And they were so proud of themselves that they were getting a free lick, right? They came up, so proud like, “Excuse me. Can we try the pomegranate?Do you have pomegranate?”
Ah, the guy has to turn around and then he has to fill up the little Dixie cup. Then he has to hand it out, grown woman by the way. And they were like kids, “Ahhhh…. These are good. I like this one. I like this one.”
What? I don’t do any of this.I just get the green tea. If I don’t like it, I screw up.You think I’m gonna hold up 12 people for a free lick of …
I was sitting in my house a couple of weeks ago. Just relaxing. My doorbell rang. This is weird.It’s a different feeling when your doorbell rings today, opposed to 20 years ago, right? 20 years ago: when your doorbell rang, it was a happy moment in your house.It’s called company. I be sitting there on a Thursday night, watching tv. Your doorbell rang. The whole family shot off the couch, “Oh my gawd. Put the lights on.Somebody’s here. We got people.”
The whole family went to the door. The kids were in socks, slid up to the door. Nobody looked to see who it was, right? You just open the door, and you are like, “Oh my god. Look at that. Look who is here.”
You asked, “What the hell you are doing here?”
And the person be like, “I was in the neighborhood. I thought I might stop by, and see how the kids are doing.”
Like, “Come on in. We are gonna have some cake.”
You mother had a little… Sarah lee, crumble cake. Just in case company came over. She made an announcement when she bought it. She’s like, “Listen. Nobody touch this cake.This is for company only.Those cracked muffins.Those are for you people. You better hope to gawd somebody comes over, so we cut the cake.”
She put her cake in the middle of the table. Proud of it. She put it right in the middle, “Cut yourself a slice. You want a cup of coffee? You want some sake.”
Ha ha ha. Those are old school. A lot of the young kids: They will be looking at me, “What is that? An iPhone app? What the hell is sake?”
Your mother had a tin, a brown and orange tin. Ready to go. Just in case company… She put a big pot in the table. Nobody had a cell phone back then.If your house phone did ring, your father stood up and said, “Nobody get that phone. We got company.”
We lost track of time. 2 hours went by, and you like, “we gotta get out of here.”
“That’s ok. Next time we will come by you. Yeah, my door is always open. “
It’s good to be home. I love this city. There are certain cities that I do not like going to. I’m not a Vegas guy.I know a lot of people love to go to Vegas for the weekend. You an see a good portion of the population that sends to Las Vegas over a year. I’m here to tell you. We are in trouble. We are in trouble as a nation if you look at Las Vegas.I don’t know. Is anybody embarrass anymore? Is there any… embarrassment? Is there any shame?
I’m checking into a 2 billion dollar property, beautiful… Italian marble… 5 star restaurant… Juliet Art hanging from the ceiling… And I look to my left, at the check in thing. And there’s a group checking in with an igloo cooler.It’s not even a new one, duct taped on the handle. 10 cases of beer. George Foreman Grill? What are you going to do? Grill chicken in the room? Aren’t you embarrassed? Come on…
The place wreaks of cash. Sammy Davis. Frank Sinatra used to come with a tuxedo, cufflinks. And you brought chicken thighs? So you know what… Let me go relax at the pool. Go to the pool area. I don’t know how you people do the pool.When I go to a public pool, hotel pool, I go away from the people. I don’t go near people. I don’t chit chat. Alright. I know a lot of people like to go in the mix of people, “Hi…. We love the weather. We come once a year.”
I don’t do this sh**. Ok. I go away from it.I set up my own little corner.I got 3 towels.I start making the thing… like a fitted sheet.Everything is tucked in, neat.I brought a book.I see people doing this on vacation.They bring a book to the pool.Have you ever see these people? How are they reading in here? 108 degrees, and they are reading a full, blown book.So you know what? Let me try this.Let me bring a book.I sit down. I open my book.Now, my biggest problem is I can’t mind my own business.I’m half way through the first page.And I start looking around, “What they f*** are they doing? What is this? Why are they doing that?”
I group guys came down, loud.I’m not into loud people.I heard them before I saw them.This group, the high five group.Have you ever gotten this group that comes down, “Arghhh…”
Why? You are 42 years old. Why are you high fiving? You are at the pool.You didn’t score a touchdown. Why are you high fiving people at the pool? And they sit right next to me.I’m like a magnet for these types. They sit right next to me.Now I am honed in on this group. This guy took his shoe off: 4 band aids on his foot… How did he get to 4 band aids? How did this happen? After 1 band aid, isn’t that a hospital visit? What are you trying to fix, at your home, with 4 band aids? 1 box of band aids should last you for your entire lifetime.This is a one time purchase.When you die, you should have left overs bandaids for generations to come. I’m thinking if this guy gets into the pool, with his bandaids on?They gonna have to drain the pool and refill it. I’m not getting into the pool with bandaid juice, floating on top of the pool. Alright. I don’t know what’s underneath the bandaids. There’s always a bandaid. There’s always a loose bandaids, in the pool. It will find you.You will be talking… hanging out right.The damn thing will just come in.You are like, “Awwww Gawddd.”
It’s time for me to check in, right? Now, the check in process at the airport: they don’t even want to look at you, head down, right?No smile. Nothing.I feel like I’m working there.I feel like I’m working at United, “Hi, How you doing?” Right?
The only time they get happy is when the bag goes over the weight allowance. They love telling you that you’re going to owe extra, on this bag.And you know it’s heavy.When you are packing at home, tell you what, “we are not gonna make it.”
“It’s ok.”
“Ok.”
So heavy, right? He put it up there.You know it’s heavy, so you trying to put it up there, and release it.You do that, kind of soft release, like that.Like that’s gonna take…take weight off the bag. And her mood changes, “Ooooooo, I’m sorry.Your bag is 2 pounds over. You gotta take 2 pounds out of your bag.”
Like an idiot: I gotta open up my bag, in front of 187 people. I don’t know what’s 2 pounds is… I’m taking out a boot, a sock, and toothpaste. “Is this 2 pounds? Does anybody knows what 2 pounds is? There are gonna charge me an extra 8,000 dollars.You think the boots are half a pound? I mean. Where do you want me to put this?”
She says, “Put that in your carry on…”
I said, “It’s still going on the plane… What does it matter if it’s on top or underneath.The guy behind me is 500 pounds.That doesn’t matter? My sock is gonna tank the plane into the pacific, but you are prepared for this type of weight?”
It’s a scam.Every part of that airport bothers me: The TSA, The Security Checkpoint.This is what’s guarding our country?Have you seen what’s in the blue shirts at O’hare? Do you feel safe with this type of security? I have been all over the world: Egypt, Lebanona, Bay Reu, etc. I have been all over.The security at their airport is unbelievable: all military, neat, hat, machine guns. Have you seen our first line of defense? Do you see the first guy they send out?“Take out your laptop… your liquid, your cream, your gel…
First date is the big date, right? A lot of deal breakers is going on, on the first date.I watch how a woman eats.This is a huge deal breaker for me, okay.I took a girl for Italian food. She ate everything on the plate. I got no problem with that. Then she took a piece of bread, and did a sponge job.My father does that during the holidays.You might want to wait until we fall in love, until start mopping up sauce.
Another big deal breaker for me: When I go to a girl’s house for the first time, ladies be prepare for the come over, okay.Have some options for me.You come to my place.I’m ready.It’s like a hotel.As soon as we walk in, I turn around, “Do you want a little Diet Coke? Apple Juice? Wine? What do you want?” I got oregano.Nobody gots oregano. Throw that to a chick, “Do you want a glass of oregano?”
“You have oregano?”
“Yeah I got it.Sit down.”
This girl had nothing.We walked in. She turned around. She was like, “Do you want some water or something like that?”
Water? I get that out of the hose.
One night at this girl’s house, she had a little scotch.
“You know. Put that on the rocks.”
She brought it out. I went to take a sip. I smelled the ice cubes.The ice cubes smells like the freezer. Like, what is this? Johnny Walker and mix vegetables? Change out your cubes.Every 3 days I breaking ice at my house, fresh.
But at the beginning everything is fantastic. When you start dating, the first couple of month everything is adorable, right? Flirt with each other… she might be making a salad in the kitchen. She might have a broccoli hanging off of her head.It’s the cutest thing you have ever seen. Right? You walking in, and you like, “baby. You got a piece of broccoli hanging off your head.”
She flirts right back. She’s like, “Aweeee. Sorry.”
You get married with a couple of kids. That shit ain’t funny anymore. Little things start pissing you off about the person.Just every day movement can set you off, right? Just watching them brush your teeth in the morning, right? You sit there looking in the mirror, “Oh, look at this crap. I hate you.”
You might find someone you love.You might want to settle down. Start a family. Have some kids. When it comes to raising kids, do you know what culture got it down to a science? The Japanese people: Any Japanese people here tonight? See. That’s why I like that Japanese people. There’s one person, faint clap.I like them because Japanese people are quiet.They don’t say nothing. Have you ever seen a Japanese at a restaurant. Their kids are trained. They sit like a soldier at a 90 degrees angle.
My wife like different things like shopping at different places. She likes whole foods. That’s her store. She sends me over there once in while. I can’t stand going there. She goes babe, “Can you go to Whole Foods…?”
I go, “Ah, I don’t want to go.”
The people over there bothers me. Have you ever gone to Whole Foods? Everybody at Whole Foods looks like they make their own clothes. Like this hemp clothing that comes in two colors: oatmeal and throw up.
Everybody eating seeds.
It’s serious when they ask a question. They got to hold their heart.They come up to the meat counter, “Is it organic? Is it farm to table? Do the chickens have friends? And do they play well with one another?”
It’s weird. In the middle of the store, it changes from fruits and vegetables to soaps and potions. Nobody knows what they are doing in this section. They just kind of end up in there, “Wow! I don’t recognize anything in here. I gotta get out of here.”
There’s always a person walking around with a little vile, trying to find, “what is this do? What is this?”
Some hippie that works there falls out of the shelves, “Ah that’s argan oil. That’s organ oil. It has multiple uses. You can drizzle a little bit on your salad. It helps with digestion. Also put some underneath your nose. It opens up your nasal way. And lastly if you have a rash on your butt hole, just pepper some in… just… absolutely. Preferably in the morning. It clears up by the afternoon. It’s 8000 dollars.”
The store is weird. The problem is that everybody thinks that they are saving the planet, the big green movement, at Whole Foods. If you doing the green thing, gawd bless you. I tried. It’s just not for me. I got friends that brags about it: How green they are? You go to their house. They like, “look at the lightbulbs, in my kitchen, saving 53 percent on my electricity because I got green lightbulbs.”
I go, “Oh Yeah, I can’t see you. You are dim. You’re dim.”
Nah. Whole Foods make you feel bad. Have you gotten a bag? I ask for a bag. They are like, “Are you gonna take a … take a bag and destroy our planet?”
“I don’t know. I got 93 items. What do you want me to do?”
It’s weird over there.They got a masseuse. There is a masseuse prop up in the store. They are like… rubbing down on some guy’s skin. He doesn’t know where to look. He’s trying to figure out how the hell did I end up in Whole Foods, massaging people near the lavender chips.
That’s all we ate was rice. That’s the key to an asian household, rice. That sh** is always cooking. There’s always a pot of rice, cooking.The rice cooker is always on. You can get locked in asian person’s house, and all the lights are off. You can find the kitchen. Just look for that little square, red light.There’s the f**** rice right there.
I sent my son to go get rice.The other day, I said, “Joe, go get a bag of rice.” And he ran down a couple of aisles. And he came back with a little a** bag of rice.It was in his hand like that. Even though I knew that was the bag of rice he suppose to get, I started to reflect back when I was his age.The bag of rice that I had to get was the size of this f**** stool. That sh** was twice my body weight, and I had to drag that sh** to my mom.It’s the big nylon bag, with Chinese writing on the front.It said, “50 pounds,” at the bottom of it.My mom would set that back in the kitchen, next to the trash can. Top just ripped open. Inside that bag was a coffee mug with a broken handle.She called that a measuring cup.
She taught me how to make rice. I remember that day.
“I’m going to teach you how to make rice.It’s the only time I’m going to teach you.”
“Okay. How do I do it?”
“You take a cup of scoop of rice Joseph. Put it in the pot. Put water in the pot, and swish it around. Clean the rice like that.If the waters cloudy, the water is dirty. Pour that water out.Put more water in it. And swish it around. If the water still cloudy, the water is still dirty.Pour that water out. Continue that process Joseph until the water is clear.When the water is clear, add water. It’s ready to cook. “
“Then how much water do I add?”
“Just fill it to this line, Joseph.”
This is how you cook perfect rice.I want the world to know that right now.This is the ancient f**** secret. Every asian knows how to make rice. And this how you do it. You don’t need a measuring cup, and you don’t need f*** rice cooker.All you need is rice, a pot, and this f**** line right here.
And then a lot of people, also wonder, “Ali now that you have a daughter. Are you going to tone it down?”
Here’s the thing. Just because you became a parent doesn’t mean you grew up.
Yeah, bro dudes becomes bro dads. I am the same piece of sh** that I always was, before I became a mom. Now just with more responsibilities, and barely rising to the occasions. And I’m not a shamed. I’m not gonna hide that I was very sexual active in my 20s. You know why because everybody knows the secret now… that now a woman sleeps with a man, right away. It’s not because we don’t respect ourselves. It’s because we don’t respect you.
We don’t see you as marriage material. That’s why we let your d*** inside so fast. By letting you in… We are really kicking you out of our future. Bye Felicia. Be on your marry little way. We are just trying to have fun, not trap your a**.
But… but you better be careful because when a man… when a man doesn’t sleep with you right away. Oh. oh… it’s not because he respects you. It’s because he has a small d***.And he is trying to trap you…
Do not fault for that trap… I am going to repeat that sh** to my daughter over, and over, and over, again. Do not fault for that trap. I felt for that sh** once.I fell in love and went in a semi long term relationship with a man who kept on wanting to wait to have s**.I assume it because he thought that I was so special and amazing, and worth waiting for.
He was hiding something. Months later… he finally agrees to get busy.And unveils this tiny mess of a thing that would not even reach your boulders.It was a black dude. Creepy right? It’s like seeing a homeless asian person.
“What, what happen to you? Oh my gosh. Who are your parents?”
It was a black dude, and I told all my black friends about it. And they were like, “Where the f*** is he at? We need to assassinate him right now. Before he tarnish our sacred reputation.”
It was the first and last time that I had ever seen a micro p****.And my honest first reaction, when I saw it, was, “Oh my gawd. Are you ok? What happen did you get hit by a bus.”
Thank you Amanda for pushing that buzzer. Ever since you did that, my life has been bonkers. People are approaching me on the road saying, “well done.” But the most common question I get is, “You from where? Is it Mali, Mau..”
It’s Malaui.If anybody don’t know where that is, it’s where McDonna adopted all the babies from. That’s us. Yeah, you’re jealous. I do miss my little brother. And Angelina took my sister.
I have been in the UK for a while. I’ve been tricked into moving here. I was tricked because I was watching television. And I saw an angry guy came on television, and said, “Ah, these immigrants are taking all the good jobs, all the good women.” I was like, “Wow, that is what I am looking for.”
But I know sometimes comedy… it’s hard laugh sometimes because the news is full of depressing stuff.But I think the thing is, it’s misleading because amazing things happen everyday: Little act of kindness. But they don’t report it. They put it on page 10. They open to the doom and gloom.
If the BBC was the mate of yours, you never go over. “Look, I’m not going to that depressing BBQ. I”m going to hangout with Cartoon Network.”
But it is an amazing time to be alive. People say stuff like, “ohh. I miss the good old days.”
The good old days were terrible. We got amazing stuff. We got wifi. Yeah, we got rights. We can vote. Yeah. I’m black. 200 years ago, this would have been an auction.
We have come a long way. That’s all I am saying. But even with the doom and gloom. The malarian press is a lot worse than the press here. I can tell you. Like I did the first comedy show inMalarie, which is an accomplishment cause I’m the only stand up comedian. And I called the local press, and I said, “send the reporter. “
They say, “Wha… Why don’t you write the review yourself? You give some money. I would say we wrote it.”
I was disgusted by the total lack of integrity in the Malarian press.But wow that was the best review I have ever got. 7 stars!!!! He is a genius. The African Joe McEntire.
It’s crazy amongst television right now because my ex always felt I wasn’t ambitious enough. She was like, “You are a comedian. Come on. Be more ambitious.”
I said, “Hey, I’m happy. “
She said, “You are not happy.”
I said, “I think I’m happy.”
She said, “No. Be more ambitious. I did not sign up for somebody who is going nowhere.”
I snapped. I told her, “Look.If you knew I was ambitious the day we met. Out of all the women in the bar, I approached you.”
Yeah, you are laughing. I”m single now.I am looking for love. I admit it. I’m looking for love. I gotta get that citizenship.
But it’s hard to date on a budget. I remember the day when the women made a lot more money than me, which is not a problem. We are in the 21st century.. But I was ashamed.
I remember the Waiter came up, assuming that I was going to pay. Put the bill in front of me. I had to go, “hey, I’ll get the next one.”
I felt pathetic, watching her pay. I wanted so badly to be part of the transaction, so I just took the change.
I don’t understand the British. I see a beautiful British women looking at the mirror upset. I said “What’s going on.”
She said, “CAn’t you see. It’s a fat mirror.”
I said, “What you mean. The mirror is the fat mirror.”
She said, “This mirror makes me look fat than I really am.”
I said, “wow. I think my eyes have the same problem.”
I was not mocking her. Don’t be angry at me. It was a cultural misunderstanding. I”m from Africa. It’s different. When we see someone overweight, we don’t think go on a diet. We were like, “where did you get the food.“
Well I’m at that age now.All my friends are getting married.Married people forget how hard it is being single. They love to call me and complain about their couple problems.
I always get, “you are so lucky being single. I get home. My wife starts nag, nag.”
I’m like, “Hey, I have nag myself.”I get home. I’m like, “What time I call this. Why don’t I ever do the dishes.” Sometime, I don’t appreciate myself.
I have not always been a comedian. I did some weird jobs. I used to clean houses. I admit. I was attempted to steal. I didn’t steal cause the Bible says, “Thou shall not steal.” But nowhere did it say, “Thou shall not swap.” I took the stereo, and left a walkman. I took a plasma screen, and left an etch sketch.
As I mention, I am from Africa. I move here 10 years ago.Immediately I moved here… I hear a lot of British people talking about the financial crisis, The recession. I’m from Africa. What are you maniacs talking about. You call that a crisis?!?! If that’s a crisis, where’s UNICEF? Where is Bono? I have not seen one, “Save the UK concert.” You can tell me, “It’s a financial crisis,” when there’s plane, flying over Berbingham, tossing fish and chips out the window. It would be a financial crisis when there’s Ads on television saying, “This child has to walk 5 miles a day, to get a bottle of WKD Blue. “ And 100 percent, you have gotten a financial crisis when India starts to open call centers here. Can you imagine some poor guy in Mumbai calls
My sister freakin scared me this morning. I was asking my mom if this is her money. All of a sudden, my sister woke up and said, "That's my money!" I was terrified and shocked. I was like, "you are so dramatic and very emotional." Yeah, I know. First thing you wake up, and you start shouting -- so intense. My heart almost jumped out of my throat. I was about to open my wallet, and give her all my money. Worst yet -- I felt like putting my hands up because she acted like I stole her money or something. "That's my MONEY!!!!!" I square -- I almost thought our neighbor was about to call the police. And I was thinking an escape route at my own place. Plus, my sister's new eye brow tat did not help the situation either. She looks for very serious and animated, "That's my money!!!!" All of that drama for 5 bucks. 5 bucks?1!? She acted like we stole a crap load of cash from her bank account.
Thank you. Thank you. I don't know if Ed did mention this. I was recently in Black Entertainment Television. I kind of having feeling that most of you haven't seen it. I don't know why. Last week I went to the movie. You know what movie I have a problem with? The Batman Movie. Have you guys noticed? Batman never fights crime in neighborhoods that need it. You know. I would love to see Batman fight crime in my neighborhood. I can see him now. He just, "Robin."
"Yes Batman."
"Didn't we park the car right here man?
I'm telling you man. Growing up in D.C. D.C. is a crazy place to grow up. I had the most dangerous job in the district of Columbia. I used to deliver Pizza for Dominoes. They would rob me everyday. I had to get a gun, man. Have you ever seen a dominoes pizza boy with a gun? I used to bust some people's apartments... Just..."Poof... Dominoes freeze. Put the money on the floor, on the floor. Don't move. Alright."
Thank you. Thank you very much folks. I'm killing already. Like Ed mentioned. I am original from D.C. man. Alright I got some people from D.C. Good to see you alive folks. Let me tell you something. That is a dangerous city man. People end up doing whole bunch of crazy stuff. There is this guy in my neighborhood named Curtis. He used to walk back and forth on my block. Complained about stuff all day. Just you know, "Damn. Damn."
I said, "Curtis, What's wrong?"
"Man, everybody thinks I'm a drug dealer just because I have a beeper."
I had to explain to him about something, "Curtis, you got to understand. 6 is young to have a beeper. Don't you think?" Oh, man.
I'm glad you guys are clapping about it. Cause Curtis got real mad at me. He got into his car and drove off. It's a nightmare man.
I was a bad kid myself, man. They turned me around. They sent me to this program called Scared Straight. That's where they send bad kids like me to prison, and all the prisoners are yelling at us like, "Err, Err." You know. Try to scare us to being good. I was heckling, "Ehhhh, shut up you convict. Like I'm going to take advice from you. You like a person who made all the right choices in life." I mean. You know. I don't want you think like I'm a bad guy. The only reason I said that because I knew they would not touch me -- until they did. The guy grabed me by my throat, "Huh, listen here boy. I'm going to tell you now. If you come to prison, you will be my woman." That worked too. Thank you very much ladies and gentlemen. You have been a lot of fun.
Thank you. Hey... Thank you guys very much. Like Ed said. I am gonna appearing in court. It's a crazy story. I'm eating dinner at a restaurant with my best friend. He has a little argument over the check with the waiter. The next thing we know... The owner, the manager, all the employees come out and beat the crap out of him, right in front of me. Kapow. He is suing them for half a million dollars. Kaboo. He probably win the case because the whole incident was recorded on video tape. Yeah. Now, I know what you guys are probably thinking. You probably saying, "Man, that Dave, is amazing." No, it's not. That's why me and my buddy always carry a camera recorder with us. Really. Everyone should cause you never know when the Kodak moment might pop up. We'll be hanging out, and be like, "Alright Dave, go ahead. I got you."
I'm not a big animal person. Some animal I hate. Uh. Bats. I think bats are disgusting. I hate bats. I hate rats with leather wings. Have you ever seen one? They look around. It's like somebody. They have a face. It's disgusting. Hate bats. Oh I am sure there's a whole thing, "Did you know that bats make all the french toast in the world." Whatever. I don't care. Hate them. I had a bad bat experience.
It's summer. We rented a house in the summer for me and the kids. My ex wife shares custody with the kids. So one month with her and one month with me. We have a nice house out of the country. It's beautiful. The kids loved it. The kids go to sleep like 8 o clock at night. So I am laying awake. Terrified. Terrified. I'm so scared in this country. It's just quiet and just mystery. Trees and darkness. I live in New York City. I feel perfectly safe there. I'm surrounded by murderers, child molesters, Jews. Ha ha ha. There are, there are. There are bunch of those.
So one night I'm in the country house, laying awake, begging for the freakin sun to come up, so I can sleep through the day with the kids. I'm laying awake. My bedroom is near the kitchen. Suddenly I hear this sound, "hee hee hee." I heard that clears as a bell. Immediately my heart is pounding. I have a heart attack right now because there is a witch in the kitchen. First of all there are no witches. No doubt in that moment. So I go down stairs. I'm terrified. I'm standing outside of the kitchen door like this for an hour. Too scared to go in... A little of logic just seeped in. Even if there is a witch in there. She wouldn't just make a noise, and stand there for an hour.
So I go in the kitchen. I hear the noise again. And it was the dish washer. The dish washer has weird tubes. As the soap goes through them, it gets kind of vocal. It was the weirdest thing to see my dish washer do it. So I was like alright. It's cool. Fine. There is no witches. I was about to go upstairs, and a bat... A freaking asshole bat. He was like, "Hee hee." He flew right by my head like this... I went, "Ahhh." Fell on the floor. I immediately crawl into the closet. I closed the door and called 911 right away.
I don't if you ever called 911, and you don't realize that you shouldn't be calling 911. "911, tell us your emergency."
"Uhm I'm very sorry. Very sorry to be bothering you."
"Sir what's the problem."
"There's a bat in my house. And I don't like it."
She was nice to me because it was country 911. If you call 911 in New York City, "there's a bat in my house." He would be like, "Sir, we will send a car right over to shoot you in the face." But she was nice, "Sir, we understand. You are divorce. You are over staying in the country house. You are in over your head." She said, "Call this guy. He's the guy that takes care of bats. Bat is his focus." She did a lot of work, so she will not have to say the word batman. She was like going around. He is a male human. Bats are his... I'm not gonna say Batman. I'm not going to say it.
So I called the batman. He comes over. I'm in the closet, looking through the crack. The bat is on the ceiling, hanging upside down, looking around. It's the most disgusting thing. So finally there's a knock on my door. I crawled to the door, and I opened it. He was like, "Hello, where's the bat." I'm like, "Ahhhh." So the guy walks over, and he just takes the bat. That's it. He just took it. He was like, "Alright." I was like, "Yeah, you pretty much nailed it. That's amazing." It's like, "Help, there's a box of tissue on my table. Oh thank goodness. What a relief to have a man in the house. Would you like some sweet tea. Wasn't expecting company. Oh my rob fell open."
Seth McFarlin. Come on everyone. Take it easy on Seth. It's gotta be hard for him to do a roast, especially because the Simpsons haven't done it yet. If only the Simpsons were wiping it's ass in front of Seth McFarlin, he can learn to do it too. But sadly Seth McFarlin's bulky ass is caked in layers of unwiped excrementing shame because the simpsons haven't done it yet.
Lisa Lampernitie. I saw lisa had a little trouble choosing what to wear this evening. She couldn't decide between the honey glaze or the pinapple slices. Lisa, I do have on question. Where are all those black guys you claim to be having sex with. Do you really think that this day in age there is a single black guy who would be caught dead inside anyone who is the size of a slave ship. Actually, Lisa has an important role in African American history. It turns out the last black man to pick cotton was yanking out her tampons.
Here's a joke. Pamela Anderson is walking on the beach. She stumbles upon a magic lamp. She rubs a lamp, and genie pops out. And the genie says, "I'm here to grant you one wish." Pam says, "I want you to make VIP the hit show it should have been." The genie says, "Even with all my powers I can't do that. Can I grant you a different wish?" So Pam says, "Ok, Can you make my vagina tight again?" And the genie says, "Let me take another look at VIP."
David Hasselhoff walks into a bar. Every morning and stays there until it closes. You know. I always heard that David Hasselhoff has sold millions in Germany. But like alot stories that are from Germany, those numbers are probably inflated if not a complete hoax. David Hasselhoff is running on the beach in slow motion. He stumbles upon a magic lamp. He rubs the lamp. A genie pops out. And says, "I'm here to grant you one wish." David says, "Can you make Baywatch Nights the hit show it should have been?" The genie says, "I've seen Baywatch Nights, and even with all my powers I can't make that show go any good. You have to pick a different wish." So David thinks and says, "Can you make Pamela Anderson's Vagina tight again?" The genie says, "No, no, a thousand times, NO. There's nothing that can be done about Pamela Anderson's vagina. Then David Hasselhoff says, "Ok, can you make me a great singer?" So the genie's thinks and goes, "Alekazam, you are a great singer." David Hasselhoff immediately embarks in a singing tour. And the genie laughs his ass off. He goes, "Oh my gawd, look at that David Hasselhoff, thinking he can sing. What an asshole."
