Bruce Lee is dynamite in the Dojo by Eddie Griffin

That Bruce Lee is a bad mo-fo. Five foot seven, 140 pounds -- dynamite. You understand me. That mo-fo in the movie walks in the dojo -- 300 mo-fo. Bruce walks in, and I love his walk. He had this walk... Oh he was a chigga, a Chinese iggy. That little mo-fo has some little chocolate in him.

"We can fight one at a time or all together."

If you sit in that dojo, you gotta ask yourself two questions. Either he got a bomb oh his ass or he is really a bad mo-fo. Neither one of them are good.

If I was in that set, I would be like, "hey, hey, hold up. They got black belt. My crap is orange. You're the teacher, teach. Now if you whoop his ass, then I will take your class."

Jo Koy Loses his Keys While His Mom Makes Fun Of Joseph

When I lost something, I lost it. My mom will never help me find crap, right? Normal parents help their freakin kids, right? Normal parents help, right? "Okay, did you lose something? Your keys? Was it in here? What jeans? Were you wearing jeans? Well, let's look for those jeans." That's how you freaking help your kids find crap. Not my mom.

When I lost something, I guarantee my mom is right behind me messing with me. She enjoys that kind of stuff. If I'm looking under the coach, I guarantee my mom is right behind me, "Oh, what? what? What's under the coach? What's under the coach Joseph? Is it your keys? Did you lose your keys again? Oh, maybe they walked under the coach like that..." Now I gotta ask my mom for help. That's the worst mistake I can make.

"Mom, I'm late for work. Do you know where my keys are?"

"Joseph, did you just ask me where's your keys are? Isn't that a stupid question? That is a stupid question Joseph. Excuse me person that does not drive my car, do you know where my keys are? That is stupid Joseph. Why don't you ask me where's my keys are? I know the answer to that. Go ahead Joseph. Ask me. Come on. Ask me right now."

"Mom, do you know where your keys are?"

"Of course I do. Of course I do Joseph. I know where my keys are all the time. You know why Joseph? Because I put it in the same place like I always put my keys. I hang them over here on this wooden plaque. That says keys. Joseph, when you lose something, do you use your eyes to look for it or do you use your mouth? Because every time you lose something Joseph, you use your mouth to find something. You can't find anything like that Joseph. You just walking around, "Has anybody seen my keys? I don't know where my keys are." Open your eyes. Look for it.

Martin Lawrence takes survey on who believes in Prenuptial Prenup

Let me ask you a question. Do you believe in prenuptial? 1, 2, 3, and lady right there -- ok. Wow, you all believe in that. Oh uh, who don't believe it that? Whow. Over ruled. Pop. Over ruled.

I see you. I see don't believe it that. Well, that's cool cause believe in love, and let it be. You will roll with that, and let the heart take over. Then see what happens. That's a beautiful thing. That's a beautiful thing.

Let me ask you something -- hypothetically speaking. Uh mmm... Let's say uh... We were getting married -- some crap. This is hypothetical, right? And coming into the marriage, I got uh... 400 hundred million. And that's what I am coming in here with... And uh... you coming in with a bag. Do you still think you should get some of that 400 hundred mill?

Shia LaBeouf how he got Arrested in cabaret burlesque

How does one get arrested from a cabaret?

So I land in New York, coming back from Ireland, visiting my girl. And in Ireland, like you go to Rome, you have spaghetti. You know. When you go to Ireland, you drink whiskey. So I have been drinking a lot of whiskey in Ireland. I come back, and land, and it's the world cup. And you drink a lot of whiskey during the world cup. So I sitting at a bar. I'm drinking a lot of whiskey, and watching the world cup, South Korea vs Lithuania. I really cared at this point. I'm drunk enough to really care. So I'm all Lithuanian. And I go outside to have a cigarette, and there's this homeless man. I'm here with this homeless marine. And I start talking to him. Start to get into a conversation. And a woman runs up start taking pictures of me with her cellphone. And it trips him out. I can't really calm him down, so he starts running down the road after 30 minutes of conversation. So I start running after him. I'm trying to calm a homeless man in middle of time square. And he doesn't want anything to do with me. But I'm not giving up. I chase him for a while. He's gone.

I turn around to the bar to pay my bill. Then I see this dude come towards me. He says, "hey Shia, i'm a big fan. what are you doing tonight?" I'm like, "I'm looking to turn it up a bit. You know. I'm trying to have a good night here. Done with this Lithuanian thing. What's going on?" And he says, "Well, why don't you come to my show? we have cabaret." I was like, "Cabaret, yeah. I love cabaret. Cabaret is exactly what I want to do." so he gives me a ticket.

And the cabaret is a block away from my bar. Now the drink is starting to kick in. I'm good and drunk at this point. I make it into the theater. What i know of Broadway is this kind of setup. And this show, it had many tables.

Comedian John Mulaney chases Lady in Queens Long Island by mistake

I live here for a while now, and there is a new thing where like late at night on the street where women see me as a threat. That is funny. Yeah. It's kind of flattering on it's on way, but at the same time it's weird because I'm still afraid of being kidnapped.

But I give here a best example of this. A couple of months ago, I'm at a subway station in Long Island city Queens. Oh yeah. Do go if you get the chance, a beautiful place. I'm changing between subway trains, and it's 2 o clock in the morning. And you have to walk down this long corridor in order to change trains, 2 o clock in the morning. It's just me and this woman. And she is walking a few yards ahead of me. And we're walking down. And she starts giving this like, "the over the shoulder." Like that. And then she starts picking up the pace. She starts to walk a lot faster.

So I think, "Oh, she must here the train coming." You know. Or she feels it in her feet like a native american in the movies. So I start to sprint down the hallway at her. And she looks back, and was like, "ahhhh." Then she gets chased. So we're sprinting down the corridor at 2 o clock in the morning. And I'm gaining on her. I'm gaining on her, and we're at the end of the hallway. And she goes into that dead end shuffle. You know. What women do when you chase them.

And I'm almost there. I'm almost at her. Then it dawns on me, "Oh she's running away from me." Because in her eyes, I'm an adult. And adults rape each other -- kind of a lot. So I want to go up her, and be like, "whow. no. no. no. no. I'm not like a, a, a... like a man." I'm just a stupid punk.

Little Johnny Joke Married to Grandma

One day Little Jonnie says to his father: I want to get married.

Father: Oh, so do you have someone special in your mind?

Johnny: Yes...Grandma

Father: What? There is a problem now; you want to marry my Mother? 

Johnny: Why not? You married my mother

Louis CK describes tits in his breast way he can on How and Why the addiction

We love women a lot -- all men do. And we just look at you. I just look at women, "urrr," like there's cake behind the window, "urrr."

I was walking in New York once, and there's this two cute little women walking behind me. And I was trying to walk slowly, so I can hear what they were saying to each other. You know. Because they were cute. So I wanted to hear them. That would help me in anyway.

 "Don't you wish the guy in front of us would squeeze our tits for one second."

 "Okay."

 We have a flaw in all men that we would do that. If you were a woman, you can ask any guy on planet earth, "Can you squeeze my tits for one second?" And one hundred percent of us would go, "Oh yes of course." That doesn't matter. I can do open heart surgery, "Yeah, ok." He is not your tits don't worry about him.

 I don't know why we love tits so much. Some people say because we breast feed, but so do women. Well, you know -- Baby women, grown up women don't usually... You don't see a 68 year woman like... Weaver like sucking milk, on a young woman's tits, "Thank you Debra. I will see you tomorrow." It's not the usual thing.

 The elderly breast feeding a young, except for the end of the grapes of wrath. I didn't mean to ruin the ending for you, but you should have been reading it by now. If you read the grapes of wrath, that's how it ends. A old, dying man sucking on a young lady's tits. And then the book is over. And you're like, "omg what happen." There's no book in that genre. A dense, classic book that ends with one line of pornographic language.

 Have you ever been in a crowded area, and you have to squeeze in, and you elbow touches a tit. I be like, "I just touched a tit. I know i did because the male's elbow is very sensitive." You can drive a nail in it, and I will not be able to feel it. But a tit, through a shirt, a sweater, and a jacket, and her shirt, a sweater, and a jacket, and a bra, "it's a tit. I know it. It's rare to touch one tit. It's like a 4 leaf clover. The only time you were able to touch one tit is when it was by accident. Everything in moderation.

Bobby Lee Best Animated Asian Comedian What Ethnicity Are You

Where's all the white people? I love white people so much. I am tired of the details about their ethnicity, nationality. I don't give a crap what you are. People that get into details, "I'm half German, quarter Irish, part Navajo Indian."

You are freaking white. Just say white.

Imagine a girl today, "I'm half Chinese, and half Mexican."

Then you're Filipino. Just say Filipino.

White people say racist stuff accidentally. That's gotta stop. I had this photo-shoot for this Harlem kumar movie. The photographer is white. He kept saying, "Bobby, can we get some expression in your eyes."

I'm like, "What the crap is this? There is only two thing it does open and close. This is happy, angry, and all that crap. Take the picture before I close them."

I just get nervous when race is brought up. I'm American citizen you know. I'm at a starbux. This really happened. This old man came up to me. He goes, "Are you Korean?"

I got scared. I was like, "yeahhh."

And he goes, "I fought in the Korean War."

What does he want me to say? Thank you? Cool? What came out of my mouth was, "Me too."

Then he got mad, "What!!!!!"

Then I start to improvise, "That's my name, Me Too."

KT Tatara is Asian Enough because he is Half Japanese and White

I did not have a lot of Asian friends growing up. Then I move out here in California. There's alot more Asians. There's a whole Asian thing going on out here. Sometimes they get mad at me for not being Asian enough. Like one time, I was at the mall, and I was trying to flirt with this Asian girl there. I was like, "Hey, yeah, what kind of Asian are you?"

Yup, Yup. That's how you do it.

And she goes, "uh, actually, I'm Chinese, Vietnamese, and Filipino."

I was like , "Whow, you got three parents?! Hell yah." You know. Just a silly joke, right? Well, she didn't get it.

She was like, "what? No, I have to dumb butt."

Like she was that hot. You know what I mean. She's like I-don't-get-jokes hot. Like everything. So i was like, "nah, no. I was making a joke.

Then this Asian dude comes over, "what's a problem, bro. what's the problem, bro. You messing with her? what's the problem, bro? Stop bothering her bro. What's the problem bro."

I just started laughing. Because look. Asian guy I'm sorry. It's like, you know. It's not threatening when Asian dudes are angry. It just looks like you just smelled a bad fart. "What's up bro? you got a problem bro? You bothering her bro?"

I was like, "what the. nah man. I just made a joke. She didn't get it. Be cool man. Look man. You Asian. I'm Asian. Why won't we be cool?"

"Puh, you think you Asian dawg? You ain't even asian man. Look at you all acting white. You ain't even Asian dawg. You are white wash. I bet you are one of those half breeds dawg. You just white wash. You think you asian? You ain't even asian dawg. You just acting white." I was like, "uhm... you sound black."

If we are going to play the stereo type game. What the hell is that. He calling me white wash, and he is working at the diesel store. I'm sure you dad is very proud that you are selling belts at the mall.

I'm not disowning my Asian self. I'm mix. I'm half white, and half Japanese. I'm a little bit of both. I want to learn about my Asian side, so I went to japan about a year and half ago. It was cool man. I really like to learn some stuff about japan. Going as an adult I had a different perspective. I figured out why they are so smart with all the technology and electronic stuff because they are good listeners. It's all it is. If you listen to the conversation, it doesn't matter what people are saying. They are always very focus. Like, "oooooooooo." It makes me feel good.

Little Johnny Jokes -- How many apples did he eat for breakfast?

At school one morning the teacher asked little Johnny what he had for breakfast.

 Little Johnny said, "Well, on my way to school I come cross this Apple tree, so I climbed up there and started eating apples." "I guess I eat about six," said little Johnny.

"No," said the teacher, "it's ate!"

 Little Johnny said "Well it could've been eight, I don't remember."

Jim Gaffigan Weddings are Expensive and Weird Transition from Girls as Property to Princess Where Magic Exist

At times I feel like I'm trying to get fat. Last time I was eating a pint of ice cream, and I finished it cause I am American, alright. I took off the lid, and threw it away cause I'm not a quitter, everyone. And -- cause I care for the environment. I was conserving energy by not freezing. Your welcome. Of course it was at night. Have you ever eat ice cream during the day? What are we? 6 years old? We just got our tonsils out? Why are there people around me? Shouldn't I be alone, watching lifetime? "Those hoarders. Those are the people with problems." I always eat ice cream with sweatpants like a man.

My wife came into the room, "Jim, are you going to eat the entire pint of ice cream by yourself?"

I said, "Hopefully. Unless you selfishly want a bite."

"Jim, you have a 9 year old daughter. Don't you want to be at her wedding?"

"Not really. No. What, do you think there's going to be ice cream at her wedding? Cause if you promise... I still don't want to go."

How is attending a wedding... Why would that be an incentive?

"Don't you die! In 18 years there's going to be awkward party that you have to pay for. We need you to write a check."

No I understand weddings, and why it is important event where we spend a lot of money where a bride can pretend to be a -- princess. And marry her prince. And live happily forever after because magic exist.

We are a bunch of weirdos. Weddings are kind of weird. What's the logic? Well, we love each other. Why don't we pretend we have a kingdom. We will invite your parent's friends and my parent's friends. Then we will have a banquet. And two kingdoms will come together as one. We can start our married life in a total fantasy before we go on a completely unjustified vacation.

It's strange right? Weddings started as a crude, mid-evil ceremony where women's daughters exchange as properties. In the course of centuries, it has gotten worse. That's why people cry at weddings. "I can't still believe we are wasting money on this." Whenever i see somebody crying at a wedding, I say, "Don't worry. It probably won't work out."

Senior Citizens Always Cutting in Line with a Valid Excuse

Senior Citizens have their own rules.

Oh yeah, old people do what they want and how they want it. It's like anytime I go into a bank. We all have to wait in line at the bank. Old people just go for it. They, they. I see old people stand at the door and size up people, waiting in line. They like, "I can make it." They just decide to.. Have you ever seen a guy walk in a bank? And once they see people looking at them, they start getting older with osteoporosis on their back. They cut in line for... And most people will give them that look like, "Oh, he is getting old. He is gonna die soon. Just let him go." You know.

Black woman ain't letting nobody cut in line. Since... She would read your... She can be the 15th person in the back of the line. She be like, "Yeah girl, I only got 10 minutes left in... Oh no, he didn't. Hold up. Where is he? Where is he?" Have you ever seen this? They always have like Krispy Creame, "Uhm. Excuse me! Excuse me Boo. Ok. Alright." They get mad at everybody else that ain't saying nothing. "So you all gonna let that happen, right? Nobody saying anything? You gonna let that... Let him slide up."

There's always one nosey dude in the line like, "Come on geez. Let him go. He's old."

She be like, "Ok. Let me explain something. This is an A B conversation. You got to C you out of my face. Don't get me started with the animal on top of your head. You trying to pass for hair. Anyway, get that man in the back of the line."

Then the old dude always got something sleek. He would turned around and be like, "She told me to come back to this window when I am finishing out my form."

Then she feels like a fool. She don't know what to say, "ah uhm. what kind of shoes are those?"

Earthquake relationships are very Shaky 3 out of 4 ends up divorce

Earthquake, what's going on with your marriage.

It's over. I went to the store and never came back. Yeah, marriage is rough. I never will get married again. She took me forever thing I got. I have no luck with women at all. Oh, it's terrible. In Katrina, I even picked up a chick in the shelter. She was like, "Nah, I'm gonna wait on femur." And that's bad. But nah. I would never get married.

Is that your first marriage?

First and last.

Yeah, I said that 3 times.

You know the odds are against you. 55% percent of marriage ends in divorce. You got to figure another 20% percent want to get a divorce or should get a divorce, but they don't because of religion, children, and a man who wants to take disco dance again. It comes down to the odds of 3 out 4 marriage don't work. People keep getting married. I don't understand. If 3 out of 4 people hit you on the head, you would not get out anymore.

Geoff Brown talks about the Relationship Struggle between Feeling it and Getting it

Baby. Babies make me nervous. Have any of you guys seen a size? Are babies getting bigger now, when they come out? My best friend's baby was 14 pounds, 14 pounds. They didn't even hold him like a baby. They hold him by the mouth like a fish. And he cries like a grown man, "Urrrrrr." It's ugh. His big head is large -- just abnormal. What if your body never caught up with your head? Just imagine people him laying at home now, "I can't leave. I can't leave." Big headed people make nervous too.

Ugly people make me nervous. I'm telling you. I mean, luckily, there are no ugly people around in the studio. The security is like, "ta ta ta, you can't come here. Your teeth looks like it came to the front to breathe. You can't. Ta ta ta. Lazy eyes -- I hate that. If there is somebody out there with that, cover you eyes when you talk to people. I'm tired of figuring out what you are trying to say. Go get a job at Magic Mountain, giving out tickets or something. Your dog is not disobedient. He is confused. He don't know what to do.

You know my next woman is going to be Latin. I love... I love... Latin women are worth every bullet in your car. Oh, she is just so fine, so sexy - until the age of 35. Then Jesus pulled a rip chord on a life raft. Ass and belly goes, "blah blah blah." When she unzips her pants, she gets shorter, "phsssshhhssh." That's what I'm looking for.

I think we put too much pressure on women -- what size they got to be, a certain shape to be. In fact ladies, I think that is wrong. God made you in all different shapes and sizes. This is true. This is true. If a man cannot love you and respect you for the size that you are, what the hell, maybe you need to lose a little more weight then. That's not really the way I feel. I don't like little, skinny bony women. Ew, you can see the cheerios go down her throat. That's a no. I like a girl with some meat on her that can help me move a coach. I don't have to call my friends.

Yeah, yeah, I go kids. If I can give any advise to anybody, oh yeah, I will give my kids away. If you anyone of you have 1500 dollars, you can have the one that is good at math. Keep your numbers low. When you start having kids, keep your numbers low.

Let's just say you go out on a night like tonight where you spend a whole bunch of your money. You get back home. It's just you and her. You set the mood. You put the lights down low. You put on some music. Hugging goes to kissing. Kissing goes to feeling. Feeling goes to gropping. You are around 3rd base. You are about to do your thang. She goes, "Wait, Wait. I just want you to hold me." Hold me? Like that's it? "If you can't hold me, you are not sensitive to my emotional needs as a woman." Fellas you can't get mad. You can't get loud. Just accept it. You are not getting any.

Keep her attracted to yourself. Kiss her goodnight, and take her shopping the next day. The key to a women's heart is some place in a damn mall.

"Yeah, we are shopping for you today. We are not shopping for big daddy. We are shopping for you. You see those dresses you like there -- 1200 a piece. They only got 7 different colors. Get them down right now. Tennis bracelet? I even didn't know you played. Alright. You want the big diamonds? Sure. Oh go to the cash register now? Oh no no. I was thinking we can stand here and hold all of this. Yeah like last night -- just feeling it without actually getting it.

Matthew Perry Loves Serena Williams Prank at the ESPY with Pants Down

Good evening, and welcome to the ESPY awards. I'm Matthew Perry, and I am so pumped to be here. When I say pumped, I mean I'm rolling out of my skull. Tonights the night when sports meet entertainment, and says, "Hey, How are you? How you doing? Let's give out some awards. And entertainment says, "Yeah, alright."

It's been a wonderful year in sports, especially for me. My Red Sox won the World Series. My Patriots won the Super Bowl again. And 10 minutes ago I had World Class Sex with Serena Williams back stage. I'm just kidding. It was 20 minutes ago.

Ladies and Gentlemen we are fortunately in the presence of greatness here tonight. 7 times grand slam Champion, clearly a very good sport, is Serena Williams. The new record holder for touchdowns in a single season, Peyton Manning. And the first woman to every hold a lead in the Indinapolis 500, Danica Patrick. I think Lance Armstrong deserves an around applause.

Kevin James loves Air Conditioner on Star Search

I feel great. I'm glad I took the time to get in shape for the show. That was important to me. I'm actually looking at the bright side of looking heavy. You know. There is a bright side I guess. For instance, I don't need an iron anymore. That's pretty cool.

It's so hot in here. I cannot take it anymore. In my room, I have air conditioning, which is great. I grew up without air conditioning. It was the worst. My dad was too cheap, "Ah, we don't need an air conditioner. We will get those oscilatting fans. They are just as good." What a horrible invention this is. It's like waiting for a bus, "Oh man, when is that cold air going to get here."

"Ahhhhhhhhh..."

"Oh, wow. That was refreshing. I'm still sweating, and my clothes is sticking to me."

"Ahhhhhhhh..."

I'm trying new stuff while I am down here. I tried water skiing for the first time. I don't know if you guys ever tried it. I hated it. It's a lot of work for a small amount of fun. You got to put that vest on and your ski on; put your gloves on; grab a handle; straighten out the rope; and embrace yourself. Ok, I'm ready. Boom. I'm done. I gotta pull around, and locate my bathing suit.

KT Tara Believes In Equality on the First Date

I believe in equality for men and women. I really stand for that man. I went on a date with this girl recently, and she wanted me to pay. I have strict no paying policy on the first date ok. Oh I'm sorry ladies. I thought you guys were I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T. You know what that means. It means you can pay for some crap ok. That's a rap song. Just in case I spelled it out. Ask a black person.

Look. We don't know each other. Why don't we split it, and see what happens, right? If I am your boyfriend, I buy you stuff. I'm not against paying ever. I'm saying on the first date. How about no pressure, right?

This girl got so mad, "Oh omg. You are such a cheap guy. I think a guy should pay. I'm just old fashion."

And I felt bad. I was like, "Oh no. I'm sorry. I'm old fashion too. So how about you shut your mouth. Ah ah ah ah oh oh."

If you so old fashion, why don't you put on an apron? I'll pay for your meal when you make it. How about that? I will start voting. I will take a crap in a wood. How far do you want to go back? Do you remember the time stuff, huh? Oh, you are selectively traditional. Oh I see. Okay.

I have been single for 10 years, successfully. Thank you very much. I say successfully cause it's hard to be single for that long right. Girls try to use it against you like, "That's why you don't have a girlfriend?"

It's easy to have a girlfriend. What do I have to do? Get yelled at and be wrong at all the time. I can do that. Come on. It's easy to have a girlfriend, right?

Here's the thing. I just don't like... In a relationship, there's always a power struggle, right. In the beginning of a relationship, who's in control? Man or Woman? What do you guys think? The woman. Dude don't say anything, "ah uh duh ah hu, the woman." You know what? I think the dude is in control at the begining. Girls is in charge of the bed. You guys regulate the flaps. Yeah, you control that. But dudes are control of the relationship. You know why? Because girls, generally, are pretty much indecisive in the begining, right? It's like, "What movie you want to see?"

"I don't know. You pick."

"Do you want to go in or stay out tonight?"

"I don't know. You decide."

"What do you do later?"

"I don't know. You pick and decide."

What the hell. The problem is 6 months later. They start using that stuff against you. One night she'll be like, "You are so controlling. We always want to do what you want to do. I never get to say anything."

What does the guy do? "Okay, I'm sorry. We do whatever you want alright."

That's when girls take control -- in the middle of the relationship.

Anthony Jeselnik on Foot Fetish Dates

There's one thing that I did not understood was the foot fetish. Are you guys together right here? Yeah? How long have you been together? 5 years? Wow. Did you ever suck on her feet? No? Would you -- if you have a different girlfriend? Or are across the board no feet? Cause I'm the cross the board no feet. I once went on a date with a girl where we went hiking -- her idea. And while we're hiking she get bit by a snake in between two toes. And I had to suck out the poison -- so she's dead.

What's your name? Where you from Bridget? The suburbs. That sure narrows it down. What's up. What do you do? What do you do when you are being so freaking boring? Take your time. I'm really funny.

Godfrey Air Jordans $200 in Chicago and School Bus

And you know, my parents grew up poor alright. So you know, when you have parents growing up poor, you can't come to them with your bogus excuses. Cause in Chicago, it's like the bus broke down one time, and I had to walk to school. I had the nerve to tell my dad.

I said, "Dad, check this out. My bus broke down. I had to walk to school. Did you believe that?"

"Come here. When I was your age, I walked a hundred miles to school. And when we got there, there was no school."

So you know. I had to get Air Jordans cause Air Jordans was big time in Chicago -- $200. I saved up $195. I just have to ask my dad for $5. You know.

I said, "Dad, I want to get these Air Jordans. They are $200, but I saved up to $195. I need $5. I will pay you back next week."

"Come here. You want $5 for Air Jordans? When I was your age, we didn't have feet."

Sinbad compares Vegetarians and Meat Eaters in the Animal Kingdom Planet Food Chain

Anybody here a vegetarian, against killing animals? Maybe 1 or 2. There are lots in California, "The poor animals. The poor animals. We need to eat vegetables." God made us run fast or else we get killed. It's in the bible, the second krorytheum, "Thou shall run as fast as you can. When caught, we shall be eaten."

Anybody here vegetarian? You vegetarian? Why are you a vegetarian? You don't know why do you? It's only cool, "I don't eat meat anymore. I'm so hungry right now." You are hungry right now? Aren't you? Your blood sugar so low, " ." Look at all these meat eaters, "Ha ha ha ha ha." You, "How long is he going to talk? I thought this was a half hour show. How long is the show? I need a carrot."

So why you become a vegetarian? Oh you just became a vegetarian. Yeah, because it ain't natural. It's not natural. Look ok. Let me help you out. Look at the jungle. Who is the one running after? Lions, tigers eat meat. Look at the vegetarian. Try to get to a hole, "Go, go, go, go. We lost Jimmy." Start watching Animal Planet. You will start eating sandwhiches.

Lavell Crawford Understands Tsunami Salami Relief in Indonesia

I run into stupid people where ever I go. I live in Los Angeles, and there's nothing but dumb people. This lady come up to me with a can, "Chingle, chingle, chingle. Tsunami relief. Tsunami relief." I looked at her, and said, "What's a Tsunami?" She looked at me, and was like, "Huh? You don't know what is a Tsunami is?" I went, "Huh? No, I don't know what a tsunami is?" She said, "You going to stand there and tell me. You don't know what a tsunami is?" I said, "Heffe, I stand where ever you want me to. I'm gonna tell you right now. I don't know what is a tsunami is." She really got pissed off, "You don't know!" I said, "Bitch, I told you. I don't know what the hell damn is tsunami is."

Last time I saw a tsunami was between two pieces of white bread, and I ate that crap with some corn chips. She got real mad and was like, "You bastard. That's not a tsunami. That's a salami." I was like, "tsunami, salami, baloney  -- get your stupid butt out of my face." I don't know what the hell is tsunami, crap.

I said, "where the hell is the tsunami happening?" She goes pulling out a globe, and start spinning that sun of a bitch. See that's the problem right there. When you gotta spin a globe to find a country, it ain't none of my damn business. She go spinning it and ends on Indonesia. I was like, "What the hell is Indonesia? I don't know nothing about Indonesia."

Last time I read about it and the tsunami, they said the animals were climbing to higher grounds. Now, that means gorillas, giraffes and cows walking up a mountain. That would've told me everything I needed to know. I was like, "excuse me Mr. cow, where in the hell are you going?" Cow said, "we going up this mountain." I said, "Crap, I'm right with you then." Apparently you know where the hell you going. Apparently they have the weather channel.

Jim Breuer Advices All the Dads to Give their Mom Wife Plenty of Rest and Sleep or Else Havoc Unleashed the Devil

I am going to help every man in here. Again, they don't teach you about fatherhood, real fatherhood. The best thing you can do, as a father, is uhm, to make sure your wife, the mother of your children, get as much rest as possible. Because sleep deprivation, in a mother, leads to murder. You see it on the news, "Another woman drown her kid, and she just needed a nap. That was it."

And it's true. My wife is a beautiful woman, and she installs faith in life. She says to kids, "Make sure you thank god for a wonderful day and thank him foreverthing we have."

And if she don't nap, she don't sleep, the devil goes, "I'll take over from here." And there is nothing worse for a man, in the middle of the night at 5 in the morning. Your wife just sits right there at the edge of the bed, just staring at yah.

"Baby, what are you doing? Why are you so up early?"

"I'm so early? I haven't been to bed yet. I haven't had any sleep what so ever."

"We came to bed together at ten. And we went to bed..."

"No. No. No. No. You fell asleep at 10. I was up. Who can fall asleep when you fall asleep? Cause your mouth is always facing my way. It smells like somebody deprecated in your mouth, and your breath is disgusting. It's disgusting. You neeed to go to a doctor. I have no eyebrows left because of your breathe blowing on my face. And I kick you, and I shove you. You don't even move. You wouldn't wake up if we were attack on the middle of the night. You would hear nothing."

"Why don't you go to sleep?"

"I wish I could. I wish I could. And then just as I was ready to fall asleep, the 3 year old came walking in. She woke me up and filthy with pee. She peed in her bed again. She wet her whole bed. Then I had to change her clothes. Now she is mad and throws a fit. Then I throw a fit. We're running around, doing her clothes. Then I have to change the covers... Do you know why? Do know why she wet the bed? Because you gave her water before bed time. And tell you don't give the children any liquid before bed time or else they wet the bed. But you don't listen. You have to be the good guy all the time. By the way, I killed the cats."

Josh Blue loves His Asian Japanese Fetish Wife and Jesus is Far Behind

So can I tell you the most important person in my life. Yeah, don't worry it's not Jesus. You ever get that on the street, and they like, "Can I tell you about the most important person in my life?" And I'm like, "Uhm. Uh uh. I don't have that kind of time." I think the lords are calling you over there. Some of you guys need to loosen the notch of your bible belts.

The most important person in my life is my wife. She told me to say that. I'm just trying to avoid an ass whooping at home, you know. That's all a brother can do. Let me tell you. My wife is here tonight. Give her around of applause for her, huh. She's prolly hiding by now. She's awesome man. She's uh; she's actually Japanese. And I gotta tell you this. It's probably a good thing for both of this that she doesn't understand everything that I say. Right honey?

You know. You guys have been hanging out with me for 20 minutes now. For I am like this all the time. I can see how that can get annoying, "Honey, wow wow wow wow." She's like, "F off John." I'm like, "Oh, You learning good english, honey. Good job." She's awesome. It's weird. When you marry someone from asia, people like, "You have an asian wife, huh john? Do you have an asian fetish?" I'm like, "I guess so." But what kind of weird fetish does she have?

Steve Harvey Fired the Different Reactions of Letting Go

Black people handle getting fired different from white folks. You can't fire us the same. It ain't gonna go good. See the difference between fire black and white people is this. When you fire white people, they don't ever see it coming, "What? What are you talking about? What are you, nuts? For crying out loud... For the love of god... For petes sake..." Oh they got a list of crap when they think their butt is gone. Cause they can't believe their getting fired.

See black people on the other hand. We figure, "Well, any day now. My butt should be out of here." See we know when there's some firing going on, we first, so we pretty much expect it.

I know what I'm talking about cause I didn't have a lot of jobs before I got into this right here. I prolly have 10 to 11 jobs. Out of those 10, 11 jobs, I have been fired probably 10, 11 times.

I have this one job. The last job I had I was selling insurance. I had this boss name, Tom. Tom was white. I like Tom. Tom was fair. That's what I like about him. He was just a fair man. I never had a beef with him. Tom was going to fire this white guy, named Bob. I like Bob. I used to go to lunch with Bob. Met Bob's family. Bob was a nice guy.

So Tom came out of his office this one morning to fire Bob. Bob was just sitting there. See right away. If I see Tom walking to my desk, you know I perk up. Cause this could be it. Bob didn't look. Tom walked his butt out there, you know. Your boss butt is tight anyways. I don't know why that is. They always walking like somebody is pushing them. Why the walking like that? They prolly scared they might break something off of it or what, but it looks like somebody pushing in there butt all the time. And he walked his tight butt to Bob's desk, "Hey Bob, can I see you in my office for a moment please?"

Bob said, "Sure thing Tom."

Bob stood right up, walked right into Tom office, and said, "Tom, you wanted to see me?"

What the hell you mean that he wanted to see you. He just walked out to your desk, and said, "Bob, can I see you in my office for a minute?" What is this bull crap about. It's denial. He don't see it coming. And Tom proceeded to find Bob right by the book, "Yeah Bob. At the board meeting last week, and going over at the board, we were looking at your evaluation. I want to tell you the truth. You are not just cutting it."

"Tom, what are you saying?" You know good as well hell what he is saying. Your butt is almost out of here. You see what the hell is going on, but denial.

Tom said, "Listen to me. Bob, you are making it so difficult. I know you are going to have a tough time explaining this to Becky, but we gonna have to let you go."

"Ah, oh Jesus. Oh Tom, what am I going to do? What about the mortgage? What about the childrens college fun. Oh father god."

Yeah, but when you go out to fire Willy, it ain't gonna go like that. See believe me. When you go out to fire Willy, you gotta take a whole another approach. Tom came out there one day to fire Willy, and I sat next to Willy. Willy was my boy for sure. So soon that Tom came out, Willy and me went like," ." Cause we know something is going down now.

Tom walked out his ass to Willy, "Hey Willy, can I see you in my office for a minute please?"

"What for? What the hell we're going in the office for, Tom. If you gonna tell me, you gonna tell me right here. I got a desk right here. I ain't going in the office. You got something to tell Willy. You tell Willy right here."

Now Tom knows he got a problem. He knows he got to get this altercation behind close doors right now. Cause he knows Willy will show his whole butt. We gonna act like a damn fool out here. Willy gonna tell all this cubicle. Something is going down. Tom finally got his butt in his office. Willy stood up. Before Willy walked in, he start walking around the desk, "uh huh, it's going to be some bull crap in here. Yeah, I know some bull crap when I see it. Yeah buddy, uh huh. What the hell he calling me in the office for? I've been here for 12 years. Bastard never calls me go to his damn office. This is going to be some crap in here. I'm gona go in there. But I tell you what. It better not be for what I think it is. I know that."

So willy walk in Tom office, "what's up Tom?"

Tom tried to fire Willy just like Bob, "You know Willy, we are at the board meeting last week you know. We were going over your evaluation."

"What evaluation?! I haven't seen any gawd damn evaluation. Where did you have the evaluation. I wasn't there for it. It wasn't post on the board cafeteria last week. I haven't seen nothing. I tell you right now. I ain't signing crap."

Wanda Sykes Painful Bikini Wax Front and Butt Crack Boobs

I changed some things. I try to make some adjustments. I try to change some things. You know -- Like I tried to get waxed. Yeah, I tried waxing for the first time. Yeah, and my friend she has a spa. She runs it out of here house. I want to support her, so I want to get the whole spa package. And you know part of it is a bikini wax. Yeah, so I said OK I can give it a shot. I try. Yeah, you know.

She said, “Wanda, it’s going to hurt a little bit.” I was like, “I’m tough. I can handle that stuff.” So she put the wax on there, put the tape on there, “poof.” I smacked the crap out of here. You hear me. “Whoop! Poof! What the crap is wrong with you? Crap! Is this what you do? Sit up in your house and snatched hair off of people all day?” This is some sick crap. And then she starts smacking it. I’m like, “ouch, ouch, girl, ouch, what are you doing?” She’s like, “that takes the sting away.” I said, “no that freaking hurts.” How would you like if I stabbed you, and stuck my finger in the hole, “Oooo, doesn't that feel better? Soothing, huh?” Oooo I was mad.

And then I had to let her finish. You know. I had to let her even it out. I couldn't have one side waxed, and one side wavy. That crap doesn't match. It would feel like somebody is in my pants. I’m like, “How you doing?” Ooo that hurts. And then it got worst. I thought she was finished, and then she goes, “turn over.” I was like, “excuse me.” She’s like, “turn over. I gotta get the backside – get your butt.”

I’m like, “my butt? Ooo. That won’t be necessary.” Nothing goes on back there. Beside I like it to look like that cause it scares people away. I gotta make them think I got a dog chained up back there. They get closer. I even growl a little bit, “Rarrrr.” She was like, “Roll over fool. Come on. Come on.” She said, “it won’t hurt that much.”

OK. What the hell. A little change why not. So I turned over. She put the wax in there. Put the tape in there. Poof. Everything went white. And a little bit of pee came out. And I passed out. But I wasn't out long. Cause when I woke up, she was still standing there, holding that thing. And she goes, “Are you OK Wanda?” I was like, “Uh, I think you just ripped out my butthole.” You just ripped out my butthole. Why would you do that? Don’t throw that one. I need that back. Some sick stuff. I never felt pain like that before.

That kind of pain should only happen in the wild somewhere. It shouldn't be happen to humans. You know when you watch those nature shows. And then you see the lion stalking the wilder beast with that initial bite that seems so painful. That’s what it felt like. I picture my butthole running across the Sierra. I’m like, “Run butt-hole. Run butt-hole, run. Come on butthole. Ah.” Hot lion teeth on my butthole. That’s what it felt like.” Crap, I got a techno shot when I got out there.

 So I’m get my stuff together. You know getting ready to leave. I’m getting dress. She was like, ”wait a minute. You’re not finished. “ I’m like, “What?” She goes, “I gotta do your facial.” I’m like, ”my facial? Not when you've been digging around my butt. “ I don’t want your hand and butt touching my face. You don’t go ass to face. You go clean to dirty.

Sebastian Maniscalco eats at Chipotle and talks bout Selfie and Writing Reviews Online On the Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Listen. It’s so good to be here. I just ran into Lee. That guy is stunning. Alright, it’s so good to be here on the tonight show, Jimmy Fallon, New York City. Alright. I love New York.

There is lots of Italian out here. I come from an Italian Family – Immigrant Father. And when you come from an immigrant parent, they put you to work real early. Ok. I have been working since I was 8 years old. Watching TV, my father walked into the living room. He is like, “Hey, go start a business.”

“Now?”

They told me when growing up who had what I wanted in the neighborhood. They didn't buy us anything. We like, “Dad, can we get a dog?”

“If you want a dog, 3 houses down. If you want to pet something with fur, you walk 3 houses. You pet the dog, and come back here. Then you cut my grass.”

“What?!”

And I look around today. Society does not match how I grew up. Nobody is working in this country. Nobody. They are all walking around, “ha, ha, ha, he, he, he.” The whole country is taking photos of themselves. I have not seen anything like it. Sitting and taking a photo in the bathroom? I even look at the photo. Have you guys look the background? Do you ever see some of these bathrooms? Playing with chicken wings. What are you doing? Eating chicken in the bathroom?!

And everyone is on the internet writing reviews? Writing reviews? You got nothing to do but writing reviews on a restaurant? Me and my wife – we go to dinner. I tell her right there, “Salmon sucks. Let’s get the hell out of here. That’s the review. We don’t go home a tattletale on the restaurant. Who gots time to write an 18 page essay on the asparagus they had last night?

I go out to eat a lot. I just went out to chipotle – love chipotle. But the food is so sensational, the employees can’t stop eating it. Everytime I walk in, the 15 employees eating. The only guy that is behind the counter is cutting chicken. He’s just looking. That guy is not train on burrito. He is chicken cubing 8 hours a day. And the people are so involved when they order the burrito. They have to put the spit guard up. But the people don’t even get it. They are still, “Can I get corn?” Just say, “CORN.” They can hear you. It’s not sound proof. And nobody talks to the chipotle people.

They hear the same stuff 10 hours a day, “CHICKEN, CHEESE, RICE, PEPPERS, GONE.” I have not ever seen anything like it. “STEAK, SOUR CREAM, LETTUCE.” And the employees, “ah ah ah ah ah ah.”

Gawd forbid you ask for guacamole. They don’t even know how to tell you that it’s extra money. I ask for guac. They put some guac, and like, ”ahhhh. It’s a dollar 20 extra. Is that okay?” “Yeah, throw it on. What’s. What happen to you last time you put guacamole, and you didn’t say anything?”

Kevin Hart Wishes He can be a Rapper with a Deep Voice and Sick Hand Motions

I wish I can be a rapper or some shit. I really do. You know why I can't be a rapper? It's because my voice ain't deep enough. To be a rapper, you need a deep voice. It's the only way people will listen to you on a regular basis. I don't think anybody would buy my album because my voice is too small. "Yeah bitch I'm killer. I shoot you in the face. Ping ping. Everybody's going to die. Ping ping. Everybody. Everybody's going to die tonight." Did he just say, "Ping Ping." I ain't going to buy that shit if somebody's going, "Ping ping."

Certain shit keeps you being tough. You know what's keep me from being tough. This is really holding me back. Look at this shit here. Look at this. Look at this shit. This is really fracking me up man. There's nothing tough about this. It doesn't matter what you say. Not anybody going to take you seriously if you swing your feet. It don't matter. I will kill everybody in this bitch tonight. I'm not fracking playing with you all. What you all think this is? A game? I'm sick of it. I'm sick how people treat me around here. Would you talk to guy who is swinging his feet? If you are at the club, and I tried to talk to you, "Come here baby. Let me have you a few seconds. You girl. You know damn well who I am talking to. Wait a second. Let me climb down there, and get my feet together. Wait a minute now."

Rappers make me laugh. I square rappers are funny, man. You ever see rappers freestyle? When they are like battling each other, the more angrier the rappers get, the higher the hands get. Have you ever notice that? They all start off so calm. Like this rapper is free-styling. This dude would listen to the other guy.

"You ready?"

"Nah, I'm got him. I got him. Real talk. I kill nicks. I sale nicks. I nicks. I nicks, nicks want to give back."

Dr Ken Jeong Married a Vietnamese Girl and Explains why Vietnamese is like Koreans on Weed Rainbow

This is the happiness time of my life. I just got married 6 months ago. Give it up. Give it up. No joke. Check it out. Check it out. Check it out. Sorry fellas. Ah. Sorry guys. She's Vietnamese Doctor last name Ho. I'm not joking with you. Doctor Ho. I'm a comic. This is pure joy, "Get in the car, Ho." You know what I'm saying. "Make me some rice, Ho." You know. "You complete me, Ho." You know.

She's Vietnamese and I'm Korean. Where are the Koreans in the crowd. Koreans, we are like the angriest mofo on the planet. Are we not? Are we not, Koreans? "Annyeonghaseyo!" That's mean hello in Korean. Do you know what I'm saying. Give it up you. Give it up.

Vietnamese, where are the Vietnamese?  Right. Right. Kind of gay. Right? Kind of gay. You know what I'm talking about. Very fagot, "Tại sao bạn rất đẹp ? Cảm ơn." What the heck. "Tại sao bạn rất đẹp ? Cảm ơn." And when they speak English, they're like gay, retarded, def mutes. You know. "Would you like to eat some Vietnamese pho?" You know. What the heck. "Vietnamese pho? Tại sao bạn rất đẹp ?"

Vietnamese is like Koreans on weed. Think about it.

The Cosby Show Story About A Shiny Ford GM Car Broken Down For Sale

We are talking about a car now. I knew something was wrong when we down there and the man saw she brought her father. So the man said, "I don't think I can find the keys to the car." So I said, "I don't think I can find the money." So the man found the keys.

So we get into the car now. First of all, to be honest, this is a beautiful, beautiful looking car. I mean, if Denise is sitting in this car, her friends are going to say, "Look out Denise or Chilly down or Cool back or whatever those people say."

I put the key in the ignition, turn the thing, and it went, "koo boo boo boo bump bump bump pump pump pump." The two of us are sitting in there. And the car is not running yet. It's just thinking about it. The car is just in the right side now, just the right side, and it said, "how how how plow plow plunk plunk." And she is sitting there like this like she's dancing, see. "hubba hubba hubba." The car has not started up yet. The car has not started up yet. "how dee how dee how dee." So I press down on the gas, and you're going to think I'm lying. The car said, "What?" The car said that.

So I put the thing in reverse. I let go of the emergency brake. Then push down on the gas, and the car said, "Oh, you want to go backwards?" So now we back out. And the thing goes, "hiccup." Now it's vibrating. I mean this motor is doing, "bee bee bee bleep bleep." Now I'm looking in the rear view mirror, and whatever I run over is. There's twelve of them. And she's sitting there blaming on me, "Daddy?!"

Pete Holmes sleeps with Ray Romano and dreams about Bedtime Funny Facts and Ideas

I should have went to Disneyland.

Ever since I was a kid, I always wanted to work with Ray Romano. Is it weird that this is exactly how I pictured it?

Well, what's weird is I had this dream before. I wake up, turn over, and see what I would look like if I was a lesbian.

Kangaroos hold baby kangaroos in their pouch. But What if there was even a smaller kangaroo in the baby's kangaroo pouch? How far does it go?

I wonder if i can beat up Brad Garrett He's about half a foot taller than me. But Come on... that goofy bastard would never see it coming.

Why do they call it a bathroom when all it needs to have is a toilet? Should I be taking a bath in my toilet?

I killed a spider in my house the other day. I didn't have to kill it, but he saw me masturbating. Funny. Funny cause it's true.

People are complaining that barbie is too skinny. But she probably does not eat very much because she does not have a butt hole.

The show is called Everybody Loves Raymond, but isn't more important that Raymond Loves Raymond.

Thank you Ray Romano everybody.

Jo Koy sleeps like a Bear Who has a Heart Attack According to His Filipino Mom

I didn't know I had sleep apnea. My mom told me I had sleep apnea. I was asleep at her house 6 years ago, sleeping in the guestroom. The same way I always do. Just like this, "huh huh huh." And I woke up, "ah ah ah." My mom at the foot of the bed like this, "Oh my gawd Joseph. You're dying."

"Mom, I"m not dying. I'm snoring."

"Joseph that's not snoring. You look like this, 'arrrr arrr arrr.' Joseph you have to go to the doctor, and get that check or else you are going to die. I don't want you to die because I'll die of heart attack. If you die, oh my gawd."

I'm like, "Mom, I'm not going to a doctor for snoring. How long were you watching me? That's creepy." And I kick her out, "Get out of here. Get out of here mom."

"Ah... I'm sorry Joseph. I did not mean to startle you. It just that I was walking to the kitchen, and I heard a noise coming from the guestroom. It sounded like someone was killing a bear. I was like, 'I don't have a bear.'"

Jamie Foxx votes Shaq for President Cause He is Cool Calm and Collected in the Championship Interview about Kobe

So you got to pay attention. Whoever you want to be the president, let's pay attention. If we got to ride the boat, let's make sure we do the right thing. You know what I'm saying. Now you'll be careful when you start picking your president. Am I right? Make sure pick somebody that you know is going to be cool in situation. That's why with me, or maybe I bug out sometimes. But if I had my choice, I'll pick somebody like Shaq. Cause he's cool. He never get excited about nothing. He's cool all the time. Did you see the interview that Shaq did right after they won the championship? The dude that was interviewing him was more excited than he was, "So Shaq, How do you feel?!"

"I feel good. I just want to thank my mama and my father. Thank god everyday. Making sure I'm gifted and everything. You know. It's a new thang. You know what I'm saying. I'm trying to do the best I can do. Can you dig it? Can you dig it? uh uh uh."

"So you and Kobe never get in a fight?"

"We were just playing with you all. You all thought we were serious or something. Me and Kobe were just kidding. You know what I'm saying. We gotta gotta wana wanna."

Don't tell him cause that mo will whoop my ash.

Harland Williams British Fake Accent Greeting and Motel 6 New Slogan

How are you doing? Are you having fun Miam? Have you ever wake up at 3 in the morning cover your ash in Harvey relish, and shove your ash in the freak-in ceiling fan? So dig this. I'm in downtown today. Check it out folks. I know there are some tourist here. We got some, some. Are you a tourist buddy? Where are you from guy?

"London."

London? "Oh, you are from London, mate? That's freak-in brilliant. Me too. How long have you been here, mate, in the united states of america. How long have you been here."

"2 weeks."

"2 weeks? Is it? Maybe it's time to lose the fake accent."

I love the way British people say hello, right? Like, "Cheerio." They use a breakfast cereal to say hello -- and good bye. It's like, "Hey man, I had a great time. Count Chocola."

So dig this. I'm downtown yesterday, right? And all of this. I'm wandering around, weird people in downtown. I'm wandering around downtown. All of the sudden, out of nowhere, I hear this, "whooooooooooossssshhhhhhhhhshhhhh." A homeless guy making wind noises.

"Where are you staying while you here, mate? Where you staying while you are in the united ah  uh ah uh states? Are you staying at ah oh oh hotel? Where are you staying mate? At KFC?"

"I"m staying at your house."

"Oh you are staying at my house? Well, good. Get up, and make my bed, you wanker."

Sir, put your money away. I don't work take tips for jokes.

You guys should stay at the motel 6 while you are here man -- Great hotel in America. You know their slogan, "I'm tumble death in Motel 6. We'll leave the light on for you." Shouldn't their slogan be more like, "I'm tumble death in Motel 6, and we'll leave the blood fart on the sheet for you. We'll leave the diarhea arc on the wall for yeah."

What the hell are you eating there? Chewy corn chips? Can I have a chewy corn chip? Look at that little treat, yeah buddy? Every put that in your eyes, and pretend you are a dolphin?

How you doing buddy? Have you ever made love to an old lady? Check it out buddy. Check it out. "MMMMmmmm. Mmmmmm. Crack."

"I bet you don't hear that in England? Hey mate?"

Dane Cook complains about the Drive Thru at Burger King Because Customer Voice too High or too Low

We all have some crappy jobs, right? Everybody has a crappy job. Whatever. You got to do it. First job I had -- Burger King. He he ha ha. I'll come up there man. My brother got me the job. My brother got me the job. Yup. He was the manager. And he got me the job. You'll think it would be cool. You know. Because he is my bro. But he was a duck. He thought he was the burger king. You know what I'm saying. He would put me through drive thru every night.

Why do people assist on yelling at the drive thru. You know it's modern technology. I be there with my headset, "Hi, Welcome to burger king. May I take your order?"

"Blah bla Blah Bla!"

"Sir."

"Blah blah bla bla!"

"Excuse me Chewbaka. I'm bleeding from the ears here Pacino. Let's calm down. Alright we are dealing with food, not missiles here, governor, so drive around."

I would rather have people yell when people didn't talk loud enough. That drove me crazy. 10 cars are out there. I'll be like, "Hi Maim, may i take your order?"

"My squeek squeek. Pickles. Pickles. Cheese. Pickles.

"Main, can I help you."

"And the pickles. And the pickles."

"Apparently, you want pickles. Are you trying to molest me."

"Sauce. All over my body."

"Hurry. Somebody give her some sauce now. She wants it her way."

David Alan Grier Runs the Los Angeles Marathon for 6 hours and 23 minutes best personal time

I actually did some sports myself. I ran a marathon.  Last year I ran my first marathon. It was a Los Angeles Marathon. I finished. Uhm. Let's not get too excited now. It took me 6 hours and 23 minutes. People were walking faster than I was running at the end of this race. And I trained for it. You know. Cause you get all hyped up. Cause on the marathon day, after months of training, you  have to wake up 5:30 in the morning. You go to downtown Los Angeles -- thirty thousand people all different shapes and sizes and color races. Everybody is running the marathon.

And everybody is grouped together in their marathon clubs. You know. Like you got the old lady over here is the grandma running club. And you can tell by t shirts. Cause they got cute little messages that the kids made. They put it on, and it would sparkle with peanuts and stuff.  Then you have the military guys over here. They are hard.  They're wearing camouflage shorty shorts and combat boots, singing a marathon song. You know, "We will run a marathon. We are about to get it on." So they are hard.

So finally at 6 AM. There's a guy on the podium that says, "Runners! Get on your mark! Get set! Pow!" And you are running, and it's exciting.  You wave to your friends, "Look at me. I'm running a marathon." Ah it's exciting. It's exciting  for about a mile and half, "What we doing man? 25 more miles?" Now you're just running. Now about 5 miles, this is where society as we know it begins to break down. Grown men begin urinating on public streets, "I can't stop. I got the time." At mile 7, 8, they run out of food. Those slices of oranges, the power bars, now we're hungry and thirsty, but we're running a marathon. After a couple of miles, we become like a pack of wild animals. We were snatching fruit off of trees. Then you get deep, deep into the race, mile 17, mile 19. You get to mile 20. They call this the wall. Cause a lot of people don't get pass the wall. Cause they start to hallucinating -- running the wrong way.

Godfrey Makes Fun of the National Anthems in Play off Sports and Olympics

Now listen. Our anthems are cool. Like the national anthem is cool, not in American sports though -- like play off games. I'm going to keep it real. I don't want to hear that shit -- even the players don't. "Ah say can..." Hurry up. You know what I mean. And stop getting some R and B singers. Keep black people away from the national anthem. "Oh say... Can you see... by.... the... oh say..." Is this the remix?! Damn!

Jay-Z busting, "Yo, it's the national anthem. Oh shit. It's over." Oh no. How did he get in this?

I just want some old war veteran that forgot all the words to sing it, "Arrrr say... Damn it. Go on. Start the damn game. Pull my underwear out of my ass arrr." That's what I want.

But during the Olympics it's serious. Our national anthem sounds so great. When they raise our flag, you know usually people watching at home, "like raise that bitch. We got that gold bitch, what. It's our sports. I don't know what it was. It's our shit." It just sounds so good. "deh deh like yeah." Right?

Then I get mad when other countries win a medal cause you got to hear their shitty anthem. "And now time for the Russian National anthem. Eee Neee EEee Neee Nhaaa Neeet RRReeeet. Thank you Russia. That's enough. We don't know when that shit is going to end."

"And now time for the Chinese. Chinese Nationa anthem - Hummm thayyy Chay Seee. Oh thank you. Just end it."

"And now time for the Jamaica anthem. Raaar. Jama. Jama. That was the shit. We will do that one more time."

Long Hair Nick Guerra Mistaken for A Drunkin Girl at the Club which Aggravates him Like Chiwawa

What's up? How you guys doing? Alright! Yeah! We're going to have some fun.

So I get hit on by a lot of lesbians, alright. I know man. It sucks. That's why I don't drink. I can't get drunk with this silky hair, and enjoy it. You know. I can't have my back turn at the bar just standing there like, "Oh my god. I love this song. Oh wow. This is great. Yeah."

Guys come up to me, "What's up baby?"

"Hey bro. Stop that. We came together. This is weird."

I know my hair is long. I know exactly when it gets long. It's when people start mistaken me for celebrities. They like, "Hey you look like somebody famous."

I'm like, "Who? Johnny Depp?"

Like, "No. The girl from Juno."

Really? I know. Somebody told me I look like blanket. What do you say to that?

I'm like, "Really? Blanket? Blanket Jackson? What do I, 'hee hee.'"

I don't know what to say. I'm like, "I'm a man." That's it. That's all I did. That's as violent as I get. I'm 5-5 ok. We don't get violent for short people. We don't. We get aggravated, but not violent. We are like chiwawas. You know. We're like, "screw you. Screw you. Puppy Power." That's how we are.

Short chicks are the worst - Short chicks, biggest smack talkers ever. Any girl 5-5 and under, "What's up! I'm a boss. What's up." With their big eyelashes, "What's up. You want to fight,  huh?" When they get drunk, it's like down here, "Come on. Let's fight." come on hold my heels, "Come on. Let's do it. Come on. I'm right here." Tiny aggravated people man. That's how we are man.

I'm getting more aggravated. I'm 29, right. I'm getting older. I know I'm getting uncool. Cause I don't like music anymore. I can't stand music. Music is so bad. There's no more good love songs anymore. You get all these kids, trying write about love. Justin Bieber trying to write about love. Really?! He has half a nut in his rectum. He doesn't know what he's talking about. It's still up there. You can't write about love until you know about love. And you don't know about love until  you have that first pregnancy scare. You know what I'm saying. That's when you know. I'm going to say this.

Guys, it's our fault. Ok, we got to take care of that, alright. Cause we don't do anything else in the bedroom. We don't, alright. News flash - none of us are sexy. We aren't. We try to be, but we look stupid, okay.

Brian Regan UPS trouble with Girth and Procedures of Box Deliver Pickup

We just moved. I called UPS. Ask them to help out with some boxes. They are good service, but you gotta have information ready about your boxes before you can call them. I had no idea. I called them up, "Yeah, I have 10 boxes. Can you come over and pick them up?"

"We need to know the weight and the girth."

"Ok. Good bye."

So I called back. "We need the weight and the girth."

"Ok. I don't know what the weight is, and uhm I don't know what girth means. So now what's the procedure?"

So this guy talks to me like i'm four years old, "Well, do you have a bathroom scale?"

"Yeah, but if I put the box on the scale, it's gonna cover up the NUMBERS." What I do? take it off very quick? "Ah, zero. I'm not fast enough." What's he talking about?

So then he gives me like his Mr. Wizard formula, "How about if you stand on the scale, and then weight yourself. Then get off the scale. Pick up the box. Get back on, and where you and the box together. Subtract your own weight."

I'm going, "slow down. Hold on professor."

I know this guy never tried this cause I tried it, and you can't still see the NUMBERS.

What am I, Mr. Olympia? "3 pounds."

And then I had to hang up in the middle of his girth formula. He kept on ensuring me it was easy, "You know the girth is very simple to figure out. You take the length and double that by the smaller height after yoiu triangular the hypothesis of the thrid side."

"Ok. I gotta go. I'm getting another call. Yeah, I'm too stupid to talk to you. I just don't want to get along with you any longer."

So this is true. I figured I call up, and make up some numbers, you know. Let him come out and pick them up. If it's wrong, I'll pay the difference. Just dispatch the truck. Please. So I called back, "Yeah, uhm. I have 10 boxes. And... Uhm. No. I'm the other guy. And they all weight exactly 22 pounds, and they all have a girth of -- 3."

"Three what?"

"Three -- girth units. Come pick them up. Please. I'm begging you. They're boxes, and they're brown. And they have tape all on them. And they probably fit on a dolly."  Why must you torture me?

Russell Peters Shops For a Purse at Pacific Mall Bargaining with Chinese Man to be The Man

Are you Chinese?

Yes.

Ooo. I said. Ooo. I just said your last name.

That you can't do business together - Chinese people and Indian people cannot do business together. Cause Indian cannot live without a bargain. And Chinese people cannot give you a bargain. Their objective is to get every penny from you. And our is to keep everything. This is a really power struggle here. I went to this Chinese mall, some of you may know it, pacific mall. That's a wrong place for an Indian guy to go. I saw this bag. I wanted to buy this bag. I go, "How much?"

He goes, "35 dollars."

"um. How about 30?"

And Chinese people never tell you no. They will tell you no, the longest no you ever heard in your life like you just said the most ridiculous thing that they ever heard in your life.

"I give you 30."

"Noooooo. Nooooo. I can't do 30 dollars. If I sell you 30 dollars today, today you come tomorrow I close down."

I'm like, "Alright, give me a deal on the purse. I don't want to pay 35 bucks."

"Ok. One second. Let me talk to my wife. One second. Thank you. Dim lah. Xing. Xing. Chew Chew Wah. Han Goi. Ok. You seem like a nice guy. I give you best price, 34.50."

I'm like, "That's 50 cents."

He goes, "50 cents is alot of money! YOu save 50 cents here, and then maybe you go somewhere else and save another 50 cents. Then you have 1 dollar. Then you take your dollar. You go to the dollar store, and you buy something else."

This guy starts turning into my money manager or something, "Let me financial plan for you."

I'm like, "You know what dude. Forget it. I don't want it. It's not a deal."

He starts telling me some stuff that has nothing to do with anything.

I'm like, "I'm leaving."

He goes, "Hey! Be a man! Be a man! Do the right thing!"

"What you talking about doing the right thing?"

"Maybe you don't buy the purse right now. You go some other mall, and you see something else. You don't buy. You come back. You say, 'eh, I want the purse for 34.50.' I say, 'Noo. You don't get for 34.50.' Now price goes up 40 dollars - Be a man."

Dave Chappelle Sesame Street Impressions of Big Bird and Count Dracula and Snuffleupagus and Cookie Monster

I turn on Sesame Street. I'm like, "oh, Sesame Street. It's much better cause you can learn how to count and spell. Now, I'm watching it as an adult, and I realized Sesame teaches kids other things. It teaches kids how to judge people and label people. That's right. There's a character on there name Oscar. They treat this guy like shit, the entire show. They judge him right in his face, "Oscar, you are so mean. Isn't he kids?"

"Yeah Oscar, you're a grouch."

He's like, "Bitch, I live in a trash can! And nobody is helping me."

And you wonder why kids step over homeless people, "Get it together grouch. Get a job grouch."

Nobody tell me how to get to Sesame Street. That is a terrible place. I wouldn't go there if I knew. Who would want to live in a neighborhood like that, a 6 foot pigeon walking around, an elephant who's a junkie, "hi bird." Yeah, that's right Snuffy, "Hi bird, I'm sick. I need some snack bird."

And cookie monster with his eyes popping out of head, "Cookie! Cookie! Cookie!" Like uh, what kind of cookies are you talking about?

And they had the nerve to put a pimp on there. They did not come out and say he's a pimp, but I know a pimp when I see one. They call them the count. He had a cape and everything. He says the pimping, "Where is my money? You've been late 4 times. I've been counting. How many times must I smack you before you act right? Psh 1, psh 2, 2 smacks. Ha ha ha ha ha."

Mixed South African Comedian Studies Black Culture in America Trevor Noah

Good Evening. I grew up in South Africa. That's where I still live, and I enjoy it. Grew in a time called the partite. For those who don't know, partite is a law in our country that made it illegal for black and white people to interact with one another. You know. It was against the law. So this law was awkward for me growing up cause I grew up in a mixed family. Well me being the mix one in the family. My mother was a black woman. Born in south Africa. That's part of the language is the click. My father is Swiss. They didn't care. You know. They were mavericks, fighting the system. My mom was arrested for being with my dad. She'll get fined. She'll get thrown in prison for the weekend. And still she comes back, "I don't care. I don't care. Come tell me what you love. I want a white man. Oooo." She's crazy, my mom. You know. And my dad, was also like Swiss. He can't have enough chocolate. So he was... He was in there. You know.

So they got together, and they had me, which was illegal, so I was born a crime, which is something they never thought through. Because as a family, we could not live together. You know. Like in the streets, we couldn't even be seen together. My father had to walk on the other side of the road. He would wave at me from afar like a creepy Pedophile. I didn't have to say creepy. I mean like a Pedophile. Creepy and maybe some other Pedophile. Actually there is none. There's no classy Pedophile. No need. Like, "Afternoon ladies. Afternoon. No. No. Just browsing. It's so classy." No. No. It's a Pedophile. My mom could walk with me, could walk with me. But if the police shows up, she has to let go of my hand and drop me. Then act like it was not hers, every single time. Cause we're suppose not to exist as a family, so my mom would let go. It's like a little game we play. Like police would show up, "whooow." She be like, "ooops. I don't know. I don't know. No. It's not mine. It's not mine." It was horrible for me. I felt like a bag of weed.

It was a tough time. The down side of being light was just that I was different. People mocked me, calling me names like mix breed, half cause. Why half? Why half? Why not double? Or twice as nice? I don't know. They can give you weird names. I wanted to be black to be honest. That's what I ever wanted. Especially when I was growing up, I met an American. And uh. He was shocked that in South Africa we have all these titles. He said to me, "Well you know. Trevor. If you come to America, they will label you as black. I said, "really?" He goes, "Hell yeah. Ha ha ha. Yeah, everybody is black out there. Yeah, you'll be super black." I'm like, "Well, that sounds good to me, super black."

I made a choice. First chance I get to America, I'm gonna get that piece of that black. And I did. I bought a flight. It was a 18 hours journey, Johannesburg to New York. I didn't sleep a wink. I sat there in my chair like a mad man, watching every single black american movie i can find, siting there, going crazy, practicing like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, you naw what I mean. Yeah. King Kong ain't got shit on me. Yeah. Yea." I'm like, "Oh sorry. The chicken please, the chicken. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah. Put it in your mouth. Yeah."

18 hours of flight, 18 hours of practice -- I landed in New York, and I was fluent in my black american, "Fo shizzle my nizzle." I had the walk. I was so black, even I was laughing. I was like, "ha ha ha. Yeah, ha ha ha. Oh my man. My man. Oh that's you? This you? This you? Ha ha ha."  That is the coolest thing in the world. Black Americans are so confident that they make you feel good about yourself just by asking if you are you. It's just magic. They just walk up to me, and "A yo, Aye Yo. Is that you? This you? Nah, nah. For reals man. This you?" And you'll be like, "yeah, I think it is." And I was that black.

I was super black. I was loving it until this guy walked up to me. He didn't even know me, didn't even know me. He tapped me on the shoulder, and was like, "Que paso? Que el anos? No? Come on papi. Que como?" I said, "Say what? Are you talking to me?" He's all, "Yeah, I'm talking to you, man. I'm just saying. We made it baby. We made it, yeah? Now that we are here. Our kind - We gotta stick together, hombre." Our kind? 18 hours of flying, and I was not black. I was Mexican. Mexican.

So I started learning Spanish. If not, why not. And I also started learning German. I learn German to connect with my father. You know. Lost contact for many years because of the partite, so now we started to learn each other, which is taking time. We are doing it slowly. I think the language will help me. You know. I don't think he's proud of me. He loves me, but I have not earned his pride. I think part of it is my job. As a comedian, I don't rank that high world of German anythings. Comes across in a small conversation. You know. One day we were having lunch, my dad looks at me, "Trevor, what do you do now, eh? You got a job? You work?" I said, "yeah dad, I'm a comedian, stand up comedian." So, "yeah, yeah, a clown, yeah?"

German is holding me back. I dream impressing him with his language. I go to his house one day. He'll welcome meet me at the gate, "Oh, ah, clown boy." I'll be like, "Guten tag father." It's epic. It gots that feeling. So I started learning. I learn in different ways. You know. Watch German movies. Play German speeches in my iPod. When I sleep, your brains remember things that you don't know. That is beautiful. The only hiccup was I downloaded some of Hitler's speeches. It's not like google warned me. Don't judge me. Google was not like, "not those ones." They just let me download everything. And uh. So I learned some of his nuances, not his philosophies. It's just that. I was told that when I speak german sometimes I sound like instinctively Hitler-ish.

Which I found out in Germany is not the best place to find out that you got Hitler vibes. I would rather find that at home. And uh. It's funny now, not much so then. I was in Cologne, Germany - Beautiful area. I would never forget. I was walking around. I went into like a sandwich shop - One of those subways where you make your own sandwich. I walked in. The woman was really nice to me. She was like, "Guten tag." I looked at her, and I was like, "Confidence Trevor. Confidence." I was like, "Guten tag. Ich en nine." At least she said I was black.

Bill Cosby talks about the Lord and Noah Behind the Scene Conversation

I want to talk to you by a fellow name Noah who built an ark. Now everybody knows when I ask you a question what he does. They will say, "Well, he built an ark." But very few people know the actual conversation that went on between the Lord and Noah. You see. Noah was a carpenter, and he was in his rec room, sawing a way, making a few things for the home there. "woo-pah. woo-pah. woo-pah."

"Noah."

"woo-pah. woo-pah. woo-pah."

"Noah."

"Who is that?"

"It's the Lord, Noah."

"Right. Where are you? What do you want? I've been good."

"I want you to build an ark."

"Right. What's an ark?"

"Go out into the woods collect all the animals in the world by two and make the ark out of cubic, 80 cubic, 40 cubic, 30 cubic."

"Right. What's a cubic?"

"Let's see a cubic. I used to know what is a cubic. Well, don't worry about that. Just go out and collect all those animals by twos: male and female, and put them into the ark."

"Right. Who is this really? What's going on? How come you want me to do all these weird things."

"I'm going to destroy the world."

"Right. Am I on candid camera? How are you going to do it?"

"I'm going to make it rain for a thousand days, and drown them out."

"Right. Listen. You do this, and you'll save water. Let it rain for 40 days, and 40 nights, and wait for the sewers to back up."

"Right."

Bill Cosby describes Chess As the Game of Life Created by Women

The game of chess: supposedly men made it up. And it's about war, men, savageness, bravery, genius, commanding, moving, pieces... NO. It's marriage. The queen - moves anywhere she wants, picking off people. And what happens to the king? He's moving one square...

Robin Williams Impression of Scotsman Inventing Golf in a Drunk Bar Whacking Away with A Stroke

If you want a linguistic adventure, go drink with a Scotsman. Cause you can't understand him before. You land in Scotland,  "Dude la in way. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. begin yeah. Fuk yah born la bored. Lick la luck in yeah. Sure. Fook yah. Sure eh? Creeks luck on the floor butt yeah eh. Oh sure. You dumb fookin bastards. You realize i'm here."

And then you realize how drunk they get. They wear a skirt, and not care. And all they can invent is a sport like golf, "Here's my idea for fookin sport. I knock a ball in a golfer hole."

"Oh you mean like pool?"

"Fuk off pool. Not with a straight stick, but with a fuk up stick. I whack uh ball, and goes in a golfer hole."

"Oh you mean like cricket?"

"Fuk cricket. I put the hole hundreds a yards away. Oh fukin yeah. It's great fun eh."

"Oh like a bowling thing?"

"Oh Fuk nooooo! Not thing? I put shit in a way like trees and bushes and high grass, so you can lose your fukin ball. Then go whacking away with giant iron. Whacking away with each time you miss like you are about to have a stroke. Fuk! That's what we'll call it. A stroke. cause Every time you miss, you feel like you going to fukin die. Oh fukin! This going to be brilliant. Straight at the end, I'm going to put a flat piece with a little flag - to give you fukin hope. But then I put a pool and a sand box to fuk with you balls again. I'll be there trashing your ass, jerking away in the sand."

"And we do this one time?"

"Fuk no! 18 fukin times."

Then we have a sport. We can dress like a pimp, and no one will care. Where you can wear clothes where a blind gay man will go, "Oh dear crises. Those are loud. This is no carnival.
 What the fuk are you on?"

Even the alligators are going, "Ass hole."

It's just an athletic, exciting sports too. I hit the ball. I get in the cart. I hit the ball. I get in the cart.

And the commentary are electrifying, "on the green. can people be quiet? I would like to hear the grass grow."

I want the guy that does Mexican soccer to do golf one time, "The ball going. The ball is going... Hoooooooooooooooooooole. Oh lay!"

Just to see all those motha fukers go, "Oh dear crises. Oh my. Oh shit."

They were the king. That  was their dominance until Tiger. Son of a black man and son of a Thai woman. Not even a German genetics can think of that one up. Black athletics ability, Buddhist concentration. Chi-Thai.

iLiza Shlesinger talks about Girls Night Out Fun Drunk Time About Hating Each Other

Girls hate each other. She hates you, especially during the day. But when the moon comes up and there is white wine involve, "Oh my gawd, Stacy! You look amazing! I freaking love you. You notice the more drunker you get, the more spanish you speaking. "Oh mama sita. Muy caliente. Whoooo! Freakin love you chica."

But the more love you give to one girlfriend, the more love you must take away from another girlfriend. It's how we keep balance in the girl universe. "I love you. I love you I do. You know who I hate -- BECKY! She's a bitch. I hate her; eventhough, she drove me here, and I"m wearing her top.  Can I just tell you that? Can you not tell her that? Will you promise? Do you... will you not tell her? Do you pinky square? Do you pinky square? Even when we are freakin grown women that pays taxes and votes... This is iron clad. Do you pinky square? Come here. Take my hand. I want to talk to you here. No. Like earlier. She was like being like a bitch. Like what's her problem. I was like why you been like so rude. What like are you like bi polar, maniac. Like I freely use these phychological terms that I don't know what i'm talking about. Wait. wait. Is she looking? Did she hear me talking about her? Pretend we are not talking about her. Is she gone? Like earlier she was like being passive agressive. And like crazy. And like Muahahahahahahah."

Like she was being like a freak. Disrespecting me. I'm like no. When you do it, it's fine. Right? Because we get each other. Because we are both pices, which means nothing. Do you want to do that? Do you want to do a girls night? Freak yah! Why don't you come over? US weekly, Jennifer Aniston, hangout, but actually, watch a movie, and braid hairs, boogie board, light as a feather, have some candy, have some cake, have some cookie, have some martini, and a low fat pizza, and a gawd damn muffin, have a piece of cake and grande, 50 shades of gray. Sounds great Cindy! Sit on your couch till 2AM with no boy to makeout with. You have Grace Ananotomy on dvd? Awesome. Pop it in let's, let's. Where's your brother.

Christian Comedian, Michael Junior, Out Prays the Professional Priest

I remember going to church as an adult, right. For the first time I started going to church, and I would walk in. And the pasture said, "I want you to pray with your neighbor." And I'm like, "My neighbor don't go to this church. You want me to call my neighbor on the phone? That's creepy. I ain't going to do that."

And then he explained to me. Your neighbor is the person sitting right next to you. Listen. I'm brand new at this christian stuff. I don't. I don't even know I'm suppose to pray out loud. Let alone this lady.  I don't even know this lady. What am I suppose to pray about? "Lord help these bump goes down on this lady's face." I don't know what to pray about. I don't know what to pray about, right.

She went first, praying all good. She must have been John's Baptist Little sister. She was like, "Dear heavenly father, you said your word  in the sixth chapter, on the 33rd verse, the book of Matthew's, 600 first word on page 1248, Lord you said, but see as in search for anywhere, e as in excellent, k as in kingdom, alpha Lisa, jay ray, Jehovah, rota." I'm thinking, "Man she even knows her nick names."

Now, it's my turn to pray, right. But I don't have the spiritual vocabulary as this... But I am not going to let her out pray me, "So OK god. First of all  you are a good people. You know you are good. Lord, you were good to the last drop. Lord, uh. Lord, I just got obey
my thirst lord. You know cause choosy mom choose Jesus, so... Is the rocket red glare lord? It gave proof to the light lord. I believe I can fly. A men."

Gabriel Iglesias describes Indian People Robbing a Bank

I love and respect Indian People. I'm gonna tell you something right now. Indian people in the United States are the hardest working people that I have ever seen. And that's coming from a Mexican, okay. And I'll tell you why I say this. You will never seen an Indian person with a sign that says, "we'll work for food," in the United States. And you will never see an Indian person committing a crazy crime. Like when was the last time you remember an Indian robbing a bank. Everybody, "ah, I can't remember, bro." Cause it doesn't happen. First of all Indian people are so nice. And they are so  sweet. And I  can't see it. When you rob a bank, you need authority. You need come in gun blazing, "I said, get your ass on the ground now."

I can't imagine, "Would you please take the money. Why are you laughing?! I am talking to you. Forget this. I"m out of here. I don't need this."

He gets in the car. His partner waiting for him, "You get the money?"

"They would not give me the money."

"Did you show them the gun?"

"I show them the gun."

"We gotta to hurry. They are gonna call the police."

"They are still laughing."

"Where did you get the computer?"

"They thought I was tech support."

Jerry Seinfeld take on Airplanes with their little tiny details: directions, seat belts, and the snotty look

And then you get on the plane. The pilot, of course, has to always come on the P.A. system. This guy is so excited about being a pilot. He cannot even stand himself, "Well, I am going to take it up to about 20,000. And then I'm going to make a left by Pittsburgh. And then I'm gonna make a right by Chicago. And then I'm going to bring down 15,000." He gives you all this room and all his moves. We are in the back going, "Yeah, fine. That's all... You know. Do whatever hell you gotta do. You know.  It end up where we're going on the ticket, really."

Do I ever bother him on what I'm doing? Knocking on the cockpit door, "I'm having the peanuts now. Yeah, that's what we're doing back here. Thought I keep you posted. I'm not going to have em all now. I'm just gonna have a few. I don't want to finish it cause it's just a big bag."

Then the stewardess has to come out, and they have to do their little emergency equipment show, you know. That thing they do as the other one raise and acts it out, "Hey we have seat belts and oxygen mask. These are the things for you to use." They show you how to use the seat-belt. Just in case you have not been in a car since 1965. "Oh you lift up on the buckle? oh? I was trying to break the metal apart. I thought that's how it works. I was going to try to tear the fabric part of the belt. I thought if I get it started."

Then they always point out the emergency exit. It's always with that vague point. Isn't it? Where the hell would these places be? Planes in a 90 degree angle. Your hair is on fire, and you are looking for this. How do you think? She is thinking I'm getting out before you're getting out. You're dead. You're dead. I'm gone.

And then they always have to close that first class curtain too. And they always give you that little look, "Maybe if you were to work a little harder, I wouldn't have to do this."

It's all tiny world on an airplane. Isn't it. It's always that little tiny table there for the tiny computer, food, cramped seats, tiny utensils, tiny liquid bottles, tiny bathroom, tiny sink, tiny mirrors, tiny faucets. So the small problem will be a slight delay, "We will be a little late."

I always go in the airplane bathroom. Even if I don't have to go, I always go in there. It's nice. It's like your own apartment on the plane. Isn't it? Go in there lock the door. The lights come on after a couple of seconds. It's like a little surprise party.

But i know with the amount of equipment they have in that place... I mean it's a little, but they have tissue, towels, closets, compartments. There's a tiny slots for used razor blades. They always have that. Who is shaving on the plane? And shaving so much? They're using up razor blades. Is this what's happening? what is it? Is the wolf-man flying for crises sake? Who can shave that much?

Esau McGraw babysits his 3rd Grade Uncle

Got to get the money, so I can continue to avoid my family. They think I'm rich because I'm on tv. They all irregular man. Starting with my Grandma. Have 13 kids when she was way to young when she isn't suppose to. My mom also 13, get 8 kids of her own. She started getting them way to young when she isn't suppose to. I'm the middle of her 8. Long story short: I'm raising my uncle. He 9. I'm a grown man. He in 3rd grade. I'm his nephew. I pick up this punk from school. He jumps into my car, and he pulls up a family rant, "Fool make a left."

"I know where your house is. You living with me punk."

"When you go home. You better go to bed."

"No, you go to bed."

"No. you gonna go to bed."

"No. you gonna go to bed."

"You know my mama is yo mama's mama."

"I know. Yo mama is my mama's mama. Get your hands off my face uncle James."

My whole family is irregular. My cousin lost 115 pounds. They don't tell you is when you lose that much weight. You are gonna have all that extra skin left. This dude come to my house to go swimming. He took off his shirt. I'm like, "Man, what you doing, wearing that leather cape. Tuck your saggy back in. Nobody want to see that." He jump in the water. His skin expanded. He glide around the pool like a sting ray.

James Adomian loves Playing Gay Football at Center Position with the Hottest Quarterback

Hey Y'all, How you doing? Uh, I'm excited because football season is around the corner. Yeah, I play football for many years. I'm just curious. Anybody else here play football? No? Oh okay, I got a couple of them. Were you by any chance a closeted gay kid on the football team, like I was? That was fun. That was fun. I was really good at that. You should try it sometimes if you have eligibility. I was actually a center. That was the position I played, and center is the perfect position for a gay kid for the football team. Because you are the one bent over and you are hiking the ball through your legs to the quarterback, the hottest guy in the known universe. And that's your job. And you just like, "I'm ready whenever you are, Patrick." That's obviously not my radio voice, but that's still my inner closet voice that I carried with me. Outwardly, it's more like, "Alright dudes, let's show this other Christian team which side Jesus wants to kick ass. And I know what you want to do, Patrick. I don't need to know the snap count because I can feel the energy in your fingers. And you want the ball now. And now I gonna keep all the other boys away from you. You're mine." I was good at football. That's how  you play that sport. Well, I should change Patrick's name because he is a real guy. He's out there.

So I am gay. I'm openly gay. It's my thing. I'm a proud homo american. That's a weird. That's a phrase maybe George W. Bush would have used, "I'm proud of all those homo americans out there. And I'm solely salute for their service. But I firmly believe that the constitution between 1 man and 1 woman. God bless you all to death."

I'm gay. Sorry ladies. Your welcome fellas. Are there any gay people here tonight? I'm just curious. We got a few. That's alright. That's enough so we can fight our way out of here if we have to. Is anybody here in the closet? Uh, I thought I check as long as I'm asking. I think it would be amusing if you could pull off being a public figure and be openly in the closet. If you can somehow make that happen, like a comedian. Like, "it's my thing. I'm a comic, and I'm in the closet. What? It's my life. I talk about it on stage. You gonna see my show, you gonna see some hot closeted comedy.

The guy come on the street, and says, "I want to know you sexually." I look him right in the eyes, and I said, "Never mind what I said. The point is words were exchange. And maybe something else. You don't know. I'm telling it as it may or may not be, here in the closet. Open the door. Take a peek. Then close the door. We like it dark in here. I do my thing. You do your thing. I pretend to do your thing."

Bill Burr on Marriage, Divorce, Equal Opportunity Women, and Why Titanic is a Scary Movie

How's it going? Great. It's nice to be here.

I'm at that age where everybody is getting married. Let me ask you question. Why do people keep on getting married? You know what I mean. Anybody looking at the stats? I mean 3 out of 4 marriage go right down the shit hole, right. If you were going skydiving, and they told you 3 out of 4 parachutes were not going to open, yo f this. I'm not going. I don't like those odds. I have a 75% chance of splatting on the ground. But there is something about getting married, people just have to do it, right? They are like, "Is this the one, to lose half my shit? Awesome. This is gonna be great."

Nah, I'm just kidding. I love women. I'm just not compatible with them. They have too much energy for me. They always have to be doing something. You know. They can't take a day off. You know. You can't get a day off when you have a girlfriend. They just like sees that open day. They'll be like, "Oh my gawd. Let's fill it up with shit." It just come with you with one horrible idea after another. They have the worse ideas. They do. Have you ever get this one? They'll be like, "Do you want to go to brunch? You want to go to brunch on Sunday?" Inside, you are like, "F-in no!" You can't say that. You got to keep her happy, right? So what do you do? You agree, "Yeah, let's go to brunch. What a great idea. Why would you want to sleep in on a Sunday. When you can pay $52 for eggs. Now you're thinkin." Then we can sit around, and listen to your friend make moronic conversation about the eggs. You know like, "Is that pesto? Is that pesto in your omelet? Oh, it's asparagus. It's asparagus."

I was dating this girl recently. She was really into women issues. You know. Like women always go on tv, and they say all they wanted to be treated exactly like guys. But if you listen to them, they don't. All they want is the good shit of being a guy. They are cherry picking. They look at a guy's life like a buffet, right? Like you start picking out stuff  like, "Staying for an hour. I'll take some of that. You paying for the movie. F that. You can keep that. No nah nah. That's nice. This is yucky.  That's icky." Come on people. You can't choose. This girl gives me shit. Why does guy get paid more an hour to do exact same job. I'll go I'll tell you why. Because in unlikely event when we are both on a titanic, and it starts to sink, for some f up reason, you get to leave with the kids. And I have to stay. That's why I get more dollar per hour. It's a dollar an hour surcharge. You hear a bump in the night. I got to go check it out, "Yes, he does have a knife." Anytime there is a hostage situation, who they negotiate for? "At least let the women and children go." Well, what about me! You think I want to stay in the vault, with 20 other sweaty guys, sharing a bag of peanuts. You know. Praying to god i'm not the hostage that get dragged out by the psycho, with a gun to my head, asking for the cops for a helicopter. Which I know he is not gonna get, right? I know he is not getting a helicopter. Now, I gotta make idle conversation with the 38 to my head, going, "Go for a rent a car. I think you should go for a rent a car."

See what I am saying. Where are all those feminist then? You can't find them. They have no feminist in a house fire. You can take the most hard core feminist, and go, "you showoff sonny bitch, you know." Little short hair cut you know. 2nd those flames break out, she twist those hair into pigtails, "I'm just a girl. I want to go play jump rope."

That's why I hate the movie, titanic. Every girl I meet, think that movie is romantic. It's irritating. "That's really romantic. Don't you think?" It's like, "No!" It's a f in horror film. Then they are always like why. Cause all the guys die. See you watch it, trying to relate, "who I'll be?" You will be that chick float away in that piece of luggage, right? I'm watching like who I be. I'll be that dude. The boat breaks in half. The dude falls straight down. Bang off the shit, and goes off the water. That's who I be. I'll be wearing a tuxedo. Not cause I wanted to, but because you wanted to dress up that night, right?