Best stage comedians at their funniest with punchlines all typed out for your enjoyment to read from richard pryor to louis c.k. and upcoming comedians with Youtube videos (monologue script)
I did this thing at the charity show for the Playboy Foundation. I don't know what their charity is. Thirteen year old boys who goes blind for reading a magazine. I don't know.
I go to this party. I don't fit in. I'm not very girlie. These girls are size double zero. I mean they are beautiful, but they are mean (because they are hungry).
I'm just a girl from the neighborhood. You know who's there? That Paris Hilton girl. Oh I'm proud of her. She's breaking down barriers. Proof you don't have to be poor to be white trash.
Somebody needs to say this stuff. You don't have to be perfect. What's going on woman. You can't be. This girl came up to me, "Uhm. Excuse me. Who did your boobs?"
I go, "God..."
She goes, "Where's his office?"
I go, "Jerusalem. Now get away from me. Don't you think I had that kind of money. I had my nose fix first. What's wrong with you."
It's just fun for me. I don't know what I was doing at the stupid party. I drank a little bit too much. When women get drunk, they have to announce it, "I'm drunk whooooo! Hi five. Hi five."
And in that second, every guys head goes, "whooof!" Ding, ding, ding. We got a winner. Cause for men it's like watching the Discovery Channel. They wait for the weak one to fall off of the heard.
You know who else is there at that stupid party? Donald Trump. His hair is so bad that it would be less distracting if we had a hairy midget to sit on his head.
I want to get this out of the way. I am a dummy. See that. That's my dummy face.
I give you an example. Every time I am in the library or a bookstore and I see the phrase nonfiction, I have to figure it out (in my head).
Let's be clear. I'm 30. I went to college. I finished.
I see nonfiction. I freeze like, "Nonfiction. Fiction. Not True. Nonfiction. Not non true. Double not truth. Not. Not open parentheses. Not true. Screw that. I'm reading Hustler. That's both at the same time, true and false."
I was fourteen years old, trying to sneak into the club. I used my sister's ID. The only problem was she was there too.
We would look real cute too. We would have on like these tight, black pants and really cute top. We got from the store that would be Forever 21, but back in the days it was Close Time... Judy's, or Miller's Outpost.
And we would smell good too because we would douse ourselves in exclamation... or sunflowers (real quick).
We had a system too. My sister would go first. Show the bouncer her ID. Then, pass it back (to the end of the line where i would be waiting).
We had a routine with our friends too. We'd be like okay, "So when I get to the front, start talking to me right away, so he won't get a good look at my face. For reals. Don't mess it up this time."
"Y'all what's up. Here is my ID."
"What?! I know, huh. Like I was all crazy. Try to tell us something. How stupid..."
Mr. President. Supreme Court Justices. Your Royal Highness. And Others.
I'm so proud to be here in Washington D.C. (which i have just recently learned is the Nation's Capital). And to receive this coveted Mark Twain Award, which is the only significant american award for comedy (except for money).
If in my comedy career, if I have made you laugh once, I have done my job. If I have made you laugh twice, then I am very proud. If I have made you laugh three times, then I am thrilled. If I have made you laugh four times, which is twice as many as two times, then I am ecstatic. If I have made you laugh five or possibly six times, but I feel like I am losing you, what better time than now to take amount and recount all the awards I have received.
In 1969, I won an Emmy for riding on the Smothers Brother Comedy Hour. Then again, in 2005... I won the Mark Twain Prize, but of course the Mark Twain Prize is very special to me (cause it is more recent).
I was first introduce to comedy at age of six. This began (what was known) as my dark period. It is hard to believe that my career is still growing strong. Especially, considering 3 years ago I passed away. I guess that's called momentum.
When I look at the list of people who've been given this award, it makes me very satisfied. When I look at the list of people who HAVE NOT given this award, it make me even more satisfied.
I want to thank all the performers here tonight who flew in and were so funny. I am so flattered that they shared their time and their brilliance and their talents. It must be hard to find a dozen people or so who have these kind of skill, and yet so disparate to be on television.
Great to be here. I mean really great to be here. I used to have a real job as a civil engineer. People begin to talk after your third bridge falls down. It may not just be the drinking anymore. Guilty. You got me.
You're not mechanically enough to be an engineer when you use a screwdriver, and you have to say, "lefty loosely; righty tighty."
Not good with computers. I remain not good. I had to call tech support guy to get a little help. He starts asking me questions, "What kind of operating system you got there?" Oh um.... Electricity, I think. I got to plug it in my wall.
I am trying to get tech savvy. Now, I have the hands free device for the cellphone. Now, that is a wonderful design. It has a speaker that fits right into my ear hole. The microphone extends about at the tip of my earlobe. "I'm having trouble hearing you Jeff." That's because the sounds comes out of the hole in front of my face, right here. Yeah, the vibration from the jawbone is a little indistinct sometimes. My apologies.
I tried calling information. It's not a person anymore. It's a computer, trying to figure out what I am trying to say. And that technology, not finished.
I lost my credit card. Machine, "What listing?" Jeff, "American Express." Machine, "The toll free number for America West Airline is..."
What if you need something important and you're in a hurry, "Suicide hotline." Machine, "The number for Susan Huntley is..." Jeff, "Susan you don't know me..."
It's easy to get down in this country. The pizza people are working against us. Cheese in a crust. Free brownies. That was an aggressive move. Now, they like us to dip it in ranch dressing too, "The pizza gets so dry!" I had two slices, and I got gout. It's a little rich.
We have to trust the people who handle our food. I am always nervous with those little home cooking restaurants that you see on the highway, "Ed's Kountry Kettle". Country with a "K". Ed, you've miss spelled country. Makes me think (you might forget to wash your hands, periodically). Makes me think (I might get E. Coli with a "K"). Maybe some Kountry Kramps.
And there is no excuse for that. In our store that we have right now, we have something called anti-bacteria soap. I thought that was understood as part of the contract with soap. What the hell I have been washing my hands with all this years? Bacteria neutral? Bacteria Friendly? I like a refund. I bought a lot of crap soap, and I am not happy. No, I do not have my receipts.
At least we have these wonderful medicine. You seem advertise on television all the time. How about the sleeping pill with the glowing, green butterfly comes into your room. Now, I need an anxiety pill. It is a rather terrifying, strange side effects to put on the list, "Don't let it land on me."
I like the people in the ads for the harpies medicine. They always seem to be kayaking. I am not an epidemiologist, but maybe we should take a look into these rental kayaks. We'll spray 'em out like we do with bowling shoes. But they are so active, "I am not letting this discomfort hold me down. I am going over the falls to end this discomfort."
Small breast are like, "Hi! Can I help you with something?" I'm like, "No. I am just looking." I don't even know why I like breast. They don't even do anything. They just bounce up and down, and it makes me happy. I can be very sad. And I see breast, and I'm like (me bouncing). I get happy. Thanks I am very funny.
I like girls who are easy. They are so much fun. They make the dates so fun. Some girls make you wait before they have sex with you. What's that about? I met with this girl, "I like to wait 6 months before I have sex with a guy." I was like, "I really, really respect that. Okay, I guess I'll see you in six months. Do you just email me? How does that work? I want to make sure I block off that date. Just in case I am planning a vacation."
I'm very fertile. I got a girl pregnant once. She called me up, and she was like, "I think I am pregnant." I was like, "The number you have reached..." Because babies are expensive, and they eat your food.
It's hard to get a girl pregnant. Do you know girls can only get pregnant 2 days out of every month. Only 2 days. And only 1 day is the main day. The second day they are already pulling down the gate and closing up. The tricky sperm can be like, "I just want to talk to the egg. I'll be out in one minute. I just one to see if my friends are in there." Thanks, I am very funny.
I would make such a great boyfriend for some ladies out there because I'm whipped. I do everything I am told, and never complain when I get sent out to get something. That's how you know you are a boyfriend when your whole life just becomes getting sent out on errands. And you look forward to it because you get to see other guys at the store. You walking around, and you're like, "Sam what are sent out for? Let me see your note. Oh, I needs pad too. Let's walk together."
She was so big. I could not keep the magazine closed. My old boyfriend used to look at those pictures. For hours, I said, "Do you think she is pretty?" He would say, "Noooo." I hook him up to a lie detector once, and he shorted out Chicago. He used to say, "I read playboy for the articles." Yeah, and I said, "Yes, I know. I go to department stores for the escalators."
I do love to shop. I admit it. I rationalize shop. I buy a dress because I need change for gum. One time I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I go, and I buy a new outfit. And it makes me feel better. It just does. In fact, sometimes when I see a really great outfit, I'll break with someone on purpose. Once I saw a great outfit, I was not dating anyone. So I went up, hug a stranger, slap him, and bought it.
Relationship, they don't last anymore. You know. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself, "Is this the man I want my children to spend the weekends with?"
My mom always trying to figure out new ways to keep excitement in their marriage. It's not easy. She took up belly dancing once. She just was not good at it. To appear like she was moving, my dad and I had to jiggle the furniture behind her.
My cousin just got married for totally, totally the wrong reason. She married a man for money. She was not really subtle about it either. Instead of her "fiance", she kept calling him her, "finance-EE".
Why are women wearing perfume that smells like flower to attract men? That is what I don't understand. Men don't like flowers. I have been wearing a great scent called "new car interior".
I just read men reach their sexual peak at 18. Did you know that? Women reach their sexual peak at 35. Did you get the feeling God is into practical jokes? We're reaching our sexual peaks right around the same time they discover they have a favorite chair.
I do think about having children because time is running out. I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.
My friends tell me story that scares me. One of my friends told me, she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours. Another friend of mine, she pregnant, and her husband wants to have natural child birth, but she doesn't, so he has been going to those classes by himself.
They are trying to put warning labels on liquor now that say, "Caution! Alcohol can be dangerous to pregnant women." Did you read that? I think that's ironic. If it was not for alcohol, most women will not even be that way.
My friends. They make such big deal over their children birthday party. It's so amazing. My friend just had a birthday surprise party. He's one. We all sneaked around the crib. We jumped, and yelled, "Surprise!" He was surprised. He's in therapy.
I had the worst birthday party ever, ever when I was child because my parents hired ponies to give rides. These ponies were never in good shape, but this one dropped dead. It just was not much fun after that. One kid would sit on it, and rest of us would drag him around in a circle.
I guess I'll go because I am in show business. I have so many exciting things to do now. I don't know. I'll go to sleep. I admit it. I love to go to sleep. It is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious. Once I went to sleep, and I dreamt I had insomnia. It was just a strangest night. I woke up, and thought, "now i can get some sleep."
I get a lot of pedicure and manicure, which i never did before. I just want to take care of my body (in that very shallow way). I went to this place in Pittsburgh to get a manicure. It's called Paris Nail, so I called, "hello?"
Paris Nail: "Hello, Welcome to PARIS NAIL!" Cho: "Ooooo. Bonjour."
I think they are gonna figure out that you are not from Paris.
Paris Nail: "Welcome to PARIS NAIL! You pick color! YOU PICK COLOR!"
You know Koreans. We are pretty sneaky ass people, "What do you mean? We don't have any nuclear weapon. What are you talking about? We don't have nuclear weapons."
But if you keep on asking, they will get mad, "We WILL USE THEM ON YOU! We WILL USE THEM ON YOUUUUU (if we had them. if. if we had them)!
I have certain request in order to do a benefit show. I said, "I'll do the show, but I need giant, gay icicles behind me, or I can't do it. I work well with giant, gay icicles." It worked out. They make me look cool, and a little less gay than the icicles themselves.
I heard this lady say, "I love kids." That's nice, but a little weird though. It's like saying, "I like people for a little while." How old are you? 14? F*** off. You can say, "I love kids," as a general statement. That's fine. It's when you get specific. That's when you get into trouble, "I love 12 years old."
I was on this street. I saw this guy wave to me. He came up to me, and said to me, "I am sorry. I thought you were someone else." I said, "I am."
Ever fight is a food fight when you are a cannibal.
If you want to sound like a creep, just add the word "ladies" at the end of things you say. You can say something harmless too like, "thanks for coming to the show, ladies." "Help! I've fallen in a trap. I need help, ladies."
I love the beach. I like to get there really early before anyone shows up. Take like 30 bottles with notes in 'em, and throw 'em in the water. Then, wait for everyone to come to the beach. When someone goes up to pick up one of the bottles, I'll go up right behind 'em. Cause when they open it, it says, "I'm standing right behind yah."
It's tough to know what to do with your money these days. A few days ago, the Dow Jones dropped another 240 points. And I can't tell you how frustrating it is to not know what that means. It's embarrassing.
I did see an advertisement where you can learn to get rich from Donald Trump. He would teach you how to get rich. He would know. He is a rich man. He is not just a rich man. Donald Trump is what a Hobo imagines what a rich man to be. He was walking in the ally one day, and heard this.
Hobo - "Oh boy oh boy, as soon as my numbers come in, I am going to put tall buildings with my name on em. I'll have fine, golden hair, and a tv show where I fire people with my children."
Donald Trump was like, "That is how I'm going to live my life. Thank you hobo for the life plan."
The reason why I stop going to the gym is this. You see those big dudes? Real huge with no neck. Those strong dudes. I saw him one day, and I was like, "Dude, why are you still here? It's it. You won. You got em all. Why you still here?"
When you are that big for no reason. If you gonna get that big for no reason, it really makes me mad. If I am going to ask you why, you gotta have a reason: I am training for the Olympics, I am about to enter the strong man competition.
And if you that big and work for t-mobile. You strong as shit, but you can't handle the handset. Such a strong, unproductive man now, eh.
I like looking at the pretty girls, but I don't like to talk to them. They get me nervous. I get intimidated.
My friend came up to me, and says, "Look at her she is beautiful. Go ask her out. What the worst thing that can happen? She says no."
So i go over, and ask her out. She says, "Get away from me you loser."
I was like, "I think you broke the rules there."
I can't break off with a pretty girl. Every time I look in her eyes, and I can't finish it up. I am like, "The things are kind of weird, and we are too young. What I am saying is 'do you want to get married?' So what do you say?"
Hong Kong is a wicked place. I think Chinese people are the smartest people in the world. They are tricking us all. They pretend not to know English. I went to Hong Kong. They all speak English over there.
"Yo friend and I." If you and him want to come back too, that's fine. They are not dumb people. Don't be fooled.
They always have local comedians. I kept picturing a Chinese comedian. I get there. No Chinese comedian. I was upset. I was picturing a Chinese comedian opening the store.
"Hey, Hey. Excuse me. Your mother is so fat. When she jumps for joy, she got stuck. ok. okay. thank you."
I am Jewish, but my boyfriend is Catholic. It was cute how he gave it to me. He said, "If it doesn't burn through my skin, it will protect me."
Different religion. Who cares. If you're having a baby, you gotta figure out how to raise the baby. Still won't be an issue for us because we'll be honest.
And we'll just say, "Mommy is one of the chosen people, and daddy believes that Jesus is magic." That's not nice.
Jesus is magic cause he turned water into wine. I think he made the statue of liberty disappear in the 80s.
A young teenage girl is physically melting into the couch.
Another girl, next to her, says (in a monotone voice), "She smokes pot. This is how she is when she smokes pot." The girl, not smoking pot, is not the most sparkling personality in the world.
How much more of a loser do you have to be (to be more boring than the stoner), and have nothing better to do than watch the stoner melt into the coach? How about calling 911, or even 411?
